I’m noticing some profound insights about myself and my behaviour.
Mainly pertaining to dopamine addiction.
Here they are:
I’m a total dopamine junky. I’m obsessed with how I feel. It’s the core motivator for everything I do.
Weekends come around, and I get excited to work on myself. But nothing ever really gets done…
I have this weird self-help mental jerk-off fest where I scan the internet for the best resources. And I always think, “maybe this will be it, this will fix all my problems.”
Buy it, then when it comes to putting in the work… all motivation dissipates.
Motivation gone, all hope is lost. I start to feel stuck again.
Until next weekend rolls around, I go out and party to escape my shitty circumstances. I get some socialization in (which is good, it’s an integral part of my healing process), but the next day I’m tired from all the drinking and lack of sleep.
So it makes things even worse. I already struggle with productivity and motivation. And I only make it worse. It’s like playing a video game on hard mode when you don’t even have the basic skills to play the game in the first place.
I have massive blockages when it comes to “putting in the work.” I’m a terrible student. Studying, taking notes, implementing what I learn is so tricky for me. It’s so dull it’s honestly painful.
I get a crippling sense of depression whenever I try. Occasionally I will feel driven. But it’s always fleeting.
More on healing, I need better friends. More connections, more networking. I wish I could run an inner circle right now rggghh.
I have this urge to go out to new places and meet new people. Like I seriously view partying as a way to network and meet people who can help me on my journey, and vice versa.
Brothers, I can build empires with. And in the process, meet some pretty ladies because what’s life without a little lovin’?
The people I party with now aren’t people I can network or build with. They’re family friends (who I love), but they’re all normies. Not into self-development, stoners, no real ambitions or goals in life.
I seriously think running starkQ would be an excellent fit for me. It’s a single sub that covers a lot of the goals I have, the script isn’t that much bigger than AM. But I also think switching subs could be counterproductive.
I don’t want to swap AM for stark only to realize that running it with Wanted and Regen is too much for me. But then again, perhaps it’d be perfect for me?
Maybe it’ll be exactly what I need.
Honestly, I don’t know; maybe I’m indirectly procrastinating by trying to “change something.” (Something easy. ) All while avoiding putting in the actual work, making real changes that are perhaps more difficult.
Feedback on this would be greatly appreciated.
I also think swapping LEU for Elixir would be ideal for now.
I have lots of healing to do still. And a lot of the work I need to do will help me be more productive and motivated.
It is easier to remove the gunk first than to brute force my way through it all.
Another thing: I sometimes scroll through people’s insta’s and vsco’s for inspiration.
I’m trying to reinvent myself right now.I want to take new photos and start being active again on social media.
So, I look at their feeds, and it’s full of lots of people, different places, and most importantly, it tells a story in a way.
I see social media as a tool. One to express yourself, show off your lifestyle to attract women, and overall elevate social status.
Anyways I look at my social media feeds, and it’s amateurish. The quality of the photos is sub-par. Theirs not a lot of people or different places showcased.
It doesn’t scream “fun lifestyle,” you know. It just gives off a lonely, mysterious and weird vibe that’s hard to describe.
Most people have no idea what’s going on in my life right now, and I guess it’s kind of a good thing for the time being.
But I want to have great socials. One that can be an asset to me. But I need to develop a lifestyle worth showing off.
What would make people interested in me? What would make people want to meet me? What could I do that would make people proud to be my friend?
I want that spotlight, I want people to ooh and ahh over me and my lifestyle, if I’m being honest.
For the Astro people, I have a 10 house Leo north node, so yes, this isn’t just a random wish and desire. The spotlight calls me in this lifetime. I’ve spent much too long being the “observer” of other people’s lives. Watching them have fun, all while I sit on the sidelines daydreaming about what it would be like.
I’m very drawn to people who “shine bright.”
I often ask myself: What could I do to shine bright like them?
I’m in a weird space right now. I want to go go go, but I’m held back by bad habits.
I need to do some healing, then get to work, then it’s time to shine. Does that sound right?
To summarize this giant rambling entry, somethings gotta give. I can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.
Maybe I need a mentor; my dad is passive. And he can’t teach me how to do what I want to do. I need direction, a different perspective from someone wiser than I, someone to hold me accountable.
Someone to shine a light on things that maybe I’m not aware of.
I think that’s all for now.
Till next entry…
Deuces✌️
