Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

[Matalexander305]

@Plutus

To some this might seem like an excessive amount of going out but you have to understand that at @Matalexander305 age that’s part of the definition of his fun while also working towards his goals and wealth goals.

Yeah don’t judge me, i’m a young idiot that purposely does dumb shit to gain wisdom and experience. Books can only take you so far, you need experience and to take action to internalize it.

@Matalexander305

So what lessons were learnt here:

• Balling on a budget is cool, but do not overestimate your abilities. You’re not super man.
• Keep your ego in check, you’re not rich yet. Don’t pretend you are. No one really cares
• Do it for yourself, no one cares what you drive. They may think it’s cool for about 5 mins, then that’s it.

For example: I already KNEW all of this, but I hadn’t fully internalized it yet. Hence why I had this experience.

Now that I’ve EXPERIENCED it first hand, it’s been internalized and I now extrapolate this knowledge and wisdom into other areas of my life.

This is what Andrew Tate meant when he said “Reading books is a waste of time”. Because you do not internalize the wisdom by simply reading. That’s just mental masturbation. If you read a book and take action on the knowledge being given to you… then that’s a different story.

But was it necessary to read all 500 pages to gain 3-4 important bits of advice? You could’ve simply used a book summary app or something of that nature and saved a lot of time. And he always preaches SPEED. But if you read for entertainment purposes, that’s on you, no harm in it.

[Plutus]

@Matalexander305

This is what Andrew Tate meant when he said “Reading books is a waste of time”. Because you do not internalize the wisdom by simply reading. That’s just mental masturbation. If you read a book and take action on the knowledge being given to you… then that’s a different story.

Depends on the book. Dating wise? Probably. Wealth wise? Definitely (Most wealth books are just the same exact topic and advice. Educational books about tech/cyber security, good luck surviving in the field without reading a book about it lol.

As I always C O N T E X T.

[Matalexander305]

Day 2 of feeling exceptionally bored and pissed off at the world

Let the games begin

[Matalexander305]

@Matalexander305

Day 2 of feeling exceptionally bored and pissed off at the world

Let the games begin

Actually I take that back, recon is fading away.
Slowly regaining my composure. Still feeling very aggressive though, almost lost it on a worker this morning. But I kept my mouth shut.

[Matalexander305]

Day 1 of my washout.

Still feel a bit strange, I was rather aggressive today for some reason. Not towards others but with my work and with my internal dialogue. Certainly a lot more reserved than I’ve been for the past 2-3 weeks. Hardly any smiling, avoiding convos and eye contract. All the old traits I used to possess (and still do to a degree).

And there’s a central theme here: Escapism.

I’ll try and explain it in more detail:
Growing up, I hated school. I had hardly any interest in academics, it was super boring to me, so as a result I began day dreaming a lot. I even perfected the art of pretending to listen while drifting off into another world. Ofc sometimes the teacher would ask me a question and I would take a second to snap back😂, but it got me through school. That, phys Ed and music.

Same with homework, I was always a chronic procrastinator. Yes I was that kid that, when it came time to hand in projects; you know I was gonna be late. Homework was always so boring, I couldn’t study for the life of me. So I’d sit down, try and do it. Get dreadfully bored after 5 minutes and then start drifting off into my imagination. Later this became, using my phone as a tool of escapism.

It escalated in the summer of 2016, my parents had recently told us that they were getting divorced. I wasn’t consciously mad at first. But it but it slowly started to really affect me on a subconscious level. My friends started getting into weed and so did I. Was relatively harmless at first, made me feel amazing. Some of my greatest memories were from those days back in summer 16’. But it soon began to spiral out of control.

This happened:

@Matalexander305

November 18, 2021

(Warning NSFW)

[Matalexander305]

Then this:

@Matalexander305

I was seeing the hottest girl in school, and eventually, she wanted to break things off and be friends.

I replied something along the lines of “Look, you’re a beautiful girl, and I like you a lot. But I’m not prepared to be just friends. If you don’t want to see me anymore, that’s fine. I respect that.”

“But if you do change your mind, let me know. I wish you all the best.”

She clearly had never been rejected before, and perhaps she took it the wrong way, but ultimately this caused all her little white night beta losers to team up and slander my name.

This caused a lot of people to start avoiding me. Ironically no one ever overtly tried to bully me (I wonder why, lol); it was very much talk smack behind my back.

The narrative was “don’t talk to Mat; he’s an A-hole.”

Between this, I was falling behind in school, working a part-time job 3-4 times a week, smoking weed, working out and just being a rebellious 16 year old with testosterone charging through my veins.

I got angry, like REALLY ANGRY

So angry, I said F everyone and started focusing on myself. I would avoid all eye contact in the halls, always had a straight face, earphone blasting gangsta rap and walked around like I was ready to knock a MF out. I rarely talked to anyone, ate lunch by myself and skipped school a lot.

Perhaps that wasn’t the best reaction, but I can’t change the past. What’s done is done, and ultimately, I did the best I could at the time.

[Matalexander305]

And that’s when I began using weed as a means to escape.

Escape what you might ask? Pain, the pain of being rejected, the pain of my parents divorce, the pain of falling behind in school, feeling like theirs something wrong with my brain because I can’t f*cking focus on this boring and useless sh!t.

Long story short, I stoped hiding from my demons about 3 years ago and thank god I did. (Haven’t touched it since, (actually I did once by accident but that’s another story).

[Matalexander305]

What am I getting at with this whole escapism thing, it’s my automatic go to. It’s my emergency off button. When I feel like I can’t handle something, I immediately detach in one way or another.

Luckily I’ve gotten rid of my more toxic way of doing this, but it’s still present in my daily life. And I think it’s a problem

[Plutus]

Reminds me of a funny time when I told @GoldenTiger I would punch him if he ever smokes weed again. He laugh, I didn’t and since then he hasn’t touched weed yet

Yes I’m a good friend who cares about their health but sometimes people need a little nudge to go in the right direction

[Plutus]

@Matalexander305

Luckily I’ve gotten rid of my more toxic way of doing this, but it’s still present in my daily life. And I think it’s a problem

If I’m being honest more then 50% of people in our day in age would be toxic so it’s nothing be surprised by. Like I always tell you I have a bunch of people I know and a big social circle but people I really consider friends? That number would be 2 compared to the 20+ people I know and hang out with from time to time because of different values and I know some for a fact we’re toxic in the past. I have one rule and it’s been serving me well. If a girl or a friend has ever hurt me in the past (Toxic or otherwise), I will by no circumstances be friends with them ever again even if they changed. Same thing with girls I’ve had girls that we’re attractive in the past and are attractive now but hurt me (And when I mean hurt I don’t mean rejection I mean pain pain) who I will never ever date or even have fun with no matter how much they love me because they had their chance and they decided to play with it so in return I won’t give them the time of day nor will I care (Most of the time I will just leave them on read or block them).

To some this might seem harsh but in our generation (Gen Z) it’s either I trust you and we go through life together and help each other become successful or you hurt me/your toxic and we’re never going to be close ever again even if you say you “changed”.

[Matalexander305]

@Plutus

If a girl or a friend has ever hurt me in the past (Toxic or otherwise), I will by no circumstances be friends with them ever again even if they changed.

Yoo that’s facts,

@Plutus

To some this might seem harsh but in our generation (Gen Z) it’s either I trust you and we go through life together and help each other become successful or you hurt me/your toxic and we’re never going to be close ever again even if you say you “changed”.

Exactly, theirs a lot of toxic ppl our age now a days. So many never wanna see you succeed, so they’ll do their best to drag you down (even if they’re not aware of it). That’s another big part of my story, people who I thought were my friends all stabbed me in the back, never cared, never reached out when I was clearly not well.

I can count on one hand all my real friends, and I think it’ll always be that way

[Matalexander305]

It’s funny, @Plutus mentioned something about smoking not being cool. And it made me ponder what makes something “cool”?

Then this video popped into my feed, and it explains a lot… things I already subconsciously did.
It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it.

You are not cool if you..

[Plutus]

@Matalexander305

It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it.

If you do any type of smoking it’s still not cool
It’s why you do it that matters.

[Plutus]

Actually I found a good video that explain this by MPMD (Not relating to smoking but relating to the misunderstood idea of what guys think will get a girl when in reality it wouldn’t):

Dan Bilzerian On What Guys THINK Girls Want

And this one which goes back to my point where you shouldn’t buy stuff because you think girls will like you for it. If you want to buy something buy it because you truly want it:

Why Young Men DO NOT Need Money To Get Girls

[Matalexander305]

Choo choo train girl at it again

“You’d be lucky to f*ck me” lol…

[Deadpool]

I did not know you are already a father

[Matalexander305]

@Deadpool

I did not know you are already a father

Me neither haha

[Plutus]

Is it weird that the girl looks like a girl who use to have a crush on me

[Matalexander305]

@Plutus

Is it weird that the girl looks like a girl who use to have a crush on me

Lolll

[Matalexander305]

Forgot to mention yesterday, when I was walking out of the gym. There was a dude standing at the trunk of his car grabbing his gym stuff. When I looked up at him he was already staring right at me in this almost fascinated way. Very strange. He just froze.

Then when I got in my car, I rolled down all the windows, put on my sunglasses and started queuing a few songs on my phone. While I was doing this I looked up and their was a women staring right at me with that same look. She just froze and stared at me like I was an alien. (A hot one )

Both happened within two minutes of one another.