Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

[Matalexander305]

New year, New Journal.

Time to get this party started😎

What am I currently running?

1. Chosen

2. Primal Seduction

3. StarkQ/True Social Custom:

@Matalexander305

• StarkQ

• True Social

• Lion IV

• Dominion

• Submodel alpha

• Manipulus

• Dragons tongue

• Story teller

• Song of joy

• Emperor’s voice

• Voice Master

• Furious accent

• Natural winner

• Invincible presence

• Ethereal presence

• Entranced

• Elegance

• Sanguine

• Stress displacement

• Yggdrasil

• Mosaic

To kick off this journal, I’m going to talk about some of the results I’ve gotten in the past few weeks running not only this stack, but also with Chosen, RICH and StarkQ.

First up, RICH.

It’s funny, when I ran RICH, I didn’t notice much. I didn’t get any pay increase. I didn’t feel any richer. I didn’t manifest any extra wealth. I was a little disappointed at first.

Then, within the last 2 weeks things changed. I had eased up on my spending habits and I was starting to save up some cash. (Completely uncounciously)

Then, out of now where I started getting really into Men’s fashion and grooming (Thanks PSZP😉) And I came to the realization that I dress like shit. So I started buying a bunch of clothes. Then Christmas came around, and my parents got me really nice clothes. For the first time ever, they got me clothes that actually fit my style. No tacky graphic tee’s, no oversized shirts with stupid phrases. Just stylish and manly.

It’s funny because my parents told me they wouldn’t spoil us this year, but I sure as hell got spoiled. And not just that, I was inspired to spoil my family too. This cute cashier even commented “Who’s the lucky one?”. I said my brother and sister. Then she was like “ouu spoiled rotten” in this teasing vocal tone.

(After, I remember thinking “wait, was she flirting with me?”. The tension was there🤔)

Anyways, I’ve never spent so much money on gifts in my life, but I gotta say it felt good.

…It really does come back to you😉

I really do feel RICH now. Even though I’m nowhere near it. (Mogul might be better for that). The way I’ve been spending money lately is unreal. I’ve always been a spender, but not to this degree. I used to spend my money on destructive things like weed, junk food, and video games. Now i invest in my health, in my looks, in my skills etc. I have zero shame because I know it’ll all come back to me x100. Hell I even bought my first custom because of RICH. (More on that later)

[Matalexander305]

Some experiences on Primal Seduction:

I naturally fit Wanted’s archetype. But I always felt that I used my good looks to avoid making the first move. As a result, I never felt the need to approach women, and I missed out on many opportunities because of this. I think I’m afraid of rejection, quite honestly, and I need to get over this.

One night, I was out with my friend and his girl; he told me she would bring some friends. She did, but they didn’t drink and were both taken… so we ended up going clubbing without them. It was awkward cause, for the first time, I was third-wheeling. It was uncomfortable; here I am thinking, “I must look so awkward right now, what if these people think I’m the “gay friend” (nothing against being gay, but I want to be seen as a heterosexual male)

Yet, there was this one really cute chick that kept eyeing me. When we locked eyes, it felt like what I would expect Instant Spark does. For that moment, everything went quiet, and I was laser-focused on her. I knew she was into me, and I was clearly into her. But I’ll admit it; I was too afraid to say hi. I was too much in my head. “What do I say, what if I sound stupid, what if my mind goes blank and she thinks I’m boring etc. Hell, I couldn’t even smile at her. To make things worse, I have a very serious face; it’s a bit intimidating, as I’ve been told, so this certainly didn’t help me out.

This is why I’m running Primal Seduction. I need to heal whatever causes me to doubt myself constantly. I got the looks down, I got the flirting and teasing down, but just normal convos, escalations and first impressions… I need to work on these.

I have a tough demeanour; countless times, I’ve been told that I’m “intense and intimidating.” Some girls have even told me I looked plain rude. And it’s the total opposite, I have a huge heart, and I think it’s hurt me many times before, hence why I’ve created these subconscious barriers to avoid reliving that pain.

There are times when I’m training, and hot girls will stare at me, and I’ll either completely ignore them or look at them with my “intimidating look.” But now I’m thinking, why? Why am I so defensive. They’re looking at your cause you’re hot, and you’re mad about that?. I swear I make zero sense. Something as simple as a smile, a smirk or a quick nod would be a much better response.

Again, I’m intense in the gym. And I feel like primal seduction is bringing that primitive side out of me more and more. I feel like a civilized beast when I train. I’m aggressive, In an attractive way. It’s like I have better control over my aggression. I’ve also noticed more women training close to me lately. It’s like they want my attention, but because I’m so focused, they can’t get it.

Last week a girl got on the treadmill right in front of me. I was on the stair master. She hopped on and immediately started doing her hair. Then she did her sprints and a quick jog. I felt like she was putting on a show for me. Like she was trying to get my attention. Our treadmills have tv screens on them, and I had a feeling she was looking at me through it. After her last sprint interval, she turned her head around and looked right at me, smiled, then looked away SUPER fast. That’s when I was like, “Ok, I see you”.

Another time, I was on the stair master again. (Theirs about 10-12 in a row) All empty. This smoking hot chick walks up behind my machine. At first, I thought she was trying to get my attention, but I said, “Fuck it, I’m training right now.” She stood there for a good 2 minutes. Then she got on the machine right next to me. She starts flipping her hair, adjusting her headphones, pulling up her pants. I remain focused. And here we are, I’m blasting music, mouthing the words and everything. And she’s just casually using the machine right next to me. With covid and everything, you’d think she’d keep at least some distance, but no😂.

A few times, I looked in her direction and immediately, she’d turn and look back at me.
Fuck she was so fine; I’m so mad at myself. I love the attention I get; it satisfies my ego. But these opportunities keep presenting themselves, and time and time again, I chicken out. Like I said before, a smile and a “hey” is better than straight-up ignoring a 9 giving you clear IOI’s.

More results on this sub: My dreams. For the last two weeks. Every morning I wake up, it feels like I just had a romantic encounter that I don’t remember. (This could also be part of the submodule alpha in my custom) Like I’ll be half asleep dreaming about seducing a girl, and if I make some mistake, I go back, think of something smoother to say, or find a better action to take, and I move on with the dream.
Like I’m training my subconscious to react in a real-life scenario. And I’ll wake up with so much confidence; I think myself, “I don’t give myself enough credit, I’m smooth asf. Now I gotta do it in real life!”

And back to what I was saying about RICH. I’m getting into Style and grooming. I can’t believe how sloppy and lazy I was. I’m a good-looking dude, and here I am wasting my potential? Wtf! I wish I could slap my 16-year-old self. Neglecting the basics like brushing my teeth at night cause “I’m tired.” Forgetting to wear deodorant, not cutting my hair often enough, dressing like a dork, looking high all the time. AMATEUR.

Now I’m a professional. Everything I do with my looks is deliberate. I got a skincare routine, my grooming is on point, I know how to style my hair now, and my sense of fashion is improving.
My friend even commented on it. He straight up told me, “you used to dress like shit.” I was like, “thanks for letting me know​:roll_eyes:.”

New Years eve, I had just finished up at the gym and thought, “I’m gonna style my hair.” So I used some new products and styled it nicely. I was walking home, and some girls were sledding down the hill to my left. I heard one say, “Is that Mat?” Then one came running down at me and hugged me super aggressively. It was a childhood friend of mine. Now her friend followed her, and as soon as we locked eyes, she had this shocked look on her face. She proceeded to say, “Who’s this? Wow, you’re really hot”. She must’ve said that like 3 times😂. Then she’s asked to join in on our hug and comments, “Wow, you smell really good, like REALLY GOOD.” What is that? No, seriously, what is that?

I wanted to flirt with her a bit and take her number etc. But it felt weird doing it in front of my childhood friend. So I didn’t bother.

When I walked away, they kept yelling stuff at me. Her friend especially. “It was nice meeting you; you’re really hot; she’s gonna go for you etc.”

Small changes do make a difference😄

[Matalexander305]

There’s a girl I work with, and I think she’s into me.
For the longest time, I couldn’t tell, is she interested or not? But things are starting to change.
We’ve always worked in the same environment but never actually worked together. So it was always a little awkward, I’d catch her staring at me and vice versa, but we never really talked.

Last week, we finally worked together, and right off the bat, I started teasing her playfully. I don’t even know why; I don’t usually do this to girls I don’t know well, but on PS, I give zero Fs. She liked it, I was so dominant, yet I was real smooth. But theirs still this awkward tension between us. It’s like she doesn’t know what to say to me, and I don’t know what to say to her.

Today, we worked together again, and I was firing on all cylinders. It’s my B-day, so obviously I was in a good mood. But when I started working with her, I noticed my stack shining bright.

From Chosen to PS and even my custom. I finally felt them all working together at once. I arrived at my workstation and immediately assumed leadership. There were a few problems that I handled well, like a true chosen one😉.

Then PS started shining bright. Typical teasing and flirting action. Then out of nowhere, she asked me my age. With the utmost confidence, I gave her this sexy smirk and just held up two fingers put them down real quick and flicked them up again.

“Oh 22, I had a feeling”. I then ask her age, and she’s like, “Guess”

I stare deep into her eyes for 5 seconds… 19. I didn’t even ask; I just stated it as if it were a fact.

“Yes, that’s right!”

Flirting continued… she became more playful, and so did I. I forgot how spontaneous I could be. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way. I can recount so many times in my life that I’ve observed others acting how I was acting today and thought to myself, “I wish I could be like that”

Well, today not only proved but reminded me that yes, I could be like that.

I can’t wait to see where this will go. I know she’s a little shy, but she’s warming up to me. Now I gotta assume that “Chosen” leadership role and steer this ship😉

[Matalexander305]

Day 3 of my washout.

Today was an interesting day to say the least. Where I live in Canada, we had a massive snowstorm today. (40 + centimetres).

As a result, work started real slow. And I mean really slow. I was late by 2 minutes, only to realize I was the first and only one there. Then that cute girl I mentioned in my last entry walked in.

I’ll do my best to explain this, but do you know that flirty vocal tone girls use when saying your name? Well, when she said “Hey Mat,” it caught me off guard because that’s how she said it. I’m not one to overanalyze speech patterns, body language etc. (ok, maybe a bit😅), but it caught my attention right away. Then I go to grab a covid symptom checklist sheet, and as I reached out to grab it, my hand brushed up against hers ever so slightly. It was so subtle that we didn’t acknowledge it. Was kinda cute tbh. Wonder if my subconscious did it on purpose.

She then walks up to me and says, “Where is everyone?” I turn to look around the shop, and it’s empty. “Oh wow. I guess it’s just us,” I say. We locked eyes and stared at each other in silence for maybe 2 seconds (which felt like an eternity). Then 3 of our co-workers walked in. I thought, thank god, the sexual tension is through the roof, and it’s only 7:00 am; I need more coffee.

Unfortunately, we didn’t work together today. So that kind of sucked. I was training a new guy, and she was working on the table across from me. (Quick backstory, I build roof trusses. So we have wood that goes through a big saw, then they’re piled on these large carts where builders like me can grab them and wheel them over to our building station.)

So I was pushing a cart, and she walked up to me and asked, “Do you want me to help.” And me being the traditionally minded man, says, “No, thank you, that’s alright.” And she looked kind of disappointed. I then remembered another time I was cutting a piece of wood with a handsaw, and she asked me if I wanted her to hold up the safety guard again… I said no, thank you, I got it. And she had that same look.

I’m starting to think it’s not about pushing wood or cutting the piece. I can do these things myself. But it seems like she wants to help, she wants to get closer to me, she wants to be a part of whatever I’m doing, and here I am pushing her away? Why. I think it’s kinda sweet, to be honest.

So lunchtime came around, and suddenly everyone started talking about leaving early. It seemed like everyone was going home except me. My dad is the sales manager here, and he’s my ride home, so I was stuck there.

My coworkers and I were all standing in a circle talking about what they would do. Then the girl walks up to me, and we start talking (a little light flirting too😉), then she tells me everyone’s going home, and that’s when I tell her I’m stuck here. Then she asks where I live. I tell her, and she pulls out her phone to search it up. Then she’s like, I’m in x area (the opposite end of the city). “I would offer to drive you, but that kind of far,” I said; thanks, that’s alright. I’ll guard the castle while you’re gone.

She walks to grab her stuff. I walk to my table. I hold my stuff and make my way towards another table, only to realize she was walking right up to me. She then says, “Hey, actually, I don’t mind driving you home.” I say, “thank you, but it’s alright. I’ll stay here. “No, seriously, I don’t mind. I need something to do anyway”. What’s cute was, I could see her blushing as she said this😉. Again, sexual tension through the roof. I could tell she was a bit nervous, but so was I.

I still said no. My rationale? Me leaving early? My dad would be mad. What would I tell her? Do I try and escalate with her in the car? Do I invite her inside? But my sister is home. Maybe I can bring her over to my mom’s place and show her my dog (works every time, gents😉)

Thinking back, this was the wrong reaction. Whenever I get inside my head around chicks, things don’t go how I want them to. But when I’m just present in the moment and enjoying her presence, that’s when I’m at my best. So I should’ve taken that offering. Who knows where it could’ve led . Maybe I should chill a bit with the machismo; I feel like being stuck in my ways won’t work with her. After all, my spontaneity is what attracted her to me in the first place.

So after I assure her I’m fine and that I’ll stay here. She said, “Okay, suit yourself.” In a humorous yet dramatic and disapproving tone. That’s when it hit me. Fuck, she actually wants me. At first, I thought she was offering to be nice. Like when you offer someone the last slice of pizza, but you secretly want them to say no so you can have it instead. But no, she was shooting her shot. Like, take a fucking hint, buddy, . (rhhhggg I’m so mad at myself now)

So now I feel like I’ve got to make it up to her. I’m sure I’ll find some creative ways.

One last minor point. If I ever doubted this girl was into me, my boss shattered it to pieces today. I was the only one working in the shop, and he walked up to me and said, “So you didn’t let sweet little “insert girls name” take you home. What’s the matter? She’s a cute girl, no? I laughed with him and gave him a wink. Then he walks up and gets quiet. “How old is she?” He asks. I say 19. “And you’re 22?”. That’s manageable, then he just smiles and walks off.

I laughed and thought, “Wow, this is happening. This is escalating fast”. Maybe that’s why I said no. Perhaps I don’t feel ready; maybe I don’t feel worthy. I think.

So what’s the main takeaway from this entry? I think it’s that I should trust my heart. I should trust my gut instinct. Most of the time I let my brain get the best of me, but it’s not always right, especially when dealing with love and romance. When we lock eyes, I know what I feel is real, and I know she feels it too. I just gotta stop doubting myself.

I’m smooth, I’m sexy, I’m funny, I’m charismatic, I’m strong, I’m smart. What’s not to like?

“Always assume attraction”

[RVconsultant]

@Matalexander305

she actually wants me

This very helpful type of behavior women do that science says they are signaling “I’m a good mate/wife/girlfriend”. When a woman is offering to be helpful like this, she is likely aroused and wanting you to see her as a potential relationship or sexual partner.

[Deadpool]

Like your journal very nice to read.

[Matalexander305]

Wow, I never thought of it like this🤔. Thanks RV, this is really helpful.

[Matalexander305]

Appreciate it brother

[Matalexander305]

Boy, oh boy, life keeps getting better. This bloom is amazing. I see why washouts are so important now.

I’ve never felt so confident in my skin. I’m social now. I actually talk to people; it’s like I’ve lost every shy bone in my body. It’s so weird because it feels like I’ve always been this way, but I know for a fact I wasn’t acting like this a month ago.

Now I literally embody Chosen. At work, I love leading, and I do it with such charisma and positivity. (The girl I work with digs it😉). You guys weren’t wrong when you said it could be used for romantic purposes. I’m serious, though, I smile all the time now, and I’ve never been like that. My whole life, I always walked around with a straight face, like zero emotion. Now that’s entirely out the window, and I love it. People respond to me so well now; it’s amazing.

Continuing on my last post, things are escalating with the girl at work. We’re flirting more and more; I catch her staring at me a lot more now too. We also have this thing where we randomly lock eyes and stare at each other with this otherworldly look. (“Where did you come from?”) comes to mind when I think about it. There was also this one moment where I think she said something like “You’re such an @$$hole” (in a good way😉) and I was like “I’m sorry, did you say something” in this cocky self amused manner. And the look she gave me was… well THAT LOOK. Like heart eye emoji personified. Fuck I can’t believe I’m about to get with a girl from work, of all places, I never would’ve meet a girl like her here.

Before leaving today, she walked up to me and asked for my IG. Like man, she beat me to it😅.
Upon checking out her IG, man… I think I’m in love. Her whole vibe, her style, everything😍. She snowboards, she’s outdoorsy, she’s into fitness like baby, where have you been all my life?

I’m excited, I’ve haven’t felt alive like this in a while.

[Matalexander305]

Slid in her dms, so far so good gents😎

[Matalexander305]

Goddamn, I’m smooth asf, where tf did this come from😂.

Well, PS obviously… but man, I’m impressed. I don’t know where I come up with all this smooth talk; it just flows through me.

Don’t sleep on PS. I’ve added Diamond in anticipation for the very near future😉

New stack: Primal Seduction, Diamond, Stark/True social custom.

[Matalexander305]

This girl is perfect. I think I’m in love.

PS turning my life into a movie

[Matalexander305]

Omg seriously, where is all this slick talk coming from

PS is a matrix hack, I can’t believe this is real

[Matalexander305]

Update: I took this girl skiing for the first date.

At first, I was worried because you spend a lot of time waiting in line and on the chairlift. (Which means lots of talking)

I was worried I’d have to put in all the effort and that I’d run out of things to say. But that wasn’t the case at all. We just fed off each other. There was never a dull moment the entire time we were together. It’s like we spoke the same language.

I’ve never opened up to a girl so fast I’m my life. It’s like we’ve known each other since birth. Everything feels natural with her, and I don’t have to play a character or “act” a certain way. She told me so much personal stuff, stuff you wouldn’t ever expect on the first date. But she said, “it feels right with you.” And I felt the same way.

I took her back to my place after. We chilled in the basement and watched fast and furious (lol). We cuddled, and she just fell asleep on my chest. It was the cutest thing ever. Then I ask if she’s ticklish. She goes silent. I start tickling her neck. Nothing. I tickle her waist, and she goes nuts😂.

Then she just wrapped her legs around me (like the wrestler she is ) and grabbed my hands. Here we are face to face, she loses grip, I tickle her a bit more, and then we look at each other deep in the eyes. I was about to kiss her, but I was out of breath. So I put my head to the side and said, “fuck, I’m outta breathe.” She started laughing her ass off. Then I got up, grabbed her chin and said, “chin up” (I told this to her once at work when she was having a bad day). Then we started making out.

Needless to say, she likes me a lot. Like ALOT. And so do I. It’s crazy how fast things escalated; it feels like I’m in a dream.

[Matalexander305]

Yesterday I invited her over again after work. On the drive there, we held hands, kissed, and talked the whole time. Again, she opened up quickly, telling me all kinds of secrets and stuff.

We get back to my place, have dinner, and chill in the basement again. This time we watched 2 fast 2 furious😂. Again, she just wrapped herself around me and laid her head on my chest, but it felt different. The energy was even stronger. The way she held onto me, the way she kissed me, everything. When we made out, it was way longer and more passionate than before. It sounded like she was whispering between kisses, “I love you.”

She literally couldn’t stop. She had to leave, and every time I started kissing her, she’d melt back into my arms and say, “You need to stop; you’re gonna keep me here forever😉”

I must’ve kissed her goodbye 6 or 7 different times😂.

Now that Heartsong is out, I’m tempted to run it. It already feels like I am, to be honest.

[Matalexander305]

Things are going well with this girl. We have a strong connection. But theirs a problem…

Before we started talking, she had sent out a few job applications to work in Banff. She loves the place and has friends she can live with up there. Well, she has an interview in a few days and told me she’s probably going to take the job.

So chances are, in a few weeks, she’ll be leaving

Now I feel like she’s holding back because she’s afraid to start anything “too serious” before she leaves. The problem is, I think it’s already too late for that. Her and I, we’re on the same wavelength; we vibe together. And I think it’d be a crime to go our separate ways.

I want to find a way to make things work. Idk how. I’ve even considered moving there with her. After only a week? Ya, I know. But I feel like there is something I don’t want to miss. Theirs no way I’m about to let a girl like this come into my life, completely rock my world, and watch her leave so soon.

Everything with her happened so fast and so naturally. No other girl has made me feel the way she makes me feel. The thought of her touching another man is unbearable to me, and I know she feels the same way.

So what do we do? She’s going to be here for a few more weeks, at least. Chances are, our connection will inevitably grow even stronger.

So I’ve swapped out Diamond for Heartsong. I want to stack the odds in my favour for this one. Maybe she’ll decide to stay; perhaps I’ll decide to run off with her. Maybe this will lead nowhere. Who knows. What I do know is that something’s going to happen.

[Matalexander305]

(Side note: Zp really turning my life into a full blown movie, I did not see this coming at all)
All these posts were about her. This was way before we even started talking.

@Matalexander305

Last night I had another dream; I was in school. There was this cute new girl. (who looks a lot like a girl I work with)

I don’t remember all the details, but I do remember seducing her, and we fell in love fast. Then we decide to leave school and find a place to continue our romantic endeavours.

For some reason, we ended up in my childhood best friend’s backyard. And we were looking inside. We noticed his parents immediately hit the ground and started freaking out. We felt stuck with no way out.

Then suddenly, the fence to the neighbour’s house disappeared, and I approached the house. I then met a Chinese lady; I convinced her to let us walk through her home and leave out the front door.

Weird lol

@Matalexander305

That’s not important though, but her look was. I think she’s into me; she had that typical high school girl excited look on her face. I don’t know how to explain it, lol, but hopefully, you know what I mean.

@Matalexander305

I remember looking over at her, and she was staring right at me. She didn’t look away for a good 3 seconds. She had that deer in the headlight look.

[Matalexander305]

Things are weird right now. I think this girl is going through some shit. I don’t know exactly what it is, but she seems depressed. Her entire demeanour has changed since I met her. She was so full of joy and positivity two weeks ago; now, she looks down.

About a week ago, she told me she needed space. She’s afraid to start anything too serious before she’s leaves for Banff

I’m upset. I like her, and she likes me. We would make a great couple. So I have no idea where this is going anymore. The last time we talked was on the weekend. We had plans, and she flopped. Said her mom took the truck so that she couldn’t drive over. From past experiences, I would think she doesn’t want to see me. Is that true, maybe? Idk. She’s a complicated person, and she hasn’t been as open as I’d like.

Maybe I should say something. “You seem down lately; what’s the matter?”. “I know you need your space, but, romance aside, if you wanna talk, I’m all ears.”

Something like that. I’m just too petty to double text. I’ve been left on read on snap, insta, and text. (Not ignored, but convo died).

At work, she’s still the same girl. Her eyes suddenly light up when she talks to me, and then she’s back to looking sad. But we haven’t talked over text in 4 days.

Ughhh I’m fed up. I guess I’ll see how this plays out

[Matalexander305]

Holy f*cking recon. I’ve been angry asf all day long. So many different emotions popping up. PS and/or Heartsong is taking me through some of my relationship traumas/ wounds.

Anyways, I’m getting fed up with this girl. I’m gonna confront her so I can move on with my life. This is exhausting at this point

[Matalexander305]

I think I’ve been self-sabotaging myself. Because this whole week we barely talked. I didn’t text her; we exchanged very few words at work. I was ready just to call things off as it seemed like she had lost interest.

She was supposed to come over last weekend, but her mom was out, so she couldn’t take the truck. To make things worse, she worked a half-day Saturday and took a nap after work, so I thought she was ignoring my texts too. So, I thought she was curving me. After she said she couldn’t come, I just replied, “ah.”

Thinking back on this now, I was making assumptions based on past relationship traumas/ wounds. This was a mistake…

So…on Friday, I caught her staring at me while working, and she didn’t even look away. So I thought, hmm, maybe I have been overthinking this.

After the lunch break, we were working, and I caught her again. This time, the look on her face was completely different. She was looking at me with dreamy eyes. -personified. The same look she gives me when we’re making out. Gave me butterflies, tbh.

After that, I knew it was on. I then go back into my texts with her and see the last message. And just facepalmed. I just spent the entire week thinking we were done. All because I projected my relationship traumas and wounds onto her.

I’m glad I’m running Heartsong now. This healing is long overdue