Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

[Matalexander305]

So we hung out last night.

And just as I thought. It was all in my head. She was the same girl I remember from 2 weeks ago. She was excited to see me, and the romance was on

We got pretty personal with each other last night… a little more than I expected. But I’m glad we did.

Unfortunately, the night took an unexpected turn…
So we went to a pool bar to meet my friend and his girl, and to get into the bars in Canada, you need a QR code vax pass. Well… she didn’t have the QR code version. So they wouldn’t let her in. So she got mad and stormed out.

“I’m going home; that just ruined my night.”
“I need to be alone.” Blah blah blah.

Eventually, I calmed her down. She’s a very anti-vax mandate, as am I. So it got to her. We ubered back home, and we chilled for another 45 mins. I watched a bit of UFC, which cheered her up.

I could tell she was feeling a lot of different emotions, and I realized that she’s the type of person who needs alone time to process them. It has nothing to do with whether or not she likes me or wants to hang with me. She needs her alone time, and I’m glad I know that now. It’s like a weight has been taken off my shoulders. Whole-time I thought theirs something wrong with me, but no that’s not the case.

The more I learn about her, the more I learn about myself. Strange how that works.

[Matalexander305]

Realization: I’m a huge flirt

Like HUGE. It’s just my natural persona. And I think I use it too much.

I remember talking with my girl, and she said, “ We need to be friends before I fall in love.” And I found that odd. At first, my red pill brain came in and thought, “this is bullshit”.

But I see what she means, I’m constantly pushing and pulling, flirting and teasing etc, and she gets annoyed sometimes. I even think this is why she left me on read so many times in the past.

So I think I need more balance here. Not that I need to be friendly in a platonic way, but I need to tone it down a bit. When we first started talking, things were going great, yes their was a bit of flirting, but I was mostly just getting to know her. I was “being her friend”.

Back in high school, I was the total opposite. I was too nice, and wasn’t flirtatious enough. And because of that, I got friend-zoned by a hot girls. So I think that’s why I over do the whole flirting thing now.

So it’s a balance. I can still be dominant, I can still be a flirt, but I need to show more of my friendly and charismatic side.

With that in mind, I might hope back on Chosen. But then again, I don’t want to drop PS or Heartsong. I could swap PS for Chosen but I feel like their is more work to do with it. On top of that I really want to run Diamond… rhghhhhhh!

Can’t wait for ZP customs

[Matalexander305]

I feel like I’ve lost my charismatic edge; it could be recon, it could be situational. But whatever it is, it needs to be fixed. The worst thing you can do to a girl is bore her… so I’m quite antsy to fix this.

Who knows, maybe this washout is all I need.
I’m starting to think I need less exposure to my subs. I feel kind of overloaded right now. This could be a simple recon, but I had some intense recon today.

I was angry, and I had no idea why. I think Heartsong is working with my subconscious on healing destructive relationship patterns like jealousy, feeling unworthy, self-doubt, and other insecurities. Now, these are huge wounds for me, so that could explain the recon.

On top of that, I ran Diamond maybe 2 or 3 times before swapping it out for Heartsong, so perhaps my subconscious is a little full right now😅.

Anyways, my washout officially starts on Friday. So hopefully, that will give me some mental clarity.

I’ve even considered dropping PS to run Khan. But I would have to start with TB, and I’m worried that healing would harm my relationship with my girl. I need to maintain my dominance and relationship skills. And I refuse to drop my custom because 1. I paid a mint for it, 2. It’s (almost) perfect for me.

[Matalexander305]

I’m thinking off running Wanted and Stark with my custom🤔

I have the Stark core in my custom, but I don’t feel it executing right now. I’ve been quiet and rather introverted for the past week and I don’t like it.

Again, I have 6 days before I run my next cycle. So I’m sure I’ll make the right decision

[Deadpool]

I guess your flirting demeanor is from PS so it would be a wise move to change it for something else. Chosen is probably a good choice.
And Wanted would be probably not a quite good choice because of hot and cold behavior, but who knows.

[Matalexander305]

@Deadpool

I guess your flirting demeanor is from PS so it would be a wise move to change it for something else.

It certainly is, but it’s always been naturally present. PS just amplified it. I want to run wanted because I feel like I’ve started doing the chasing, and I don’t like it. I need more nonchalance, better frame control etc. I think if I paired it with Stark or even chosen, it could smoothen out the Hot and cold aspect.

[Matalexander305]

@SaintSovereign

The expansive element builds upon, enhances and expands upon your core attribute. That was Mind’s Eye.

The restrictive element grounds you, keeps that core attribute from spiraling out of control. That’s Chosen From Within as I tend to detach from humanity / society for long periods of time, becoming completely lost in my work and creative pursuits.

Paragon is the balancer, as my physical health and mental / spiritual health are intrinsically linked. Also, both ME and CFW are addressing two “competing” poles of my inner life, and to balance that out, my physical health should be addressed.

I like Saints approach to stacking subs. I’m trying to brainstorm a bit on how I can apply this to my upcoming stack in 5 days.

I guess I’ll start with my goal. My goal would be creating a beautiful loving relationship with my girl. Too be honest, I’m worried about f*cking up, I’m worried that when and if she leaves for Banff that we’ll be “done” etc.

So with that in mind. What would be my expansive sub? Wanted. It’s my natural archetype. I’m naturally very good looking, coquettish, etc.

Running PS was awesome, I feel so much more dominant in my interactions with women, but I feel as though I’m doing the chasing now, and I don’t like it. I don’t feel like the prize right now, I’m not valuing my time and attention. Frame control could also use a tune up.

Now for the restrictive element: Chosen. I can really overdo the whole flirting, teasing, push pull thing. And if I were to out my self in the shoes of others, yes I can be a little annoying after a while. What balances out this side of me, is my kind, compassionate, charismatic side. I’m a fantastic listener, I know how to make people feel good about themselves, etc.

What’s great about Chosen and Wanted is that they both have physical shifting so while their is a contrast, theirs also a synergy present.

And for the balancer: Heartsong. Again, my current goal is to create a beautiful relationship with this girl. The characteristics of Wanted and Chosen are perfectly complimented by Heartsong.

Then again, I really would love to run Stark zp for 21 days in place of my custom. I could swap Chosen for Stark?

I am worried that Stark could amplify a lot of wanted’s coquettish elements but at the same time would offer me the charisma, fame and social skills that I want (plus much more).

So… decisions decisions

[Matalexander305]

What about love bomb, with Heartsong and Wanted…

Ouuuufff

[Matalexander305]

So last weekend, I was hanging with my girl, and she mentioned that she wanted to get a tattoo gun. (Yes she’s nuts but I love it😇)

Then she said, we should get a tattoo together…

I’m like what

“Yeah, we can both get a matching smiley face on our big toe”

SMH

I said f it, yeah let’s do it. I pinky promised her, so now I’m f*cked.

So today at work, she came up to me and said “I ordered the tattoo gun, it comes in this weekend!”. I just facepalmed and started laughing.

3 weeks with this girl and we’re getting a homemade matching tattoo… thanks Heartsong

[Matalexander305]

Chosen, Wanted & Heartsong

I think that’s going to be my stack. I’m still contemplating swapping Chosen for Stark or even Daredevil, but I believe Chosen is the right fit for now.

(Can’t wait for Zp customs, a Chosen + Stark custom stacked with Wanted and Heartsong? I’d be golden👌🏼 )

When I was on Chosen, it seemed like the world was finally opening up to me. I finally started feeling like I had control over my reality. The power of positivity is unreal.

Chosen or love bomb might become “must-haves” for me. Because I get caught in negative spirals, and it sucks. I feel stuck, I feel bored, and I HATE IT. Chosen came along and completely flipped the switch for me, and handed me back my power. (Hence the title of this journal)

So I’m going back to my roots.

I have chosen CHOSEN once again

[Matalexander305]

I’m so happy.

I remember running wanted qv2 and SEEING the results. There was no denying Wanted was working. My body was starting to look incredible; my facial features began to look more harmonious; I FELT attractive everywhere I went. I was hot, and I was cold, I was yes, and then I was no, I was in and then was out, I was up, and then I was down, I was wrong, and then I was… well, I think you get it

Wanted is my favourite sub; it always has been. And yet I’ve never ran Wanted Zp. It was hard to put it aside after reading all the amazing results from the test group. But alas, I did it anyway.

But now, my time has come. It’s the return of the Mack baby; I’m about to be a whole snack.

It almost feels unfair; I’m already good-looking. Everywhere I go, I get jealous stares from men, and hot looks from women. Hell, at work, they call me “the Ken doll,” “pretty boy,” and of course my favourite “Matty Cool with the nice hair”

Now, for me, I think Chosen is a must-have with Wanted. In all honesty, my ego is huge, and I need to keep it in check. How can you not be a little narcissistic when you’re whole life everyone tells you stuff like “you’re so f*cking hot,” “you’re so hot I cry every time I see you,” you’re a beautiful man, you’re the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

It’s certainly gratifying. But looks aren’t everything. Sometimes I see men so charismatic, so funny, so smooth, and I wish I could be like them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m social and all, but it’s not always my forte. I’m an INTP, so I’m very analytical, to the point where it hurts my social interactions. This leads me to think running daredevil alongside wanted would be a match made in heaven for me.

Too bad I’m so fixated on running Heartsong. Oh well, the time will come.

So, I’m running wanted for the behavioural aspect. Relationships don’t work out when the man does all the chasing (at least that’s always been my experience). So by running wanted, I’m hoping I can achieve more of an abundance mindset when it comes to women. I got a bit of oneitis for my girl, and I don’t like it. It feels like my masculine powers are being zapped. Neediness sure as hell ain’t attractive, so it’s got to go.

Heartsong has shown me some of my unhealthy relationship behaviours. I am seeking approval, seeking intimacy, seeking love etc. These are all things she should be doing, yet the game’s somehow been flipped on me. But I won’t have it, not anymore. I’m flipping the script. PS is out, and Wanted is in.

(I want to make it clear, PS isn’t to blame for my needy behaviour. It’s not the reason I was chasing her. Instead, it’s past relationship experiences. PS is what got me this girl in the first place)

So Wanted, Chosen and Heartsong.

[Matalexander305]

I feel like shit today. I don’t feel attractive; I don’t feel like talking to my girl; it feels like everything in my life is crumbling down.

This washout wasn’t as great as I expected. I think Heartsongs healing is digging into some deep, uncomfortable sh!t.

Perhaps that’s why I don’t feel very social. It could also be why I don’t feel my custom or PS is working anymore.

I was contemplating dropping Heartsong for daredevil or Stark, but I may as well get this healing over with.

After 21 days, I may make the change. I’ll see how things play out

[Matalexander305]

I’m seriously considering dropping heartsong. (On Valentine’s Day, oh the irony )

It might just be recon; actually, I’m confident that’s exactly what it is. It feels like I’m running regen and elixir again, but all these thoughts and memories that pop up are about love and relationship traumas and negative beliefs about myself.

Because this is likely recon, I’m going to stick to Heartsong. However, I’m really tempted to say F this and run daredevil instead.

This washout has been a roller coaster, and I just can’t wait to get off this ride; it’s driving me nuts

(I hate carnival rides, they always made me sick, sort of like love… Hmm

[Matalexander305]

Ne-Yo - So Sick (Official Music Video)

A Valentine’s day master piece

I swear I’m like the Ebenezer Scrooge of Valentines day lol

[Deadpool]

Stay strong !

[Matalexander305]

Thank man, doing my best

[Matalexander305]

I’m trying to be objective here: What am I missing, what am I trying to improve with my stack.

I want to become the prize. I want to be the guy girls rant and rave about. Sexually, socially, everything.

I need more confidence, more dominance, more charisma; I need to be the more social, more positive, and overall masculine man that leads.

And because I’m working on developing specific attributes, I don’t see why it makes sense to seek out a relationship so desperately. I’d be better off running Heartsong down the road once I’ve made more progress.

Now, I will continue and finish my 21-day cycle with Heartsong. But after that, it’s getting swapped out.

So what are my options:

Wanted
Chosen
Primal Seduction

I think this would work great. Wanted would be the expansive element, Primal seduction would be the restrictive element, and Chosen would be the balancer. This way, I wouldn’t get too comfortable with “passive attraction,” I would retain that raw masculine dominance. I get all the leadership and charismatic qualities of chosen + physical shifting to compliment Wanted.

Another potential stack:

Wanted
Chosen
Daredevil

Now Wanted is the expansive element, Chosen is the restrictive element, and Daredevil is the balancer. I believe Daredevil is very socially dominant, and I like that. It’s a quality I very much long for. Becoming better at socializing is the missing piece of my puzzle. I struggle with it because I’m always in my head, I overthink what to say, sometimes I try to say things, and they don’t come out how I want them to; there are times when I speak, and people blatantly ignore me. I do have a bit of social anxiety, and I hate it because it damages my life in so many ways.

True social is another contender here, and I have put the core in my Stark custom. And it’s been working well; things were going well socially until I started running Heartsong. I just want the dominance and romantic flavour that Daredevil offers.

Stark Is also a contender. I’ve run my stark custom for a good two months now, and I really like it. But I want to experience a full Zp stack. Stark is great because it covers more than Daredevil alone. I like the fame aspect, I like the cognitive enhancement, I like the innovation and empire-building part, and I also like the playboy aspect. My issue is because it’s so broad in its goals, I think it may take longer to manifest. Then again, I was running stark’s core in my Qv2 custom, so surely Zp would act faster.

I still got some time to make my final decision. But starting tomorrow, I’m running:

Wanted + Chosen, Rest, Heartsong, Rest, Repeat.

[Matalexander305]

Today was trash.

I completely ignored my girl today. She’s so difficult, I never know what she’s thinking.

Things were so great 3 weeks ago, now I have no idea anymore. She gives me mad mixed signals and it pisses me off.

I don’t know what we’re doing anymore. Everything seemed great after last weekend. Until I sent her a good night text and she left me on read.

I get that she was mad about the vax passport stuff, but no reason to take it out on me. Besides that, everything went well, we were all romantic and loving together.

Then she goes and leaves me on read… like EXCUSE ME, who tf do you think you are.
I still haven’t texted her since and I refuse to.

I’m starting Wanted tomorrow, so she better start doing some chasing or I’m gone.

I’m done playing stupid games. Ain’t no chick about to play with my heart. You got something else coming…

[Matalexander305]

First loop of Wanted and Chosen = Done

Let’s get this party started

[Matalexander305]

Damn, chosen’s acting fast. I’m already in a super positive mood. I feel more social, I’m not feeling cold towards my girl anymore.

Things seem to be turning around