Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

[Matalexander305]

I am once again The Chosen one.

My charisma’s back, my wit is back, I’m radiating positivity, and I feel angelic. It’s like I’m walking around with a halo everywhere I go.

But, deep beneath this ethereal presence lies my Wanted side. He’s in the early stages of development, but he has been re-awoken. I found myself in a bit of a devious mood today. Poking fun at my co-workers, coquettish behaviour with a few girls from work (including mine )

So yeah, things seem to be turning back around. My optimism has returned.

[Matalexander305]

Since I am running Wanted, and I do workout regularly… I’m going to post some before pics.

I’m very eager to see how this physical shifting tech manifests.

The following pics were taken between November 2021- now.

[Matalexander305]

Ok I’m feeling really feeling Wanted now. I think the Aura’s been activated

[Matalexander305]

Today was decent. I actually talked a bit with my girl today. I caught her staring at me a few times too.

I’m starting to think she’s just depressed. She shows all the signs, yet here I am thinking she doesn’t like me anymore.

It’s hard to know what to do. Ignoring her in person didn’t do all that much. I still haven’t texted her, and I still refuse to double text her too.

Maybe I’ll find ways to charm her a bit more at work. Make her laugh, idk something. I gotta get her talking cause I can’t stand these feelings of uncertainty. I’m a very confrontational person, and she’s just the total opposite.

Ugh, so frustrating. I can tell by how she looks at me that she’s still into me. But something is bugging her, and I gotta figure it out.

[Matalexander305]

Talk is so cheap. I used to say things like, “If she leaves you on read, kick her to the curb. If she’s got tats or too many piercings, it’s a red flag. If she’s got emotional issues, just run away—etc., Etc, Etc.

Then I meet this girl… and all of that’s out the window. Most others girls, yeah… I probably would walk out on.

But I can’t with this one. There is something unique about our connection, and I can’t put my thumb on it. It’s unlike any other girl I’ve ever dated. She almost reminds me of a younger version of me. We have so many commonalities it’s weird.

On paper, this girl is not my type at all. But I can’t help but be attracted to her.

I keep worrying that somehow I’m going to mess up, and she will lose attraction for me. (Past relationship traumas) But I’m starting to think that’s not going to be the case with her, despite these uncertain times. I believe theirs something genuinely beautiful about our connection, and I think this may last. Forever? Well, I won’t get ahead of myself, but something is telling me this one is here to stay awhile.

Maybe I’m just crazy; who knows.

I’ll let Heartsong do its thing in the meantime

[Matalexander305]

F*ck I’m sexy. I’m about to doze off to sleep and I’m just looking in the mirror admiring my body

I don’t believe Wanted physical shifting is already at work but my perception of myself has absolutely changed.

[Matalexander305]

Got an intuitive nudge to play Stark this morning.

Ask much as I wanted to complete the full 21 days with Heartsong. It doesn’t make sense to run it 3 more times then swap it to Stark without another washout.

When the times right, Heartsong will return.

Now it’s Stark’s time to shine.

[Matalexander305]

I feel euphoric. I think I’m gonna like this stack.

Chosen, Stark, Wanted

[Deadpool]

Reading a few journals it seems that the combination of Chosen + Stark is really very good choice.

[Matalexander305]

I’m p*ssed off. My girl walked by me this morning and didn’t even say a word… Like wtf. Maybe I’m just being dramatic, maybe this is just recon but I’m mad.

Oh well, guess it’s back to ignoring her

[Matalexander305]

Idk what to do anymore. Do I confront her about everything? Am I just over reacting? Do I just keep waiting?

[Matalexander305]

(This is my entry from Friday)

Chris Brown - Back To Love (Official Video)

I randomly thought about this song this morning before leaving for work.

And that’s when it hit me; I’m not the problem. In all my past relationships, I always felt like something was wrong with me. That I did something to make them not like me. And I’m starting to realize I’m just projecting this onto her.

I experienced a strong bout of depression a few years back and I would’ve probably behaved the same way as her. Dryness, very quiet, etc. When I was going through it, the idea of someone thinking I’m not being there for them, or I’m not doing enough for them would’ve been insulting. “You have no idea what I’m going through, how dare you put that on me” is what I’d be thinking.

I’d probably would’ve acted real dry with them then. So from this perspective, I understand her. But I don’t understand exactly what she’s going though and that I want to know.

I’ve done nothing to make her not like me; I’m still the same guy she met a month ago. So I’m good.

But her? I don’t think so. She seems depressed and lacks enthusiasm. Her demeanour isn’t the same as a month ago, and here I am, thinking it’s because of me. Well, it’s not. I think it’s just this job, and perhaps her living situation.

I would let her know what’s been on my mind today, but she didn’t show up for work. So, I’m just going to get over my pettiness and text her tonight.

I cannot operate from uncertainty.

[Matalexander305]

So I texted her.

And it’s exactly what I thought. She’s depressed. Says things moved way to fast with us and she’s not in the right mindset for it. So I’m gonna give her some space.

I’m honestly relieved, I was so worried that I was the problem. But no. Everything’s fine.

Theirs no bad blood between us, she just needs to sort herself out.

So, I’m optimistic.

[Matalexander305]

Now that I have some clarity, I’m excited about the future.

I’m getting a car soon, and I’ve decided to buy a Mustang I’ve always wanted one, and I can afford it. So why not? You’re only young once

But I’m torn now, I can either go with a newer model, or I can go with a slightly older 2014-2015 and get a convertible. Either way, this is going to be fun.

I’ve been through a lot of sh!t in my life, and getting this car would be a dream come true. It’s amazing to see how far I’ve come.

So what else is new? Since beginning my new stack (Wanted, Chosen and Stark), I’ve noticed I’m a lot more social. I’m more present now, I don’t overthink as much, and I’m starting to feel that Wanted nonchalance. I’ve also noticed that I’m a lot more charismatic lately, and I’m a lot more positive than I was in the last few weeks.

Even though Wanted’s physical shifting is only beginning to work it’s magic, I feel a lot more attractive. From my body language to my demeanour and even the way I talk. I just feel sexy all the time.

I’ve also started taking Ashwagandha.
(Ksm-66 form)
I haven’t taken it in years, but after stumbling upon a video about it, I decided to hop back on it. I forgot how much I loved this stuff. It’s like mindfulness in a pill. I feel so relaxed after taking it, like no anxiety, totally chilled out, yet I’m not drowsy. It also helps in the gym. That I know for a fact. Back when I was taking 1200-1800 mg a day, not only was I in the best shape of my life, but I was hella strong too.

[Matalexander305]

Ok, my abs look amazing and yet I’ve only trained them once in the last two weeks. Best of all, I don’t have a specific training regime. My workouts have been entirely random lately. Best of all, I don’t even count macros, and I’ve only been training twice a week.

So once I get this car, I’m going all in. I’m going to follow a program to a T. Gonna do meal prep, going to start training 4-5 days a week. By summertime, I expect to be in the best shape of my life.

Now my only dilemma is… I want to start training Muay Thai. I’m serious about it too. I want to get in the ring, do tournaments, the whole 9 yards. I need competition in my life. So, I‘ve got a bit of a dilemma.

I want to go all-in on fighting, but I also want to look like a Greek god this summer. Muay Thai will certainly get me shredded, but I want to put on some lean muscle.

[Matalexander305]

Yeah, I changed my mind. Girl, I was seeing… just saw her TikTok.

Let’s say theirs a lot of red flags…

I’m done; maybe Heartsong was working it’s magic in unexpected ways

[Matalexander305]

I’m starting to think I need to run something to cover sexual dominance.

I’m not as experienced with sex as I’d like to be, and I want to be a sex god.

Makes me think I should run sex mastery. Maybe even Khan.

Who knows. I don’t want to switch things up too soon, but I know it’s something I gotta work on.

[Matalexander305]

If I decide to run it, Chosen’s gotta go. Wanted, Stark and Sex Mastery would be the stack.

[Matalexander305]

Ok wanted’s working fast.

My torso is looking real nice, my lower abs never showed much in the past. But now they’re becoming alot more visible.

Also, my face looks real handsome. Jawline looks a bit more defined, and overall theirs a more masculine look to it.

I’m also feeling super horny. Like I’m a aggressive and animalistic way. Too bad theirs no girls around right now. Tonight would be a good night to go out.

But I’ve never gone out by myself. I’d be way nervous and awkward. F*ck I got a lot of work to do

[Matalexander305]

Im also really feeling that Wanted nonchalance. I just feel real chill and cool everywhere I go.

But yet, I’ve been real introverted lately. Maybe recon, maybe it’s the breakup.