Sungaze's Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#116

Last night I was at an event, to work as a sound engineer.
Of course, there were a lot of girls around, and I noticed stares and glances this time too.

What I notice though is that in this type of situation it’s as if I’m waiting for these looks, looking for confirmation that Wanted is doing something.

I don’t feel a particular attraction for one girl rather than another, and I’m not pushed to interact, but rather it is precisely to have confirmation that they would be interested.

I don’t know if I’m misunderstanding but I don’t think this is the “nonchalance of a truly realized individual”.

Indeed this is probably a sense of insecurity, and a need for confirmation.

#117

I would give it 3 business days. Is there a support ticket you are waiting on?

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#118

Yes I’ve opened this one as you suggested

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#119

I notified staff.

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#120

So, I keep looking for ways to take action:

Primal
I started watching a course on sexuality: partner connection, techniques and principles.
Also I’m still practicing arousal control and energy circulation. Control it’s getting a bit better maybe. Probably cause not watching porn, or erotic images on a daily basily makes me more relaxed on that aspect.
I still find it difficult to feel energy.

Wanted
I still train 4 a week, I’ve always did. I feel pretty good about how I look, but I have noticed that while with the first cycle I was looking into the mirror like “wow I look damn amazing”, now I have “up and downs”, sometimes I’m ok, other times my mind just look for defects.
I’m also trying to put myself in social situations where there are woman etc.

I can’t think of much else for Wanted, other than trying to approach. It’s still look very difficult to me, I don’t know what to say nor feeling particularly interested in someone.

This is my last week for this cycle. I still have no reply from the support, so I’ll probably add Rebirth for the next cycle, or LBFH (which I’ve already used 5 month).
I’ll ask in the “ask questions” section of the forum anyway

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#121

So, ending this cycle, 5th of Primal (3,5 months) and 3rd of Wanted (2 months) here is what I’ve noticed.

What I’ve previously described as diminishing was PROBABLY recon.

Sexuality: It its now been 5/6 weeks since i last PMOed.

During this period of time I’ve still practiced masturbation but it has become like a form of sexual practice: no visual stimuli, feeling energy moving around the body (and MCO), deep breathing, relaxation, feeling the space around my body…

I’ve done 20-25 min sessions without ejaculation, and ended with some grounding and dan tien breathing.

Despite the stimulation and non ejaculation I feel very calm and grounded about sexuality. I’ve retained semen in the past but I’ve always “looking for sexual stimuli” during the day.

This has reduced a lot lately, I still have the impulse to watch some “virtual sexual content” but even if this happens it’s felt as boring, at times ridiculous, fiction…

As I said I’m also following a course about sexuality.
I’m starting to perceive depth to sexuality, it’s deep connection with nature, universe and human beings.
I now realise how, despite my age, I had a very basic, fictional image about sexuality (and I’m noticing how most people do)

On the attraction area (Wanted) I’m still not seeing much apart from gazes, this seem to go with days though.

Aesthetically, I had this “farstretched” image of myself during the first cycle of Wanted, now its very much oscillating between “I’m ok” - “I don’t like this or thatthing”.

What I’ve noticed though is much less “need to be wanted”, I’m not looking for attention or at least I’m much more relaxed about it.

It seems I’ve also lost the anxiety about not having a sexually active life, being alone while getting old.

I don’t see much improvement in the social area, I stil don’t approaching girls for eg. but now is more like I don’t have much interest in doing so.
I’m not sure if it’s wanted non-chalance, primal groundedness or just masked social anxiety

Overall I feel very calm the last few days. Most of all, I trust myself.

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Just curious about your thoughts
#122

Last week I’ve started using PS instead of Primal.
I’ve already done 5 cycles of Primal, so I’m thinkng I can safety transition to PS, which contains both Primal and SS.

Wanted started to kick in: not much on the physical shifts (at least I dont notice theme) but on th attraction side.
There’s this girl who explicitly said she’s attracted to me, not directly to me, but to my friend’s girlfriend.
Yesterday I was at an event of his group of friends, and we chatted a bit. She’s an interesting girl, so I’m ok with it.

Inside the same group there is another one that showing interest too, everytime we are in the same place she keeps glancing at me.
We talked a few times, she seems very shy.

They’re both in their early twenties, which puts me down a little, but we’ll see

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Main Disc. Thread - Wanted ZP v2
#123

Not in great mood today, my life is actually changing but I don’t feel particularly enthusiastic about what is happening it eventhough I’ve been waiting for changes

Today I thought about my past “mistakes” trying to recontextualize them to learn something useful.

I’m also thinking a lot about what Saint was saying in a recent post, highlighting the contrast between running seduction titles and “spiritual” ones.

I’m asking myself why they should be mutually exclusive (right, cause I’m running seduction ones right now), and if so, why not clearly indicate which titles are in conflict with each other.

I know it my seems obvious superficially, interest in sex/money/material things is seen as an obstacle in some religious traditions, at least as they have been interpreted by the spreaders of the original message.

In my view though true spirituality means integration of (apparent) opposites, not esclusive. Esclusion brings repression, division, tension.

On top of that people are not rigid beings, for many years I was very polarized toward completely oriented on spirituality, meditating several hours a day, reinterpreting every chat I have through a “spiritual” light.

And yet, here I am running PS and Wanted

#124

Much better mood today in general :relieved:

Still on 4th cycle of Wanted and 1st of PS, I will consider whether to continue with PS or go back to Primal as suggested by @Invictus here

So, one of the two girl I was talking about before is definitely trying to catch me :police_car:
Yesterday she was at an event and asked to one of my friends why I wasn’t there, today she unexpectedly came into my shop while I was working to “say hello” and ask for my phone number.

And again, another girl I barely know sent me a friend request on social media this afternoon

Curious thing, they both have a partner… I think I can easily get in trouble with Wanted :rofl:

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Main Disc. Thread - Wanted ZP v2
#125

Almost ending this cycle.

I already dated one of the girls i was talking about earlier. Twice she canceled two appointments she had to see me.
And if I don’t misunderstand this is definitely Wanted.

We haven’t had sexual contact yet, but I’m already noticing some anxiety and insecurity in me about it.
As I said earlier I know this part of me that took root at the end of my long relationship, where the almost complete lack of sex led me to have thoughts about not being good enough, etc…

So there is probably still “Primal healing” to be done in this area.

BTW I have been answered by the support team that there’s not really a conflict between PS and Wanted. And that stacking both would probably develop both styles of seduction, and therefore the ability to use both.

If that’s the case I think I will go on with PS

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#126

Finally I met the girl sexually.
I was reluctant to even start kissing her (first kiss), or how to make physical contact.
Than everything want smooth (and probably much better than usual due to a few new techniques and suggestions I’ve found in a sexual mastery course), till the moment of penetration.

Let’s just say I didn’t measure up for that… probably stress, tiredness, anxienty?

I didn’t felt particularly ashamed, at least on the surface.

I have to consider the fact that the last time I ejaculated was two months ago.
And that I haven’t had many sexual experiences in recent months.

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#127

BTW I’ll keep using PS.

And thinking about adding a third title:
Ascension to keep working on self-esteem, or Mogul (which I already own but never used) to start working on the financial area)

Any suggestion? I like having other perspectives :sweat_smile:

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#128

Ascended Mogul?

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#129

Yeah, I just that I bought Mogul… I don’t remember why not AM :rofl: :rofl:

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#130

Oh since this cycle is ended I’d like to say that I’m almost completely free from porn. Almost because sometimes, like 1-2/month I got mild/strong urges to “have some fun”.

But it’s getting more and more empty, miningless, lifeless… especially compared to the real thing :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

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#131

Will add this one to my stack :+1:

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#132

I’m probably noticing Wanted effects in other areas too.
I’ve been choosen to train a group of people last evening. They were a group of 20, I was completely confident and comfortable even though it’s been a long time since I’ve taught a group of people.

By the end of the two hours everyone was extremely satisfied and asked me to come back in the future.

On the sexual side, I’m having some issues described here

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#133

Today would be my first day of the new cycle, but I’m thinking of wait a few more days of washout… I dont actually know how much.

This are the whys:

  • I think I’m currently in recon: My mood isn’t very great. I’m experiencing a lot of neediness related anxiety, that also translates into difficulty getting to sleep.
    The thoughts revolve around the need that the girl I’m currently dating look for me.
    I know she is into an “open relationship” from the start, but now it seems it is causing me anxiety.
  • It has beens suggested to me in the thread here
  • I plan to add AM, so I think a bit of “pause” is a good idea.
#134

I’ve briefly talked about this to the girl. We will have to talk about these things in person cause she “have doubts too”.

Damn, I didn’t think this thing could have such an effect on me.
I mean, how long are we dating for? 1 week?

And I feel like shit… I don’t even know what she has to say.

I was just hoping that the feeling of confidence I’ve had lately was real and didn’t collapse like that in an instant.

#135

Feeling a bit better today. I’ve got a good sleep and woke up more calm.

Still not in the mood of socializing thought, and “looking for understanding” about the relationship.

Probably I’m too rational about it.

I’ve planned to keep the washout till next week, even though I’ve this subtle but constant fear of loosing the results I was having

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