Sungaze's Journal

Journals - Major Programs
#122

Last week I’ve started using PS instead of Primal.
I’ve already done 5 cycles of Primal, so I’m thinkng I can safety transition to PS, which contains both Primal and SS.

Wanted started to kick in: not much on the physical shifts (at least I dont notice theme) but on th attraction side.
There’s this girl who explicitly said she’s attracted to me, not directly to me, but to my friend’s girlfriend.
Yesterday I was at an event of his group of friends, and we chatted a bit. She’s an interesting girl, so I’m ok with it.

Inside the same group there is another one that showing interest too, everytime we are in the same place she keeps glancing at me.
We talked a few times, she seems very shy.

They’re both in their early twenties, which puts me down a little, but we’ll see

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Main Disc. Thread - Wanted ZP v2
#123

Not in great mood today, my life is actually changing but I don’t feel particularly enthusiastic about what is happening it eventhough I’ve been waiting for changes

Today I thought about my past “mistakes” trying to recontextualize them to learn something useful.

I’m also thinking a lot about what Saint was saying in a recent post, highlighting the contrast between running seduction titles and “spiritual” ones.

I’m asking myself why they should be mutually exclusive (right, cause I’m running seduction ones right now), and if so, why not clearly indicate which titles are in conflict with each other.

I know it my seems obvious superficially, interest in sex/money/material things is seen as an obstacle in some religious traditions, at least as they have been interpreted by the spreaders of the original message.

In my view though true spirituality means integration of (apparent) opposites, not esclusive. Esclusion brings repression, division, tension.

On top of that people are not rigid beings, for many years I was very polarized toward completely oriented on spirituality, meditating several hours a day, reinterpreting every chat I have through a “spiritual” light.

And yet, here I am running PS and Wanted

#124

Much better mood today in general :relieved:

Still on 4th cycle of Wanted and 1st of PS, I will consider whether to continue with PS or go back to Primal as suggested by @Invictus here

So, one of the two girl I was talking about before is definitely trying to catch me :police_car:
Yesterday she was at an event and asked to one of my friends why I wasn’t there, today she unexpectedly came into my shop while I was working to “say hello” and ask for my phone number.

And again, another girl I barely know sent me a friend request on social media this afternoon

Curious thing, they both have a partner… I think I can easily get in trouble with Wanted :rofl:

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Main Disc. Thread - Wanted ZP v2
#125

Almost ending this cycle.

I already dated one of the girls i was talking about earlier. Twice she canceled two appointments she had to see me.
And if I don’t misunderstand this is definitely Wanted.

We haven’t had sexual contact yet, but I’m already noticing some anxiety and insecurity in me about it.
As I said earlier I know this part of me that took root at the end of my long relationship, where the almost complete lack of sex led me to have thoughts about not being good enough, etc…

So there is probably still “Primal healing” to be done in this area.

BTW I have been answered by the support team that there’s not really a conflict between PS and Wanted. And that stacking both would probably develop both styles of seduction, and therefore the ability to use both.

If that’s the case I think I will go on with PS

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#126

Finally I met the girl sexually.
I was reluctant to even start kissing her (first kiss), or how to make physical contact.
Than everything want smooth (and probably much better than usual due to a few new techniques and suggestions I’ve found in a sexual mastery course), till the moment of penetration.

Let’s just say I didn’t measure up for that… probably stress, tiredness, anxienty?

I didn’t felt particularly ashamed, at least on the surface.

I have to consider the fact that the last time I ejaculated was two months ago.
And that I haven’t had many sexual experiences in recent months.

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#127

BTW I’ll keep using PS.

And thinking about adding a third title:
Ascension to keep working on self-esteem, or Mogul (which I already own but never used) to start working on the financial area)

Any suggestion? I like having other perspectives :sweat_smile:

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#128

Ascended Mogul?

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#129

Yeah, I just that I bought Mogul… I don’t remember why not AM :rofl: :rofl:

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#130

Oh since this cycle is ended I’d like to say that I’m almost completely free from porn. Almost because sometimes, like 1-2/month I got mild/strong urges to “have some fun”.

But it’s getting more and more empty, miningless, lifeless… especially compared to the real thing :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

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#131

Will add this one to my stack :+1:

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#132

I’m probably noticing Wanted effects in other areas too.
I’ve been choosen to train a group of people last evening. They were a group of 20, I was completely confident and comfortable even though it’s been a long time since I’ve taught a group of people.

By the end of the two hours everyone was extremely satisfied and asked me to come back in the future.

On the sexual side, I’m having some issues described here

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#133

Today would be my first day of the new cycle, but I’m thinking of wait a few more days of washout… I dont actually know how much.

This are the whys:

  • I think I’m currently in recon: My mood isn’t very great. I’m experiencing a lot of neediness related anxiety, that also translates into difficulty getting to sleep.
    The thoughts revolve around the need that the girl I’m currently dating look for me.
    I know she is into an “open relationship” from the start, but now it seems it is causing me anxiety.
  • It has beens suggested to me in the thread here
  • I plan to add AM, so I think a bit of “pause” is a good idea.
#134

I’ve briefly talked about this to the girl. We will have to talk about these things in person cause she “have doubts too”.

Damn, I didn’t think this thing could have such an effect on me.
I mean, how long are we dating for? 1 week?

And I feel like shit… I don’t even know what she has to say.

I was just hoping that the feeling of confidence I’ve had lately was real and didn’t collapse like that in an instant.

#135

Feeling a bit better today. I’ve got a good sleep and woke up more calm.

Still not in the mood of socializing thought, and “looking for understanding” about the relationship.

Probably I’m too rational about it.

I’ve planned to keep the washout till next week, even though I’ve this subtle but constant fear of loosing the results I was having

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#136

Still don’t have any explainations but I’m more in a “fuck it” mood now :grin:
Not really angry… But fuck it

Today I gave myself to material pleasures lol, bought some nice new clothes and a bottle of wine for worthy occasions

When changing clothes I’ve noticed I don’t see myself looking good enough, it is still a changing thing for me… Sometimes I see myself awesome :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

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#137

I’ll start making some practices and taking some herbs for sexual performarce… I don’t know if is just subs manifesting or me being paranoid about this

#138

I’m still unsure what I’m looking for in this relationship.
The girl doesn’t seems much interested now, and to me the idea of an “open relationship” brings up a lot of doubts (never had one before).
Some of them are the impossibility to deepen to much the relationship, how can one have time for multiple people, etc…

I’ve added AM to my stack and will stick with Billion’s suggested stack of 3 titles for now, mainly because I listen on the same days every week and I can more easily organize my schedule.

It'll be like this

Monday - PS+Wanted (and AC)
Tuesday - Rest
Wednesday - Wanted+AM
Thursday - Rest
Friday - AM+PS
Saturday - Rest
Sunday - Rest

Repeat for 3 weeks and on last week skip Friday

On the “taking action” side I’m still practicing sexually related activities daily (kegels, breathing…) and herbal and vitamins supplements.

#139

For now I haven’t had other sexual occasions with the girl I was talking about.
We met one afternoon and talked about our relationship, including the problem that had arisen… basically she wanted to be sure that “it’s not because of her”

In the last week I’ve noticed very low libido, difficulty having erection and maintaing it by myself too.
So I’ve stopped taking creatine (that for some people can cause this) and yesterday I felt already better.

Now I wonder if the total disinterest in porn over the last month was actually rewiring or low libido caused by whatever.

Last night in bed I had a thought about having been in the same house since I was a kid, and subtle feeling of “not being good enough” because I don’t have “my house” (even though I actually own the apartment".
A strong desire for a new place emerged, a independent house with a garden and a more natural setting in general.
I attribute this to AM I’ve listened for the first time on Wednesday. It’s not that I’ve never had this thought (and it usually make me feel shame, a subtle guilt) but this time was really strong.
I also notice I have more though about ways to make money, my future etc.

My current career situation is this:
I’m trying to sell my shop, in which I’m actually working like an employee or worse… And start something new.
I own part of the shop because unfortunately my mother, who was the owner, passed away. But I don’t really like this job.
I feel I’m stagnating an throwing away my life in here.

I don’t have a real plan B though (aside from selling the shop).
I have several interests in life (mostly music, martial arts), but I can’t see how I could develop them and make a work out of them.
All the work I’ve done previously (I’m in my late 30s) was out of necessity, I adapted, without ever following a personal dream.

Let’s where this goes.

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#140

Today it was a good one, I slept good and wentnout early in the morning to get 240km from my city to train with the team.

Competition will be next week :crossed_fingers:

I havent seen the girl I’m dating but thats fine, apparently she’s busy these days.

I’m already seen something from AM, yesterday I started reading some articles about forex. It was completely oblivious to me :sweat_smile:

#141

I’ve met the girl yesterday night, she came home with me and this time my friend was very awake lol

I’ve notice a little increase of confidance in me, but nothing like “the nonchalance of a truly realized individual”.

Also, I think I still don’t see much improvement regarding the seduction area. Maybe a little, but it’s still quite unnatural, forced.

As far as sexual healing is concerned, I think I’m continuing to move forward, even though there’s still a lot to do.

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