I’ve reflected about my shadow and its core in me, trying to figure out how to tackle it since that’s the main part of my psyche that constricts me, and limits my potential realization. Inevitably I went back to my childhood and my father. I saw the main theme of my childhood (in relation to my dad) as a reengineered version of the biblical theme of the Fallen Angel who got thrown down for rebelling against God since he lost in the rebellion. In my case it was about being thrown down for the hatred God (my father) had for me since he couldn’t deal with his own demons (his mother didn’t want to give the birth and he was an unwanted child). The only feeling that I associate with my father is fear… and as the Fallen Angel the only way to rebel against “God” is to rebel against a fear. I identified that fear as the fear of life which may be stronger in me than the fear of death. In the past I would “mortify” myself to deal with that fear of life and to excuse myself away from being responsible for myself and my life. That self-denial was my weapon against the fear of life. Now, I’ve dealt with some parts of that shadow (my self-denial stemming from the fear of life) yet it still keeps its hold on me. Its core is denying my self the right to feel, experience… to live, out of the fear of life and being responsible for myself. THE DENIAL OF LIVING MY LIFE is the only real nemesis I need to deal with. I though of the sub to tackle it but it seems to me that Phoenix and Primal are the best pair to deal with it as Phoenix helps me transform by letting go of the past and Primal instills in me the love of life and the courage to live it on every level.
Upon the whole reflection the old feeling of grief came back and I cried but the feeling itself seemed to have a much less intense source as if its source had got depowered and the crying wasn’t violent as it used to be and was really short-lived. I think it was Phoenix at work.