SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#189

May 18, 2022
1st rest day
A truth emerged

A fear of abandonment. That’s what I’m reacting to.

I’ve been awake for a while, as I’m uncomfortable with something unknown. I’ve felt it before, very regularly, but have feared touching it.

It comes out as “I don’t want to face it, but I don’t want anyone to know either”. The end of that sentence made me aware, for that’s what’s really bugging me.

DR is pulling up this awareness–and I’ve been handwaving it away due to fear, as it touches me deep. I come on here, puke something ugly and uncomfortable–ultimately hoping to push everyone away. I do that to keep everyone at arm’s distance. I’m really, really uncomfortable in this, so I avoid the fear of abandonment by pushing you away before anyone gets close. My show of emotional and relational “detestableness” is how I find some safety. I play “that guy” to keep you away.

With men it’s strongest. Always has been. I work with all guys, and I feel I’m still trying to heal some old wound with men. That boyhood scar of my big brother leaving me. I look left and right constantly seeking some hope and healing (relief actually), and … I have this dark, empty hole in me. I keep trying to fill it up, and I’m doing that same thing here.

But as I’ve used subs here, I’ve been pointed back to that old root many, many times. I’ll suddenly feel extremely vulnerable and visible…and I freak out, usually running away (mostly from myself). That’s where I am now. It scares the fuck out of me knowing I might be abandoned again. So ironically, I set that very thing up. But I’m in control. I’m so used to doing this. That’s my life on autopilot.

I’m trying to feel my way through this as I write. Why? Because giving up and feeling hopeless has always been the other default option. Being hopeless sucks. And this is the 2nd day Chosen’s been activating in me, literally putting me out there to be seen… I’ve had some tears rise up while writing, even just now, and I sensed they were mostly from saying goodbye to something. Yeah. Something is changing. I think it’s that default setting to hide. That’s major.

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#190

May 18 (cont.)

I am having DR activate in my life. I actually pulled up the DR objectives today since I was feeling pretty good, and while reading them, I could feel some of them activating. Much of it is the internal power it speaks of, like a sense of knowing I am entirely ready to face anything coming at me. I feel that now.

This contrasted the stress I’ve been experiencing with 2 investments, and me and my miner shared ideas with each other early on. Much of the morning was preoccupied with inner frustration and worry. Even now I have the choice to focus on this problem alone (which is very similar to my emotional habits).

And DR (probably Chosen too) began making me aware of this growing hope and positivity in me. It was way more desirable than the stress I’d been focusing on.

Another objective is letting go of others’ limiting beliefs about me that I’d accepted. It made me happy as I realized this is coming true in my life.

As I read the stage 2 summary, I realized stage 1 has been preparing me for this evolution. The masculinity boosting along with feeling the inner power and self-belief excited me to move forward.

DR is helping me trust the process, and I’m honestly excited!

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#191

May 19, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd rest day

I worked with a guy today that is very easy to work with. I realized early on that, for some reason, I was cross. Unhappy. Unhappy with myself, but unsure why.

It was around lunch, and I suddenly realized–it was obvious to me–that I had been quietly upset all morning since I was putting on a face. When I realized that, a nonverbal inner honesty was coming out of me, and I felt free. It took no effort, no struggle, and no strain. None at all. I was just “me”.

That freedom makes me crave more. It’s literally priceless. I’m looking forward to more growth and integration with this. I have loops tomorrow, but I’m craving that freedom now.

I think I noticed this when realizing that inner unhappiness has made me volatile with others before (like I’d just flip suddenly and be an ass). Today, I think I just got tired of putting myself through that inner tension and resulting unhappiness, and DR came through for me.

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#192

May 20, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
Listening now

Something I’m experiencing now while listening is a sense of disconnectedness. I’ve been browsing the forum, focusing on particular threads, and I’ve actually sought some familiar reaction in myself since some reactions felt good and worth being repeated.

I’m not feeling that this morning. On anything. And I am on Elixir now. I’m unsure what it’s doing.

I have been in Michel’s thread, and he’s looking at adding I AM to his custom, a module aimed at dissolving every negative association and connection in you and building you back. I wonder if my mind’s grabbing on to this idea and running with it. Who knows?

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#193

May 20, 2022 (cont.)

Disconnectedness. I figured it out

It’s connected to me putting on faces with people, pretending I’m something I’m not–so they’ll like me. This morning, while writing, I was trying to put on a face here, while simultaneously realizing “I really don’t want to do this”. I’ve had a small number of times today when the choice of BSing came to my attention. I had some success today.

My latest one was with my sister via text 10 minutes ago. A coworker offered to take me to the airport Monday morning but was not approved for the day off (since we work in the same department), and I’d not made much effort to locate another ride yet. Very hesitantly I texted my sister (after stalling a good hour). While fearing and avoiding any interaction with her, I realized why I was so afraid, even bordering anger. To hide who I really am, I’ve put on a face with her for years–but like yesterday’s episode of unhappiness, I grew more and more uncomfortable asking her. I’d be screwing me, I thought. I felt like I had to step into yesterday’s reality to survive. Uggghhhhh…

I did finally text her, consciously trying to be honest with myself and her in the 5-6 text exchange. She can’t do it–so why am I angry at her? …because…I constantly hid me to please her in times past. In other words, I’ve always held anger towards people I’ve felt obligated to lie to–because I seriously tried to put all responsibility on them.

And I’ve withdrawn from most people in my life due to this. Meeting someone I know always holds the threat of them finding out I’m lying to both of us so they’ll like me, and possibly even abandoning me. Why’d I admit that?

I have seriously never considered being honest with most people in my life. I think “they know me as …”. “I need to act in X way to receive a Y reaction”. Something like that. I’ve always had a payoff.

…but no sane person would knowingly continue lying to people so they’ll be liked. (cough, cough) I have.

This is the (growth) that Saint talks about in the healing objectives (I’m thinking of Love Bomb now). I can keep doing the easy stuff, but no growth will happen. That’s why I’ve not faced much internal resistance to sticking with DR long-term. It’s hell when I have a good time with a person or persons, but immediately upon leaving, I feel queasy and unhappy with myself and have no desire to repeat that ever again. I’m tired of living in this loop. Seriously, it just SUCKS.

P.S. That’s why I rarely reach out to others here. Lying is a painful experience for me. I always lose.

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#194

May 22, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd rest day

A post showing some gains I’m experiencing:

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#195

May 23, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
Listening to DR now

I’m in an airport, flying to see my daughter and ex out of state. Feeling small now. Am going to write it out since emotions (or fear of emotions) can be overpowering.

Took an Uber to the airport. Something hit me in my gut. I was reminded of my college days 20 years back (since I lived close to a major city). The getting-away escape mentality while traveling to…and my gut clenched. While being nostalgic, I realized I was afraid of something. I had a mug of coffee in my bag, but hadn’t drunk any yet. My fear cried for that escape, any escape at all. Something hit me. Something is becoming real.

I’m realizing I’ve had this belief that says “I won’t be able to make it”. My fears have survived due to that, and my fear is seeing worst possible outcomes during this visit.

Digging barely at all into this, sadness was creeiping up last night. Sadness from change. Letting go of old mental protections. I was watching a spiritual romance movie, and I’m seeing…I’ve kept walls up to God. Part of me doesn’t want this. And part of me REALLY DOES. But holding up barriers means holding up fronts and facades.

And I couldn’t possibly live without facades, could I?

My fear says “hell no! Gotta keep them!”

Fuck this. This is the fear I’m walking up to. (Why the hell do I cry when facing fears? Doing so now) This is what I’ve been facing. I keep jumping on this repetitive cycle. I’m facing feeling very vulnerable and facing my erratic fears of being known.

Part of me wants that. Unsure what happens next. But tired of hurting myself by avoiding this.

I’ll be back. Gotta check in before lines grow here. Major changes faced internally.

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#196

I just sent a ticket to support. I listened this morning, but this technically should be my last listening day of this cycle. I simply wondered if listening another day 3 days from now would be wise so I don’t do a washout around my daughter and ex.

I’ve not had overly harsh washouts, but I thought it wise to ask. I think the root of this fear is tied to me feeling vulnerable which I spoke of in my last post.

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#197

Washouts on healing subs can be destabilising but also breakthroughs do happen. Who knows, at least youve planned it out and can adapt if the worst comes to pass.

You’re on Dragon Reborn, but Februus is an underrated module for dissolving stuff from the past in a detailed manner. Sometimes the healing doesn’t need to be full force at all but more realisation and reasonings behind ingrained behaviour. Might be worth a look.

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#198

May 23, 2022 (cont.)

I just watched another spiritual movie. Wtf is going on?? I’m just scared of admitting this…to myself. I consistently, repeatedly, fearfully…avoid dealing with this.

I didn’t grow up with a father to watch over me, care for me, love me…or show me I mattered for who I was, as I am. The spiritual movies bring me back close to roots and feelings of desire for that, and I don’t know how to do this…to BE loved. To know I’m loved. To BE. I’ve always been on stage in my mind around people who might love me. That is my MAIN trouble here lately. DR’s been showing me that want and need–and my most well-known template is “EARN that love”.

The truth (of just being me, as I am) scares the fuck out of me since fear of rejection says “fuck that. Ain’t gonna face that! Let’s perform! Put on that face! Force out those thoughts!”

I’ve steered away from a lot of true spirituality since those very things I’ve hid…were all ME. I’ve had confusing thoughts and emotions when in spiritual settings, but I hid it. I’ve rejected myself since I assumed others would too. I thought I’d have to do that repeatedly if I joined others in any spiritual setting. Very, very true.

What’s going on is I’m being reminded that God is with me right now. I’m not used to resting and accepting it, especially when those same old thoughts and emotions surface (like now).

My words even feel useless.

God, I need help with this.

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#199

May 24, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
1st rest day

I just had a short convo with my ex. She works from home, and was asking how work was for me. In minutes, she reflected back to a job I’d done 20 years ago. She said I could have done well there if not for the seizures I was still experiencing.

I countered her, feeling and knowing that’s not what I ever really desired to do (it’s very boring). And an uncomfortable awareness made itself known to me.

I would normally agree with her (since it always meant peace for me), and I felt that she had always been in control. I allowed that since I had little belief in myself.

And… I felt uncomfortable suddenly. I have new tools and abilities to make decisions for myself, and while being around her, I habitually looked for her to …take over. Old habits.

I felt uncomfortable suddenly since I had to make decisions for me. I had to parent me–and I’ve felt incapable for so long. I realized I can do this now, and I felt that collision in my head.

I’ll be thinking about this today. Leaving now to go hiking with my daughter.

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#200

May 24, 2022 (cont.)

Had a good, long walk with my daughter. I opened up a couple of times, sharing and asking questions about things I realized I really didn’t know.

For example, 2 times while walking down our mountain, I stopped. I had some awarenesses pop up, and I shared them with her easily. I’ve cried both of those times today realizing I have changed while doing Stage 1 of DR, and I let it go. I’d cry for a few seconds, admit what saddened me, and move on.

Even she said it can be therapeutic walking in the forests. Indeed, it was.

#201

May 24, 2022 (cont.)

I was in the kitchen with my daughter and ex, and I told my daughter I wanted to watch a musical with her. Any musical. She instantly piped up, telling her Amazon Echo to play a track from a musical. I’d never heard it before, but she was dancing and singing with it, all in perfect rhyme and rhythm.

Something very unexpected happened while watching her and wishing to know her freedom and joy.

I simply allowed myself to feel it. I had NO idea I had barred that in my life. No idea at all.

While she danced, I quickly looked at things I have been worrying about to see if this affected other areas of my life. As each one popped up, I realized BIG differences.

Finances: No worry
Freedom to grow and live free: No worry
Being myself: No worry
Liking myself: No worries at all

I’ve not allowed myself to feel joy and live free. And I realized this is really possible! I’m still on Stage 1, and this came at the 11th hour. Simply amazing!

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#202

May 25, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd rest day

I just got off the Kahn discussion page, and my mind woke up some. I’ll share this in context of me being at the tail end of Stage 1, moving onto Stage 2 in a week. Some major changes will happen on Stage 2, and I’ve been looking forward to it.

While reading about the Kahn mindset and experiences, I noticed instantly that that’s why I’ve been stalled in financial gains. I’m actually seeing this lack of confidence in myself, spreading outward. I have a small step left to move things forward, but I’ve had no confidence. I’ve kept resorting to looking for others to be my strength, and I can only be grateful for my miner’s patience with me.

I remember being dominant on various alpha subs here. I also remember and feel (now) the inner beliefs and fears which pulled me off of them. Ascension was the only one I never had major mental conflicts on. Emperor? Yes. Kahn? I didn’t have a rough time on stage 1 myself.

I’m gonna go read some of my Kahn journal

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#204

May 25, 2022 (cont.)

I got my response from support this morning, and it was suggested to go ahead and do my washout as scheduled. So I’ll start my 3-day washout tomorrow. But my real reason for following them showed up yesterday.

Yesterday I went hiking with my daughter on a trail we’d never been on. I’d learned while driving with her hours earlier that she knows where to go once she arrives. Street names? No. Just a subtle picture memory of where to go next. We were heading back to the trail start after walking for 2 hours without water, so I was slightly off mentally. We were going to pass this turnoff from the trail, and she said “that’s our path”. I thought it wrong and bantered with her some, and that inner reminder that I’m lacking trust showed up in my gut. She’d not missed anything the entire day, so I chose to follow her lead. It was the right trail. I took it as the most gentle correction that my fear and ego may not always be helping me.

For this reason, I’m going to follow their suggestion. I don’t know what I don’t know.

#205

May 26, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
1st day of 3 day washout

@Saiyan4Blue posted this last month, and it made a lot of sense since I realized I’ve been in recon but hadn’t recognized it. This has been showing via slight headaches, not overwhelming, but consistently present. Headaches have never been a form of recon for me, so I thought.

This is such a contrast to commonly held beliefs about recon. To summarize, he says recon needs to be embraced vs. pushing it away. I realize stuff’s still processing since I’m in washout, so this applies to me right now.

It seriously stops my whining, and it pulls from wisdom. I desire to make it to the other side, and the message is “Go through the sludge to see the other side. Dig in deep, and you’ll be very pleasantly surprised”.

#206

May 27, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd day of 3-day washout

I hesitated writing since it seems DR is still finding roots of me people pleasing. I think somewhat fluently, then feel fear of people saying or doing things in a mean way, and it has so often steered my writing.

Which is strange considering I come here in large part to be social.

So, where I am is I’m feeling much less emotional pain this morning, but it’s just enough where I’m desiring…to “not be here”. Living in imaginary worlds has always been my outlet, so I’ll jump off here since the kids are running around downstairs. They’re fun

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#207

May 27, 2022 (cont.)

I’m in that healing middle-ground. I was just downstairs for a bit with everybody, and the only one who’s uncomfortable to be around is my ex. She blew me off when I showed her a picture of my daughter, and seems to be hanging on fiercely to control her emotional world (I may be projecting…) And I picked up that when I’m near, I throw off her “norm”. Her reaction was and is to double up on busyness, speak louder to everybody, and grab for more control. I got out of the room quietly since it was triggering feelings of rejection in me.

I mentioned a healing middle-ground since I’m actively aware that I could make it all about me and feel sorry for myself, or I could leave the shitstorm, take responsibility for me and my world, accept she’s in her usual “shoot, ready, aim” lifestyle, and expect nothing of her.

That last sentence is what DR’s been doing: showing me the choices I have. For one, the feeling of rejection hasn’t stuck on me like it has in years past. I’ve usually begun some mental scenario of acting out my pain. I saw that choice, but stayed in the present. I’ll likely be torn between the two mindsets today, but at least I have a choice. Awesome :slight_smile:

I wrote this not being in some fantasy mindset. Sweet.

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#208

May 27, 2022 (cont.)

Tension: gone

I’d gone downstairs to get some coffee and began chatting with my daughter. My ex entered, and I asked if there was anything she needed help with since she’d been prepping for tomorrow’s party here. Nothing needed at that moment, and I hung around, hoping to heal something if possible.

I even looked at my old mindset here in times past. I’ve exited quickly before, mostly in unspoken resentment. I just realized I had a choice to make different choices, so I stayed.

Moments later, my ex asked for help since she was folding towels. I stayed and talked with her about tomorrow, even asking how she felt. Her daughter leaving for college soon is a major change and challenge for her as well, and I opened myself to be sensitive to her. She shared nothing major, but I picked up from her expression that she’d been avoiding this herself. I didn’t linger much after that, but the stress was gone. I’d also conveyed that I understood and cared about the big picture she was facing.

So, I can basically create problems, or I can create safe places. People in this house (all of us) need to know we can relax and feel safe. That’s something I’d want to remember 10 or 20 years from now.

DR is good stuff. Being able to rewrite one’s normal history in the moment is priceless.

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#209

May 27, 2022 (cont.)

I just had a unique experience. My daughter’s got a dog she got since her anxiety had peaked a few years back, and he was a companion for her.

Well, I’ve felt kind of raw today (2nd day of washout) but have had few stressors. Presently I’m home alone. Just had some ice cream to soften recon (of course that’s the reason)

Well, recon related, I was walking back from the kitchen, and her dog is snuggling on his own chair. He was staring at me, and I allowed my feelings to surface. My first impulse was…anger. An anger stemming from pain. I continued looking in his eyes while I began scratching his ears, and I felt it.

I was scared. I even said out loud to the dog “what are we afraid of?”, as if he knew the answer.

(it was weird, but I felt detached. It was like me, the me I imagined, and the dog were all in on some private discussion. But this dreamy detachment felt natural due to the pain I was feeling in that moment).

I felt he was peering into my soul. Though he’s a dog, I took it as a person seeking to know who I am. I’ve cut almost everyone else out of my life by avoiding them–and that wanting to know me. His persistent stare made me mad since I took it as him insisting I share who I was. Since I’ve been hanging on to some hope today, I began daydreaming of going through what was needed–and actually finding freedom from these pain-making chains.

The good and bad of this is I’m 2 days away from starting stage 2, the healing stage. I have no idea what to expect, but I have hopes of relief. And strangely enough, I’m not desiring a hushing down of my past and present pain. I’d like something true, something real. I’d like to find true freedom in my world.

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