May 6, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
1st rest day
I realized something about myself after an altercation yesterday. I wrote everything below last night, but was afraid to disclose it since it’s not healthy in any way. However, this morning I did feel healthier than yesterday. This mentality might be connected to why and how I’ve been going in circles in life, as it’s all about my expectations of others to make me happy. Still uncomfortable airing this, but here it is.
Yesterday’s writing:
I discovered today that I’ve felt entitled–to many things. I had an altercation with a lazy-ass worker (his 4th year here), and I broke my norm of not reacting.
Days back I’d wondered if I was anything like a recent entitled poster here at SC, and I was able to dismiss it. But today, when our disagreement happened, I knew I was mad “because he should know better!” I felt it was his responsibility to comply with my wishes. My expectations were quite obvious.
I also realized how much anger I’ve not let out to him, which is why I allowed mine to surface. I threw some objects in my anger (not at him), so it put me in the spotlight with the bosses.
I was disgusted with this worker’s entitled mentality, and I easily introspected on it. His blatant attitude highlighted my own hidden one. That pissed me off.
I feel entitled to:
People being nice to me when I’m (usually?) nice to them
People being nicer to me when I goof–or being nicer to me when I slack
…ummm…people not getting angry at me. Expecting that they should be my emotional caretakers
And here at SC, I’ve expected these exact same things. I’ve felt entitled to people treating me this way. I’ve used pity and a tone that I’m helpless to coax caretaking. As I’ve written this last 10 minutes, I’ve pushed away a major thing I’ve believed: I just felt it was my right to expect that. Damn.
I’ve even held this hidden expectation towards Saint since “he could/should…”. I knew my hopes would never be filled, but these have my highest unhealthy hopes. These expectations strangle every possible relationship.
And none of this makes me feel good. I feel like I’m lying to and deceiving people, myself included. I’m constantly trying to “trick” people into giving me my drug. (my ill-natured understanding of love)
I’m done. That’s the emotional poison I’ve been using all this time.
Edit: About an hour after the altercation went down, I felt something rising up inside me. I thought it was the sense of power as stated in the sales page for Courage Reclaimed. It kept me very physically active and motivated to consider different things in the future. Something was active upstairs.