SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Feb. 23, 2022

I listened to DR ZP St1 yesterday morning. I’d been on Stark just over a week until I realized I had both desire and need to complete DR and make major changes in my inner life.

I felt that one 15 minute run show up a couple of times. First, 30 minutes later, while showering, I began crying, and I knew it was working already. I did some heavy crying early on when I did v.1 of St.1 upon release. Then, while working with a coworker, he brought up something which hit me, I replied, and I broke down while talking for a few seconds. I almost tucked it back in, but fear wasn’t running me then. I allowed it, and I explained where my mind was at. I have no regrets. It actually helped this guy relax some since I wasn’t pretending.

I took a nap during lunch, and I woke up with a peace I wanted to hang on to. I am looking for that. It was a peace with myself. No grudges. No unforgiveness. No expectations. Just peace.

I’ll do 2 rest days for sure with this powerful sub. This is my first rest day.

I’m writing mostly since I was speaking with a new guy yesterday, and one of us brought up writing stuff down. He is an older man with wisdom, and he said one should dump their thoughts every day to remain healthy. I used to do that, and I know it’s been true in times past. I’ll allow DR to work through these fears that have grown in me, but no, I’ll just do it. DR is working already.

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#2

Congratulations! You will be pleased with the results of this.

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#3

Thanks @COWolfe. I know you’ve wanted me to continue DR for a while. I truly appreciate your support, no doubt about that.

#4

I’m writing, and I realized while writing those words, that I’m sharing this with myself. I hide a lot from myself and my own thoughts, so I’m going to dump some now.

Nothing major happened like tears or major fears, but I had some thoughts rise up less than 10 minutes ago. I’d arrived home on my scooter, and it’s my main and only transportation currently. Well, my landlord lady was pulling out to leave, I waved, and I began listening to her voice in my head. She insists I get a car, since it’s her standard. Mind you, I’ve created all this drama in my head, meaning I’ve argued with her in my head (or not–I’ve been passive too when she’s all worked up at times). But I created this drama. All my own. Yeah, DR’s working.

Well, I imagined me telling her the 6 or 7 years in my 20’s when I drove my motorcycle everywhere since it was my only vehicle. I rode in rain, in cold, in any weather. I just adjusted my outerwear. I felt safe on my bike.

But I’d not thought of one place I stayed during that time until 10 minutes ago. Early 90’s. I was single, working, taking college classes. In short, I created an identity on it.

And that’s what St.1 seems to be shaking right now: my identity.

I’ve tried to create one here in the forum. What I see now is me looking at everyone else for my standard. I’ve not been looking inside. And using DR, it’s like a mirror, looking into my soul. The real me.

I’ll state a feeling I just felt when I try to match others: “not good enough”. That feeling has been normal for me for quite a while. I don’t want to stay there–and I’ve held on to it since it keeps people distant from my truth. It’s been familiar, yet uncomfortable. Why do I not feel good enough?

Why am I using my uglies to keep people away?

Those questions are for me. I don’t want to pretend.

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Main Disc. Thread - Dragon Reborn ZP
#5

My thoughts are flowing.

Why do I keep people away? I greatly fear rejection. @aaa’s meme in the DR thread caught my attention since I’m living that way. There’s a root there for me.

Evidence of that is me imagining ending this post so my thoughts can bloom then. This is me showing you “the me I want you to see”. In other words, hiding behind some made-up identity. That’s not the real me.

But I am seeing and feeling this. I sacrifice truth for safety quite often. Daily even.

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#6

Feb. 24, 2022

2nd rest day

Something wiggled up in my mind while checking posts here just now. It’s my base and why I’m here writing to a male audience.

I’m still seeking the old relationship I had with my middle brother. I was closest to him growing up. He was my rock. I still yearn for that every day, and I dampen it daily with coffee, distractions, porn, sweets…ANYTHING.

I’ve been aware of it mentally at times, but a lot more came this morning since I was searching for that sliver of peace I woke up with. I was paying attention to my emotions, having not left my bed yet.

I have old fear rising now–plus hope–since my mind’s still seeking, still hoping.

That’s my emotional reason for being at SC. I’ve been searching for a brother replacement since that time he left 38 years ago. That’s the main reason I’m on DR. That’s what I carry around everywhere I go.

It’s why I’ve started and stopped some subs. I hoped, hoped, and hoped, finally realizing my “back door” approach wasn’t working. You know, like “maybe I’ll find it if I go here”. That has always been a strong pull onto subs, or potential subs. I think of considering Khan lately, and my biggest “no” was thinking I’d use power to bs myself that I was bigger, better than him, kicking him out by judgments and anger. Been there. Done that. BSing myself hurts me the most. I’m unsure how I’ll change. I’m willing to try though.

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#7

I’d like to share something which I’ve been thinking of off and on for days. Some truth lies in it.

About 4 years back, I read this fictional novel, which is not my norm. But I loved it. I even bought copies for 2 friends for Christmas, which I’d never done.

About 2 or 3 months back, I decided to read it again. And you know what? I had remembered and recalled the ending wrongly when speaking to others. I even slowed down, looking feverishly for what I thought had happened. But … it didn’t. WHAT???

I’d made up a story which made sense, but wasn’t what actually happened. I’ve wondered how many other things in life I’ve twisted and warped to make sense to me.

I’ve been wondering about that a lot. My questions raise more questions.

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#8

Feb. 25, 2022
Listening now

I’m feeling a bit insecure, afraid, and this started last night. I think it’s hitting a comfort zone.

I started using DR to free myself of old burdens, and it’s likely doing that. I am uncomfortable–but it’s not something I’ve orchestrated myself. I read posts last night and was reminded how I am the one initiating my own pain setups most of the time, as I get something out of it. I began writing last night, and I was being HARD on myself as I began admitting it. I’m able to see and accept that I am doing this.

Old feelings of feeling sorry for myself emerged, I wanted to ask for help, but I felt quite angry at myself since I felt not in control. I’ve known and seen control attempts when under pressure, and that makes sense thinking of last night. DR was showing me my practiced beliefs and behaviors.

Loop’s finished.

I know why I was hard on myself last night. I wanted to come here and cry like a baby, seeking help from a brother figure. That’s my old normal. I go there first. I was seeing it objectively, and I wanted to write about it last night. I also knew I wanted to manipulate others by writing about it, so I stopped.

It’s not been eradicated. I’m just aware of it.

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#9

A smile sits on my face.

I am preparing to leave, but I’m pushing past the tendency to hold back and slow down–so I can arrive last minute–to keep me feeling helpless over my life.

I’m getting out of here!

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#10

Feb. 26, 2022
First rest day

I’m changing. Making small choices, effecting huge choices. I’m home tonight, after feeling good about my day today. I am feeling good right now.

One thing, and I’m unsure how to admit it to myself. I’m missing some love in my life. I’ve been reacting so long, where my focus has been glued to what I’ve reacted to. I’m realizing this void inside of me. And I’m being more caring towards myself while seeing this.

I just finished a movie about love and relationships. My life feels too small for comfort. That void speaks of loving relationships I’m not fostering presently.

Something new is happening.

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#11

Feb. 26, 2022
2nd rest day

I’m still feeling drawn towards relationships this morning. I’ve been listening to female voices in The Greatest Showman on Pandora, and I’m gleaning and feeling good about DR’s masculinity scripting in it. Saint mentioned this in a ZP discussion thread a month back or so, and it draws me in and makes me feel confident in moving towards relationships. That confidence is something I’ve always lacked, being raised by my mother alone.

I’ve gotten some masculinity building on Ascension, but Emperor brought me out of myself more. But what I’m feeling now is my core being touched, not relying on outward manifestations. I feel like my inner man is being built up and fortified. Confidence now doesn’t feel like a result. I feel like confidence is part of this building. It feels like “I am confidence”.vs. me seeking it out. Nice :blush:

I did experience some level of confidence when I did St1 of DR when the original build was released. I spent time around my sister then, and she definitely reacted to me. She even shared she likes it when men take confident control–and this surprised me since she’s normally playing that “b***** with a d***” role, which has kept me distant. I just tested myself by being around her, and her reaction spoke volumes.

And Wow. I’ve had this noticeable grudge in my heart for months towards her. I’ve leaned on it every time I’ve considered calling or seeing her. My wow is that…I’m thinking of reaching out to her without those same inner barriers. Part of me is like “really??”

That’s a major change for me.

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#12

I’ll add this too. I thought about a bookstore I visited almost a year back to be around women more. I’ve only thought of this when on certain subs in the past.

And part of me is questioning this since bookstores or libraries aren’t normally social places. …and I’m questioning that. I visited a bookstore with my daughter months back up in Kentucky, and I clearly remember seeing glances and open body language from women, even to where I had to keep my head in a book since my daughter was with me. So, not really valid.

Part of me is trying to do my normal. I’ll get out today. Taking some action always discounts my fears.

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#13

Feb. 28, 2022
St.1
Listening now

I decided to stack Sanguine with DR this morning after @GoldenTiger spoke up about it in a thread on recon. I also remember @COWolfe advising me to add it to DR since he had it in his DR Emperor customs. So, I’m running it now, before DR.

Have I had recon? Not much at all. But something’s on my mind.

I’ve taken care of myself this weekend. I didn’t push myself all yesterday. I didn’t even do laundry. I’m listening to Sanguine, so why am I feeling sad?

I did challenge myself yesterday, looking into an online business I can jump in to. I’ve not admitted it here, but I’ve been facing my old stance of doing nothing in business, literally. I’ve been around businesses, watched them closely…but jumping in, no. I am seriously holding on to old beliefs telling me no. I guess I’m heading towards a major change, as it saddens me.

Wow. Memories just popped up, showing me a root of this. Nothing traumatic.

I was around 10 years old. We were poor, living on welfare, a norm. I still carry that strong feeling of needing to stick with my family–meaning doing nothing to move out of poverty–since I’d still have my family’s love and support. That was my family standard–living in poverty.

I’ve faced this in recent years, but pulled towards investments doing ALL the work. I could then play with money–still holding on to beliefs that I’m not worthy of it. And…I’ve lived that out. Literally. I was just never active in attaining it. Someone else (labelled in my head “the bad guys”) would be acquiring it.

I called it safe. But feeling like shit due to having money brings no satisfaction or happiness.

Feeling some sadness. My DR loop’s almost finished. And I’ve felt this in the last week, that connection between money and family memories while using DR. I’m grateful this is being touched. I’m not on EOG, Mogul, or any money subs currently. But DR is digging into real things affecting my life.

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#14

I had some real fatigue today. It concerned me since I thought my adrenals were weakening, but I’m forgetting about that honeymoon fatigue. Me focusing on this via writing is helping me to see this.

DR is working, shown by me having the will, but not the capability, to kick my own ass when I left work earlier than I normally do. I’ve done some damage on myself when leaving early before. Sometimes it’s just when I’m leaving. Note: this ties to me feeling responsible for other’s happiness. I noticed this.

It felt and feels welcoming and much more self-loving than I normally am. Specifically, I didn’t feel GREAT…but I didn’t feel and even think I was fodder.

I took that small gift. It gives me hope.

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#15

March 1, 2022
St1
1st rest day

I ran AC last night. I didn’t see what I desired initially, but then I remembered and knew what I wanted.

I felt this yesterday and even the day before, running DR solo. I had feelings of being able to protect and stand up for myself. As a man, it’s inherent. My training, however, was to be accomodating to others instead of standing up for myself.

And while writing that, a strong feeling of courage rose up in me. Is it AC or DR? I have no care where it’s coming from. It’s not the “f off!” thinking like with a solo alpha title. It’s just a very strong feeling of me standing up for me.

This feeling came on when I was about to leave work yesterday. I walk through the shop numerous times during the day, and I often feel small, young, and desiring a “big brother” figure. I often act kiddish around the mechanics, but this strength was growing in me. Instead of “you can do this for me”, it was “I can”, and it’s not my norm at all. This self-protection is big since I can easily dismiss my own boundaries just to be liked by another.

And dang, it just rose up in me again while circulating around my old ways. DR? AC? Maybe BOTH. This healthy self-protection is what I’m desiring and seeking out.

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#16

Question, have you tried training in, like, BJJ or some other martial art where you get to really go at it with other live, resisting people?
Really might help you with having that sense that you can protect yourself.

#17

I haven’t done martial arts since I was 17. And I clearly remember some self-confidence boosting in me.

However, the self-protection I’m speaking of is internal. I believe I’m slowly beginning to see my thinking, and it’s something like “It’s not good if I protect/stand up/defend myself”. I can kind of tell it’s trauma-related, but I’m unsure. It’s like I’m “not allowed” or I’m not supposed to. Embarrassing as hell admitting that.

I’m speaking of protecting that part of me within. Though I don’t easily connect with this terminology, it’s my inner child.

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#18

You might be surprised at how knowing you have the ability to protect yourself on a primal, physical level translates to being more able to protect yourself on the social, mental, and emotional levels.
At least that’s how it works for me.

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#19

Wow. I’ve been searching for what’s happening in my mind during this discussion.

Man, even in finances I’m unwilling to stand up for myself boldly. (I’ve been chatting with a finance guy on Telegram while writing this) Some (primitive?) fear hangs on, warning me to not make waves, not possibly make others angry, not…override someone else’s authority–disrespect the one in authority. I hang on to some very old belief that I’ll be hurt if I defy the (brother–not father) who I’ve fully trusted to protect me.

That belief controls me. It’s why I cower to peers (brother figures) but feel emboldened when a fatherly figure is in my corner. I’ve done that my entire life.

The more I write, the more I’m becoming aware of how very much I’ve dismissed and negated my understandings and beliefs of how I truly felt about the power dynamics in me and my brother’s relationship.

In short, I believed “if I have no power, I’ll be safe” And I’ve grown fearful of using my power much. My personal power.

For years, I’ve been wondering if an assertiveness class would help. Mostly women take them, so…

Yes, I’ve considered one. I need a voice

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#20

You can find it bro, you will.

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