SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#141

I had to check myself on this truth. DR has really been stirring my thoughts and emotions, for my good.

ummmmm… I’m just realizing I’ve been trying to hold on to old survival habits–which is mainly avoiding thoughts of my past. The lack of overwhelm is because DR seems to frame old memories like there’s something good in there, making me want to explore. Some remembrances may be painful, but I’ve found it very minimal compared to what my eyes and heart are being opened to see. It’s like I’m looking for keys to a chest filled with valuables, and one popped up today.

Those valuables are parts of me I’ve disowned.

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#142

April 27, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
2nd rest day

I seriously pulled myself back from posting this, as its root caused me some pain today.

I got in a mindset at work where I was trying to earn love. The pain was from being corrected privately on it–I feared I lost love and acceptance from someone I (or the little boy in me) have tried to be … loveable…around.

I thought of something after this imagined rejection. I was anxious, causing me to seek confirmation that I was loved. What I realized after the fact is …am I bound to dismiss others’ blatant acceptance of me, thus keeping me anxious and desparate to secure it? Even when it’s already been given? Probably so. My belief systems direct me, and even from a distance, I can tell my running beliefs are “I’m not loveable”.

That’s what’s on my mind. Like life made a target of my soft spot, and hit it.

Lastly, I feared sharing that since my motive with coworkers today was “hide what you’re really seeking from others (which is love), but do anything to gain it”. It is deception. I felt terrified to do that here as well, since lying once demands more lying to keep the truth hidden. ummm…that’s how I’ve lived my life since I was a boy. I was so aware of this today.

I’m still anxious. And sad. This pain is recycling in my mind.

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#143

April 28, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
Listening to DR custom and Elixir

Having trouble sleeping, so I’m listening now.

Something came to me, and I’m having trouble writing about it (actually, taking responsibility for it).

Yesterday, I wanted anyone’s and everyone’s love. I felt scared and desperate. What came to me was “I can love myself”. This is embarrassing to admit, but that’s not how I’ve lived my whole life. I’ve put it in other people’s hands–since it worked when younger. As I’ve gone on with DR, I’ve considered how arrogant and demanding that is on others. I’m serious. I put myself in this “I might not get what I want, and I’m leaning on everyone besides me”. Yeah, it sounds more arrogant as I go on. Even entitled.

I think I’m trying to relive some experience I had when younger. I am. Well, the young kid’s been doing that, and I’ve allowed it. Acting, talking, and feeling immature has had its benefits (it worked well teaching kids for 10 years), but it’s not something I can be proud of as I grow. This mentality is not meant for growth. It’s like it was made to park somewhere and not change.

In contrast, DR has this masculinity scripting, and it’s egging me on to saddle up to my responsibilities. I’m reminded of Ascension since it is the same message. And kicking the shitty thinking out of the way helps me feel confident moving forward.

As I wrote this out, it was much less hypothetical. I’m feeling that masculinity, power, and confidence now. DR is definitely on the move.

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#144

April 30, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
I listened to my DR custom and Elixir last night. I considered Emperor vs. Elixir, then Ascension…but chose to use Elixir. I was a mess of feelings and didn’t want to self-sabotage what was happening.

Where am I now? What’s happening to me?

I’m close to a breakthrough. I don’t think I’ve been eyeing that specifically. But changes are pushing through, which makes me write.

It’s been a battle these last few days since DR keeps showing me how I’ll normally hide from being responsible…for my feelings, from choices I’m making day by day, all of it. It’s this new belief that’s exciting, terrifying, and…inconvenient. Like I’d normally shirk this stuff. And now the masculinity scripting is encouraging me to own my shit, act like a responsible man, and live like a responsible human being.

This would normally be stuff I’d use a mask for around others. I’d pretend this stuff. But not lately. It takes TOO much work to look for the “easy” way out (it’s a royal mind fuck to lie to myself).

Where I’m heading towards (uncomfortably at times) is that life doesn’t have to be so hard. It ain’t easy. But dodging and diving from personal responsibilities is a game I’ve never won much from. Part of me is still trying to fight.

There seems to be some connection to me submitting to this. Like…trusting it. More like trusting myself. That would be a major change in me when I allow this.

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#145

April 30, 2022 (cont.)

Oww. Wow. Real life.

Got an email from the female miner I’ve known for a few years now. She was very sweet and endearing. And what came up in me is uncomfortable, for me.

I’m so used to seeing women like I’m a spoiled kid. Like I just want to throw MY responsibilities on them…WHAT?? Like they’re shit soaker-uppers. That’s not a relationship. That’s relational tyranny.

Wow–this thought just came up–that I could love myself. When I’ve done that, women are really attracted to me relationally. I’m just seeing that when I read that email this morning, the spoiled kid in me wanted to run the show–so I didn’t reply. It’s this same thinking that keeps me from dating. Since I know that thinking brings pain on everybody. I’ve not wanted to act like or be that person.

That’s also my “owww” since I don’t know how to grow a healthy relationship yet. Not today. I’ve just been afraid to.

Emotions rising tell me I’m feeling that push to trust myself once again.

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#146

Yesterday, I wanted anyone’s and everyone’s love. I felt scared and desperate. What came to me was “I can love myself”.

That is a promising development my man. And you will eventually love yourself so hard it is obvious to anyone.

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#147

I’m so damn soft this morning @Michel. I began weeping loudly as soon as I read your reply.

Gotta be at work in 45 minutes. Thank god I’m running solo today.

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#148

April 30, 2022 (cont.)

I’m very emotional now. Just watched a movie about an abused girl healing with a horse, and truths started coming up in my mind. I cried most of the movie. I’ve hidden this from myself hard for decades, and DR is allowing it to surface.

I’ve felt so responsible for my mom’s actions and attitudes towards me. Guilt is one thing I’ve felt constantly–and my addictive behaviors are all about making it go away. My dive into spirituality and religion were all aimed at freeing myself from this. I found some good there–but the deep guilt’s remained.

I wanted to be loved by my mom, I thought I failed, and damn damn damn, I’d make it up if I could. Like there’s a part of me that feels tainted. Marked. Guilty. I always thought it was my fault. I still believe that.

I wish I could be free of this. And me living in a fantasy world most of my life is due to that persistent guilt and self-blame. I was trying to hide from it. Will I ever be free from this?

A realization: This is my PTSD.

5 Likes
#149

May 1, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
2nd rest day

I just sent a ticket to support. I just needed to be honest with someone. So,…I’ll paste it here. Something tells me I should.

Start of ticket

I have been on DR Stage 1, a custom with Chosen in it, for the last month. I started the store version of Stage 1 on February 23. I’ve been planning to do all stages for 3 months, totaling a year. I’ve stacked it with Elixir the last few weeks.

I got into fantasy thinking this morning, hiding out, mentally preparing to do some errands. This was a reaction to remembrances of last night. A core issue came up last night, and I journaled about it openly. It was about old guilt I’ve avoided all my life. It surfaced while watching a movie that pushed for and encouraged emotional honesty while healing.

So, yeah, I’m telling on myself. I got on my PC specifically to turn on Emperor–to make me feel competent and also make me feel desirable. And while writing (now), my vulnerability is coming up. I’ve not turned on Emperor or anything else.

I’ve always sought easier ways to handle emotions since actually feeling them reminded me of old childhood beliefs of me failing again. I’ve been wary (for decades) to touch my emotional roots. I am now, unexpectedly.

I know I’m writing also since running Emperor vs. DR and Elixir is the easy way. It’s full-on avoidance. Which is how my family lived. Which is how I’ve lived. Hiding from my pain has been my main MO in life.

I really don’t need sub assistance here. I just needed to be honest with someone.

And tears came with that last sentence. This pain sucks. I’ve just not had the courage to face it.

End of ticket

1 Like
#150

May 1, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
Oops. Belated washout needed

I thought my first day of this cycle was April 12, but no, it was the 7th. I did one extra listening 2 days ago and am starting my 3-day washout tomorrow. I couldn’t sleep and I knew I was going to share this tomorrow, but am making the most of this now.

I started this reply while out doing laundry today. I was reading the DR objectives, and damn, I’m seeing those changes. The biggest one has been showing up in my mind, and something bumped my thoughts, prompting me look this up in the objectives. I’m talking about letting go of other people’s limitations they’ve placed on you. Seriously, I’ve faced it while writing here, or even if I browse the forum. I’ll imagine someone discounting or looking down on something I’ve written, and the ensuing mask-wearing emerges. Even imagining this feels like old defeats I’ve endured. It’s why I’ve backed off of socializing much here since this has been my unhappy thinking.

But what bumped my thoughts was this “F*** NO!” that stirred my belly. It came like this:

My daughter graduates high school this month, and I’m already set to go up there for a week (out of state). However, the only thing that’s bothered me is that my old in-laws will be in the same house. I got pissed today since I’ve cowered to their obvious judgements time and time again. In essence, I put my worth in their hands, and they gave shit back. I’ve always felt alone when around them since their judgements said I wasn’t worth much. Feeling much younger and powerless then, I only accepted it, giving back passive insults somewhat consistently. I was afraid of the confrontation. And ugghhh, I was afraid of the emotional abandonment (and had already received that). --I was really afraid of my own memories of abandonment when around them since they mirrored how I grew up!

I’ve spent all my life avoiding people like this, and something is changing in me. I’m having trouble being articulate now since DR is still working on this old root.

And the second change I’m seeing a LOT lately is an intolerance to people trying to diss me at work. I’ve allowed it for years, and anger is growing in me. I’ve not been all reactive. Instead, I’ll feel the anger, but mindfully challenge the crap they’re spewing. As in, I’m gonna stare you down and question your bullshit, giving you a taste of my anger. I’ve definitely imagined ripping up a guy verbally, but there’s no gain in that really.

Edit: Going along with both of these changes is something new in my experience. I shared my support ticked above this post, how I was considering running Emperor today. While in bed tonight, I decided I was going to run Emperor with DR tomorrow (before realizing I needed to do a washout). The core issue in why I’ve not done this so far is I didn’t think I was worth this change. It linked with allowing people to determine my worth, and allowing their judgements to be mine.

Something in me is intolerant of this. I’m tired of believing the worst choices in life are the only ones I can take. I’m seeing that now in financial decisions too, which is a huge revelation. Man, DR is doing its work in spades .

1 Like
#151

May 2, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
1st day of washout

I just replied to the female miner I’ve spoken about. I even got honest with her for a minute.

She’d messaged me yesterday, and I didn’t reply. Why? She was opening herself up, and I sensed I could go forward or retreat. Sadly, I chose to retreat…since I’ve been dishonest with myself and others in times past. I didn’t and don’t want a relationship based on lies. DR’s been working on that.

This morning I told her I was tongue-tied. She knows I’m using an emotional healing sub, and I shared it is working on old relational issues in me. I shared I used to feel ok being distant from everybody, and something is changing. Thus, I was truly tongue-tied around her.

I haven’t been searching for a relationship. I’m just paying attention to my heart signals, and something was telling me to trust it. It felt good being honest with her.

Being emotionally honest with a woman is a change I could really get used to.

2 Likes
#152

May 2, 2022 (cont.)

Afraid to be me. That’s what’s holding me back. Even now.

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#153

May 3, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
2nd day of washout

My mind’s been looping around this incident that happened yesterday, and I’m still trying to understand it since I don’t feel good. I was assigned a duty which I was originally hired for, and I did really well. Just before leaving for the day, I was in the bathroom, and the head boss came in while I was at the urinal. He said he wanted me continuing that same job tomorrow, and noone was allowed to pull me off (authoritarian style, his norm). However, I’d already gotten notice from another site that they wanted to use me the rest of the week, so I questioned him about it. True to form, he assumed I was challenging his authority, and he smashed my plans. Ok. So I’m not going off-site.

After writing that, I’m seeing something that’s been surfacing lately. I instantly assumed it was my fault he got irritated. Instantly. So, true to form, I turned submissive in order to calm him down. I used childhood survival skills to ease the fear that I’d be punished.

In my mind, I still feel guilty over childhood incidents, I brought that into that moment and was using the same tools and understandings to survive. His irritation signaled that I’d not done something right, and in my mind, I instantly began being hard on myself. I’ve been in that loop since then, associating it with major catastrophies.

This is that abuse wheel. Victims of abuse don’t think of “getting away” from abusers. They survive. Endure. Cope. Rationalize everything away. Minimize all abuses. Invite more. Assume all blame. Try to “think” it away. And continue their suffering. A fricking loop.

All motivated by guilt.

I’m not sure how to get out of this just yet. Part of me knows I can hide in it (putting them in charge and making me small). Part of me knows freedom (a smaller part). And part of me feels guilty for considering breaking out.

I need to/want to drop this. Just not succeeding. Yet.

2 Likes
#154

“The more we abuse you, the less you seem to believe we are abusing you”

Couldn’t have put it more succinct than that. The option of leaving isn’t even a possibility.

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#155

Hope remains.

I was showering, feeling and remembering the hope that I woke up with. It’s been growing in me for days–which is why I’ve been willing to dump some head trash lately.

I imagined, without fear, ignoring my boss when he’s being a dick. Many do. He tends to focus on those he can intimidate.

But my hope kicks him out. Life is more important than the backwards thinking that runs that place sometimes. He almost (almost? nah, he definitely) reminds me of my mom, using the same strategies to keep people in line: fear. Nothing more than that.

This is Chosen, the sly guy helping out, promoting hope to me, Subliminalguy, rewriting old family scripts, all of which are unsupported and unfounded. Chosen is good stuff.

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#156

It feels good to not be alone @Michel. Thank you SO much.

Even began crying thinking about it. More hope comes.

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#157

May 4, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
Last day of washout on Cycle 3

I had an encouraging coincidence this morning.

Desiring to see differences in who and how I’ve been in the past, I looked into 2 old journals of mine last night. I ended up on my old StarkQ journal, and I was using the experimental Stark Terminus.

I read one section where I tried something, and it worked. Someone had mentioned passing on listening days due to commitments occasionally, and willing the sub to activate without listening. I remember driving to work considering this, arriving, and while still in my vehicle saying out loud “show me”.

I remember suddenly feeling like I was home listening to it. My mind activated, and I felt like I was in another world, apart from habitual fears from work. It was empowering and very exciting.

Well, the little coincidence happened this morning. I woke up knowing I was looking to sabotage beliefs about success. I was fearful and looking for old ways of being. (I’m seeing this acceptance of bad self-treatment now). I also know it is my last day of washout–and I’m expecting old stuff to churn up today.

I began thinking like I did when using Stark Terminus. Like I was willing and hopeful to see results. My mood actually relaxed some. With Stark T, it was instantaneous. Today, I’m having to keep a focus on it since my mood does want to drift south since I’m tired.
I’ll remember this.

And good news came 5 minutes ago while writing. The cool boss from our other site called me, telling me I was working with them today. I only asked "did you ask the head boss (Mr. Authoritarian)? He laughed, affirming it, since he’s worked with him for years. (No, I didn’t call him that when I asked.)

Seek, and ye shall find. Knock, and the door will be opened. I’m out now.

4 Likes
#158

May 4, 2022 (cont.)

Warning. Long post.

I keep looking back, looking for something emotionally familiar. I’m feeling lost, like I’m going down a path I’m very unfamiliar with. I’m trying to express what’s on my mind–and I keep looking and hoping…I’ll be able to settle somewhere. Nothing found yet.

I even turned on a Lord of the Rings soundtrack since I often will glue myself to a mood in music. I’d wanted a Greatest Showman soundtrack–and something is coming to me now.

I’m trying to hide in my mind from this unknown and the anxiety around it. Nothing more than “I have no answers?? HIDE!!! IGNORE!! BE INVISIBLE!!” I did some of that today. Dang, I look at future possibilities with rose-colored lenses on. The problem is I KNOW IT’S FAKE! I know it’s not reality.

Dang. I am seeing I’m used to seeking someone to save me. I have Courage Reclaimed in my custom, and I specifically requested a module to deal with the victim mentality. CR’s focus is that very thing. I was in @SubliminalUser’s Resolve thread before this, and …honestly, I was looking for how he does life. “What’s he doing? What can I glean?” He said something which hit me, so I came here to share it (related to me seeking to act helpless around others).

I realized “I’m not sure I know where I want to go”. I’ve played on everyone else’s strengths all my life, not seeking my own–and I’ve carried doubt about everything lately.

Today, I was doubting I knew how to love myself. To take care of myself. I reacted by pulling back some from the driver I worked with, a really cool guy. And that’s something I want to discuss. I know in times past, when I felt down and believed I couldn’t make loving choices, I’d steer conversations into my issue, hoping someone would play my big brother. (kind of like this entire thread). Kind of slimy, yeah. But, my secret…my big secret IS “I need to follow other’s actions so I won’t hate myself more when (not if) I fail”

Those words hit me while writing. I’ve had this program in my head that “I will fail”. It’s why I’m doing manual labor now after being maybe 3 classes away from having my teaching certificate (post-bachelor’s degree). I was so terrified of rejection and abandonment since I knew I’d fail. I believed “I am a failure”.

I’m just gonna leave that.

It’s why I’ve been on Kahn, EOG, and DR so far–never making it past Stage 1 on each. I got into Stage 2 on my DR run. But my focus was constantly on other’s successes and experiences. I pulled off of DR shortly after. I was succeeding, and it wigged me out. It felt so foreign. Strange. And…dangerous? I’m leaving that since some belief feels attached to it.

I’m going to pull off this post now. Thinking of this is raising my anxiety. Cycle 4 starts tomorrow.

4 Likes
#159

I’m flattered, yet confused as to what exactly the inspiration was here. “Resolve thread?”

Also, what synchronicity! Yesterday, I discovered the “Courage Reclaimed” module for the first time while browsing the Q store for module ideas as part of a custom I’m figuring out. It really resonated with me, with how it focuses on completely removing the victim mentality/behavior as well as grabbing ahold of my inner power. It’s a good candidate for the one feel good module I may put in my custom. We’ll see.

1 Like
#160

May 5, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
Listening to my DR custom and Elixir now

Resolve journal, not thread. Mislabled. And I wasn’t obvious as to what hit me when I wrote earlier. I was in your March posts, and you shared how you felt unsure what direction you should go, or rather, if you could even succeed doing so. I connected with this, as I’ve been feeling quite similarly. Self-doubt has shown up a lot for me. This connected with Courage Reclaimed since I’ve very often hid behind me thinking I couldn’t do something and focusing on manipulating others to do some or all of it for me. (it still feels really awkward admitting this)

I’ll continue spilling what’s on my mind. Elixir is running now, and it’s focusing on something I’ve only spoken about once but is a constant worry for me: me seeing my ex and her parents the end of this month for my daughter’s graduation. What is Elixir doing? What can I do? What thinking do I need to change? What really scares me about seeing them?

Answer: playing helpless to old beliefs. Accepting these painful beliefs again and believing I’m shit. All done in some mistaken attempt to win their love. Flip. That’s how I used to act around them, and even remembering it is painful. That’s on my mind, and it came up right when Elixir started.

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