SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#121

April 15, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
Listening to DR custom and Elixir now

I looked forward to Elixir this morning, as it really helped last time. DR brought something up yesterday, and I realized it while sharing it with someone.

I had a really good day yesterday at work. I was fully there mentally and emotionally, and I even spent some time with our head boss one on one. I felt good about myself.

But coming home, I found myself heading back to old fearful habitual thinking, and I felt insecure. To summarize, I’m “on” at work, knowing I have to keep my eyes on a goal. But coming home, I can shed all ties to responsibility, even doing so with myself. So yeah, I felt insecure about choices I’d make.

When I pulled in my driveway, I saw my next door neighbor with his garage open. I waved to him, seeking a response. He ignored me. I looked again, wondering if I had missed his response, but he never gave me any notice. It triggered me, as I’d been seeking a “big brother” figure, and the little kid in me was wanting this. I relived being abandoned by my brother again.

Strangely enough, I know he’s unavailable. He’s a local cop, and since I moved in here, he’s never given me the time of day. Since I was thinking like a little kid in those moments, I felt real needy, and I was ashamed of myself. I felt rejected and began rejecting myself.

I still feel a little raw writing about it. Loops are finished. I’ll find out how Elixir will sort this today.
It was good for me to write it out.

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#122

April 17, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
2nd rest day

Ok. I came here, trying to ignore and avoid fear, and it escalated a bit right before writing. So, I’ll share about that.

I’d read JCast’s posts as of late, how he’s not following old lifelong patterns of caring about useless shit like people’s opinions about him. When I read that, a free part in me stirred since DR has been freeing parts of me in such a way that I’ve been able to conveniently ignore it.

However, even now, I realize some roots are still in place. A major one, which obviously is tied to some old trauma. It’s a major one (I’m feeling it now), as avoiding it has determined every social decision I’ve ever made. I’m remembering a high school pep rally in the gym as I sit here, me feeling vulnerable among hundreds of students, me just making do. Even thinking of my mom, the hermit hiding at home, and how I hoped she’d love me. She couldn’t love herself. I felt alone. But hiding helped, sometimes. My pain was with me whether I was alone or with others. I’ve lived much of my life avoiding the pain I’ve been in. But having it never go away determined all of my circles and friends. And goals too, if any. Goals involved people, so I’ve rejected major goals for eons to avoid inner pain and memories, literally. My belief has been if I touch the edges of my memories, I’ll feel shots of the pain, so hell no. I wasn’t going near that.

I went away from this writing for a few minutes. That old fear of pain can keep me feeling like I’m stuck in a pit, and writing of it over and over can reinforce the fears. I’m in a spot where I’m uncomfortable in this, but I’ve been fearful of making changes. That’s been my survival habit. As if I have fears of being away from this lifestyfle since I have no idea what that’ll be like.

I’m grateful DR is primarily subtle. Just feeling the edges of my past seems like enough for a day. Persistence is key. I’m trying to face some old shit, which is why I’m writing now. I’m looking for that perspective change which asks “is this worth all the attention I give it?”

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#123

My last post wasn’t planned. I just followed a feeling. And that’s not even what I came to share.

What I came to share was a change that’s been happening lately, and I’m becoming able to understand it, and thus make different choices.

I brought up JCast’s share since it’s connected. I haven’t written daily lately since my template has been little more than a small, needy kid seeking help since I’ve been scared. I’ve felt this growing disgust with not changing, not trying, and not learning from my actions and life results.
That growing disgust has been getting loud, so I’ve not done what I’ve normally done–in the same mindset, at least. As I write, I’m faced with these same habitual choices. But I’m desiring freedom. I CAN step out. I CAN make a positive choice. I CAN do differently.

A major growth point I’m at now is simple: taking active responsibility for myself. I am doing that now, one moment at a time.

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#124

I’m realizing a fear of rejection is my main emotional hangup. I took some time this last hour, reading through various forum posts, having not read through in over a week. I had familiar internal reactions when I’d consider giving my perspective, all of which I backed away from.

That’s what I usually do when fearing rejection: I disconnect. When I think of some settings (like church, school, 12 step rooms), I backed away early in the process, fearing rejection if I were honest. I put on a false smile for ages until I finally got sick of lying and feeling painful consequences. I pulled out completely when I was done with all the acting.

Isn’t there some solution? I purposely asked that since normally, I don’t. I’ve relied on others to save me all my life, using manipulating tactics of guilt and pity mostly to prompt a rescue. I’m a bit afraid to admit that–but it’s way easier being honest than putting on a smiley face twinged with helpless beliefs.

I’m obviously feeling disgusted seeing that since, when I look ahead, I know I’ve repeatedly done it and will do it again, fearing they’ll know the real me. That’s why I go in circles in life. I pretend to play the long game (in business ambitions mostly), when in truth, I’m not playing at all. Avoiding the pain of rejection has been my life’s aim.

I succeeded. I’m facing a humongous lack of gain (of anything) looking at my life.

Holy fuck. I was extremely honest. And shockingly, I don’t really feel afraid.

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#125

April 18, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
Listening to DR Custom and Elixir now

Anyone ever turned on their frequensee app and seen another unknown ultrasonic frequency showing? I did this morning. I rebooted both my phone and my PC, wondering if I’d accidentally turned a player on, but nothing changed after the reboot. I’d had my laptop on near my bed, but I’ve not found out where the source is yet. I booted up my PC this morning to play my loops, but it’d been off before that.

In Frequensee, SC’s subs show just below the 20k Hz mark, like 18k. But this was directly on the 20k Hz line, playing just above -80dB. Call me paranoid, but this concerns me. I live in a separate room from the rest of the house, but if my housemates were running subs, they’d be awfully LOUD since ii was registering over 80dB where I sit.

I’ve been trying to do a screenshot, but haven’t succeeded yet.

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#126

i checked my frequensee app and i have a signal around -80db at 20khz. The line went straight up. seems to be normal.

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#127

April 19, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
1st rest day

I’m not sure what it is @FireDragon. I’ve not checked this morning since it’d be feeding a worry. I have assumptions but no desire to dig into it right now. Trying to keep my focus.

I woke up feeling very positive and hopeful, and it came from within me. I feel good right now, so I’ll stay on using Elixir with DR to discover new things.

I had a nice experience working with a driver yesterday. He’s an ex-NYer, but his main story is he sold drugs for decades, making a ton of bad choices. He and I are on opposite sides of the spectrum experience-wise, but we both sit with some regret.

I realized I’m not really that alone. Pain is pain, whether real or imagined. Even though most of mine’s been the latter, I’m really not so unique. It helped me drop some inner defenses yesterday, and I began being honest with him. No expectations on him, but expectations on myself to share from my heart, and I did so. I’d like more experiences like this.

3 Likes
#128

April 20, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
2nd rest day

I kind of got scared just before writing. Because I just want to write, unplanned, sharing what’s on my mind. I’ve been relaxing internally in days past. Here goes.

I’m feeling kind of soft and sensitive, looking at changes that are happening. I went out after work last night to do laundry. I began talking with this one woman who was there, and I had held back since I’d made some judgments (to keep her away. My usual thinking).

I was quite delighted with the ease of conversation, as it drifted into real and personal topics quickly. I found out (she shared) that she was a very sensitive person, and my fear began dropping easily. I’d never heard a woman admit this.

What I face now is something I realized last night. I was attracted to her personality, her courage, and her openness. She was a big girl, which I’m not turned off by (my ex-wife was big), but her heart showed. Very sensitive, open, and honest.

I’m recalibrating my comfort zone presently. All or nothing (in anything, really) doesn’t work for me. I’m in a grey area, and I feel blessed. Change is underway.

2 Likes
#129

Then I went to get gas, seeing a girl I had eyed a while months back. I actually felt unconfident around her, for I’d put on a front with her months back, and I’ve not been holding these fronts up much lately.

Plus, I was still feeling relaxed from talking to the woman I wrote about above. I want a woman I can be myself around. Nice.

This also may be Depths of Love and Chosen of Venus emerging.

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#130

April 21, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
2nd rest day

I just read the new objectives for Love Bomb. I’m glad it was so clear since I desired to use it for healing purposes. It said it’s not the “easy” answer, just an aura-based attractant for others. I’d been wondering if I was missing something since I’ve been using Elixir.

But Elixir has had some profound influence lately. I’ll keep on using Elixir as my 2nd title since it’s making real changes.

Thanks for the push @Leandros :wink:

3 Likes
#131

April 21, 2022 (cont.)

Realized this evening I’d accidentally missed my loops this morning. That’s why I date my posts.

And I’ve been triggered a bit today. Even just now. I asked my miner 2-3 questions so we could move forward on a project–he replies, but doesn’t answer my questions. I told him I was pissed off all day, and my last words just now were “Fuck this”, closing down the messenger program

I also got really pissed (abnormally so) at my fucked up GPS today. I’m a mile away from my next stop, it shows me where it is, then changes suddenly when I get on the street. I screamed at it after missing my stop by a half mile.

Something’s being hit right now.

Edit: something I’m pissed at is that I’m fricken noticing me STILL seeking others to carry burdens for me. I’m feeling shame and anger since it’s been popping up slowly and even NOW, writing here feels like I’m hoping someone will come “pat my head and say everything will be alright”. Like I’m desiring to hide in the little boy mindset–and I’ve had blocks all day to that, thus the anger.

I watched a business webinar last week, and the presenter shared how “the worst thing in his life (being fired) was the best thing in his life”. He makes millions now and teaches others how to do likewise.

What is my “worst thing”?

1 Like
#132

April 22, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
Listening to DR Custom and Elixir now

I couldn’t sleep, so I’m listening now. I read some testimonials yesterday in the Insane Results thread, and some shared how they relaxed after listening to certain subs. I’m trying that now.

#133

I’m not fully aware of my worst, but in the last hour, I was easily seeing solutions and possibilities in various areas, finances mostly.

When stuff hits the fan, solutions show up. That gives me hope

1 Like
#134
#135

April 23, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
1st rest day

I’m losing that old battle to try to live up to supposed standards/expectations, and this is probably a good thing.

I haven’t wanted to write lately. Why? Because I’d look for things to draw attention, hoping for acceptance and approval. In short, I’d come here with a front on. “I’m good. I’m great!”

Doing that is the last thing I’d have confidence to do in real life, so I’ll try to skip the bullshit and be honest.

No traumas or crisis going on. I’ve actually been home all day, mostly sitting or lying in my bed, trying to relax. In fact, the sub must be processing something, as I’ve desired to know my dreams (while sleeping). However, I’ve not been tired. When I’ve looked at my dreaming thoughts, I instantly relax. In contrast, I’m desiring a financial scenario (I actually pulled a loan today for this)–but I can’t (?) relax, even though the financial move is actually happening.

Maybe…yeah. Maybe it’s because I’ve kept everyone out of my business mostly, but with childish intentions. My main motivations have been a fear of being criticized or rejected for being me, and even imagining it happening. That keeps my mouth shut when sharing who I am and what I think about.

And while writing that, I thought of a family member who rejected me. Some traumas are still being worked on.

Yeah, that’s why I’ve not written much. It’s like part of me is actively letting go of traumas while my conscious mind is trying to make the puzzle fit–and neither are finished. That’s likely why I haven’t relaxed lately.

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#136

April 25, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
Listening to my custom DR and Ascension Chamber now

I’m having a victory. It’s one I’m allowing, and it brought me to tears.

I came here this morning in an age-old mindset of just saying things that matched others’ expectations. That’s been what I’ve done my whole life. Just looking good, in line with others’ expectations, based on the hope “will you love me?” Who I was was always secondary to me not wanting to possibly lose others’ love.

And something clicked this morning. I’m not sure what. I’m just feeling different, in a very good way.

I think the tears signified a change in me, moving away from that old belief. I’m excited and emotional right now.

Holy shit. I’ve held to that standard with gritted teeth all my life, and it’s something I’ve relied on, using it to sabotage various goals I’ve had. “I couldn’t do that…” or “that’s NOT gonna happen” (said internally mostly). Money, women, friends, commitments, EVERYTHING.

My victory is me gaining some independence. Feeling like I CAN make different choices in life, independent of others’ approval—I’ve looked for others’ approval my whole life.

I think I saw it when I decided to run AC instead of Elixir this morning. I needed to feel up this morning instead of bogged in recovery stuff. That’s where my growth showed up.

It’s a good morning.

2 Likes
#137

April 26, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
First rest day

I’m writing since I want to know what’s on my mind. DR is bringing on a change, and my conscious mind is trying to avoid it–so I’m writing it out.

I just was reading a thread that’s been here a few months, and I was missing something while I read it. Something in me is crying out, not from old pain, but present pain. I was reading, and my thoughts began getting louder: “come ON. SHARE YOUR REA L THOUGHTS!” Endless fact disclosure is not what’s healed me when I’ve written. It’s part of it, but it’s definitely not everything. I’m an emotional guy, and I pick up when someone’s being genuine. I’m realizing…I keep rejecting that in myself.

What bothered me was this: I wanted someone to share what I’ve been afraid to share.

I wanted someone else to be vulnerable since I felt I couldn’t (I’ve believed that a long time). I’ve even used that as reason to hide out.

I’m uncomfortable now that I’ve aired it. The logical side of me is rationalizing what works, but the kid in me is holding on to his reigns and steering this ship. He wants to feel safe, hide out, not be known, be invisible. Just not be hurt again.

This is what’s motivating me presently.

Edit: I did listen to Elixir last night when I got home.

#138

April 26, 2022 (cont.)

I had something happen midday. I was talking to an older woman while I was delivering something. Some old feeling popped up, and I then said something that killed the feel-good of the conversation.

She’d come out in a thin gown (she’d been swimming, she told me), so I’d not seen her as a motherly figure. My mind had gotten curious–but I was shifted by her cold responses.

Here’s what happened. I’ve been feeling young mentally, and I unconsciously put her in a mother role. I was suddenly 6 years old, standing in front of my mother. My mom never gave me messages that I was loved and wanted, and with me thinking like a 6-year-old, I believed I was to be rejected, so I made an age-related comment, which killed the safety I’d brought in originally. Its intent was for her to reject me–since all moms are going to do that anyway, right? ouch.

And seconds later, I realized me fearing others’ rejection was directly tied to my mother rejecting my love constantly. That trauma has stuck with me in every single relationship of any kind I’ve ever sought out. Makes sense why I live hermit-like. Living hermit-like is painful though.

This is hard to know and accept. I’d almost pulled over while driving to share this here. I did weep some while driving after. Wept some while writing this.

DR and Elixir are moving in on my main insecurities.

2 Likes
#139

Damn, that hit me reading this. I think I have some sort of variation of this with women I date. I go for unavailable women who don’t or can’t validate me just like my childhood was.

Lol, damn. Thanks for sharing this and good job realizing all that today, quite a major insight huh!

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#140

Thank you Geoff. I’m grateful I’m not alone here.

What’s weird is I wasn’t even thinking about, looking for, or digging on anything related to this. The wound has been open since childhood, and I just acted out my beliefs of mother figures. I’ve had some shocking realizations this week. Like, suddenly seeing the obvious stuff I act out or avoid in life.

Strangely, I’m not overwhelmed by it. I’m seeing and realizing some of the very obvious truths I avoid since they’re linked to my past.

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