What have you noticed from Virtue Series: Hope? How does it differ from Sanguine?
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I don’t have that module in this sub @friday, but I do have Call of Honor and Chosen, both of which bring hope in for me. Chosen brings in a lot of hope, and it’s loudest when I’m under pressure, reminding me that life is still good. Call of Honor has been showing itself since I’ve been drawn towards being honest–like just being. No thinking about it. Just doing things which are right.
Different from Sanguine? I haven’t necessarily felt Sanguine. I may have, and labeled it as Chosen. To me, Chosen speaks to one’s identity, whereas Sanguine focuses on problem resolution. And finding my true identity involves both, so that’s why I’m unsure which is which.
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I was imagining talking to our company’s CEO and board members this afternoon, in an attempt to try to steer our company in a healthier direction.
I actually saw fruit of the “money first, people second” priority 2 different times today. After the latter time, I was talking with my driver, who had argued with a customer and even rebuked him foolishly. I asked if he knew why the customer was making his request. (I did since I’d listened to him one on one). No. He heard nothing at all. I asked him why he was even talking with anyone if he wasn’t listening to what they were saying. He seemed to not be listening to me either, stressing from having to have our truck worked on mid-day. We had been rushing all afternoon, trying to catch up.
So, me imagining this was in context, and I imagined me talking positively and keeping hope in a solution.
What’s amazing is this hope wasn’t found in a last-ditch effort. It was just there continuously. So I kept going, wondering in my imagined scenario if I was making sense, and if it was being heard. I remember trying a few unique twists to garner attention. I proudly admit my main goal–to make them think. I’ve seen myself and others give parroted responses to avoid inner change or involvement, so I took that stance and wished to provoke thought, feeling, and even personal change.
It’s a stretch, yes, but I enjoyed this imaginary scenario. I get to think, feel, and consider personal change myself, even while in my imagination!
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I don’t want to be here anymore.
2nd rest day. Avoidances have been welcomed all day. I can’t (don’t want to really) find my normal hideout. Facing some sadness.
Not sure where I’m at since normal mental hideouts seem unavailable. Like I’m walking into my darkness. Seeking to go there at the same time since sadness has always been avoided.
Avoiding people. I do not feel solid right now. Normal templates to avoid old pain seem transparent.
No structure today. I hide in structure to avoid my fears.
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I’m seeing and feeling I’ve spent my life running from the things that move me emotionally. Running from fear is normal. Something is changing in me. I’m wanting to steer towards it.
It even feels strange writing that.
2nd rest days are when ZP’s start activating heavily in me.
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April 10, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
Listening day, but considering another rest day
I think it’s Blue Skies which is finally kicking in. I’m moving towards things I’ve been afraid of and looking at them closer. No, that’s not it.
I’m moving towards major areas of fear which I’ve held to, and I’m wondering if they’re even real. Courage has been growing in me, and I’m going to allow it. I’m feeling comfortable doing a 3rd rest day today since I’m still processing. Fear is what’s pushed me before to ignore what’s happening, but since DR is still digging/mining for fears, I’ll allow it
Simple.
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The saddest moments
Always sound bittersweet
Especially when written down
To taste like poetry.
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Thank you @Lion. I value your support. Doing this alone is discouraging.
I’m getting tired of sitting in my own self-created shit. That which I’d called “me”. Just a lot of bullshit.
Being uncomfortable allows me to look for better options in life. That’s where the gold is found. I opened up an email this morning by a guy who I’ve subscribed to in the past. His blatant assertiveness scared the shit out of me in the past, but I am seeking change. His words, the call to action, along with numerous testimonials, sit with me. Damn.
I remember reaching out for help on Kahn too.
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You are on the right path, my friend 
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I’ll share this for the record. I’m not going to shame myself due to it. I just need to start being honest–with myself.
I don’t want to go out and face people. I’ve got laundry to do, only that, and going into old survival modes isn’t welcome. You know, putting on familiar masks and playing roles. Anything but being honest. Honest that I’m scared people will reject me if I don’t have some facade face on.
I’m also not helpless to that thinking. But when I listened to the scared kid in me, staying in safer settings (home) was undisputed.
I have an old belief that I don’t know how to handle rejection. The child inside feels and believes he’s helpless. Though it’s painful, I’ve seemed to attract it lately. I think it was @Leandros who shared how he was attracting shit treatment by others, and I felt weak yesterday working with a man in his young 20’s. He made some remarks during our shift—damn—that told me I was looking to be disrespected. Like, it’s familiar. He didn’t say that directly. It’s one of those childhood beliefs that “you treat me like shit, but I’m familiar with it. Keep doing it because I won’t tell you to stop”. Being clinical, it’s connected to my own childhood. An older brother being bothered by my emotional wimpering, so he disrespected me. (this makes no sense, but the one calling the shots in my head has the maturity of a 7 year old. Life was black or white, all right or mostly all wrong)
I’m afraid to admit it, but the little boy in me is scared shitless, reliving his trauma in present circumstances. This is leading me right and left, anywhere to avoid trauma.
Why am I wondering if he’s actually trying to heal that memory? Maybe…because facing it brings me to instant fear. I never had help healing it. Denial was the norm, with fear as a motivation to not touch it. What if…I could face it? How would I respond? I imagine I’d have one of those loud, groaning, crying spells to release it.
Something’s being worked on. I just wish I had some tangible support. (I’d cried wolf before, so this may need to be completely unplanned and unexpected). Here’s to hanging on to hope for today. Gotta do laundry now. Frick!
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Hey buddy.
Do you listen to the Elixir?
If not than include it fast into your DR run.
The Elixir is like a Surgeon with a toolbox full of scalpels, hammers, scissors, magnifying Glasses and many many other instruments to grab this little fear and then remove it precisely from your system.
Do yourself a favor and include it in your stack.
Hang on buddy, it’s a tough journey, you are brave and soon you are powerful enough to handle your problems like it’s children’s play.
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April 11, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
First rest day
Thanks man. I was sitting here wondering how I could fit it in, and I realized I could alternate LB with Elixir (only 2 programs a listening day, every 3 days). @James used to sing praises for Elixir too, and I used it with DR in Qv2. So thanks for the reminder.
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Yes it’s the perfect weapon in your arsenal.
Let’s go
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I did something yesterday I’ve not done so far while on DR. I listened to Emperor ZP and LB ZP instead of listening to DR and LB. I’d also attempted a 3rd rest day (my first as well). I’m sitting here now wishing I’d done DR. I’m having a very small case of recon, as I’m feeling a bit weak emotionally.
I’m not sure this fits, but in my job we’re reminded regularly to watch for routine breakers while driving. When I’m distracted by something while in my routine, I can start operating on assumptions, meaning less attention is given to others on the road, and accidents can and do result.
I relied on many assumptions yesterday before and after listening to Emperor. Here are just a few.
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I’ll be ok
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I’ll just hide in Emperor since it covers “everything”
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I won’t be fearful
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I’ll be able to listen to DR soon enough. Errr. (I considered listening to DR this morning, actually. Hello recon!)
So, child’s play. Not today. This’ll pass. I just need to be nice to myself while in recon. More water too.
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April 11 (cont.)
Am I the only one who’s approached a long-time goal–and also feels scared of it? I’ve been thinking of what recon is, the dissonance between what is and what could be, and I’m feeling that inner disconnect. Like as it gets closer, I’m feeling kind of stupid. Like, why am I doing this? A real recon is happening, and I’m looking forward to the breakthrough.
My day was heavy in the morning. I was dispassionate about seeing people, but as the day wore on, I began to feel REALLY GOOD. It was incredible. I had one insight during the afternoon that that’s what happens when I allow it (vs. denying/stuffing/avoiding it). I felt great for a couple of hours.
Those questions are still in my mind though.
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April 12, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
2nd rest day
Some things are changing in my mindset, and I’m finding myself feeling shame about it.
Shame? Yes. I’ve used all these shields to protect myself, and it’s created a sense that I could handle some things. When these defenses fade, I feel unprotected, and I feel young and helpless. That’s when shame rises, telling me to hide, to not tell anyone.
I’ve done this for decades, looping it again and again. It came up this morning. Part of me really wanted to write, but shame tried to appeal to me (and still is) to hide, feel sorry for myself, and just whimper quietly.
While writing that, I imagined myself not writing here, but going to work feeling low, emotionally desperate and needy, giving that signal that said “I NEED you, but I feel ashamed and scared, so I’m pushing you away”.
Writing is one way I shed light on my shame now. Well, it’s a major outlet. I did share honestly an inner struggle with a coworker yesterday, totally unplanned. I needed to be honest with someone, so I shared it within the context of our conversation. I enjoyed that.
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April 13, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
Listening to DR custom and Elixir
I’m listening to my DR custom now. Listening to Emperor last time wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t easy. Other issues have come to mind, and many have been practical. Yesterday I realized I was detaching from other’s expectations, and I felt much more independent. I also kept thinking of how people running Emperor began getting bothered by being under an employer’s thumb. Yep. A micromanaging manager has been annoying af to me these last 2 days, as she creates “crisis” constantly to have her agendas fulfilled. BS.
I also saw some fruit when I hung with the slight recon vs. me creating another crisis to distract from it. I just wasn’t worried about it.
I switched LB with Elixir this morning, and will keep rotating it like that. It’s running now. I’m gonna let this cook in me before I comment on it.
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April 13 (cont.)
Can I grow?
I’m a little soft. Facing something now with a different perspective. I think it is Elixir. But the story first.
I’ve not been in a church since…I don’t know when. I think it was 6-8 months back when an old friend invited me; I’d seen him during my workday, and I went one time. I found myself putting on faces to everyone and hoping someone…would love me. Old survival habits came quickly. So did old pains from seeking someone else’s love and encouragement. Old habits hadn’t died, and I was disgusted with myself “trying to look like” I was a loving and loveable person. I avoided this old friend after, still carrying pain and regret from my not knowing how to handle this in a mature manner.
Monday a coworker and I spoke, and he invited me to his church for an Easter celebration. I don’t follow his church’s beliefs–but I was attracted to his offer since he was very caring and sensitive while talking to me, as if he was expecting me to yell “NO!!” But I kept my mind and heart open while listening to him, sensing his own vulnerability while asking me.
So, the short story is he was caring, and for that reason I’m considering going.
I’m a little uncomfortable now, having ignored his call 20 minutes ago, after he said he’d call me tonight to give details. I’m facing relational fears again, as I felt totally vulnerable when my phone rang. So I didn’t pick up. I began questioning myself heavily right after, wondering who I really am. Putting on faces kept me safe in the past, I’m walking into new territory–and I pulled back. I trusted fear’s message again, and regret followed. Again.
I think I’ve lived with both feelings of fear and safety right next to each other all of my life. I felt slightly less fearful today, and then I pulled back again. I’m not sure how I’ll resolve this. I feel vulnerable with both choices, and tears could come with either decision I make. Makes no emotional sense to me right now.
Why the f do I face such massive fear each time I grow, if even a little??!!
April 14, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
1st rest day
Something’s working in my thinking. @Leandros’s sharing how Elixir is a surgeon with a bag of various tools to handle fears seems true. I sense something working in my thinking, though I’m unsure exactly.
I didn’t plan on writing, but this ray of hope and joy have been making noise in my head this morning. It’s unclear what’s been worked on, but as I look around in my mind, I’m enjoying myself. Literally.
It’s like my major fears have been disabled presently.
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Yeeeeeaaaaaa I am happy for you
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