SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#81

April 1, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
Listening to St1 and LB now

Last listening day of this cycle. Beginning my washout tomorrow.

Lots of internal questioning and changes have been going on. I’m right in the middle of a financial move, and I’ve really been pushing myself into a lot of NEW beliefs and actions. I’m glad I put in New Beginnings, as right before I wrote this, I had this mental shift to me being a fake and BSing others. The imposter syndrome can halt progress, so f that. However, when it pops up, it does check who I am.

I remember growing up, being hit with these thoughts and feelings, and bowing to the mental onslaught. I followed Mom’s reaction, so we both hid. We were poor because she believed she was a victim, and that was the only standard I ever witnessed.

I’m finding I’ve followed suit mainly since I’ve not had much self-worth or self-love. I felt a twinge of self-love a moment ago (LB running now), and the difference was quite clear. No love = no hope = no actions for change. I had missed self-love while on EOG, and that’s why I pulled off after months. EOG was changing my thinking on finances, but my emotional gas tank was empty. It created a major vacuum in my life.

So, self-love is being worked on. That’s my foundation, it’s been weak, so that’s why I’m working on it. Just the core, not the extras.

2 Likes
#82

April 2, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
First day of washout

Something hit my consciousness yesterday. I’m writing to document it. This feels difficult since it is a core belief of mine

I was working at another site yesterday, and I rode with a guy I’ve worked with before. He’s a “Good Ol Boy”, and I laughed and cracked jokes with him throughout the day.

I found myself considering making statements that were just on the edge of offensive. That’s not my comfort zone–and I realized I was trying to push him away by saying something that would possibly piss him off or make me look undesirable as a person. It was self-sabotage in action.

I give that background since what hit me was unexpected.

We were riding through some slum neighborhood, and I remember seeing a middle-aged man in the middle of the street, all by himself, as if waiting on someone. I wondered if he was selling drugs since some are “louder” about it. My first comment was laced with my fears, beliefs, and hangups about men in general. My comment wasn’t really about him. It was a broad swipe about all men.

I said “there’s a dangerous man” in a mocking, disparaging tone. I immediately felt a connection with my inner beliefs, and I felt like “oh shit. Did I really say that?” I felt exposed. I looked in the mirror, and I was wide-eyed, literally in shock. Thank God the driver was looking forward.

I feel uncomfortable about posting this since…I’m seeing it now…I’m still leaning on old understandings of how to relate to men, here or anywhere. That statement about the man on the street reflected some fear I was beginning to feel, and it’s tied to old childhood survival patterns of mine. I’m feeling some now, and I began crying.

DR is working in me.

2 Likes
#83

April 2, 2022 (cont.)

I just watched a relational father/daughter movie. Then, I came here.

While considering sharing my thoughts, I was instantly aware of how unworkable and dysfunctional control is. I considered capping my thoughts, via not writing, and instantly I knew I would be snuffing out my expression.

I’ve often had thoughts and wanted to share them, and then fear and “reasons” (which were all fear-based) spoke up. I’m tired of this. And even while writing that last sentence, I considered being honest–with me. I lie to myself first.

Fear sounds logical, even sensible some times. But dammit, it’s only aim is to keep me “safe”, AKA sitting in my too familiar shit pile.

Allowing DR to work is beautiful. It’s change. Good change.

Thank you @Fire and @SaintSovereign for creating this. Fricken beautiful.

1 Like
#84

April 3, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
2nd day of washout

I’ve been steering back and forth into old mentalities I’ve survived and hidden with. That victim mentality rose up and wanted me to whine, seeking help for things I alone am responsible for. But I didn’t come to dissect it clinically. (being clinical is easier)

I’m wrestling with it in a different way. I’m aware of both the illegitimate push to act like I am helpless–and also how uncomfortable it is. It brings me to unprofitable outcomes repeatedly, meaning I’m still sitting with the problem and am aware I sidestepped it–again. The feeling that nothing’s changed is the hardest to sit with since I’m aiming to do something more productive and internally peaceful.

I might be on the edge of a change, a submission to the truth that what I’m doing and have done–just doesn’t work.

So, I’m writing since I don’t know what to do. DR is pushing me to see what I’m doing, and I’m grateful for its action. Fear is screaming its worst scenarios.

My old norm is finding someone with more confidence than I and pulling from his strength. And at the same time, I know it’s keeping me in the same spot, which is stressful. That pain and stress are keeping my eyes open, seeing I do have other choices I can make. Courage Reclaimed is doing a work in me.

Anytime I have “problems” while running DR, it’s because the solution is working. It’s exposing what’s happening. Busting through denial is stressful, but it reminds me of sitting in AA meetings. Sometimes change involves being around similar-minded people long enough who are seeking a similar outcome. Acceptance is so much easier when one knows they’re not all alone.

And writing here is often similar to that. Even sharing pain and fear touch some and encourage them since they find out “I’m not alone”.

That sounded like Chosen is working in me too. I wonder what else is brewing :slight_smile:

1 Like
#85

April 5, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
Beginning of 4th washout day

A module has been working in me, and I woke up thinking about interactions I had yesterday. I’ve found myself feeling a bit cocky and even expectant of some things at work. I believe it’s Divine Self Image since I thought of pride. It’s not comfortable since I feel like I’m better than most.

This is coming from a man who’s played and acted down and inferior since it often had people be nicer and more accomodating. I did it since it almost always had a positive return since people haven’t felt they were in competition with me. I’ve done this my entire life.

I also realize this new thinking is definitely not my norm, so I’m seeing it negatively.

I’m seeing that attitude–or rather, belief–here too. I’m just getting used to it.

2 Likes
#86

To clarify the cockiness, I’m usually pretty self-denying. I usually deny intelligence, competence, and mental strength.

My site boss yesterday was apologizing for “putting me through” coming in last minute to help since 3 had called out. I remember saying 2 different times, “but it was only…”, and I was serious. It wasn’t hard. ’

And it bothered me this morning since I wasn’t in full self-denying mode, my norm. I faced the unknowns of change.

I’m smiling since I’m not wrapped up in fear right now.

2 Likes
#87

Congratulations on your progress.

1 Like
#88

Thanks @Seeker :slight_smile:

#89

April 5th, 2022 (cont.)

This 4th day is definitely doing something more than when I’ve done 3 days. I’ll try to explain it.

I found myself feeling low when I returned to the shop this afternoon. I’ve had this happen before, but something is different. I feel what I’ve felt before, but I also sense subconscious processing going on. Like the sub is making me aware of a negative habit (relying on others for self-esteem), but I am sensing that I am working on a solution. It’s empowering.

And I just sensed a core belief. I am realizing, as it’s happening, that I often try to look at circumstances through some fantasy lens. The one which is easier, safer, more desirable…and definitely NOT what’s actually happening in or around me. When I sensed that, I felt some pain. DR has shown me this a couple of times already, but my courage has been growing to where I’m willing to look at it. I’ve lived behind those goggles for decades.

1 Like
#90

April 6, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
Last day of washout

I’m tired, yes, but I woke up legitimately desiring to not do my norm today. Like calling out, which I haven’t considered in months. I’m feeling pulled towards escaping. Unsure if I will.

I’m thinking of Saint when he says he desires some introspection time.

And while writing that, I had a pull to not tell anyone about it. Old ways I used to hide.

I feel like my protective walls are a bit weak today.

1 Like
#91

April 6, 2022 (cont.)

I stayed home today. I had one major action to take…and I did it! It was just one, and I avoided, avoided, and avoided it more, right into the afternoon.

I realized something during one of my normal avoidance acts. I was watching a romance flick, and the story was predictable. Not boring, but a little too perfect. I found myself feeling pretty sad, and I began wondering “why?”

Ever since starting subs, I’ve found myself very emotional when I’m being pulled away from fears I’ve practiced and repeated.

But watching the movie let me see and feel how I am avoiding trust in relationships, whether with men or women. And the sub is digging at fears. That is why I’ve been sad. Because fear has had such a foundation in my life.

And right now, I feel a strong inner pull to hang on to known fears, along with a soft vulnerability of not relying on them. I watched the movie since I know holding on to fears is deadening and lonely, and I wanted to see other possibilities.

I’m starting to see my own blinders.

1 Like
#92

That’s an interesting insight. Thank you for sharing.

1 Like
#93

Thanks @Seeker.

I think I’m on the (non-dangerous) edge of breaking down in tears. I’ll address my role with men.

I’m having some mental flashbacks of how I’ve always related to males in my life, and this is exactly why I’ve kept such distance here and in real life.

I’d approach a male or males, and I’d fall right into an old role of mine: the little brother. I’d play weak, scared, or anything to influence a protective stance by others. I’m 50, and I’ve used it even this last year. My survival thinking was “maybe you’ll protect me/guide me”…even do what I’m responsible for.

Damn. That’s been what I’ve done. I came to SC years back hoping for (and fearing) some major turnabout. Ascension did introduce me to more empowering thinking, but the inner survivalist still sought his place in my life. Like a subconscious saboteur, he pulled my mind and emotions about so I’d “avoid pain”. But that’s mostly been me isolating from others. The pain I’ve avoided is the remembrance of emotional pain I’ve felt helpless over. Isolation’s seemed to help since I didn’t think I had sufficient tools.

To be honest, I’ve felt today like I’m trying to return my thinking to that level since it’s predictable. And that’s fear holding on to its reigns. I’ll let DR keep doing its work. I’m not doing so well trying to control it by understanding it.

4 Likes
#94

I’m feeling the urge to delete my last post. Shame is awful.

#95

Thanks for the above post, got me thinking about the same thing myself. Being a smaller human, I tend to act like that in order to survive in male spaces. Great insight, much appreciation for your courage.

2 Likes
#96

Yeah, I tend to feel insecure around louder or bolder men. I’ll just play a wallflower or wait on some personal comment to react to. Embarrassing to me, where even I try to deny or avoid awareness of it often.

And thinking of my post, I never was clear why I pull away. I pull away since I still think like that, and I’m not proud of it, so I pull away. I like being around stronger and more courageous men, but I’m rarely truly honest with them. I compare myself, and I feel so much less able to handle situations smoothly. So, I steer away.

I realized I’m wishing to bluff here (due to fear), so I’ll pull off now. I try to hide in some front–and damn, it’s not making me happy. I’m starting my 3rd cycle tomorrow, so I’ll trust some changes are being made.

1 Like
#97

Your journal is quite empowering, I look forward to be able to run DR as you are.

There is so much power in honesty, recognition of flaws or bad habits or defense mechanisms etc.

The more you expose yourself, the more you feel shame and embarrassment only to realize more people than you know share the same issue/burden. Also exposing the darkness to the light empowers the self to take action.

I find a lot of joy in the process, even though I’m new it’s such a wild experience to finally get to peel off the lid to who I am and clean out/organize myself for the better.

Cheers to you man! Keep up the great work. I benefit a lot from your experiences.

1 Like
#98

April 7, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
Listening to my custom and LB now

Thanks @Geoff. I’m trying to find my feelings as I reply, as DR is stirring up fears and such again. Being honest…I’ve admitted at times I’ve blown smoke, I’ll feel shame right after, but I don’t have to carry more as time goes on. Therefore, I came here admitting I’m trying to wade through old practices of BSing myself and others. Just like yesterday, I’m seeing that old habit not want to die. But damn, I’m feeling and remembering freedom when I was just honest.

When there’s nothing to hide, there’s nothing to fear.

1 Like
#99

April 7, 2022 (cont.)

Almost simultaneously, I’m feeling excited and uplifted by love, and also having fear of it since (I so want to be sarcastic right now) I may want to get to know a woman again. My heart’s been loose and light all day, as if love tentacles are beginning to grow in me. I know that’s all wordy, but I like word pictures.

I’m enjoying this.

Also, I felt Chosen growing and showing in me today. Imagining standing up to authority in my company, while also trying to know intentions for allowing the exploitation of workers. Companies like that don’t last long or fare well in public opinion.

I also think its aura was shining, as I had 3 different IOI’s from women today.

I was different too. I felt myself letting go of other’s opinions about me–which is something I’ve not felt in quite a long time.

Life has been really rich today.

Edit: I did do a loop of Ascension Chamber when I got home. That may have been how it got lit up in my awareness.

3 Likes
#100

April 8, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 3
1st rest day

AC is still pushing and exciting me this morning. I did a loop last night shortly after arriving home, and it lit my mind up with DR and LB being active. The love scripts are heating up.

I’ll also add this. I thought of writing while showering, and I fell back into that “I gotta write so people will love me” mentality for a second, and Chosen came forward.

I have more courage. I don’t want to sell a product (me) so others will love me. That’s NOT ok. Maybe…the love scripts are digging in and changing my own self-worth. I never saw this coming

A question is sitting on my mind: how do I value myself?

3 Likes