SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#61

March 21, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
DR and LB last night, AC this morning (to not overload)

I had some different experiences today. The biggest one happened just before leaving work. Something’s still cooking, as I’m slightly aware of it still.

We have only 2 women who work in the offices of my workplace. I was clocking out and sharing details with the administrative assistant since she documents our times and duties when needed. I made a comment, and it wasn’t planned nor embarrassing. I simply said,

“I don’t want to fight with you”, in a joking manner, but inside me I truly meant it.

Something inside me had taken over for the good. I was tired, and I’ve often shut down when around the women so I don’t make subtle but rude remarks to them. Like I’ve made statements that showed them I’m not good to like or desire. More specifically, that I’m afraid to be loved by a woman.

I don’t want to do that. What is cooking in me is some change which is doing the opposite of me “keeping myself safe” by keeping them away. Right when I said that to her, I felt my self-sabotage surface, and it was instantly battled in my subconscious mind, bordering on consciousness. That’s what I felt, and I’ve NEVER had this happen before.

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#62

That’s awesome. It’s a great feeling when the new mind starts telling the old mind to shut the hell up.
Congratulations on the development! :grin:

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#63

That’s it in a nutshell. Something in my being stood up and said “No, we’re not doing that anymore” It definitely took over

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#64

March 22, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
2nd rest day

How do I do this?

I don’t know yet.

I realized today that I’ve been putting up shields, keeping people away. I was showering tonight, and I realized I’ve depended on my shields to keep people at a distance, so I’ll not get hurt.

It clicked when I got a facial reaction from a guy I know, as I wasn’t being real. I played a role. I wasn’t being me. I’ve done this a long time.

But a short while later I got a visual in my head. I saw myself with guards down, being real with someone. It’s like it was in an unreal world for me. But…I saw myself showing some vulnerability.

I miss me. Being real.

But I’ve got fear and sadness hanging on to me presently. I look for my “safe norm” of being…phony. I’ve been doing that, even depending on it.

That question keeps ringing in my ears–how do I do this?

This may sound like bullshit, but this is a good situation to be in. I believe DR, maybe LB too, are picking at my “safe norms”, revealing where truth lies. I need some. I crave it, with some safety.

I’m also planning on listening before bed tomorrow night. These last 2 days were very active, following my first PM listening experience

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#65

My custom arrived. I’ll be listening to that tonight.

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#66

March 24, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
Listened to one loop of my custom last night

I did my first listen of my St.1 custom last night. I had a long day, so I wasn’t fully relaxed while listening. But something is working upstairs presently. Sharing honestly, I’m tired, and could easily drift back into sleep now. My old standard was to slip into feeling sorry for myself when I wanted something but couldn’t get what I wanted.

That powerless mentality feels like it’s being challenged. Cool. That’s Courage Reclaimed. Thanks for this one @Fire.

Something DR has been working on are my mental templates and beliefs when around other guys. My old standard when around other males was to return to a childish mentality. I still do this. But it’s all because of a fear of being hurt. I was working a community yesterday, and multiple groups of workers were putting in underground electrical wires. I first resorted to being cool and distant. I felt this sadness due to my own imposed distance, and trusted the inner urge to open myself up, cautiously.

I’m not reporting major outward manifestations. What I am reporting is a nudging to change, to open myself up some, to see that all males don’t represent pain and abuse. There’s still work going on (I’m crying now), but that’s a new experience for me.

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#67

Thank you for sharing! :relaxed::pray::muscle:

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#68

Thanks @Athanaxos

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#69

With women it’s happening too.

I just read an email from a female crypto miner I know. She’s got stage 4 cancer, and I offered some help with her and her teenage son. Her email said she was going back for chemo soon, and at the end of her email she wrote “ILY”. I honestly had to sit on that a moment. She’s really vulnerable. I want to encourage her.

And our female driver returned 2 days back after being out for 6 months. I was talking to her yesterday morning. What I noticed, standing there with 25 other drivers, was she kept touching me. I’m touched internally since I have choices of keeping walls up–I just don’t like that personal misery as much anymore.

When it rains, it pours. Emotional change and challenge is looming

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#70

Wow that’s tough. And I have nothing but respect for you for streching out a helping hand.

Now, I know it’s not really my place and Stage 4 Cancer is not to fuck around with but… perhaps… some of it or at least the chemo side effects could be alleviated with a hyper nourishment plan… I’m talking DR Brooke Goldner. It has helped others deal with serious illness, and it might help her too… if not entirely then at least to some extent. And when every other option is exhausted… It’s worth a look.

Well now, isn’t that just wonderful? :slight_smile:

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#71

Thank you for sharing.

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#72

March 25, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
2nd rest day

Thanks @Athanaxos and @Seeker.

This custom is kicking in, but I’m too tired now to fully explain it.

Having my own thoughts, standing up for myself, being myself–these are running in my mind.

I did have tears yesterday while working, and it wasn’t old stuff surfacing. It was that empathy kicking in as I began thinking about different people. The tears coming were my protective walls weakening. There’s more to come, for sure.

I’m feeling more desires for being known as I am, fully. It’s why I’m still hanging on now, having written 5 minutes worth of post in 15 minutes.

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#73

Most of my time here I try to hide my shame. Thought I’d admit that before going on and conveniently forgetting about it.

March 26, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
Listening day. Going to do my custom and LB today/tonight

I’ve been watching videos on ADHD after reading through an old ADHD post by @Pyro. Kind of overlaps emotional stuff too. (But that’s a distraction, not related)

First, I realized today that I felt myself without shields up BUT I feel kind of insecure without old normal controls in place. So, I’ve not been writing–which brought on shame. I was just avoiding exposure and the heaviness of shame, so hiding–what other choice is there?

THAT is how I thought growing up. All…or NOTHING. This little bit of good…or ALL BAD. Growing up it was a little bit of pleasure, or fearing the absolute worst. I felt helpless to painful perceptions, which bred a belief that pain is/was/still is something I’m powerless over. It built a belief that “I’ll fail if I try”. Hiding meant not trying.

Which is painful as hell admitting. I’ve shamefully hid in not trying (so many things). Hoping people wouldn’t see it. Hoping “some hope” would pop up. Shame meant hiding–sometimes with me smiling right in front of you. That hiding keeps me in pain too, which is why I’m writing now. Shame SUCKS. Telling my truth, though painful, decreases that pain I’ve been suppressing…

I feel sad admitting this–I’ve been hiding all my life. Every single moment of pain, and also every single moment of pleasure, seriously. Like if you don’t know, I might not be vulnerable to being exposed. Like I can’t let you know me (even the good stuff)…since the good and bad are often right next to each other, even intermingling.

Like I’m identifying with shame. Just admitting it. Hiding it builds it more. And again, my norm of hiding it is what keeps it painful and alive. I feel kind of lost now, but some pressure’s off my chest.

Part of me is like “WTF did I just write?” I’ll make sense of this later. I needed to unload.

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#74

Thank you for being willing to share that insight.

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#75

I have found through this journey that I am a very avoidant person. This included everything especially feelings. If you do have ADHD a huge issue is that we are good at masking our emotions. its a hidden skill that we don’t even know we do since most of the time. A thing I have been using when trying to feel these emotions for the first time is visualize myself standing tall and holding your ground against a massive storm.

I used to say I hate emotions, but I have learned how important it is to embrace them especially if they are uncomfortable. It’s hell for a bit, but eventually the fountain that you have been burying will dry up. You just gotta stand tall in hell. Not going to sugarcoat it. It sucks and isn’t easy but once you are on the other side a lot of clarity will start entering your life. Subliminals defines helped especially Emperor oddly enough.

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#76
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#77

I spent the morning watching a bunch of her videos this morning since I relate so much. Than…I got distracted and…well, I continued to feel shame about not doing stuff…not succeeding in present and past ventures…so dammit, this stuff is a strong component of my present perceptions.

March 27, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
1st rest day

Question: is it normal to avoid busyness since busyness, in my experience, is my way of acting like I don’t feel shame?

Like, when I’m alone I feel what I feel, unencumbered by imagined attitudes and opinions of others. Me hiding out is me avoiding those imagined judgements.

It’s hard even admitting this since that voice in my head says “you’re still dealing with this?”

I’m facing the reality that I’m looking to avoid, escape, or deny that I truly think this negative way every single day, and my “good” days are called good since I successfully avoided this shit somehow. THAT’s my reality. That’s my life. Ain’t attractive, wanted, or desirable, and I think of myself like that too. I think I’m unwanted, undesired…all of it.

Lastly, I related with her sharings since I saw one video where the self-shame was identified, and also since she broke down at the end of her TedTalk video, like I’ve often done here when writing and being honest. I do that often when being honest here.

#78

I found that I needed a lot of time to myself on DR. It wasn’t so much hiding as it was that I needed the peace and quiet to think about and process what it was digging into. That felt like wanting to hide a lot of the time, but it was really just a need to have the external world stop distracting from my focus on my internal world.

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#79

March 28, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
2nd rest day
Plans are for a 90 day run

Yeah, I am holding back a lot. It’s equally needing space while feeling vulnerable, but also wondering “am I doing what’s right and honest for me or is this my ONLY tool for getting attention?” I went to 12 step groups for decades, and I pulled out and have stayed out the last 3-4 years since I realized I knew how to get attention there: have problems. I’m running a “problems” sub now, so they’re on my mind. But doing that feels manipulative and deceitful to me now. I wonder “is this all I am?”

I know the answer is “no”. But DR does seem to dig everything up. I just realized/remembered an old routine from childhood. I put on a purposeful and exaggerated act to receive attention from an obviously ADHD brother, the mad scientist type, literally. I put lots of expectations on him, and it bothered me that I had to take extreme measures to seek attention.

There’s pain there, so DR is moving.

I’ll add this since it’s on my mind. I watched a movie called October Baby last night, a story of a young woman suddenly finding out she was adopted, having never known before this. She goes looking for her mom and finds out that she, the girl, was a survivor of a failed abortion.

I mention this since the real life actress playing the birth mother actually had this happen in her life. In one scene, the daughter left a note for her mom saying “I forgive you”, and when the mom read it she fell back against a wall, crying hard. In the outtakes at the end, the actress said she wasn’t acting when they filmed that scene. The tears were real, and she experienced deep healing in those moments.

I’ve had a few memorable healing moments like that. I’m desiring that honesty again. Owning the pain is where I’m at. I have those truths internally…and I’ve been holding them in a long time. I know I’m thinking I’m alone here, like in old times. I think I even pulled off of DR last year since I felt alone. I’m scared since I feel alone. DR is moving.

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#80

March 31, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
2nd rest day

Stage 1 is making changes in my mindset, as I’m avoiding coming here–to be who I normally am. I’ve lived out roles and images most of my adult life. I know it too well, but it’s a very limited and fear-based mindset. So, essentially I don’t want to play that game anymore in a place where I purposely try to be honest.

Stage 1 has been changing my mindset. I’m learning to trust myself in this transition. I’ve been facing some fears, and facing them is having others pop out too. I could flesh this out more, but I wanted to just share that.

I’m also going to return to listening in the mornings since the effects have seemed much more subtle. And my biggest reason is I almost lose track of when I listen since I listen at the end of my day, and it’s not my norm with SC subs. I’ve always liked seeing effects after listening.

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