What do you mean by the little brother role?
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Admission: I wrote my last post, then went on the forum, finding the customs announcement thread since I’m planning one myself.
I then took a bathroom break and realized I’m playing the wallflower again. I’m seeing everyone else’s passion and plans, but I’m not sharing mine. I’m thinking and feeling quite unimportant, hiding out, not contributing there either. In fact, the actual excitement I feel while reading is me feeling like a little kid being exposed to some majorly exciting thing.
Still, there’s this little voice that says “I’m not important”. It keeps me small (and remembering old times). Uninvolved. Unattached. Capable of doing nefarious things since “no one knows me”
I…don’t…like…it.
What am I holding on to? Answer: old images and feelings of security–in my head. I had a purpose then. I’m not sure of my purpose now. I’m prone to hide in “busyness”, doing things to avoid this …this “letting go” of old patterns. I even began crying while writing minutes ago since letting go is on the table for me.
F***. I’m realizing how isolated I’ve made myself.
I’m successfully avoiding the victim mindset here. I created this problem. I did. I can make changes too !!!
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I was the youngest of 3 brothers. I’d often allow them to lead me since both were insecure yet adamant about being in control of their respective worlds. This made my life incredibly easy since I very rarely had to assert myself around them.
It’s also closely tied to me feeling inadequate around other males since “what do I want and stand up for?” I’ve been drawn to “easy” still (the little brother role), but it just doesn’t work well anymore.
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I see. Thank you for taking the time to elaborate.
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March 14, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
2nd rest day
I’m in the middle of changes going on, and I’m insecure. I often come here, seeking a mood to dwell on, and it’s ultimately just for attention OR distraction. Truly, that’s been a strong motive, and it’s changing.
For example, I rewatched a chick flick yesterday, and since I don’t feel so emotionally compressed, I only cried some, and it wasn’t even about the story. It struck on an internal sadness I’ve been carrying, and I’ve even been trying to minimize it, all so I wouldn’t feel it. But since the movie connected with it, I allowed myself to feel it. Why? Because movies always have a limit on time and people’s attention, so plot changes are essential in any movie. It feels safer having some emotional limits in my life.
I’ve been dwelling in that sad mental framework for many years, only expressing it more in recent years. I don’t want to live there. But I will have my feet and mind there until I face it. Changes are truly happening. Part of me is exceptionally excited. Part is scared shitless. I have no idea where I’m going. But I’M GOING!
Yeah, I feel both excited AND saddened. I guess all change is welcoming in new things and pushing out old things. Saying goodbye is where I’m at this moment.
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All I have to do to realize changes are happening is to step back into recent days. I went to a store to get food, and even while walking away from my scooter, my normal, somewhat solid template wasn’t really available (to HIDE behind). I grew excited since I wasn’t carrying this barrier around people, that unspoken LEAVE ME ALONE!! message. Nah. I smiled at myself, knowing I was being real–and unrehearsed. Just me. It felt good smiling.
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Remember that you are not in a hurry. You have the rest of your life to work on yourself.
Taking a year to run through DR did wonders for me, and I would expect it to for you as well.
Don’t feel inadequate. Especially here. We all have problems and things we feel inadequate about or we wouldn’t have sought out subliminals or been on the self improvement journeys that brought us here.
No one here is better than you, we’re all on the same road.
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March 15, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
Listening to DR and LB
I got hit with the imposter syndrome last night, and I’m still wrestling with its questions in my head. I’m considering and comparing why Saint pulled off the forum while testing New Beginnings 2 years back, as I truly needed to disconnect from everybody last night. I started writing, then shut off my computer… There’s a low-level frustration with one person in real life, but that cutoff I’m desiring seems to be growing. I wonder if Saint pulled off since he just wanted to pout, whine, and blame everybody else for his own internal chaos. That’s where my head’s at right now.
Is New Beginnings in DR? I wonder. It’s shaking things up, but it’s not glued to hopelessness. I’m just drawing boundaries around myself, which is a newer experience, for sure.
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I see the frustration. I’m holding so much inside, but wishing for someone else to release it. Dammit, that’s my life story. That thinking breeds crap in every conceivable way.
Maybe it’s my norm for handling excessive and unreasonable blame for everything. Since I couldn’t fix it (while growing up), I looked for a savior anywhere and everywhere.
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Your only savior is the person in the mirror. No one could ever take care of you the way you can.
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I feel you bro. I’ve felt the same way since forever, and at times I still do. But you know? As long as you work to improve your personal power and agency (which you clearly are since you are here on this forum) … What @Davisnwc mentioned here is inevitable, and you will eventually be the person you felt that you needed 
I also feel that what @Fractal_Explorer mentioned in RVC’s thread regarding “past healing subs to be destabilizing” to be true, and I think that it’s worth keeping in mind during ST1-2… makes it easier to endure the chaos inner turmoil while you are preparing yourself to be put together again during ST3:
What are your thoughts/feelings about that?
And do you have any previous experience of DR? I have a vague memory that you’ve mentioned it, but I might just be confused atm 
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I like that. Thanks Davis
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No problem man.
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Yeah, @Athanaxos, I did DR St1 in Q and Qv2 last year, and Qv2 had a lot more recon. I did it maybe 3 months, but I’ve not looked at my actual time (from my old DR journal). I didn’t have a plan or goal at the time. I just liked the ride.
Just so I don’t rush it (or force it), I’m planning on 3 months of each stage now.
And I’ve been on other emotional healing subliminals from different vendors. DR is strong, but its approach is much easier to handle than some I’ve used before. The effects I’ve written of lately excited me some, for one simple reason–this stuff’s barely been touched by other healing subliminals. When I know I’m carrying a secret from myself, and a tool (ANY tool) pokes at it, that astounds me. I’m like “Hey guys!! Check THIS out!” And healing is rarely like that. But it digging up stuff I know’s never been touched before excites me.
Because my silent shit still stinks. I’m the one carrying it, and I’m getting tired of the stench.
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March 16, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
First rest day
Constant changes. I am inspired still.
I had words with my department coworker yesterday morning since his mood was crap and I suspected condescension. It bothered me all day and I had a few of those mental confrontations where I was telling him to f off, etc.
I got back into the yard at the end of the day, and saw he was back himself. I planned on ignoring him, and not talking with him again like I’d done that morning. F him. I was pissed with all this drama I’d been running in my head.
When I saw him in our office space doing paperwork, I was still fuming. His first words were, unexpectantly, understanding. Within seconds, I decided I needed to get off my own high horse and drop my defensiveness. What ensued shocks me. It was a very honest and noncombative interaction.
He admitted he was in a very bad mood that morning, even apologizing to others throughout the day. In truth, I didn’t and don’t want to be guarded and defensive around others all day. I willingly changed my stance too so we could mend our relational tears, and it worked.
When I get out of my own way, peace can result. It did yesterday. It makes work much more inviting this morning.
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March 17, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
2nd rest day
Man, DR and LB began really showing themselves today. I noticed this in the afternoon because different feelings and realizations were popping up. But I want to summarize my day with one realization that came in the afternoon.
I had been making deliveries all day, and I initiated a number of conversations with customers. I talked with one man about 5 minutes (can’t remember what it was about). And something clicked this afternoon.
I’d been thinking of my general interactions with people I know, and even strangers. It pained me since I realized I often initiate conversations only when I want something. Some people I’ve avoided lately since I realized this.
But remembering my conversation with the customer today, I felt and saw something inside of me. I was talking to gain something. Me talking was me crying out (even with a smile on my face) pleading “PLEASE LOVE ME!” It’s why I’ve always enjoyed social jobs
Ever since I took that archetype test in the Emperor’s Lounge, I’ve been focused on building love in me. Love was my biggest weak point, and I need some. I’m building and buying a DR custom tonight, and I’ve got 2 love modules in it, and I’ll still stack it with LB. Here’s my sub:
DR1
Chosen
Divine Self Image
Deus
Foundation
Path of Forgiveness
Ares
Courage Reclaimed
Call of Honor
Depths of Love
Chosen of Venus
Growth Through Pain
Iron Frame
Pride Unbroken
Remembrance
Sanguine
Strength of Gentleness
New Beginnings
The Boundary
Eye of The Storm
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March 19, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
1st rest day
I’m facing some fear of failing others or myself, like I’m fearing being rejected today–by others. This is touching old “nice guy” patterns, which is significant.
I’m gonna flip this. Am I afraid of others rejecting me–or am I afraid of rejecting myself?
It’s DEFINITELY the latter. I treat myself like shit, and it’s normal. Not what I’d like. It’s just familiar to me, and I hide a lot in familiarity. Which is definitely holding me back.
I’m not going to spin this out longer. I’m just being honest with myself.
Regarding rejecting myself, I’m grateful I put in Divine Self Image in my custom. I think Fire has been reading my posts in the past. Thank you @Fire
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March 20, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 2
2nd rest day
I’m wondering if I should listen tonight before heading to bed. I was in a thread, and @TheBoxingScientist said he does that. I’m wondering how it’ll feel tomorrow, if anything is happening tomorrow. That’s a major influencer to doing it at daytime–seeing immediate results.
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I’ve felt kind of lost today, meaning there’s so much I’m leaving behind while using DR. Some major stuff, but predominantly stuff that I don’t think about much at all. What hits me is an awareness that I can change, and I’m very aware of my choices. The unhealthy part of me rises up and says “MINE! NOT CHANGING!”, and part of me shuts down, completely avoiding the conflict. It’s an old reaction from childhood.
I remember when Saint warned us about the loss of identity when we started on Kahn Total Breakdown. Personally, I don’t remember that heavily, but I did have glimpses of it. Now, on DR, this is showing up a lot, in multiple settings. One girl looked at me today, but inwardly I felt unconfident. I realized my return look at her was my old standard of seeking her to be my strength. Uggghhh. Give me a codependent girl and we’ll both be… “fine”. Cough, cough.
It was me holding back my truth and not being true to what I truly want. I was like “look in my eyes. Don’t you want me? I don’t even want me, but I’ll hide it incessantly, acting like a needy child. I’ll even trade my power for your leadership.”
F***. That’s what I was thinking while growing up. Desiring anyone to lead. (maybe…LOVE me?!)
And that’s how I used to think. It’s a snail’s life, a life of denied unhappy dependency on others. I’m tired of driveling for love and attention. I am actively working on loving and respecting myself, and even that is NEW. DR and LB are both showing up today, and part of me is relieved since I’m not taking an unfruitful path. I’m making some headway.
I was just really questioning my normal unhealthiness today.
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March 20, 2022 (cont.)
I’m listening to DR and LB now before going to bed. I usually listen in the morning. This is an experiment to see how results show tomorrow.
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