May 14, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
Listening to DR custom and Elixir now
I see DR working in me this morning. As I considered writing for the last 10 minutes, I felt pained since I kept seeking out “normal, comfortable…SAFE” things to say.
And I’ve had this different voice pop up and say “What? No. I’m going to be me, ugly or not”
And that battle’s still going on.
I came here to be liked (by others), my old norm. My old fallback. Part of me just wanted to be liked since I’d done something unplanned, but a first with ZP. (I’m still looking for the me-too train to jump on…fear pushes that).
I listened to my titles in masked this morning, my first time with ZP. Updates are screwing with my windows pc, so I downloaded them onto my laptop, accidentally clicking on masked instead of ultrasonic, and my custom was in the standard masked, so I listened. Elixir is in Solace.
I’d like to say nothing’s happening (since that’s safe, untrue, and discloses absolutely nothing about myself), but I’m still uncomfortable trying to diss myself. It’s working on me ignoring me. Nobody else does this to me like I do. Yeah. It’s definitely working.
I almost ended this since, again, that’d be safe.
The root of this is avoiding my fear of abandonment. “If I’m palatable, nice, blah blah, people won’t abandon me”. There is more there. It’s working.