SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#201

May 24, 2022 (cont.)

I was in the kitchen with my daughter and ex, and I told my daughter I wanted to watch a musical with her. Any musical. She instantly piped up, telling her Amazon Echo to play a track from a musical. I’d never heard it before, but she was dancing and singing with it, all in perfect rhyme and rhythm.

Something very unexpected happened while watching her and wishing to know her freedom and joy.

I simply allowed myself to feel it. I had NO idea I had barred that in my life. No idea at all.

While she danced, I quickly looked at things I have been worrying about to see if this affected other areas of my life. As each one popped up, I realized BIG differences.

Finances: No worry
Freedom to grow and live free: No worry
Being myself: No worry
Liking myself: No worries at all

I’ve not allowed myself to feel joy and live free. And I realized this is really possible! I’m still on Stage 1, and this came at the 11th hour. Simply amazing!

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#202

May 25, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd rest day

I just got off the Kahn discussion page, and my mind woke up some. I’ll share this in context of me being at the tail end of Stage 1, moving onto Stage 2 in a week. Some major changes will happen on Stage 2, and I’ve been looking forward to it.

While reading about the Kahn mindset and experiences, I noticed instantly that that’s why I’ve been stalled in financial gains. I’m actually seeing this lack of confidence in myself, spreading outward. I have a small step left to move things forward, but I’ve had no confidence. I’ve kept resorting to looking for others to be my strength, and I can only be grateful for my miner’s patience with me.

I remember being dominant on various alpha subs here. I also remember and feel (now) the inner beliefs and fears which pulled me off of them. Ascension was the only one I never had major mental conflicts on. Emperor? Yes. Kahn? I didn’t have a rough time on stage 1 myself.

I’m gonna go read some of my Kahn journal

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#204

May 25, 2022 (cont.)

I got my response from support this morning, and it was suggested to go ahead and do my washout as scheduled. So I’ll start my 3-day washout tomorrow. But my real reason for following them showed up yesterday.

Yesterday I went hiking with my daughter on a trail we’d never been on. I’d learned while driving with her hours earlier that she knows where to go once she arrives. Street names? No. Just a subtle picture memory of where to go next. We were heading back to the trail start after walking for 2 hours without water, so I was slightly off mentally. We were going to pass this turnoff from the trail, and she said “that’s our path”. I thought it wrong and bantered with her some, and that inner reminder that I’m lacking trust showed up in my gut. She’d not missed anything the entire day, so I chose to follow her lead. It was the right trail. I took it as the most gentle correction that my fear and ego may not always be helping me.

For this reason, I’m going to follow their suggestion. I don’t know what I don’t know.

#205

May 26, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
1st day of 3 day washout

@Saiyan4Blue posted this last month, and it made a lot of sense since I realized I’ve been in recon but hadn’t recognized it. This has been showing via slight headaches, not overwhelming, but consistently present. Headaches have never been a form of recon for me, so I thought.

This is such a contrast to commonly held beliefs about recon. To summarize, he says recon needs to be embraced vs. pushing it away. I realize stuff’s still processing since I’m in washout, so this applies to me right now.

It seriously stops my whining, and it pulls from wisdom. I desire to make it to the other side, and the message is “Go through the sludge to see the other side. Dig in deep, and you’ll be very pleasantly surprised”.

#206

May 27, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd day of 3-day washout

I hesitated writing since it seems DR is still finding roots of me people pleasing. I think somewhat fluently, then feel fear of people saying or doing things in a mean way, and it has so often steered my writing.

Which is strange considering I come here in large part to be social.

So, where I am is I’m feeling much less emotional pain this morning, but it’s just enough where I’m desiring…to “not be here”. Living in imaginary worlds has always been my outlet, so I’ll jump off here since the kids are running around downstairs. They’re fun

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#207

May 27, 2022 (cont.)

I’m in that healing middle-ground. I was just downstairs for a bit with everybody, and the only one who’s uncomfortable to be around is my ex. She blew me off when I showed her a picture of my daughter, and seems to be hanging on fiercely to control her emotional world (I may be projecting…) And I picked up that when I’m near, I throw off her “norm”. Her reaction was and is to double up on busyness, speak louder to everybody, and grab for more control. I got out of the room quietly since it was triggering feelings of rejection in me.

I mentioned a healing middle-ground since I’m actively aware that I could make it all about me and feel sorry for myself, or I could leave the shitstorm, take responsibility for me and my world, accept she’s in her usual “shoot, ready, aim” lifestyle, and expect nothing of her.

That last sentence is what DR’s been doing: showing me the choices I have. For one, the feeling of rejection hasn’t stuck on me like it has in years past. I’ve usually begun some mental scenario of acting out my pain. I saw that choice, but stayed in the present. I’ll likely be torn between the two mindsets today, but at least I have a choice. Awesome :slight_smile:

I wrote this not being in some fantasy mindset. Sweet.

1 Like
#208

May 27, 2022 (cont.)

Tension: gone

I’d gone downstairs to get some coffee and began chatting with my daughter. My ex entered, and I asked if there was anything she needed help with since she’d been prepping for tomorrow’s party here. Nothing needed at that moment, and I hung around, hoping to heal something if possible.

I even looked at my old mindset here in times past. I’ve exited quickly before, mostly in unspoken resentment. I just realized I had a choice to make different choices, so I stayed.

Moments later, my ex asked for help since she was folding towels. I stayed and talked with her about tomorrow, even asking how she felt. Her daughter leaving for college soon is a major change and challenge for her as well, and I opened myself to be sensitive to her. She shared nothing major, but I picked up from her expression that she’d been avoiding this herself. I didn’t linger much after that, but the stress was gone. I’d also conveyed that I understood and cared about the big picture she was facing.

So, I can basically create problems, or I can create safe places. People in this house (all of us) need to know we can relax and feel safe. That’s something I’d want to remember 10 or 20 years from now.

DR is good stuff. Being able to rewrite one’s normal history in the moment is priceless.

2 Likes
#209

May 27, 2022 (cont.)

I just had a unique experience. My daughter’s got a dog she got since her anxiety had peaked a few years back, and he was a companion for her.

Well, I’ve felt kind of raw today (2nd day of washout) but have had few stressors. Presently I’m home alone. Just had some ice cream to soften recon (of course that’s the reason)

Well, recon related, I was walking back from the kitchen, and her dog is snuggling on his own chair. He was staring at me, and I allowed my feelings to surface. My first impulse was…anger. An anger stemming from pain. I continued looking in his eyes while I began scratching his ears, and I felt it.

I was scared. I even said out loud to the dog “what are we afraid of?”, as if he knew the answer.

(it was weird, but I felt detached. It was like me, the me I imagined, and the dog were all in on some private discussion. But this dreamy detachment felt natural due to the pain I was feeling in that moment).

I felt he was peering into my soul. Though he’s a dog, I took it as a person seeking to know who I am. I’ve cut almost everyone else out of my life by avoiding them–and that wanting to know me. His persistent stare made me mad since I took it as him insisting I share who I was. Since I’ve been hanging on to some hope today, I began daydreaming of going through what was needed–and actually finding freedom from these pain-making chains.

The good and bad of this is I’m 2 days away from starting stage 2, the healing stage. I have no idea what to expect, but I have hopes of relief. And strangely enough, I’m not desiring a hushing down of my past and present pain. I’d like something true, something real. I’d like to find true freedom in my world.

2 Likes
#210

May 28, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
Last day of washout

I had a beautiful experience last night. I am becoming “the baby whisperer”. This post might be a novel.

My daughter’s young aunt has been here all this week, and she has 2 boys, one 3 years old, and the other 11 months. The aunt’s youngest is constantly hanging on her almost full-time since she’s a stay-at-home mom.

Well, my ex took her sister out for a girl’s night (only a few hours), and the kids were being cared for by the grandparents, both in their 60’s. I was downstairs minding my own, on my laptop. However, the baby did not stop crying once his mom left. Not once. I heard the grandma trying this, then trying that, all unsuccessfully. She even sought out my daughter who had 2 friends over. She tried, but to no avail. He still wailed loudly.

After maybe 45 minutes, I thought I’d at least make myself available to give them all some rest. I went up, grandma handed him to me, he settled for only seconds, then he resumed wailing and grandma took him back. After standing there with them about 20 minutes, I picked him back up. I had a plan.

He kept pointing out the door, then downstairs, and I obliged him. I knew what he sought, so I followed his pointing. He’d find out mom wasn’t there, and resume crying. I held him firmly, so he couldn’t keep wiggling away. I’d done this roughly 16 years back with my own daughter. I’d read an article sharing how this one nation had the most emotionally secure children, and the reason was they bind their children up and strap them to the mom’s body, likely so she can gather food throughout the day. Researchers had taken this info to see what happened to the kids that made them so secure. It evolved that holding a young child firmly while they cry and thrash sets off some mental and chemical reaction in them. A baby will finally surrender and relax in the arms of his carrier. He knows he’s ok. I still remember my daughter finally giving in and sleeping. She would sleep on my shoulder in the middle of a middle school basketball game after that, no joke.

And he cried and squirmed, wailed and wiggled, and sleep began coming closer to reality. I held him at least 30 minutes, and his breathing finally changed. Cries were only 3-5 seconds apart. I knew I’d succeeded when he finally let his head drop on my shoulder. Within 5 minutes, his breathing became very staggered, showing his exhaustion. He was falling asleep. And seconds later, his mom walked in the door. I whispered to her “perfect timing!”

I felt so proud of myself.

2 Likes
#211

Noticing DR in action:

I’ve been uncomfortable since my last post–and a lot of it is “I’m not supposed to feel good about ANYTHING! I never do anything good.” I noticed @Michel sharing his old thinking while writing in his journal, and that’s mine. I share something good, but I’m feeling the battle within to reject it/dismiss it/discard it.

“Cuz then I’ll be good enough”

I’ve been feeling this for hours. I began writing since I’m strangely aware these are outside beliefs that “I’ve been good and obedient to”. As in…these may not be my thoughts. Someone or something else pushed them on me. DR’s objectives state I’ll be pulled away from them (something like that). Freedom calls out.

These ain’t healthy beliefs.

('tuckey’s rubbin off oun maee)

2 Likes
#212

May 28, 2022 (cont.)

I just wish to put down that I’m getting closer to understanding the wisdom that @Saiyan4Blue spoke about with embracing recon.

Because I’ve experienced a lot of recon on Stage 1, but since most is quite manageable, I made no mention of it. I’ve had a steady influx of mental discomfort lately, and being super-social has not been attractive to me. No, quite the opposite. I’ve been up here on my vacation, without much pressure externally at all. I’ve been having a real draw towards introspection this week.

I’m seeing it in my head like the child I carried in my arms last night. He was fussy, he demanded something I didn’t have power to give (his mom’s presence), but I could apply the wisdom I used with my own daughter when she was his age. The victory for me was sticking with the solution I knew would work. I had a goal to achieve (allow him to surrender finally), and when I achieved that, it meant the world to me.

Like the small child was me, and he needed to be parented and cared for. It symbolized my relationship with myself. Recon is me seeking my own attention and care since I (the small child) have needed some guidance. Meanwhile, the adult me can’t make sense of him in a very practical, image-based culture. (Care for him? Don’t show that to others unless you want to be rejected!) And society very rarely supports or encourages this.

But I was drawn to it. And it’s why I loved parenting my daughter when she was young. I felt like I was caring for myself in those many times of holding her and showing she was valuable to me. I’d do it again, in a heartbeat.

Recon, to me, is the signal that I’m avoiding caring for the (little) me who doesn’t believe he can make it all alone. Recon reminds me to care for me.

1 Like
#213

May 29, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
Listened to Stage 2 and Elixir already

Just finished listening. Had feelings of recon surface a half hour before, which made me insecure about listening. Then I read Hermit outing himself. I identified with the lying part, and still do. Elixir seems to be working on that since I’ve believed myself to be dishonest instantly if needed. Why? A made up story is 100x easier than sharing the real me. And that’s my story. Being “not me” is less scary and painful–but lying hurts me.

Lying hurts me.

I’m waiting on a reply from support since I asked about switching Blue Skies for New Beginnings. I was told it’s possible, but was warned that Blue Skies will make deep changes. Blue Skies I picked up years back due to the self-love aspect. I think it does a lot more, so I’m wondering if it’d be wise with Stage 2.

4 Likes
#214

While reading the support article about recon this morning, I thought of this mental holdup I’ve created. Switching from sub to sub is obvious recon, yes. But switching from module to module? Can’t be!

Nope. That’s me doing mental gymnastics. Subtle recon, all to hold up something–fear related. Good to see. I’ll wait a day or 2 until I have the money and order my St.2 custom.

1 Like
#215

Sometimes recon is making up for lost bricks in the foundation. Holes coverd with paint or whatever veil we subconsiously create to make sense of things we could not deal with. The holes in the foundation will keep bringing discomfort inside the fortress untill a conclusion is reached.

It could be to remove the false veil and accepting the wound. Sometimes its not a serious matter where fortifying the wall can be done instantly. Sometimes it takes time and serious dedication. Sometimes there is nothing else to do but to accept the wound. To. move on while being strong enough to not cover it with another false veil.

The holes i had to accept in my fortress myself is that… i am not special, not particularly smart, strong or even remarkable. To be ok with average as my starting point towards my goals, instead of delusional entitlment of happiness or good fortune.

2 Likes
#216

While reading your post, I found my eyes darting away from reading. The truth was mentally uncomfortable, yet true.

I definitely have holes in my foundation. Further proof showed itself while replying here. I felt this energy building in me to puff up my chest and deny it’s true.

Even that statement makes me aware my foundation is being exposed. The veil of denial has kept insisting on some lie to myself.

However, I remember some having stuck with their DR journey and suddenly realizing “I don’t even think about this ANY MORE!”

And I think of another hypnotherapist who consistently repeats that our subconscious knows how to fill in the gaps and how to heal us. It’s kept us alive.

Thanks for replying @Saiyan4Blue. I truly appreciate it. It gives me hope in my day. Thank you.

2 Likes
#217

May 29, 2022 (cont.)

Filling in some relational holes now. Well, at least not looking away.

Today’s the last full day I’ll be with my daughter up here. I detected when she approached me last night and this morning that she’s still feeling overwhelmed and inundated by everything.

Edit:

I got off this post. I texted my daughter who’s out shopping with the ladies. I told her I sensed she was still feeling overwhelmed. That she feels like she couldn’t make everyone happy with her.

I told her she’s forgiven, loved, and valued for being herself, the only one of her kind.

And I asked her what SHE needed today, that I’d be proud to support THAT.

–she just replied. She said that yes, she still feels very overwhelmed. She’s gonna come back for a nap and maybe go out later for a dog walk.

Taking action. The “little things” matter the most, I believe.

3 Likes
#218

May 30, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 1
1st rest day

I woke up from a dream and I usually don’t remember dreams. The truth of its meaning bothers me.

I was entering an environment with all kinds of possibilities, and I needed to find chaos and fear. Even in the dream that goal seemed difficult. Really.

I then realized my thinking was all chaos and fear. I was looking for a match, even knowing how I could botch up something where I’d find my match.

This spoke volumes to me. That’s why I rarely truly relax. Gotta find my chaos in life.

That’s a truth I rarely admit to anyone.

#219

From the DR objectives:

  • Destroy, heal and transcend any and all societal or self-created limitations, traumas, negative beliefs preventing you from reaching your goals

“Self-created” stuck out to me. I’ve kept these limitations and beliefs in place. I’m looking forward to healing … now. I’m in charge of me…now. I can and do make different choices each and every day.

(feeling kind of nervous) yeah, I’m carrying some beliefs and habits which don’t work well in my life. Smiling now, as I feel DR moving in my thoughts. I’m making new choices now. I’m leaving old ways each and every day.

1 Like
#220

May 30, 2022 (cont.)

I’m in the middle of a whine. A sad whine, unsure of why.

I said goodbye to my daughter today. Got a peaceful ride home with the ex-inlaws. I actually feared coming home since…

Since I come here and push everyone who cares away. That’s why I had no heartfelt desire to enter my lonely room. I felt like a contributor in a big house there. It fed me. Here, a selfish me has often led me around.

Damn.

I was just on @Geoff’s thread, and me writing back connected with me giving to someone again. What’s happening? My default’s changing. I don’t know what to do anymore (no old “safe” default reactions–safe meaning cold)

And “mad” (an old safe response) doesn’t work. I’m sad, and wanting to cry it out. I’ve watched sappy YT videos for the last hour, trying to bring stuff out.

I’m sad…since I’m not in control and honestly wish to let go of stuff.

Maybe Stage 2 is working and I’m just unfamiliar with it. Maybe it’s actually feeling and crying when needed around my daughter. Maybe–no, not maybe–it was me telling my ex’s husband in many different ways that I respect that he’s her husband. She’s not mine anymore. I respected him. I didn’t hide behind the front of anger. I wanted to let go of it. Of my anger. I wanted to stop giving myself pain via anger. I let go. Still letting go.

Damn fireworks go off after one loop. Yesterday morning. It’s 9PM in the evening, a day later. Wow.

4 Likes
#221

May 31, 2022
Stage 2, Cycle 3
2nd rest day

I think giving lessens the imagined pain of rejection. At this moment my emotions seem very fragile. One minute ago a scared part of me tried to get me to not write since I feel so vulnerable.

Why am I writing? I’m writing since just like Stage 1, I do not feel overwhelmed. My heart’s sore, and I could find a reason to cry and flush it out, yet I don’t have that normal wave of fear holding me back, convincing me to hide.

I even actually gave thought to a solution which I have never considered doing before, well, not in the last 10 years. Over the years, Saint and others have preached taking action to lessen the pain of change and recon. I purposely jumped on DR to soften my heart and come to terms with truths I’ve repeatedly hidden from, all so I can feel and be human around others. I’ve blocked love at each and every turn.

I considered…(this is SO weird for me) actually stepping out and helping someone/a group in my town. I’m freaking serious. My heart is imagining me joining a homeless shelter here–to allow my heart to breathe. To give, to share, to not make my life ONLY about me. To feel like a living, breathing person again.

:slight_smile: . Gotta report this. A battle ensued in my thinking. My heart on one side accepting and encouraging change. And on the other side, a proud, scared kid trying to hide from responsiblity using beliefs of helplessness. I felt that clear cry of “I can’t…sob sob…do this!”

I’m going to let this stew. I sense internal change going on. Gonna let this cook.