What’d your reconciliation look like?
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What a day. “Extreme” would be the best word to describe it.
From heavy reconciliation this morning,
to not understanding a VERY GOOD fact from my bitcoin exchange while chatting,
to working with a driver who cares less about anyone else’s life or health when he wants something,
to choosing to go visit a local gym right after work since my subc has been making noise for a while,
to coming home and seeing my miner made a big deposit…
Extreme. Good. It’s life, and wow, what a day. I turned on Regen driving home, but began feeling tense, so turned on EOG solo. Considering loops tonight, but haven’t decided.
Oh, and another big extreme: Iron Throne has been making more noise presently. It’s why I visited the gym after an 11-hour workday (I just priced them). I’d been thinking about it for months, but thought about @Simon’s advice on taking action, so I followed the nudge. I am realizing I’ve been ignoring a LOT of nudges in my life. It’s branching into more of my whole life. When I pay attention, that nudging is constantly prompting me on what to do. Even sharing here. It seems connected.
Truthfully, sometimes nudges have no apparent connection to whatever the very next step is, so they’re easier to ignore. (That’s me dismissing and validating my reasons to ignore nudges (aka desires) )
For example, even listening to classical music while writing here…has old connections. Lots of nudges to play trumpet or horn again these last couple of years. And I hadn’t planned on listening to classical. Connections to an oft-dismissed nudge.
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I ran EOG on loops until around midnight, then slept with it not playing. Got up today feeling Iron Throne, and I got my stuff done sooner than I normally do before leaving for work.
I ran EOG solo in my pocket all day, noticing some brain stress in my final hours at work. I got home, and put PCC on. When I’m stressed, I tend to BS myself more, so I’m trying to see if I’m running it too much, or possibly, I’ve not allowed enough recuperation from me overdoing it last weekend. Still feeling the stress tingles. I’ve never had this, so I admit it.
Right now, I’m seeing I’ve been gaining the thinking of acting more vs. doing nothing. I look at my desk in front of me, rather messy, but my concentration is actually not on the mess; it’s on success. It’s a good feeling, and it has me seeing in my mind what a stress-free environment would look like. A clean desk would be wonderful.
–while writing that last paragraph, some crying began, but it wasn’t usual. No tears. I’m thinking it was from the subliminal stress, or reconciliation, so I stopped PCC. While writing, I thought of @Simon’s words that taking action often is a reprieve from reconciliation.
I will clean my room some tonight. This shit is feeling burdensome the longer I ignore it. I say “No!” to reconciliation.
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Didn’t clean. Extreme tiredness hit me, and I crawled in bed. Means reconciliation is still going on.
Lots of new thoughts popped up when I first dropped.
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The credit for that goes to @Malkuth’s Taking Action thread.
When I use the words reconciliation or reconcile, I’m going by the dictionary meanings.
To me, Reconciliation is a process of elicitation, negotiation, conflict resolution, and decision making… a lot of which, needs to be done consciously. 
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I think I need to focus on the fact that I’m on ST1.
I slept without playing subs last night, and turned EOG and PCC this morning. EOG hasn’t been rough (besides reconciliation from overdoing it recently), but I began floating ideas with feelings since I’m aware I’ve needed to imput some masculinity in my life. I’ve noticed me allowing certain behaviours once again, and in my gut, I don’t want that.
This showed in 2 different conversations yesterday. In both, men made jabs at me, and I laughed, but I knew something wasn’t right. I’d allowed a standard for people to be rude to me. This is really bothering me, and it’s happening at the same time I’m taking action towards retrieving some funds these last 2-3 days. Doors have been closed, then open there. This part is working presently.
But a part of me is in need, that little boy inside. He needs protection. He needs to know I’ll stick up for him. Everyone, I used to be disgusted (uncomfortable at best) when I’d hear people being gooey with their “inner child”. I saw it as a reality way off, far away. But something works for me when I stick up for myself.
I’m getting hotter the more I write. I know today I’ll pull one of the bosses aside today. I won’t ride with the guy I rode with Monday anymore. I’ll let the manager know I won’t report him, make a statement, none of that, as he’s an ex-con and other people’s life and health does not matter. I also won’t share what he did, as it’d be a shitstorm for me. The man’s one more bully I’ve allowed so far. I need to stand up for ME–to speak up for me.
I realized PCC began playing while writing this. I’d read @anon3072973’s sharing about using Emperor, and I’d wondered. PCC is needed mostly I think
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I recommend you check out David Snyder’s videos on youtube. I think they might help you tremendously.
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Here you go. But you should start with something easier first, than move on to things that bug you more profoundly. I did his exercise multiple times, it’s very powerful and easy
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I’m taking 15 minutes to write this. I’ve had reconciliation troubles lately, but me changing is…possible?
I’ve spent most of my life hiding in other’s shadows. I was the weaker, quieter one of my brothers, and I’ve looked for that same role in all male peer relationships.
I began on Ascension here for many months, and honestly, I was still clueless in where I was going. When Kahn came out, it had Total Breakdown, and with my decades long involvement with recovery issues, I jumped on. I think I was on ST1 for 1.5 months. However, it didn’t hit me like I expected, and in fact, most of my strongest Kahn memories show the Core popping up. For example, I’ve never approached a lady to talk with me thinking “we might hook up”. No. Not me. (I listed fear on my EOG “reasons I’d fail”) But my thinking changed on Kahn, and I did do that one day.
I came off Kahn due to my mom falling ill and passing, and I missed it. I came back here still expecting major (aka “instant”) changes. Maybe it was reconciliation, but I pulled off. (Maybe? hmm)
And I jumped on EOG looking for subtle thinking changes. And I was surprized by the “instant” reconciliation I encountered. I’m still facing it–and I am thoroughly stumped. Puzzled. Intrigued. Wondering “am I missing something?”
Why? Because EOG ST1 is pointing out my biggest relational weakness/copout/escape: I am hiding behind others still. At work, I’m really faced on a DAILY basis, even minute by minute. People know me like that, it’s bound with disrespect, and I’m tense and angry frequently.
I didn’t expect the (non-relational) sub to point this out. I feel like a kid stomping his foot, pouting angrily “why do I have to deal with this?!” I smiled while writing that; it’s true.
This is what I expected on Kahn TB, not EOG.
Pouting, whiny Subliminalguy out, I had to write this.
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How long did you listen to Regeneration?
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EoG ST1 and 2 hit me so hard. It was not a fun experience.
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I’d been doing it at night when I ran Emp4, before starting EOG. That was almost a month.
I’ve been doing it very sparingly with ST1 of EOG.
First, it feels very different from ST1, like it’s pulling a different direction. It feels like they’re on 2 separate missions, and since EOG is my main focus, I chose EOG. I want what it offers.
Second (and I only thought of this thinking of your question), Kahn ST1 actually does much, much more than Regeneration. It was likened to reusing the framing of a house vs. demolishing it and rebuilding from the ground up. I’ve never seen a similar comparison of the two ST1’s by Saint or Fire, but if it’s anything like that, I’ll take it.
And today, I got a piece (or peace) of that.
I’ve believed I am so undeserving of standing up for myself. That’s been my core belief. Today, I was scheduled to work with the same guy I worked with last Monday, the bully who gives not a shit about other’s life and health. I had spoken with one manager Wednesday saying I would not work with him.
But this driver is under a different (female) manager. And only she was working today. I saw the posted assignment, went to let the (first) manager to let him know, but he wasn’t in. I stopped at the female manager’s office, but she was talking with someone. She saw me–but the fear, hurt, and anger I’d made my original decision with…was not present.
I decided “let’s do this. Let’s see if something’s changed!”. I wasn’t full of fear, nor full of happy denial. He was actually quiet this morning, and I wondered if someone had spoken to him about last time. I let it go. As the route went on, he tried once to do his “put you down so you’ll cower to me” but I didn’t acknowledge him or react to it. I didn’t hear it again.
Midmorning, a test came on, and it wasn’t hard to hold my ground. After I changed our work responsibilities since he was doing nothing, he had a real temper tantrum since–get this–he thought he had earned some right to do nothing. Again, I didn’t react. He jumped to calling and texting our manager to have someone else do his share. I was like “sure!”, knowing he was full of himself, believing he was entitled. I found it humorous given the facts, never sharing that with him.
It never worked out like he wanted, and I stayed with him. I even had no desire to take it personally, and by midday, he treated me with more respect. I was in a continual mindset of being more mature and responsible for myself, and the rest of the day together was actually positive. No more putdowns. Just relevant conversation about our job and people we know or work with.
So, something changed in me, maybe before or maybe because of ST1. I credit ST1 since it was like nothing else I’d ever done. I felt able to handle myself, and I did. That felt good.
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I come here every morning, wishing and hoping to read something which motivates me. Read something good this morning.
I’m working today, looking to see how I’m different. I listened to EOG all night (I only use ultrasonic).
I have a sense I’m on that edge of change:
Good changes filled with hope for today vs.
Being a resistant, pouty kid, trying to hold on to “what is”
It’s a growth point, mostly subconscious, but my conscious mind is getting more involved. And something that clicked while writing is that the more I try to force my way into changing my subconscious, the harder it’s been for me. Subs change our subconscious mind, the framework we’ve lived by. I remind myself to get out of the way. Yesterday was like that, and it greatly helped.
I trusted the process.
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Regeneration was the more thorough healing tool for me, but I digress…
GOOD FUCKIN’ JOB DUDE. 
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I don’t know about you @subliminalguy, but there is a deep understanding that I got about life.
Often, people have this ideal view of what it is to be a strong man. They think they need to easily handle a barrage of attacks, to calmly deal with annoying people, to stand up to bullies all day long.
But the reality is, this is you using your boundaries to stop something you don’t want from invading your inner space. And the “hidden” truth about boundaries is that they are like a force shield: They run on your internal power battery.
Nobody has an unlimited inner power battery. Each time you say: “No” or stand up for yourself (you or any person in this world), you deplete a huge chunk of your internal energy.
What this also means that people in stressful situations who are dealing with bullies daily will be more exhausted, more stressed, their immune system weaker, and they will age faster and be less productive than people in more peaceful environments.
So rather than trying to be a colossus of strength (which doesn’t exist), the Rambo or Achilles who stands up to invading armies or hordes of bullies by himself (Do you realize those are archetypes of Gods, not humans?), often the right step is to change the environment. To be somewhere where people are nicer.
Basically: the best “revenge” is to live a better life. To transform your existence into one that suits you and where you don’t have to deal with bullies.
Because dealing with bullies, and trying to overcome all the obstacles when you don’t need to just ages the person, exhausts them, and depletes their productive energy to build the life they want.
I remember your main goal was to build your own business and to live freely. That’s the goal to focus on. And the more you may try to become “stronger” in dealing with bullies (which implies you are keeping them in your life), the less energy you’ll have to build that vision of the life you want.
Is that worth it to you, to sacrifice the life you want, just to be a stronger cog in a wheel that isn’t really the wheel you want?
Sometimes, we get too hard on ourselves, and try to live up to unrealistic standards that may not even be serving us right.
What’s your view on this?
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Hey @AMASH. I caught your reply while still working. It angered me at first–but only since I was both running EOG in my pocket AND working with the bully mentioned today. I have been trying to soft peddle the fuckedupness of it, and your reply refused to coddle me. Thank you. I decided to take action for myself.
The female manager was on, and since she’s been lonely and seriously overworking herself, she’s been allowing some guys (mostly alpha dudes) to get to know her. The bully coworker is one. I knew I wouldn’t be able to tell her in person when we returned that I couldn’t work with him anymore (since he’d be with me), so I texted her telling her the same. But since she’s female and a “fixer”, I said I would answer no questions about it. I’ve seen her badger employees for answers, and my reason was I didn’t want to be a snitch.
We returned, and I clocked out. I left, and they were both still there. I began imagining her asking him why I didn’t want to work with him. I’ll see Monday if she snitched on me. I realize she’s comingled with different workers, even joined them when teasing me one time. I’m trying not to sit in tomorrow, as my thinking doesn’t look for the best. It’s worry, nothing else, me fighting tomorrow’s battles.
Note: this guy is a 30 something year old, still acting like a spoiled teenager. He spent a number of years in a Fed penn, still walks the line with those still hustling, and I’m not wishing to be around him at all. He invites trouble into his life, so snitching is not my aim at all. Just not being afraid or miserable accepting shit treatment.
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I was thinking of this truth the beginning of this week. While running EOG, I had this epiphany that “I’ve never once in my life wanted to be the top dog, biggest bully, worst badass”, and I felt completely at peace with that. It felt linked to Stage 2, knowing why I’m here on Earth, so I hung on to it.
You’re right. Being that person takes a LOT of energy–but I’m realizing I don’t want it.
All. Day. Long. Correct once again. Defensiveness stays in my system all day long, and I come home unhappy as well. I allow people to take my peace when I adopt this. I want to be strong for myself, not to fight people in my head or in person all day.
Also, let it be known I read your reply recently that you purposely stick to 1 subliminal at a time. I have numerous titles from SC, even Regeneration, but I’ve been running ST1 solo since that time. I can’t rush the process; no, but I can allow the reconditioning of my thinking. And both EOG and Kahn focus on what we repeatedly think.
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@AMASH, I’m going to answer one of the questions you sent me.
Question: Why am I not good enough?
In respect to today’s happenings, I don’t value myself much—and I consistently look for people to lift me out of my low thinking (which is manipulative) or I look to lift them out of theirs. Both are manipulative, and … it’s a continuation of the Superman syndrome (I made that up) where I’m believing a bullshit front that I’m there for you, when I’m really there for me. It’s codependency on the loose. For that, focusing on you keeps my attention off of me and my own thinking. It’s bullshitting myself finding happiness only in your own. Extreme codependency. Very dependent on you. That’s exactly how I’m thinking at work. Exactly. I’ve been dependent on anyone else for my happiness.
Me accepting shit treatment is consistently overlooked, for I always look for some goodness (as some is always found), some love, some rescue. If I find none, I often go and hide in my thoughts, finding something good there.
In relating to today, I will be angered by someone loudly believing they’re valuable. I think the loudness bothers me, not the truth. I equated being loud with dominance, conflict, and danger. The bully, a loud dominating man, represented danger on every front of my life.
Hmm…why? Because I believed that I wouldn’t be freely loved if I was loud about it–or if I openly asked for it. I needed my brothers’ attention, acceptance and love (no father), so taking from them was always seen as a threat to me receiving love. I believed I was dependent on them. I learned “this is how male relationships work for me” In modern life, I’ve tagged myself with men hoping I’d assist them in finding their own answers. But my own answers? (“Why would I do that?” I think") How? Why? Who cares? My god-figure (Mom) didn’t. So I don’t look for it in women either. I see no/low standards…and feel more at home. Something’s really fucked up there. But I won’t erase it. (Kahn began to challenge those beliefs. I knew I was in unnavigated waters while running Kahn.)
What I realize and am seeing again and again and again…
is that I see some habit or pattern which I KNOW isn’t good for me. What I’m not seeing or maybe not BELIEVING is what IS good for me. “Fuckedupness” is found all around me. What does peace, love, and emotional security look like?
Rather…what do I think it looks like? (I’ve not been looking)
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