Washout day 2
I’m starting to remember dreams. All my life, I’ve rarely remembred my dreams.
I actually had a scary dream. This is unique to me since I’ve always heard people talking about these monumental dreams. Not me. Nada. And never a scary dream.
I felt like I was hearing my subconscious speak to me. I still am.
Going back to sleep now.
I was just reading the Phoenix sales page. I felt like I was in a movie. I want the very things it speaks of.
I could literally go on and on, but one thing stands out strong to me–that we won’t need to keep going back to old ways and self-beliefs.
"To further empower this transformative process, we have integrated a mechanism that not only assists in letting go of your past but also actively reshapes your beliefs, viewpoints, and cognitive patterns at the moment of release. This dynamic feature ensures that the old patterns are not just discarded but are replaced with new, empowering perspectives and thought processes. It’s a proactive approach to personal growth, ensuring that each step forward is solidified with positive cognitive restructuring.
This comprehensive enhancement guarantees that a return to past limitations is not just unlikely, but impossible."
Those are things I’ve only dreamed about in the healing world.
Phoenix hit today.
It hit the very things I rely on for a sense of security: people being pleased with me.
I’m even unsure how to write now…since I take great effort to appear …???..can’t finish that sentence.
There’s some hope in this. In the sales page it says taking action is what helps me heal. I’m aware I can change things. I sensed that even while feeling low. I was in control of my actions.
No matter what hits, I have choices in front of me.
I did my first loop of 5 minutes on Sunday morning, and it’s Tuesday evening. This is a powerful sub.
After writing that, I had a sense of why some delete their posts right after writing. For me, I feel whiny, and I don’t want to share those little “why’s”. This is truly working on me in real-time.
I was just reading the Phoenix sales page, and I quickly reminded on the use of heat metaphors in the writing.
I actually felt emotionally hot (stirred up) today when the program was zoning in on my weak spots. I began getting angry–but I felt untied to it. I normally hold on to anger since I use it to distract myself. But today, no. I wasn’t stuck to it. I’ve never done that using my normal survival strategies.
Washout day 3
Feeling a fear of facing something this morning. Unsure of what. I’d made plans to jump up and get out.
I tried distracting myself by reading. Still almost locked up emotionally.
In my mind, I’m looking down at my body. But it’s old thick dead wood. I’m picking at it slowly and carefully. I’m numb. I don’t see its use.
It’s protecting me. I’ve held to it since it’s protected me from pain. I feel a sadness too. I imagine me bleeding to death if I take it off.
And then the blood becomes water. Tears. Vulnerability.
This is me. These are fears I’ve had, believing I’d never be able to recover. Never stop crying.
Having memories of 30 years ago. I was 19, wishing to go to a psyche hospital. I looked at 2. I wanted to go through this head on, handling it completely.
I didn’t have the money. Sat with it. Tried to swallow it. It was hell. I just needed a release.
Life went on. The pain sat. No release. I haven’t had a release like that in 20 years. I desire one.
Crying as awareness comes.
I’ve stayed in a similar mindset all these years since I’ve obeyed an internal voice.
You can’t. You can’t. You can’t.
Change wasn’t allowed. It was seen as dangerous. And I thought this would keep me safe. I’ve tried to be invisible in life.
But Phoenix is changing something. I feel it while writing.
I’m having a rough evening. In the only way I think I can say it, it feels like Phoenix has been wrestling my mind all night. Like it’s got it in some headlock and is waiting for it to say ‘uncle’.
I’ve been reading your entries from the past week and it seems like you’re making excellent progress with some very profound introspection.
There is a major breakthrough waiting for you on the other side of this struggle/recon.
You got this 
Phoenix is no joke. I’m liking it so far. So many changes in such a short time. New thoughts, new attitudes - I’m loving it.
Day 4 of washout
Yeah. I’m inching closer to seeing how I treat myself, because that’s what I’ve been in denial about.
I usually see something in myself and am not greatly affected, but this is difficult since I’ve been denying it so long. I’ve been fighting to remain unaware.
@driver is right. This is no joke. It’s been challenging and weakening the iron wall of denial I’ve hid behind.
And I’m glad. I’m seeing how I’ve been punishing myself in secret for so long. As fucked up as that is, it’s still truth.
A month or two back, I was on Regeneration, and one day I had this part of me show up and all I could do was cry. It was like the curtain was pulled back, and I heard this weeping voice saying over and over “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry” He wanted forgiveness. I was stunned.
Today, I’m going out, hopefully finding some connections, some “a ha” moments. I don’t know what I’m heading into…and part of me doesn’t want to know.
But this self-blaming and self-harming has to stop. That’s why I’m in a wrestling match.
Something I should admit. I know others who have been quiet about it too.
I was on the New Emperor and WB this last cycle. And almost on a daily basis, it shook my comfort zone. I’ve lied to myself so often and so regularly that it kept colliding with a more vulnerable truth.
It makes sense why Saint said he didn’t see a need for healing titles anymore.
It hit daily. Without mercy sometimes.
It wasn’t about the deepest issues. It was about real-life scenarios, how I coped, and it hurt. That made me adjust frequently. And I have no regrets with it.
But on washout, those effects are often louder, and I’m looking for where Emperor and WB are blooming now. The NSE changed EVERYTHING
Day 1
Phoenix last night
Phoenix is at work. I’m looking for familiar fantasies, common hideouts, and it’s not working.
Writing is difficult too. Started writing yesterday. Twice. Realized I just wanted other’s approval.
Correction: I wanted what was familiar.
I’m gonna allow Phoenix to work.
Day 2
Rest day
I’ve always pulled out of the spotlight since I wanted to be perfect, and when I compared myself to others, I downplayed my worth. I bring that past truth up since when I’ve felt imperfect, I’ve withdrawn from relationships like in the forum here, with all friends I’ve known, and of course, my own birth family. I equate being discovered as imperfect with shame, that belief that says “I AM bad”. Not “I’ve done poorly”, just an overall pasting of no self-worth onto myself.
I’m going to just write realizations today since I’ve been having some all morning.
I’ve kept coming here in fear, imagining pure rejection and abandonment were I not perfect–or at least helpful to someone else. I grew up dependent on others approval since I, for some reason, believed other’s approval was more powerful.
And I can feel Phoenix working on those beliefs, which is why I post them.
Phoenix has been significantly quieter so far vs. all other SC healing subs I’ve used, and I’ve used them all except HeartSong and the updated Kahn St. 1. But I have seen it moving me unlike any of the others have done.
Case in point: taking action. On Emperor, for example, I’ll feel this quick push to get busy in things I’ve obviously avoided. But with Phoenix, I say “holy shit!” It’s not a madhouse of activity. What it IS is prompting me to take actions associated with some daily fears I avoid.
I realized I’ve imagined my housemate being all mean, nasty, and ultimately rejecting, so I’ve stayed clear. Far away. But Phoenix worked on something different. When I confronted other internal fears this last week, I had an unforgettable experience. For roughly 15 minutes, I WAS FREE. I WAS COMPLETELY FREE FROM FEAR! It was a dream come true, and I aim to feed that freedom moreso today and in days to come.
This morning, I deducted that I’d been trying to face my fears, some of which I did in my mind, and I had a grand showing that it works if I work it.
So, I got up earlier than usual, and even talked to my housemate freely about holiday plans and arrangements. I even asked him if he needed anything before I went shopping. My fears have grown mostly when I’ve fed them with more reasons “I am right”, even when I’m just scared. So, I stepped into some fears this morning, and I paid attention to my inner world while at it. Yep, fear is louder when I validate it, and it was much quieter this morning.
Listening to this piano rendition of U2’s “With or Without You” right now, making me think of high school. Music was freedom to me in those years.
I’m not trying to bring you down with this comment, but I just want to make sure you aren’t putting all this on yourself. As a third party observer, your housemate seems disrespectful from the brief snippets you’ve wrote here about him. Are you saying those experiences were distorted or imagined in your head?
Something that’s hard to understand about abusive people. They aren’t abusive all the time. Their kinder side isn’t some side that you can bring out to the surface more or just re-establish your relationship with them by doing something different on your end. They’ll just move back to their shitty ways if that’s what they want to do.
I just noticed from your posts you’re hesitant around him. That very rarely comes from imagination. If you don’t feel safe around someone that’s A.) because their behavior reminds you of something you experienced in the past or B.) you’re tuned into behaviors that you’ve determined violate your own personal boundaries.
Again I’m not trying to bring your growth down on this sub because it sounds like it’s working really well. I just wanted to check in because he doesn’t really sound like a healthy person to be around.
Thanks for seeking clarification @Fractal_Explorer.
First off, those fears I confronted last week were all when I was alone at work. No confrontation or anything of that sort. I just had time and willingness to address what was bothering me. Childish fears and thinking make me think it’s all my fault. But it wasn’t.
Now, here at home, I know he can be abusive if allowed, but I’ve also learned from many different interactions with people that I can, and have, set the stage for abusive behavior.
The main difference I’m experiencing now is I look to own my part first (to myself) when I’m mad at him. Did I expect him to be mean? Did I come in with a “fuck you” demeanor, wanting to piss him off? Did I set the day’s stage with him, or is he just venting at things which triggered him during his day?
I’m not responsible for his immature demands. I’m just responsible for myself and keeping clear of him when his expectations are making him an absolute ass.
Because we’re playing in the exact same game of power with each other. My part is to be aware of what’s running in my own head. That’s the only thing I have control over.
Sounds good. Just checking in to make sure you’ve got a good handle on the situation, which sounds like you do.
This caught my eye though. How do you feel you set the stage for abusive behavior?
My motive in engaging hostile people is me desiring attention, any at all. So I’ve read people, and sometimes the only thing they can offer is negativity and criticism. Quite simply, I’ve spent the vast majority of my life either living up to people’s expectations (much more desired now), or living down to them. My housemate grumbles about something (anything) daily, so if I feed that story that “I’ll fail you too”, I invite abusive talk and treatment. I didn’t actually deserve it; I just filled his trough of despair further, allowing him to complain and criticize.
I’ve written that above while realizing Phoenix is nixing out those “required” beliefs and behaviors to fulfill other’s expectations of me, good or bad. Being metaphorical now, I had 10,000 rubber bands tying me to such beliefs before. Now I only have a few hundred. This was my old standard.
But I am still reconciling that I’m not like that anymore, really. I have a choice. Before, I went there uncomfortably but under demand by my subconscious to keep me “safe”. It was the belief that “doing the thing with known consequences will keep me safe.”