Aug. 5, 2023
Genesis and DRLD
Day 2 of 2nd cycle
I started this journal a week ago, then scrapped it. I know writing here challenges an old comfort zone, and that’s why I’m writing. DRLD and Genesis have been working on a limit I’ve held on to, and that’s being nice.
holding back from speaking up
keeping everything inside
avoiding change and challenges from something new and unknown
playing safe and avoiding risks in every part of life
Yeah, a few weeks back I realized that avoiding risk and change was and is the major pain-maker in my life. DRLD and Genesis are having a direct impact.
A Landmine At Home
2 nights ago I came home from work, starting small chit-chat with my 91 y.o. housemate. It quickly became another rant by him about my failures which I honestly don’t give a fuck about.
But I stood there. I allowed it. I even had a smile on my face. Realized later that’s me avoiding my anger.
Anger was growing in me, but I kept it down. Common sense after that ended told me that I was in pain because of my own reluctance to allow anything I was feeling. It was the end of my last washout day, and I chose to listen to a full loop of DRLD.
I became LIVID. I knew DRLD had taken the lid off my anger, and I was absolutely pissed. I kept to my room.
I knew something to be true: I was angry at my life and situation because I had not acted when it was needed. I fumed in my head at him a while, but he wasn’t responsible for my choices. I’ve been throwing blame at anyone who reminded me of my failings for eons, but that avoidance loophole didn’t work (thank you CFW).
And it hasn’t. Taking responsibility for this pissed me off. Yet I’m owning the stank belief I’ve avoided time and time and time again.
For me, that’s a major change. A course correction. 2 days later I still feel edges of anger because changes still need to be made.
I’ll share a Genesis development in my next post.