Aug. 22, 2023
Genesis is letting me see my shadow self. I’m not being theoretical. I am uncomfortable sharing, but part of me is very excited.
I’ve shared my recent attraction to the sexual subs. What I’ve not shared is I listened to a loop of Primal Sunday. That desire is still growing.
But it was yesterday’s thread that jolted me, the “review” of WB. It was actually Saint’s reply that hit me. He clearly pointed out that people can choose to do dumb and self-harming things when they’re actively avoiding their shadow self.
Fuck. I could relate. Really fucking relate.
Avoiding has been a major life goal of mine. Being “nice” is how I sit in lala land, hoping this fantasy will come true someday.
But closer to home, I saw something which has triggered anger and rage. Fuck, this is true.
I’ve shared how my 91yo housemate always has the TV on. It’s stirred me to anger quickly without me knowing the connection. I saw the reason for it this morning.
My mom ALWAYS had the TV on. But she was sane? Normal? Functional? No, not really.
My mom was a hider. Hiding traumas, hiding emotions, hiding her desires–from HERSELF as much as from us (which I do too). She used alcohol almost every day of her adult life to distract her. She raised 4 kids without outside help, less welfare.
But shadow selves. I have an uncomfortable memory of when my mom was still alive (2019). She was late 70’s, but she looked mid-90’s. I was visiting her, and for some reason, she started openly sharing about past sexual relationships and desires. My mom was sharing how horny she was, even saying how she wished one of the guys in neighboring apartments could come “service” her.
Now, this had NEVER been talked about before. Never. I did not know how to handle “mom” right then. Never in all my years had she revealed it. It does show that desires that are constantly buried will spill out eventually.
I also wonder if that, in part, may have pushed her to drink and dodge life. She never dated.
Yep. I’m seeing this while writing. I live similarly.
So what’s been triggering me?
Do I hide? Yes
Do I avoid confronting this? Duh. Every day.
And I see that hiding in my housemate. It enrages me since it mirrors that I’ve been hiding too.
Staying on Genesis, listening now. I’ve wondered about EB. But sex and those desires have been showing up too. I need help not following the fears.
Lastly, I’ve had a fear of… being a grown-up here, of taking responsibility for myself. Not exposing THAT is why I don’t write sometimes. Hiding here, or anywhere, is easy when you don’t know what’s running me. Or when I don’t know what’s running me. Because the adults I knew while growing up were just kids in hiding. Mature adults were an enigma to me.