Changes - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#21

@RVconsultant

  1. Prior 7 days: Genesis and AC (1ce/week). About a week back I listened to Stark hoping it would build up the small business focus. Stark’s focus is much grander, so I didn’t stick with it.

  2. 2 weeks sounds very grounded and very desirable. I’ll make sure I note it in my journal too.

  3. WB would be fun, but I’d be using it for distraction. So… not now. It’s not my goal.

EB is also almost a distraction as well. Let me explain.

I went back to my first SC journal this morning, my Ascension and Rebirth journal. I read through it, remembering and feeling what came up.

The biggest thing I pulled out was “I found my independence”. I admitted in my journal numerous times how I was living so dependently on others, and I struggled with breaking that off. I even felt dependent on the healing world since it’s filled with outs and escapes. I didn’t believe in myself and didn’t think I could handle this.

I miss that independence, knowing I’m not bound to other’s desires for me. I think Genesis really focuses on separating from that.

I was also very focused on my mental and emotional direction using Ascension. I would like to stack Ascension with Genesis 3 weeks from now. Because focus is what I need right now.

I had clear results with Ascension. I’d like to believe in myself again.

Edit: For #1, I missed DR St.1 for the last 2 listening days

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#22

Okay. Am I understanding correctly that you plan on running Genesis solo for 2 weeks?

Let’s suppose I understood correctly and your plan is to run Genesis solo for 2 weeks. Then you get to 3 weeks from now. How would you know if maybe you should NOT add Ascension?

This is what it should have done.

Okay. What are your thoughts about setting DR aside versus adding it back in?

If you set it aside, how would you know when might be a good time to add it back in?

If you did run it as perhaps a third title, what about running it once a week?

#23

Another thought:

I’ve wondered about your thoughts on the importance of developing a strong emotional foundation.

Titles such as Genesis and Ascension should help with that.

DR:LD and DR could help by removing emotional garbage that’s holding you back.

What are your thoughts?

#24

Yes, starting tomorrow, I’ll stick to Genesis solo for 2 weeks.

My first thought of choosing to not run Ascension would be me being overloaded and just seeking some emotional distraction of sorts.

But in the email I posted above, I mentioned that Ascension was not violent or drastic at all. It builds slower, but steadily. I don’t remember any “OH SHIT!” moments with it.

In fact, I’ve been thrown more emotional curveballs by Genesis since it pushes for honesty with myself. Genesis pushes me out of my comfort zone more than I ever remember Ascension doing.

That deserves some discussion. My gut actually began shaking while writing (like I was starting to cry) since I’ve relied upon avoiding truth often; being truthful with myself takes courage, yes, but sometimes all it takes is someone asking direct questions.

#25

DR is an emotional deep dive I should probably hold off on for a while. Genesis has an ability to open up and address some long-ignored wounds by itself.

When to bring it back in? Ideally, when I feel more confident and capable to face truths in my life. I’m not sure how and when that’ll happen, but building myself up via encouraging subs is one possibility (Ascension and Genesis).

Once a week? That’s something I’ve never done with subs, besides with AC. Considering its breadth, could it actually be beneficial? I’ve not followed other’s DR journals closely, so I ask.

I’m also thinking of @Sub.Zero’s strategies, of using specific subs to address a ‘missing link’. Like using Primal for both masculinity and relational needs. Or WB for self-love and self-esteem reasons (along with healing sexuality issues).

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#26

My last 2 experiences with DRLD were rough, and I believe it was since I did full 15 minute loops.

I had unusual headaches, which are very uncommon for me. 1 minute loops should be plenty next time. I felt overloaded.

Related here: I’ve been falling back into a powerless mentality where I live. Expecting a no from my housemate for things I’m afraid to request. If I wanted to move out I could. I’d just regret not facing him–or myself. That’s been bothering me all week.

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#27

Okay, this gets me back to thinking of building a strong foundation first. Perhaps with both Genesis and eventually Ascension. What do you think?

Regarding DR:

Back to this idea of a strong foundation.

Listening to DR once a week:

Yes. I’ve seen journals indicating the people running a program once a week can get results. My hope is that with something such as DR, it would be more gradual.

Good idea. The missing link might be different after a few months of Genesis and Ascension.

A case in point for the microloops. I find microloops weird. For example, five minutes seems to work well for me. But 30 seconds can feel VERY weird in a bad way.

HOWEVER, perhaps if you were to attempt DR or DR:LD again (maybe after a few months of Ascension and Genesis), I would encourage you to consider starting off with 30 seconds. Then perhaps work up to 3 minutes.

What do you think of all this?

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#28

I like the idea since we’re both on the same page.

My gut has felt locked up since yesterday when I listened to Genesis and DR. Something’s being processed, for sure. I’m watching a movie now, desiring some release. I even shed some tears when I began writing here.

I look forward to feeling comfortable in my own skin again.

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#29

Aug. 14, 2023
Day 1 of 14
Genesis this morning

@RVconsultant, wow. I think you were right about finding success with doing DR once a week.

Like I shared yesterday, my gut’s been locked up since I did DR and Genesis Saturday. I didn’t see or expect anything good to happen. I was just locked up, and unaware why.

I slept really lightly last night, which is unusual for me. But in my light sleep, something came to me.

I’ve worked for the company I’m with for 8 years, a full-time employee for 5. I originally got my commercial driver’s license permit before I was ever even hired. This is what they seek, as driving is how they make money. And they send me to their driving school on their dime if I get the permit.

However, I passed on becoming a driver for them early on. I did have some investments doing well, and I fantasized about leaving them as soon as it grew enough. Well…that’s what I told myself. However, I didn’t see the belief I was living out. What I’m about to share is directing every area of my life.

I believed I would fail if I tried. I’ve seen myself as one who fails. I live it out everywhere I go. I don’t date due to this. I’ve not maintained my vehicles I’ve owned. I’ve really lived down to these beliefs, again and again, ad nauseum. I lived out failure.

But this morning, I woke up with a new thought. Getting my license would…actually be EASY. I saw myself doing it and living out that new reality.

That’s when I realized I was living out the failure belief. I know Genesis has strong success scripting, but I think DR tagteamed with Genesis to challenge these hidden beliefs of mine.

I’ve known these beliefs were active since I paid to restart my crypto trading program last week… but I’ve not even started trading. It’s all automated bots. I’ve not enabled the bots. Something was holding me back.

So yeah, these beliefs have been running everything in my life. I’m glad DR did some chipping away at it.

This is awesome!!!

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#30

What do you think about running DR stage by stage, listening to microloops of less than 5 minutes per week, at 2 months per stage? Once you get to stage 4, continue on for perhaps a total of 3 months, then re-evaluate?

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#31

That’s a solid idea.

I didn’t reply yesterday since I felt vulnerable. I still do. I keep looking for my old norm…but I’m fascinated by this new reality.

In short, I keep looking for a hideout while being attracted to something else.

I even watched a movie last night that coincidently was about a woman learning she needed to allow people in. She grew up an Army brat, constantly moving, always saying goodbye.

I’m no Army brat, but I could really relate. That’s where I am now. Feeling young, feeling desiring of intimacy, but habitually pushing most people away.

Groaning emotionally here. Allowing things in. Tears coming and going. Gotta run. I will shed tears today

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#32

For me, this is a weird day. Not bad. But definitely different.

I wasn’t weepy like I assumed I’d be. I didn’t dwell on those morning thoughts long.

I found myself accepting nothing but my truth in both real and imagined conversations. I didn’t struggle being honest with myself. And most other days I do. An example would be seeing any coworker and quickly looking for an appropriate mask to wear. Today, I wore no masks. No phony fronts. I even avoided one man who I usually wear masks around. Different.

And the last one I’m still thinking about. I went to a dollar store for eggs and ice cream (uh huh). I saw this cashier while I was walking in. She saw me, smiled, and said hello. I replied the same. I kept walking. Got my stuff, and I chose to not avoid her (I usually do self-checkout). I joked about my purchases, saying they balanced each other out. She spun the plastic bag roulette, it made a cool sound, and we both made jokes about it.

I’ve done this before with chatty cashiers, but I didn’t expect her last line. She freely and enthusiastically said “I’ll be here all night!” I was already heading out the door when she said that…

And I didn’t turn around. A mixture of thoughts and feelings hit me, my body was in “get me out of here” mode, yet an unscared part of me wanted to consider this. To look. To allow it. It seemed too spontaneous…but this had me.

The truth is that in that moment I avoided a quickly imagined failure. I instantly saw and felt myself whimpering out of a potentially successful interaction. I took the easy way, the “safe” and known way–I just vacated.

I had no mask, no “known” front to wear. I’m usually wearing one.

And now, an hour later, I’m excited since I’m feeling brave enough to try again. Kind of terrified too.

This makes no sense, but also makes all the sense in the world. I feel like Genesis is ripping off scales. And I’m growing skin. A skin that’s actually ME.

It’s different. Fun. Exciting. New. Challenging. A full-time adventure. I’m on a flippin’ ride.

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#33

Aug. 16, 2023
Day 3 of 14
2 loops of Genesis this morning

I’m paying attention to my thoughts and feelings today, and I’m guessing what’s happening with Genesis.

I’m feeling braver about things, as it’s pushing through. But looking through user’s Genesis journals yesterday, I was reminded that transmutation is incorporated in too.

I’m curious if that’s why I’m not being sidelined by fears and strong emotions, the same that have held me for ages. I’m loving this.

Gotta run. Wanted to write something.

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#34

Aug. 17, 2023
Day 4 of 14
Rest day

I’ve been avoiding writing (about 3 times today). I’m so used to coming here with some front, some mask.

And I’m resisting that.

I don’t feel strong necessarily. Putting on a mask takes so much effort. But it feels wrong. Dishonest. I’m (secretly) hoping you’ll see me fighting when…all I’ve ever really done is fight myself.

Change is happening.

—I just connected this: “being real means I’m weak…vulnerable”.

Yep. Genesis is working.

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#35

Aug. 18, 2023
Genesis and AC this morning

I’ll say this. This last month I’ve been strangely drawn to sexual titles. I’ve considered WB weeks back since it was recommended by another before RV’s suggestion. And I’ve been on the KB page a while now.

I’ll share this. I’ve always felt inadequate relationally. I’ve seen myself failing (I’ve felt myself failing, actually) whenever imagining real conversations and interactions with women.

Genesis is making me curious and it seems to be opening a door I’ve had intense fear of opening before.

Even writing that stirred up old fears and defenses.

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#36

Aug. 19, 2023
Day 6 of 14
Rest day

I’ve been in some emotional recon today. Rest days really allow this for me. I had a non-traumatic memory come this morning. I started writing, but scrapped it since I felt like I was losing normal control of my emotions.

But everything below this I wrote to someone else who’s been using Genesis himself.

"Genesis has a good measure of self-love in it. Surprisingly, but not surprisingly, my mind’s been resisting it.

And it keeps digging deeper (well, I’ve been willing to look deeper) since I’ve wanted to find the roots and reasons I keep thinking in a self-hating way.

And I stumble and fumble when I look too long. It’s like I feel like I’m going to lose something when I go there. I quietly panic and quickly go into denial or avoidance mode.

I remembered childhood memories this morning, seemingly unconnected to trauma. I wanted to stay with them, but “avoidance due to responsibility” took over (I was getting ready for work).

That’s where I am now. I sensed this memory was tied to some present truths.

I’m just not sure how to handle it…well, besides digging in more.

And that’s just desperate logic. I am going to relax now."

#37

When thinking about the swirl of emotions this morning, one word keeps popping out:

Identity

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#38

This feels scary.

Aug. 20, 2023
Haven’t listened yet, but it’s listening day
Day 7 of 14 doing Genesis solo

I just got back from a walk, something I’ve rarely done in this location, and I’ve been wanting to get out some. I’d been on the Genesis thread prior to that, allowing my heart to be open while others shared what was really happening in their lives via Genesis.

I thought of numerous things while walking. I’ve been in old fear lately. I realized this because I was remembering my Ascension days after being on it for months. I absolutely loved how it projected a confidence and assurance that I’d get through anything. It had a heavy focus on external changes, and I relished it. I always had confidence when going out in public since I experienced people noticing the courageous me I’d hoped to be one day.

And I see a difference since I’m on Genesis solo right now. Genesis, despite its external auras and social ease, focuses heavily on inner change. Changing my inner landscape. It’s been challenging and kicking my inner comfort zone. It’s been nudging and pushing on things I’ve chronically avoided changing or stirring up like family beliefs and old monuments I’ve sworn myself to protecting. I’ve never challenged them. And my reason, from an inner child perspective, is that “they won’t love me/include me/value me if I break that familial belief. That tradition”

Fear is what keeps this in place. It’s always been to keep me “safe” from worst-case scenarios. I should note that lately I’ve noticed an old Ascension connection. On Ascension I found myself prepping for worst-case scenarios…and repeatedly… …those situations never happened like I’d expected. Again, and again, and again. In the last few weeks I’ve found myself prepping for bad situations, but when it was time to face them… they didn’t happen. Just like on Ascension. I’ve had 3 or 4 times this has happened in the last few weeks.

And that fear of change is challenged as I sit here. These situations I’ve avoided since only bad things would result–have been in place due to an unrealistic fear.

Action: the answer

What am I afraid of?
How am I currently coping with it?
Is my coping strategy making me happy, or is it making me sad?

If I actively challenge the fear by acting in something … then maybe I’ll see the truth. Because fear always screams it’s the truth. I grew up with that belief, and I’m still guided by it. Maybe I have a choice. Yeah (seeing myself doing dance moves in my head)

My biggest fears lately: making more money, and committed relationships with women.

I’ve been stalling on taking one step with my crypto trading platform. I’ll challenge that today.

And women…I’d love to be around women. I’d like this exposure to be more than going out to do grocery shopping. Where? I know women often go to church, but I don’t want to be a stalker. Where?

I’ll stew on that one. Opportunities arise often if I look for them (this happened on Ascension too)

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#39

I made one move already. Action makes more action desirable

#40

Aug. 22, 2023
Listening day

Genesis is letting me see my shadow self. I’m not being theoretical. I am uncomfortable sharing, but part of me is very excited.

I’ve shared my recent attraction to the sexual subs. What I’ve not shared is I listened to a loop of Primal Sunday. That desire is still growing.

But it was yesterday’s thread that jolted me, the “review” of WB. It was actually Saint’s reply that hit me. He clearly pointed out that people can choose to do dumb and self-harming things when they’re actively avoiding their shadow self.

Fuck. I could relate. Really fucking relate.

Avoiding has been a major life goal of mine. Being “nice” is how I sit in lala land, hoping this fantasy will come true someday.

But closer to home, I saw something which has triggered anger and rage. Fuck, this is true.

I’ve shared how my 91yo housemate always has the TV on. It’s stirred me to anger quickly without me knowing the connection. I saw the reason for it this morning.

My mom ALWAYS had the TV on. But she was sane? Normal? Functional? No, not really.

My mom was a hider. Hiding traumas, hiding emotions, hiding her desires–from HERSELF as much as from us (which I do too). She used alcohol almost every day of her adult life to distract her. She raised 4 kids without outside help, less welfare.

But shadow selves. I have an uncomfortable memory of when my mom was still alive (2019). She was late 70’s, but she looked mid-90’s. I was visiting her, and for some reason, she started openly sharing about past sexual relationships and desires. My mom was sharing how horny she was, even saying how she wished one of the guys in neighboring apartments could come “service” her.

Now, this had NEVER been talked about before. Never. I did not know how to handle “mom” right then. Never in all my years had she revealed it. It does show that desires that are constantly buried will spill out eventually.

I also wonder if that, in part, may have pushed her to drink and dodge life. She never dated.

Yep. I’m seeing this while writing. I live similarly.

So what’s been triggering me?
Do I hide? Yes
Do I avoid confronting this? Duh. Every day.

And I see that hiding in my housemate. It enrages me since it mirrors that I’ve been hiding too.

What now?

Staying on Genesis, listening now. I’ve wondered about EB. But sex and those desires have been showing up too. I need help not following the fears.

Lastly, I’ve had a fear of… being a grown-up here, of taking responsibility for myself. Not exposing THAT is why I don’t write sometimes. Hiding here, or anywhere, is easy when you don’t know what’s running me. Or when I don’t know what’s running me. Because the adults I knew while growing up were just kids in hiding. Mature adults were an enigma to me.

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