Changes - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#41

Aug. 23, 2023
Rest day

I woke up with recon this morning. No recon from Genesis. It’s from Primal, which I listened to yesterday after work.

My original plan yesterday was to listen to it and return to the store I went to last week where that cashier was, thinking my confidence and aura would be strong. That didn’t happen. While driving there, I suddenly had this intimate awareness of God, and I asked Him to come closer. Mind you, this hasn’t happened in years, and I followed my heart.

I had a programmed thought of questioning my heart, so I went to a different store.

It was just so random and unexpected, so I followed it.

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#42

I had the most amazing experience today.

I listened to Primal yesterday. It’s only been the second loop i’ve had. But what showed up today was very, very unexpected.

There’s a girl in our department that i’ve been honest with a few times. She’s got a real open heart, and it’s easy to talk to her. I was helping her load a truck this morning and I suddenly felt a desire to share what I was thinking and feeling. I turned to her and spilled it.

In just a few sentences I shared that I realized I was becoming willing to be in a relationship again. I thought it kind of strange, but at the same time I thought it was exciting. She was really encouraging.

What hit me after I loaded her truck was amazing. I felt confident and strong enough, even desiring to be that committed, encouraging, and supportive mate with another.

I felt I was that person.

I felt so competent and so completely capable of doing this. To summarize the feeling, it would be “I would do ANYTHING for a woman I loved!”

This is coming from a man who’s not dated anyone at all in 12 years.(Me and my ex separated in 2011 and divorced in 2014). Primal is doing some serious unseen work, and I am loving it!

After work I even went back to the dollar store with the cashier who’d vocally invited me back last week, but she wasn’t working. I tried. There’s lots of fish in the sea :wink:

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#43

Nice, Primal Power! It was the first sub I ever bought from subclub.

3 Likes
#44

Aug. 24, 2023
Genesis this morning, Primal when I got home

I’ve avoided writing. I wrote of that success around my female coworker two days ago, and honest to God, I’ve feared communicating anything LESS than stellar. I’ve both wanted and not wanted to wear a mask. It’s succumbing to lying again, lying to myself mostly, and I couldn’t do it.

That’s less than stellar, but I didn’t lie.

I’ve noticed small childhood fears rising–and my default reaction is to IGNORE it. Avoid it. Let it “go away”. Seems like lying to myself without others knowing.

My fears? Damn. The stuff I’ve never challenged. Specifically, it’s being angry at someone when I’ve been too chicken to just say something to him. Fearing changing a childhood dynamic that would/could possibly make me feel like (this sounds dumb) I’m an adult.

I’ve been hiding in that old dynamic forever

That is the norm I want you to see. Fuck. Because if I act young and fearful, you might jump in and take over.

It’s worked my entire life. I’ve used it countless times.

Because if you took responsibility for the issue, I could avoid the major threat of being rejected if I failed. This is why I’ve done this. I didn’t want to be rejected.

This is what’s really been on my mind.

(Is Primal bringing this up?) :thinking:

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#45

So, yeah, I’ve had fears of failing come up while imagining being in a relationship.

I’m actually kind of grateful I’m running Primal. It eliminates “useless beliefs” about relationships. Those fears are proof that something’s being dug into.

#46

I woke up with fears this morning. Fears of responsibility. Fears of growing up.

Primal’s at work.

#47

I was writing someone here, and I’m going to share it. It was my first reason for using LBFH yesterday. But the more I wrote, the more I shared some fears about loving myself. I’ve been bumping into something while using Genesis, and my questions dug closer to the truth.

Here it is:

I shared some on the STKS thread about me needing self-love last night, but I kept something out. But I’ll share it here. It involves narcissism.

My initial push to run LBFH yesterday was an insecurity I felt when reading about our current US president. This is not a political sharing. I just saw and felt some things in myself while reading about him, and it scared me.

I saw a man disconnected from people. I saw him hiding from change and challenges. Also (and my major reason for running LBFH), was the man’s actions say he has no friends, noone he can just relax around.

His disconnected responses make him sound like a true narcissist, and that’s what scared me. Making everything about himself. I’ve noticed myself drifting that way lately, and fuck, it’s lonely.

Pushing people away works for a while for myself, but it just gets too damn lonely. It starts to really hurt. True narcissists have no self-love. It’s pure falsehood that they only love themselves.

And I don’t want to live there. I just haven’t had the courage to do differently. Genesis has provided some courage, which is my main reason for starting Primal. But that lacking of self-love has been making noise.

And I still feel reluctance. I’ve never done this. I’ve consistently relied on other people to love me.

Can I do this?

I ask myself this. Why? I’ve not done this before.

Who am I to love myself?
Do I have any value?
Will I be alone once I begin loving myself?
Is this worth doing?
Will I allow people in and be hurt?
Who would protect me? Will I?

Those are actual fears and thoughts about loving myself. It even sounds like recon. Yeah, some.

I’ll leave this. The threat of narcissism scared me into using LBFH.

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#48

@RVconsultant,

This is in response to the question in the STKS thread.

When I first read your question, I thought “hell no!”

But…why the hot response?

Because I instantly went to an avoidant mentality of “just be nice and agree with him. They’ll never know your real thoughts.”

My real thoughts come from years of putting on a front so you (or anybody) would like me. I actually felt defeated even imagining reading his stuff. Over my years in the recovery world, I grew afraid of change since, by my own doing, it was all masks and fronts. I never changed. I just created a good looking mask.

That is and was my past experience.

But I opened the book link that @James gave. Damn…

I instantly wanted to hide in his words. In his belief that there are different choices we have. That hope is actually…possible.

Also quite relevant here is where my mind went. I instantly went to feeling safe while using Dragon Reborn. Like in a split second. Feeling safe has always been a godsend, and a very rare one at that.

I realize now that I need to let go of the belief that I can’t change. There’s something that needs to change. As I said before, that old belief is why I felt defeated after reading your question.

Seeking a solution here: maybe I should buy the book to make me use DR to feel safe.

Because my limited thinking is what’s keeping me stagnant. I desire to feel safe so I can heal. And feel.

I’m kind of scared going forward. May I ask for your honest opinion?

And BTW, self-doubt creeps up quickly when considering making these changes. Definitely not the first time it’s happened

#49

If feeling safe is a really important goal what about Sanguine?

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#50

Growing in conviction sitting here.

I’m thinking and feeling that frustration of living out illusions of change, when not changing was always my goal. A hidden, unspoken, and avoided truth of mine.

I’m really, really sick of living and being that lie. I am.

How do I do this?
How do I really do this?

DR St.1 first.
Next, having some accountability. This is important.
Who do I trust? Who do I really trust?

This is my next step because, at this moment, fear is hanging in my thoughts, coloring everyone as unsafe. Using Genesis has given me insights on my thinking, so using DR will allow windows of trust in some people.

DR needs some time first. I usually dump a lot in journals using DR.

First things first. Will await feedback from RV. I also saw @Fractal_Explorer writing here while I was writing this post. I’d love an outside perspective.

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#51

I don’t have enough experience with Sanguine to answer fairly. I’ve only thrown in a loop during rough periods of recon, and since ZP emerged, recon has been even less for me.

What are you proposing?

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#52

It’s been a while since I’ve run it. Have you read the objectives recently? See if anything resonates with you.

I just see two main standouts your mind is calling out for in your post. Safety and healing. But safety does seem to be the bigger one because it sounds like you just need some ground beneath your feet so to speak.

I think it would be a good addition to any forward growth sub of your choosing. I know you want to run DR. But does DR work for you? It’s an intense title.

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#53

Thinking about that question. It stirred me, yes. But I almost always had this belief that “I will make it”.

I actually had some crying sessions while driving for work while using DR. It was freeing. It was release.

And I mention it because it was an avenue which I’ve kept open. Yesterday, Saturday, I was driving for work, and tears came up. I allowed them. No tension from holding them in. I don’t desire to live in “stuck”.

I spent months on both Stages 1 and 2, locking up before Stage 3. The first two stages, in my opinion, were relatively easy with all the underrated support scripting in it. That quiet but powerful subconscious coaching is what I relied upon a lot.

And I am still holding on to something that’s kept me in emotional lockdown often. Genesis has helped me believe that good things are in me. And that success is possible. Saint advised not to make a custom with them, but I could stack them.

Intense was not how I perceived it. I remember me being in that mindset of “who am I really?” And that was more of a quiet victory for me. But yeah, it shook me at times.

I just rarely, and I mean that literally, felt overwhelmed. That support scripting is the secret sauce.

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#54

What do you think caused you to not move onto stage 3 of DR?

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#55

I’m seeing that I’ve been glued to an unspoken family tradition of failure and playing the victim.

That has been what I’ve been holding to, thinking (childishly, of course) that I’d be loved if I lived down to those standards.

There’s a ton of hiding, shame, and regret it demands too.

So why the change?

It’s. Not. Real.

Living by those standards is painful. I’m tired of living down to that lie.

#56

I just ordered her first book. I’ve listened to some interviews she’s done.

If she hasn’t cracked the code, she’s come very closer. Very insightful!

If I was experiencing such things, here is what I would do.

I would go to the library (and if the library didn’t have these books, I’d ask about Inter-Library Loan) and look for these books:

The books by Dr. Lindsay Gibson

Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns

(Dr. Burns also has a self-esteem book)

When I say no I feel Guilty by Dr. Manuel Smith

Why go to the library? It’s probably free. That way if I like the books, I can then order them. If not, then nothing lost, right?

I would also consider what @Fractal_Explorer said. Perhaps Sanguine: The Elixir would be important.

You’re using DR. When I was going through the stages of DR, I found The Elixir helpful for dealing with reconciliation.

Maybe consider KB in the future.

Those are my thoughts; what are yours?

3 Likes
#57

RV,

Day 2 of avoiding writing here. I did DR St.1 yesterday, and also LBFH. LBFH was a little too much.

I’m seeing and feeling I’m in this avoidant mentality, attempting to find some familiar norm.

I’m not in emotional hell. I’m just scared of something. Trying to avoid something.

Exactly. I’m trying to avoid opening up here. I feel it.

Sadness was felt just below the surface.

I’m trying to do things in agreement with everyone so I’m not rejected. Not forsaken. Not left behind.

That’s what my WHOLE life has been wrapped around.

Gotta run. Leaving for work soon. I want to uncover this.

I could… damn

Edit. I could call out. Afraid of criticism. Mfer

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#58

It’s bliss and relief for me when I allow myself to dump my uglies.

I can do something

#59

There’s one huge setback to your healing that I’ve noticed and, therefore, I suggested Primal (but Ascension could be better for that). How can you get healed when you keep hurting yourself, you’re locked in a self-sabotage circle, and you maltreat yourself? You need to change your attitude towards yourself (and towards life in general) and perspective to be done with it. Nothing better than alpha titles and those encouraging self-care/love. I think that was the main reason CFW worked for you so good (alpha mindset+self-care/love). Ascension+CFW is what I suggest. Upon changing your attitude towards yourself and your general perspective (outlook on life) you could tackle your traumas with DR. However, I think on Ascension+CFW you could get enough healing reaffrimed by people around you and, especially, by yourself (the new way you treat yourself), and that’s vital.

4 Likes
#60

Thank you @Sub.Zero. For some reason, your words are making me think

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