Changes - Subliminalguy

Journals - Major Programs
#369

I’m writing to share what’s running me at this moment: shame.

Last Wednesday, I signed up for a very profitable business that I’ve been watching over 4 years now. However…

That same old shame and reluctance to move forward has grabbed onto me again. I usually do my best work using my heart, but my heart feels distanced from me in this setting–once again. A young part of me feels relieved. The adult part is pretty confused, scared of losing, and is just not sure how to resolve this.

I don’t want to face this feeling of failure–which is from a child’s mindset. The adult in me feels kind of clueless.

Taking action–I’m going to listen to Phoenix tonight.

I admit also that strong feelings like this invite strong subliminals to hit the root, not the branches. I don’t know how deep Phoenix will dig, but I’ve had concrete experience with Regeneration (roughly 2 months back), knowing it would hit these blockades with precision and purpose.

I’ll start with Phoenix. I want healing.

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#370

Day 3
Phoenix: last night and 5 minutes ago

I decided to run Phoenix again this morning. I really crave a freedom from this thinking of pain and fear, so I thought I’d give it some gas.

#371

I want to echo @Michel from a recent post of his.

I’ve thought I’d have to abandon my family if I was ever successful. Like a dangerous “either/or”.

This issue isn’t done. I’m aware of this, but it’s not resolved

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#372

I’m at work.

Guilt is what’s being worked on right now. So much so that I think last Thursday’s epiphany was a release of self-imposed guilt.

I’ve honestly rarely known what my big issues were. In families of alcoholics, that blaming of ourselves runs rampant. And I’ve been running from this my whole life.

I’ll write later.

#373
#374

Day 4
Rest day

I feel melancholy this morning. I mention it because it runs deeper, even freer than normal.

I usually have some level of physical constriction, like my body is saying “no” to expressing it.

Phoenix is truly doing something new.

I feel and sense a freedom rising. And when I look over next to me, I sense this sad part of me. It’s different, because there’s no division, no pushing away of that self.

I could go on and on, literally. I’ve never felt this freedom.

Gotta get ready for work though. Been writing for 15 minutes, and I started late. Been crying some too. This is real.

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#375

Day 5

Maybe 2 runs of Phoenix per listening day is too much. It may be. I listened to 5 minutes last night, then 5 minutes this morning. I felt slightly stressed all day, like sad but not fully, and a basic unhappiness.

One thing I noticed, and it kind of clicks with some repeated struggles I’ve had, especially with my living situation:

I’m seeing (again, after seeing this with a competitor’s subs years back) that I’m living in some continual denial of truth in my life. My mind has not been in reality. I ignore or get offended when someone either wants to point out this standard of mine, or if someone tries to force me to see truth.

To give this some traction, my housemate usually wants me to change, but fuck him.

—I realize I was comfortable living alone since noone checked my mentality. I created what I wanted to. And I’d avoid anyone who thought differently. (or maybe they avoided me…)

I worked with a good-hearted guy today. Not an unhappy soul. I just realized I felt a tad bit irritated by his excitement and talkativeness. I didn’t slide right into bitter self-pity like I’ve done in the past. --I’m only beginning to see how much I still hide in life, as my irritability was because his life challenged my own, and he didn’t pressure me at all. He was just himself.

I haven’t written like this ("this’ meaning "honestly) in years. I have this feeling in my gut like I’m a little kid emotionally–but I’m not stressed. All my adult life I’ve worn a mask so you’d see what I wanted you to see. Phoenix has torn down that wall some, and it wasn’t uncomfortable like I would have expected it to.

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#376

Day 6
Rest day

Phoenix is working on something.

I just realized something. I am so used to distancing myself emotionally. What is that word? I completely divorce emotion from what is happening. @Fractal_Explorer will know.

I’m more into those emotions this morning, and was yesterday too. I feel less of that terror associated with it. And I’ve never even been aware of that terror.

I’ll share what is normal. I’ll feel some emotion, but also have a sharp fear rise with it. I’ll want to express it, but the fear will strengthen, causing frustration and anger. That very cycle is how I’ve been stuck all these years. Fear always won, and to hide the repeated losses to myself, I’ve looked for hideouts. Sweets, a coffee high, movies, anything more pleasant than the feeling that I’m not even worth my own attention.

Even now. I wrote that, was hit by the truth, and fear began to rise since that paragraph has so many emotional memories tied to it. That’s life for me on a daily basis.

One important note (to myself). DR took down that daily onslaught of fear. I expressed myself daily, wherever I was at. And my largest journals were my DR journals.

Less fear, more expression. Which is why this is such a long post :wink:

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Main Disc. Thread - PHOENIX: A Dragon Reborn Experience (Free Upgrade Now Available!)
#377

Yup sounds like dissociation. I relate to emotional expression bringing on fear. It’s been a common theme in my life too. Sounds like Phoenix is taking you out of that and more into your body to feel and connect.

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#378

Yeah. Dissociation. Thanks @Fractal_Explorer

I’m listening now, as I’m moving my listening times to the evenings so my brain has more uninterrupted time to process this while sleeping.

I’ve had numerous moments where the reluctance to express myself kicked in today. I’d be inspired by something, want to share it with someone in my vicinity, and that internal brake would kick in, keeping it back.

Closer to home, I noticed it 2ce since I’ve been home. Journaling here has always helped me express and understand things better, and I’ve wanted to share thoughts that make sense in my life. I even feel this constriction in my throat while writing now.

I’m not sure what Phoenix is doing, but it feels much more growth oriented than that internal brake of mine, so I’m keeping with it for a while.

To sum up my day:

My mind is opening, and so are my emotions. I am seeing and feeling how they “dance” together more now. There’s still some bumbling, but with a little compassion and self-forgiveness, I keep trying.

#379

I’ve also had positive experiences.

What I realized is I’m anxious about sharing them since the messages I write here have similarity to past ways where I “disconnected” from myself to post, and it was a lie to myself.

That’s why I’ve mostly posted heavily emotional stuff, since the sad/mad/bad looks at least somewhat like I feel. I don’t like it when I mindf*** myself.

#380

Day 7
Rest day

Who am I?

I’m scared to be me.

More specifically, I’m scared to be the old dishonest me.

Lately, and even seconds ago, I’ve had memories of surviving using lies and masks. I’m remembering college now. Masks meant I got close to nobody. Noone at all. A fear held on to me full-time, repressing everything. I feel that same old sadness I felt often then.

But I did it to hide. My single aim and goal was to feel safe. I rode a motorcycle in those days, and I always had this fantasy about driving out of state to some isolated spot, just I could relax. I never did that. I’m not sure I ever told anyone about this. No, I know I did. But I never shared how scared I always felt.

I’m struggling here, beginning to cry, because the main person I kept secrets from was MYSELF. That’s who hurts now.

That repression was active full-time. It’s still trying to remain in place.

But it hurts. I could share everywhere to everyone, but sharing it with myself… now that’s my issue. I’ve felt defeated for so long <<---- fear’s trying to hold on.

I’m gonna let this cook today.

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#381

Day 8
Unsure if I’ll listen today due to Christmas gatherings

I feel like my values and beliefs have been strengthened some.

I’ve been more willing to be around people.
I’ve been more open, meaning less walls up.
I’m feeling more secure personally.

And what really hits my soft spot is…all the growth I’ve shared used to be just permission to hide more. As if I’d done enough to win other’s approval, and I could “disappear” from the constant vying for people’s love and attention. I could disappear from all the pretentious acts. It was a never-ending pursuit.

Strangely, for me, I really don’t wish to hide. Phoenix has done something incredible.

I sound all low-key, but I started crying while writing this. Tears tell me more than words do.

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#382

Day 9
Rest day
5 minutes of Phoenix after work yesterday; LBFH last night
Christmas Eve

I just started having that feeling of (fear?) holding myself back from writing. Trying to keep it in. Old survival strategies have been rebounding.

Yesterday I said I was more willing to be around people and I felt more secure personally. I felt this in the morning. But I then gave in to fear and stayed in my room all day and night since my housemate had guests visiting. I didn’t want to be seen.

—>> I’m really trying to be honest with me. I’ve lied to myself so often. Gonna share what’s on my mind now.

Aaagh… I felt more vulnerable and unguarded with myself, by myself, and the ONLY way I saw myself interacting with them was by putting on a total bullshit mask, a survival mask. I didn’t HAVE to visit them. I just didn’t want to do that TO MYSELF. I didn’t want to give up that sacredness of safety I felt by myself. I stayed in my room all day (after work, noon to midnight)

It’s Sunday morning early, everyone’s still in bed, and I’m unsure how I’ll be. I woke up with thoughts that I needed to challenge these fears. I need to take action. I can do that.

Part of me, a young part, is used to hiding, and I keep having that feeling and seeing me cowering back, hiding.

And this is why I listened to 5 minutes of the updated LBFH last night. I knew I needed to protect myself. I kept wondering “how?” And even…“why?” I didn’t feel worthy of self-protection. I did some reading on LBFH’s results with others here last night, and I listened. Not loving myself has had painful effects as long as I can remember.

I’ll tell some more truth on that. For the last year and more, I had imaginations about building customs. With DR. With CFW. With Genesis. Even Regeneration. I’ve written each time about this, and I’ve never done it. Why? I didn’t feel worthy of love and caring towards myself. I didn’t feel worthy of loving myself.

I considered making a Phoenix/LBFH custom without too many modules. And…I’m scared. I need to begin stacking LBFH with Phoenix at least. Last night, after listening to LBFH, I sensed this ability to protect myself, which greatly differed from hours before.

Yeah, I need that, seriously.

@Sub.Zero, you’ve recommended TWTP next. I’d like to have a discussion here about it. Thank you for all the help you’ve given me through this journey.

—I broke into tears while writing voytek. I’m dead serious. I’ve not trusted men OR women in many years. I’ve not trusted myself…either.

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#383

This is the root of so many hangups and holdups. That’s me, on a gut level.

#385

I hear you. I’d like to consider stacking one of the three, and making a custom out of the other 2. I’m just wondering which combination would work best in a custom. 3 individual titles stacked, in my experience, is too diluted.

What do you see working?

#387

Actually…I’m clueless considering the heart-driven direction it’s taking. (My heart’s melting this morning as this comes up).

I remembered in the masterclass emails where Stark and Mind’s Eye were mixed with little else. I’d never even considered making customs if it’s not at least 10 modules. I don’t really know if it’s allowed.

My desires:
Trusting myself more
Listening to myself more
Valuing myself more
Allowing others in, as I feel ready
Confidence…confidence…confidence!!! (Caring confidence, not stupid showoff confidence)
…Transcendental Connection…where emotional intimacy is much easier
Empath–because Phoenix opens up my empathy by itself
Manipulus? Especially if TWTP is run?

So, might I ask for any imput?

I’m realizing my mind’s fighting this “moving forward” step. I kept writing ideas, by my mind was saying “whoaa! hold back!”

#389

Day 10

Merry Christmas everyone. These subs are checking my reality big-time. I did 5 minutes of the new LBFH, and I’m allowing it. I’m used to normal feelings and templates, especially about Christmas, and LBFH pulled some rug from under me.

I was just going to start writing, I remembered social norms for Christmas, and that’s when I was checked.

Do I hide behind everyone else’s beliefs about how I should feel, how I should act, how…

Yes. So someone/anyone might value me. Those same beliefs are clashing with LBFH, as it wants to manifest the real me, not a front. Old beliefs don’t value me much.

This feels like a true learning experience.

Christmas might be real for me this year :grinning:

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#390

Question: When?

I’m on day 10 of running Phoenix solo. Maybe now, maybe later… unsure.

I’d love to jump. But that truth makes me question myself.

–Something I’ve shared above is the dissonance living here. I’ve had positive imaginations this morning of standing up for myself and extricating myself from this lifeless prison. Just leaving and cutting myself off from----from the guilt of disappointing a man.

Living (down) to other’s insecurities is hell. I don’t want to live under this fear.

#391

How you noticed the second loop of Phoenix was mentally taxing ?

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