It was, but I was also facing some mild recon with it before I listened to the second loop. I think the normal recon stacked with that loop had me stick to a single loop per listening day.
I’m feeling a slight recon today, but this came from playing LBFH this morning. The new NSE is very very active.
I’ve got to admit something.
This dissonance is all in my own head. My housemate is condescending often, but I realized he’s not what I need to break from. He’s NOT my problem.
I’ve been safeguarding my own fucked up beliefs.
I imagined living elsewhere, and that SOB set of beliefs still sat right in front of me. These beliefs are my own, and his actions point out how I’m avoiding them, even desperately so.
Part of healing must be discerning what your issues are and what they aren’t. I’ve held hatred towards him only since these reminders of my inaction are relentless. He’s been my scapegoat, the easiest one to blame.
I just downloaded both Primal and Phoenix onto my laptop. I almost chose Primal, but Phoenix has been active, so I chose it. I didn’t desire the “new subliminal” recon.
Day 11
Rest day
Phoenix last night
I’m facing a change this morning. Phoenix has been pushing me towards it. I’ve resisted it. But I’m losing my hold.
This push is towards maturity. Those split second realizations that I’m hanging onto something unfulfilling, something fake, have been hitting home.
I’m home facing an anger I’ve usually ignored. I’ll sum it up saying my housemate shows little respect for me. I’m angry internally, and – by habit, I’m trying to keep it inside so people (ANYONE at all) will think I’m nice.
I’m mad because even I don’t believe the bullshit I just wrote. I’ve dodged truths to myself so long. I’ve never been here, and I don’t know what to do–“do” meaning “how do I hide this from myself?” <<-- that’s been my norm.
This is my journal, so I’ll puke some here and there. It’s like fucking up and disempowering my life has been normal. Making myself less so I’ll not attract attention (meaning “I’m in trouble” in a childish mindset).
Lots of thoughts going. It’s like anger and sadness mixed.
Listening to Christmas instrumental music, which reminds me I have a heart.
Something is breaking through. I have no fucking idea what. It’d be bullshit to say I do. It just feels like a part of me is grieving.
I planned on running Primal and LBFH tomorrow.
I’m not confident on that for tomorrow. Phoenix is breaking through something. And I actually shared some of my thoughts to a coworker today, off the cuff. No mention of subliminals. I shared that I’m working on being honest with myself since not doing so is why I’m where I am in my life. I shared that since I’m getting peeks of how my life’s been going. How it’s really going.
I was talking “about” my actions, and I even felt a hint of tears and grieving, so I pulled back. Too much for the work setting. But that door’s been opening.
Being honest with ME…one moment at a time. Scares the fuck out of me (while tears drop now).
Day 12
LBFH this morning
I did LBFH this morning. Phoenix tonight.
I feel my chest heavy. Like emotions are being held back. Like I could cry. This is my whole body though, not just my emotions. Like it’s waiting to burst.
I had imaginations of breaking down at work. I imagined a good, honest outcome.
I’m wondering “when?” When will this happen?"
I look forward to being honest with myself again.
I was thinking I was going to feel sad today, and I’ve not been down at all. In fact, LBFH has come through repeatedly, as I’ve joked and felt like a kid all day.
It’s been fun 
I’m listening to LBFH ultrasonic now instead of Phoenix. Need to wind down before heading home. 12 hour day.
I just contacted a guy for a room he’s renting.
I have got to leave. I’m not wanted here, and the push is flipping loud. I walked in and was met with insults about the Christmas gathering. He began to spit up his hostility to me.
I listened for 20 seconds, and told him I’m going to bed. I turned and left while he was talking.
I have mixed feelings. But me staying is me disrespecting myself. I have to love me.
Edit: Loving myself, standing up for myself is a new thing. I’m kind of excited. Walking away from a person who’s not free himself is saying “This ain’t gonna work. Goodbye”
Didn’t know what I wanted to say when I came here this morning . I almost imagined a made-up world.
Phoenix and LBFH are doing something strange in me. It’s undefined, not made-up and boxed up.
I often feel weak and afraid coming here. Actually, every time. Phoenix is rewriting understandings of mine, and I’ve held on to them, like they were my identity.
Phoenix checked me this morning, hours ago. I have identified with these beliefs. I’ve thought “that’s all I’ve got”. I’d cover over it with that made-up world–and that’s what life has been for many decades. I was afraid to try on other’s beliefs.
Not completely true. I did church for decades, and those beliefs open me up. I’m realizing I rarely owned those beliefs–since it involved a community. I’m honestly just seeing how I’ve been untrusting with people. With my heart.
That’s why I got into lying to myself and others. I wanted you to see me, but I really didn’t. I’d rather have stayed home. But to gain people’s trust I put on a front. I lied. Those lies hurt me more than anything. It’s because I identified with the lies since I was the only one who knew. Noone could challenge me. And as I’ve been growing in recent years, there’s been a terror of losing “me”, the made-up me.
This is why I’ve been back and forth with any growth. I’ve been holding on to this image of myself. That is what I’ve been stuck on.
Phoenix is helping me let it go.
I feel soft. Shed some tears while finishing that, and I’m feeling some hope.
Thank you for writing this @Fire.
I’m all over the place emotionally today.
I’m writing to make myself aware of my thought processes. Lots of anger earlier. It’s still there.
I’m in control of myself. But no. I’m waiting to get it out somewhere
How could I handle this? (I feel like I’m learning something new in life)
My wondering: should I listen to Phoenix tonight, or wait?
I’m on my rest day, and today I’ve had a draw towards Phoenix. It’s activating in my brain and has been today, showing numerous times. I’m seeing in frequent activities how I want to be responsible in my life. For me. For others too, as avoiding others doesn’t make me feel masculine at all. It’s cowardice.
But it’s felt like it’s pulling me to own my responsibilities and not hide from them. Makes me want more.
It’s also incredibly non-stressful facing this. Stress leaves when I am responsible.
I feel like a young teen discovering possibilities in life now. 
Day 14
Phoenix just now
I experienced that high yesterday, and I acknowledged Phoenix. I definitely felt it working.
But I didn’t give credit to LBFH. 2 days ago I listened to 2 loops of LBFH by itself.
I was choosing and looking out for things and experiences that made me feel good about myself. I felt so empowered by this. Incredibly so.
Also, the guy who I contacted about the room asked for my credit score. I’ve worked on my own before so I knew the drill.
He sent me a link, and it kept opening up junk sites. Nope. I remembered my bank account has a link, and I used it. Perfect. None of my info shows.
I sent a screenshot to him. He replied saying he could only use his link since it’s tied to the property.
Fuck no. No wonder the ad has been up for weeks. I’m looking for a place, and you want a kickback and my info’s sold for shit I’ll never buy?
No. Hell no. Deception is not good business.
I’m listening to LBFH here before leaving work.
I’m becoming much more attentive to positive thoughts and feelings due to it.
This is a completely different mindset from what I usually drift towards. This is good.
I just sent in a ticket to support since I’m curious about a LBFH and Phoenix custom.
While I’m thinking about it, I’ll share an appreciation for LBFH which up until yesterday, I’ve never had. It really bloomed on me, and I’ve had a strong belief that Phoenix has been kicking some mental roadblocks out of the way which allowed it to activate so strongly.
I’ve also spent a shit ton of time trying to “understand” things in my life, and love is one focus I’ve had. I’m desiring this custom since I’m wanting to experience it, not pick through every detail of it. Yeah, the NSE in LBFH is really working in my own life. I desire to feed its growth.
Day 16
2nd rest day
Loops tomorrow. Not sure which ones yet
I’m having this need for power to control my own world. Well, something like that. I’ve kept searching for a fantasy world today.
First, it was watching movies. But they are obviously “unfilled wants” when the movie’s over.
Then, it was me trying to focus on how I felt on different subliminals. Phoenix. PCC. Emperor. LBFH. I suddenly realized I just wanted to feel safe. In the past, hiding always gave me some illusion I was safe. And maybe Phoenix is showing me that. Old hideouts aren’t as effective as they used to be.
This may be recon talking, but are our fantasies of power (even over ourselves) just that–fantasies? Is maturity just finally seeing that all our common fantasies are that and no more? That they don’t have to “own” and run us anymore? That we really don’t need them anymore?
I may be a gettin a wee bit wiser on dis sub.
It just feels so surreal. I’ve always lived in this closed-off safe bubble, and I’ve been too scared to even consider how feeling or being safe could be a reality. And then came SC with healing subs.
And I paused writing for 15 seconds, and fear began rising up to crowd out that possible excitement from building. It’s a very paranoid and jumpy part of me asking “can this be real?” Him seeing “no” as his answer always shut him down.
Because that’s what I’m facing today in this recon episode. The struggle with letting go of that seems to be why I’ve kept “getting in my own way”. Fear has been normal. How would we live if…we didn’t have to…be scared all the time…?
Really? Really? How? WHY??!!
(Even “fucked up” is accepted if it provides some security!!!)
That’s the mind and logic of a traumatized child. Change always seemed threatening and dangerous.
(Phoenix is picking away)
Day 17
Phoenix just now. LBFH later
I’m facing some fear writing. It comes up regularly. I’m trying to find out why.
I feel this scared kid in me attempting to not be seen. My mind went back to junior high, everybody outside the building, waiting for school to start so we could go inside.
Yeah. That’s it. That’s the time when my brother left home overnight, never returning back. That changed everything for me.
“Not be seen”. Gonna flesh that out, since I know I still do it. I’ve returned to this place on DR numerous times. I just was never forced to go deeper. I used distraction skills to avoid it.
I’m seeing sheets we had in our bedrooms. A brown forestry design. Leaves. Lots of leaves.
I didn’t want people–scratch that–I didn’t want myself to know how violated I felt. I felt unprotected.
My brother had raped me, and to this day I’ve never had a full recollection of the incident. Not that I’ve ever truly wanted this. But my life’s looped around protecting me from remembering it. I’d guess that every feeling of being “not safe” is tied to this. And I feel that regularly, a few times each week.
I’m feeling some fear, even seeing, in my mind’s eye, me distancing myself from the room. Even from the house.
I just felt at fault. Me and my brother were close. But I did allow treatment that wasn’t healthy. As I’ve been “feeling” my way through the house (in my mind), he was the only person I trusted.
I didn’t want to lose that. It was ripped from me.
Holy shit. Wow. Did I just see that?!
I imagined some pain flowing to me, all in the air, like waves of darker colors. It came right through me. What I then felt was me trying to hang on to this ungraspable force as it moved through me.
To feel like I had some control, who I was joined to it and I suddenly felt responsible for this pain flowing around.
I loved my brother and I wanted to preserve the good memories. I’ve tried to protect that relationship.
And it’s always been safer…to blame myself. I’ll quickly bow my head, assuming responsibility for things that happen at work (for example), even when I clearly have no fault in it.
I’ve felt responsible for this childhood incident happening. And I go there, again and again, mostly trying to enforce those beliefs that I was responsible. This isn’t really true. But it helps me avoid the pain.
I’m seeing my mind trying to duck and dodge now. I’ve been writing over 30 minutes so I’m going to pull off.
Correction. I finally got up to get some coffee, and I noticed that same desperate fear telling me to avoid my housemate. He wasn’t in the rooms I traveled, but I was scared I’d see him.
I face this every day, even when leaving early for work.
Feeling vulnerable and unprotected has been a life norm for decades. I’ve usually had safer people around me though.