Did you think about stopping coffee consumption?
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I have many times in the past. I recognized even when I began trying it out (late 90’s) that it’d quickly distract me from my emotional state. I weaned off and tapered off many times.
And the realization that just surfaced is “it’s a link to many fantasies”, the very things I’ve used to avoid the fear and pain of trauma. Not that that’s good. It’s mostly been a tool to cope with the many emotions I’ve experienced.
…wow…gotta say something here. It just became evident.
In both recent and distant years past, me sharing, writing, or talking about past traumas was somehow…pointless…useless…making noise for no reason. I truly, truly believed I’d be stuck with this FOR LIFE. Too many traumatized people would echo this exact thing if asked.
I’m not actually sure what Phoenix is doing…but (just had sadness rise) it feels like it’s gracefully prying my fingers off of my past. I, subliminalguy, have been holding on to this shit for almost 40 years. I’ve felt too scared to try conscious tools to heal this. I’ve tried many. But I’ve jumped right into my own lane of travel hundreds of times, foiling any and all success. I’ve done that.
Phoenix is even challenging my thinking, my self fault-finding.
Changing it from “you’re unworthy since you failed here” to something closer to…
“you’re free. Let’s get you untied from all these useless chains and tie-downs so you can embrace it FULLY!”.
The action-taking drive in Phoenix is a lifesaver.
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I did New Primal as my 2nd loop today. 15 minutes. I felt that sense of adventure again (I had it last on Genesis). I’m letting it soak in.
I have no idea what to expect. And I’m completely ok with it.
Edit: I also got just a twinge of the freedom from rejection. I realized 20 minutes after listening that that fear has had me locked up emotionally almost every minute I’m afraid. I hope this works well with Phoenix.
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If you still want that productivity boost and alertness from caffeine, I highly suggest green tea as an alternative. Green tea has caffeine and l-theanine, the latter can help you with your nerves and stay calm while being focused. If you have bad associations with coffee, replacing it with another drink that gives you the benefits without the painful memories sounds like a great idea to me.
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Thanks @Beowulf. It wasn’t really the caffeine which brought on bad feelings and associations, it was more the Phoenixing of my memories which made me see some bad choices I made with it. I had those feelings I wrote of this morning before I had coffee.
And it’s been years since I’ve had green tea at home. I tried it, knowing it was a caffeine source, and it’s much milder than coffee, per my experience. That makes me remember all sorts of things I tried just so I’d find a “fix”. All store-bought stuff…some of this, some of that. I decided to just stick with coffee since I could find it anywhere.
Do you use green tea yourself for productivity and alertness? I’d like to hear how it benefits you.
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Oh my mistake then.
I’ve been on and off drinking green tea for a couple of years and recently I got back into it. I had a particularly demanding month where I needed to finish my work under a certain deadline and green tea kept me focused without feeling the jitteriness I get from drinking coffee. It helped a ton, which I’m grateful for. I’m also using it because I’ve read that it might help with dental/gum health, which I’ve been having issues with recently.
You can consider upping your intake to 2 - 3 cups. I like to think that it’s like using a vape if one is addicted to smoking, one could ease their way in though I have no personal experience of doing this myself.
Good luck running Phoenix. I ran it for one or two loops and I still felt the effects weeks afterwards. I have a feeling you can get some kind of breakthrough this time.
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It’s also helpful to add L-theanine to help balance it out if you don’t want to drink green tea.
It’s best to avoid using caffeine though. It’s one of the most potent drugs out there. Even small doses can disrupt your sleep, cause ups and downs in your adrenals, and lead to poor digestion, which can make you feel bad without even realizing it.
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I am having big and little breakthroughs on it. I’m also keep looking for how I can make this transition easier–meaning I actively am NOT trying to sabotage success.
Small wins mean the WORLD to me!
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Day 18
Rest day
–I came here to write, and upon realizing I was going to use a mask, I became sad.
What I’m experiencing is a drifting into being honest with myself.
That’s worth celebrating.
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Synopsis: I did a single 15 minute loop of the new Primal yesterday. I didn’t expect this mindset change today. I’m usually pushing it down.
I had something peculiar happen during lunch. I wasn’t looking for it.
We stopped at a gas station for lunch. Since I felt frustrated by something (??), I took a nap first. I woke up 15 minutes later and went right into the store to get a drink. I still felt slightly annoyed, so I kind of turned off my emotions and went in. Being invisible was absolutely ok with me.
2 older women were running the counter. One looked at me with wide amazed eyes. I smiled and said hello, still wanting to be unseen.
I checked out with the other woman, and she opened a short conversation. I allowed it, but I noticed people were lining up behind me, so I pulled away kindly due to the line.
What’s strange is neither were attractive. But (strangely for me) I was looking for beauty in each of them. And I saw some. I don’t usually look at women like that.
It’s 5 hours later, and I’m still feeling that attraction towards women. None around now (still at work). But something’s awakening me.
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Day 19
LBFH now. Primal later
That slight headache and annoyance yesterday is still around this morning, so I chose LBFH to allow Primal and Phoenix to process more. I’ve thought those symptoms were from overload, as I’ve not done a 15 minute loop in many months. I’ll stick with 5 minute loops.
The annoyance, just like last Saturday, was the sub changing something in me. I’m seeing it as me having some recon, trying to whine myself out of change the sub is prompting.
Nice. The loop’s over, and I feel a slight freedom from that normal stress and anxiety. That’s from Primal 
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Day 20
Rest day
I’m feeling vulnerable so I’m gonna share.
I did 2 loops of LBFH yesterday instead of running Primal. Whenever I get into healing and stuff starts being scraped away, what I need to care for me is weak, scared, and bumbling. I didn’t have much love when I was younger, and I feel fake trying to act as if. I feel like a loud imposter.
I don’t have what I need when I need it.
I’ve been trying earn people’s love by me doing stuff --performing. That’s killing me inside.
I’m gonna focus on LBFH and Phoenix for now. Phoenix pulls down that bullshit, and LBFH adds in something I’m still learning about.
Primal, or any other exciting sub, is just MORE of me trying to earn love. It makes me look great, but I need to care for me, the one I’ve dissed repeatedly.
I also got a reply from Fire last night saying LBFH and Phoenix would do a lot of good.
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Something big showed itself today.
I’ve had an anger this morning, which has been happening daily. Thank God I’m on a route today, as I’ve burned off some steam.
I also felt like I had more control of my anger, which is new.
What hit me was the reason for my resentment: I expected my brother to protect me. That is what I’ve been stewing on, since I’ve thrown this same unspoken expectation onto my coworker this week. I’ve done the exact same with all male peers–and I have memories now knowing I did this 30 years back.
But that’s a root.
Every other day I’ll be mad, but will have to look for a reason. Not today
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Day 21
LBFH and Ascension Chamber this morning
I reread the reply from support, and Fire mentioned the original Love Bomb over LBFH. I’ve run LB, but only a few times. I found instant positive attention coming my way, and those memories stick with me.
I replied asking why he mentioned LB over LBFH, as I’m desiring to understand what he does.
I then found the LB v.2 thread, and found this. In short, the original LB doesn’t focus on everyone else like LBFH does. It’s more internally focused.
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I did Phoenix before leaving work. I did 5 minutes in the break room on ultrasonic, all while alone.
It’s over an hour later now. I’m really having a hard time believing in myself. I realize this because someone told me to trust myself. And I don’t.
I’m having this Phoenix-induced knowing that I’ve relied heavily on others growing up–and it’s a pattern Phoenix is pointing out. I hope it’s taking me somewhere, because it’s hard. I’m used to holding this denial shield up so I avoid life.
I’ve not trusted myself. I bend so easily when I feel vulnerable–because everyone else doesn’t want to really know my story–and it’s easier to join them vs. facing reality in (both my present and the past).
I’ve hidden every. single. day. from. this. I live in some fantasy most days. Phoenix points this out.
—I’m hoping BADLY that Ascension Chamber will show me something. It did that while on CFW. Because holding onto denial fucking sucks right now.
Edit:
This kind of sucks. It does EXTREMELY so.
But underneath all this SHIT is a free man LOOKING for a rope out. He’s LOOKING AND WANTING to CLIMB OUT OF THIS BULLSHIT I’VE REPEATEDLY BUILT UP.
THAT is a VERY GOOD THING
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Washout day 1
No harsh turmoil today. I’m becoming aware of how I’ll hold on to a feeling (sad, mad, glad) instead of facing what’s inside of me. I noticed it today when acting goofy with my coworker.
I didn’t really want to continue joking, but he did, and to hide the dissonance I felt, I “held on” to a glad feeling.
What I realized at the moment was I really wasn’t feeling what I was expressing. I also wasn’t bound to it. I had internal control.
It felt peaceful.
I had something happen twice today, and I’m wondering about it now. It’s about me empathizing with others. Phoenix brings this out in me, and I’ve seen it really show up a few times.
For our lunch break today, we stopped at a nearby Dairy Queen. I’ve been there many times myself, and me and my coworker came here last week on today’s route.
The cashier is an older woman, maybe 60’s, but not slowing down. In a word, I’d say she’s “tough”. Handles things quickly and can be blunt in a second.
Well, I approached her when it was my turn to order, and I could easily see her unspoken frustration. I told her my order quickly and had my wallet out already. I gave her ones since I had a lot from tips this week. But, they were all messy and misfolded, as I very rarely use cash for purchases. She began sorting out the bills I gave her, and seeing her frustration begged a question.
I asked her “how are YOU doing today?” I felt caring, and I let it out. She looked at me, seeing I really asked her, and she looked at me again and said “I’m getting pissed off actually, taking shit from customers”. I felt concern, and I know my face mirrored this. I didn’t have to say anything. My face showed I heard and felt her frustration. She seemed to drop her anger a moment, but I finished my order, and stepped back so others could order. I felt like I’d given some of myself to her, if only for seconds.
Then, I arrived home 30 minutes ago. My housemate was cooking something for himself, and he began sharing his day’s activities as soon as I walked in. I listened, remembering past impatience I’d experience quickly, but yet, I felt compelled to stay and listen, which I did for 15 minutes. I was listening for and tuned into how his experiences today affected him, and dang, I even came back out to get something from the kitchen, and I spent another 5 minutes listening.
I felt good today listening to both of them. I was even crying when I began writing this piece, because it touches me. Like I’m softening my “back OFF!” shield I hold up. Something’s giving.
I’ve spent a lot of time ignoring other people’s lives. This is touching me since…I’d not acknowledged it much. It just seemed so LOUD today.
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I also remembered how I’d treated my mom when she was alive. Hearing that woman share where she was at felt like a connection to…to how I might be able to reconnect with…women.
Yeah, this made me cry while writing. Protecting my heart has been how I’ve lived. This is so …weird. It’s healing.
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Washout day 2
I just took a slow, meditative walk while the sun was going down.
Today, I’m feeling and accepting something. I haven’t been thinking or dwelling on this. I’m reporting a possible shift from Phoenix, as these thoughts came while walking.
I realized that today I’m detaching, or wanting to detach, from things that make me afraid. While walking, I realized some things I use which I associate with fear.
- Coffee–when I’m afraid
- Sweets–same
- News–same
- Money worries–same
I’ve been so addicted to fear, even knowing the discomfort I feel when using one of the above.
Taking that walk helped. I stepped out of my worry for a while.
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Washout day 3
I woke up frumpy just now, but there’s a good change.
Very frequently, I’ll look for some old helpless feeling, some reminder that I’m stuck. I didn’t want to admit that.
But even for just a moment, I couldn’t retrieve that. That’s not normal for me.
Stuck has been normal. It’s been consistent in my life.
I feel like I’m on the edge of something I’ve never experienced before.
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