Good luck with Phoenix! I’m thinking about running it solo. The description makes it sound intense but the objectives sound really good.
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Me too. I saw Fire’s advice to run it solo first, and I’ll do that
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Day 19
Rest day
I woke up noticing something in my thoughts.
I noticed my mind was trying desperately to hide. It sought a hideout, something not real so I could rest.
It’s weird. I grew up like this, remembering my mom always trying to hide. I bring this up since I felt what I always did. FEAR.
I always felt afraid or anxious since I always knew I was hiding. When would it end? I imagined people discovering my truth and flat out rejecting me.
It paired with abandonment fears, and that is why I’ve been perpetually fearful. People can’t see my face in this writing, but I’ve often had a fearful look on my face. I often wear this.
That’s the main reason I isolate myself a lot too.
I believe I’m trying to validate my reason for Phoenix. Hiding has been my life. I wonder…
What else can be done?
Words are useless. This has to be experienced.
I’m near the end of my cycle. Is there any benefit running a single loop of Phoenix right before my washout?
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Yes, I’d be interested to read your experience.
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I’m actually allowing myself to rest as I look forward to healing tomorrow, using Phoenix.
That might not make much sense to most people. Here’s my reason.
I’ve jumped on DR a few times simply because it toned down my fears quickly. Very quickly, in fact.
So, I’m unsure how Phoenix will work internally, but I love how Fire knows that support scripting is what encourages people to stay with any subliminal. It’s brilliant.
I’m just writing. Thoughts have been popping up in my head today, telling me the subs are blooming and kicking in.
I’ve had unusual brain tiredness today. I made some small, repetitive mistakes at work the last hour, and I actually was a little nervous driving home. I went straight to bed and lied down.
I have had more awarenesses show up.
My motivation for money has risen some since starting New Emperor, but it’s been hot and cold, on and off so far. Less than an hour ago, I sensed that inspiration and ambition bumping up against some loss and fear from my early childhood.
I’ve been hot, then cold (excited, then fearful) most of my life when thinking of success and money. The joy of finding good opportunities is often smothered by an old sadness that’s been untouched so far.
But I’m sensing it now.
The pain was always about relationships. About love lost.
Edit: and this is happening with just Emperor and WB
Now that I think of it, that same smothering sadness works itself into any step forward and strongly discourages it.
I’m referring to dating now, or even starting another family.
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Day 21
5 minutes of Phoenix this morning
Phoenix is moving in both quietly and rapidly. I expected possibly harsh recon. That’s not happening.
Within 10 minutes of listening, I sensed it working through my physical body. My legs got warm. I wondered if it has a physical calming in it-since trauma and bodily tension mirror each other.
I also noticed something it’s hitting now. The sales page makes repeated points to take action on this. Recon would mean “I’m not moving with these growing desires”.
Twice this morning, I’ve already had ideas or plans to move out from where I’m living. I’ve passively allowed my housemate to control me, and part of me is in this “get going!” mindset.
And ok, I just let out grieving tears writing that. Part of me likes the fantasy of not changing. But real life demands it. I think Phoenix is weakening those emotional anchors.
I allow this fire to consume the false hopes I’ve lived behind.
On both the Regeneration page and in the masterclass emails, it strongly advised not dismissing those inner nudges. I believe Phoenix may utilize these as well.
Gonna get busy now. I already started a load to wash my clothes.
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Phoenix is working. I’ve felt it for weeks now, months even, but I’m not at peace with how I lean on others emotionally here. If it were mature and fair, I’d not think of it.
It’s just that 5-6 yo mindset, crying out for a big brother to save him. I’ve sought to let that go for ages, but have rarely felt so led. I’m not feeling the heavy mourning others have talked about, but this dependent mindset fits here. I’ll let Phoenix do its thing.
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I’m home, in my room. My housemate has 2 home health aids here (husband and wife), who I know a little.
What I became aware of is–I don’t want to be around someone who doesn’t hear or listen to me anyway. His health aids are good people, but I only get judgement from the housemate.
…damn… I saw (and see) myself speaking up, not in reaction to the judgement, but because I wanted to. I don’t hang around him much at all since he treats me small. I am not who he treats me like, and that makes me angry.
I’m sitting with this, allowing it to grow.
Change seems to be…SCREAMING AT ME.
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More realizations.
I looked into another room which is located close to my mom’s old neighborhood. This, linked up with my present internal struggle with my housemate, showed me something.
Despite my mom’s emotional inability to love herself and others well, as a child I held to this hope that she’d “show up” someday, in an emotional and relational way. That someday, she’d be there for me.
And I’m doing the exact same thing with my housemate. It’s why he pisses me off. He’s just like her emotionally, and I put those same expectations onto him. Of course I get pissed off.
When the only people I seek out are emotionally closed off, I get pissed off. It reminds me of the original wounds. Thus, I get pissed instantly.
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To take this one step further. What behaviors did you turn to in order to get her to show up in even the slightest of ways? I’ve had to uncover similar stuff and I’ve been witnessing how that plays out in all manners of relationships. The expectations on ourselves we can create to overcompensate for an individual who is emotionally closed off.
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I put myself into adult shoes, trying to make her happy with me.
Years back, I discovered something called emotional incest, and I bought a book by the writer. She was a therapist and saw these issues in her practice steadily.
I looked it up on Amazon.
The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life
By Dr. Patricia Love
Some questions hit me upon discovering it.
“Did a parent tell you that you were their “best” child?”
“Was leaving home difficult since you felt responsible for their happiness?”
I answered yes to both.
I realized I’d traded my autonomy for my mom’s love, or hope for it. My brothers left way before I did, and I submitted unenthusiastically to her need for love herself.
But @Fractal_Explorer, I’ve studied this like a third party. Thus far, I’ve not fully seen how I still play this out.
–>>But this afternoon’s realization was very unlike any other personal awareness. And I’ll confirm that. I’m seeing connections now.
One huge one is I view every woman that could know me as an emotional vampire. I haven’t dated anyone since my divorce in 2014. The remembrances from childhood revolt me.
Fuck, I do that. I think of getting close, and anger and sadness come up instantly. I even view my male housemate like that. Guests are back in the house preparing dinner at this moment, and I avoid them thinking it’s an emotional vacuum environment. So I stay clear.
–thoughts still processing heavily, but I’ll stop here
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Sounds like some good stuff. Being able to see where it plays out currently in life is the really important piece of the puzzle and it seems like you’re tuning into that more now.
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Yeah. Phoenix seemed to open the door
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Connecting more…
One of my beliefs was (and is) “I don’t have a choice here”.
I’ve begun imagining healthy outlets today. Getting out, going shopping…anything.
And that thought came up. Paired with guilt to enforce it.
I air this since I’ve caved to it countless times.
I’m gonna shower. I’ve got to get out
Lots of change is going on. Like Phoenix and WB merged together tonight.
I went out, and impulsively (for me) decided to get my hair cut. I went in, and the attractive young woman who was there had cut my hair last time. But before I go further, I want to say I was uncomfortable. It wasn’t with her or anything external; I was uncomfortable with myself. My normal fronts and instant reactions weren’t there (the very things I normally use to feel “secure”).
I was also uncomfortable since she seemed to do some things which was obvious flirting. At least twice she adjusted her bra cups in front of me while looking me in the eyes. And when she got close to trim my nose hairs in the end, she was close enough to kiss.
I think I’m just starting to feel that mourning people are talking about. I’m finding “how” to heal and live somewhat normal in real life.
This beautiful woman was coming on to me…and I was trying to remain uncreepy (thinking any initiation on my part would have scared her off). On an emotional level, I feel like I failed.
And I’ll admit this truth, which I want to hide from myself. I kept looking for some way to help her like I did with my mother. There was this “little boy servant” running me while being aware I was a virile adult male in front of this sexy nymph. I still feel this obligation to make sure she’s happy…I’d so nix that very line, but that was running me, and still is when I look at motivations for seeing her again. ________________________________________________________________________
“On an emotional level, I feel like I failed.”
Quite honestly, this is how I felt when around my own mother when she was alive. I didn’t feel like an older male today getting my hair cut. I felt like a child obligated to serve the women around him.
And it does bring on an invitation to mourn, to see what actually exists now. No fronts. No made up scripts to play out. Nah. Just feeling it.
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And I’m wanting to follow it this morning.
I don’t want to be responsible this morning. I felt an impulse I haven’t felt in ages. I felt like a kid wanting to be free.
Washout day 1
I called out. I haven’t done this in a long time. I had a whiff of freedom, and I took it. Cautiously, since I feared my own reprisal, beating myself up.
But I followed up. I’m gonna get some planned stuff out of the way today.
I’m thinking of that hairdresser yesterday. I’ve been having imagined conversations in my head, and I noticed something. I tend to truly believe that women, specifically, don’t want me.
And damn, I usually bow out before even trying. The old Rebirth sales page pointed out how we sometimes adopt other’s viewpoints as our own.
I’ve done this. I do this even before meeting people. Put them all in the same mold so I can “predict” them.
I’m gonna go. I’m not comfortable with my last paragraph. And I’ve been writing hoping to activate Phoenix. It worked. It helps me focus.
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