I PM’d someone, and then I chose to share it on the Emperor thread. Lots of processing happening.
Day 14
WB last night; Emp this morning
I’m without mental energy to even hide behind masks now. I have caffeinated a bit today…
but the NSE scripting is really taking me on a ride, one where I’m not sure where I’m going, but I’m definitely going.
It’s checking my whole reality and what I’ve built/hid behind/lied about/lied to myself about. Non-stop.
It’s not excessively stressful, mind you, but I feel like it’s pushing me closer to the edge of “being real”, and I’m reluctant to admit that I’ve habitually pushed it back. Being real means crying when I need to, expressing myself, wherever I’m at, however I am. I cried a few times alone today due to knowing this wants to come out.
That sounds extreme, and I’d agree. But this is coming from a guy who’s kept nearly everything, every emotion, every truth…inside. …it’s why I’ve lied to myself so much.
I will share something big I did realize today, something I’ve never even thought of before. Never.
I realized I didn’t want to grow up and be successful since my dad became successful–and he left us. I’ve seen myself doing what he did (or didn’t do), and I’ve put some roadblock in place, capping my present success attempts. I didn’t want to be him. That’s my life playing out there.
I’m not sure where and exactly why I made that decision, but it’s like I went into perpetual denial when I thought of my dad. Of how he felt of me. And how I felt or needed him. (made me cry). I never felt loved or wanted, and I’ve denied that pain. All of my life.
I’m even seeing some part of me speaking up… again. I was on Regeneration a month back, and one day, while on the back of a garbage truck, this part in me rose up and I heard him begging me for forgiveness. I instantly started crying, because this was huge. It was soooo moving. I never shared that here.
And today, I was in the yard, and I sensed that same part in me…making my life harder…like fearing anything and being unclear constantly…like I’m consistently in some mental denial of what I feel…and what is true. I sensed it. I also felt sympathy since this part of me was acting in fear, trying to gain attention, any at all. He’d do anything to be noticed. He’d even fuck things up so I’d give him attention.
I’m gonna go now.
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Day 15
Rest day
I started writing, and waves of confusion and fear suddenly came on. All to prevent me from being honest. I’ve been living with this even back to my early 20’s, when I paper journaled a lot. I’d start writing, and every mental distraction would surface so I’d not feel or see my truth.
I’m not sure what’s being dodged so desperately, but I’ll admit that almost seeing through the clouds and confusion has baited me onto healing subs time and time again. Seeing a sliver of freedom is so addicting.
What am I so afraid of?
Why am I afraid of facing this?
Do I fear shame and pain, thinking I’ll leave the family?
I’m baited. No ideas on how and when. But again, I’m seeing light.
I’m asking myself “what do I need to do?”
Edit: part of me just wants to rest and allow the feelings to surface. “Battling” this has always taken me backwards.
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Additional thought.
I’m remembering Genesis. It promoted curiosity. It changed desire, making me want things.
I don’t know why I’m running WB personally. Yet. Genesis woke me up though. It had me not afraid to explore.
I miss that mindset.
Recon? Maybe
The present holdup is this: “I’m not allowed to do that”.
And the NSE is challenging my perceptions constantly.
In all honesty…I’ve not seen myself as an adult. Hiding in immaturity has been safe, but uncomfortable.
I’d like to help me actually grow. I’ve been scared to, honestly. Side point–Genesis has that anti-fear and
adventure scripting. That motivated me.
I hate it when you’re right 
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I’m still sitting in this truthful exchange. Tears come and go this morning.
Change.
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I listened to New Emperor 10 minutes ago. I’ll do WB tomorrow morning.
I’m wishing to notice WB more in my life, so I switched WB so I could notice its effects when around others. Plus, I’ll sleep well with Emperor processing.
Day 16
Emperor last night
WB about 15 minutes ago
I’m feeling led into some truths I’ve been hiding from…and there’s some pride (denial) covering some pain and fear. I was around 6 or 7 years old.
I was realizing last night I’ve been facing issues with my father…but I’m on WB and Emperor, both heavily infused with romance scripting.
It’s become quite obvious. I don’t want a woman to know me. To hurt me. Why?
My heart, my masculinity…freezes up. I’m not allowed to express myself. I lock up.
Fear. Lots of fear.
I’m walking into something. I’m not even on a healing title, but I’m headed towards things I’ve avoided consistently.
My mind keeps heading back to some terror I’ve painted over 1000’s of times.
I’m looking into that… but now I’ve gotta get up and get ready for work. Been writing 20 minutes, slowly.
I don’t want to go live in denial. That’s the hell I created. God, help me today.
I wake up every morning at 345 to give myself time to think. Work doesn’t start until 630. I often go in early though. Work’s easy.
But this is digging. I see layers being peeled back. God, help me today.
Edit: I’m grateful I have this place to vent, to breathe. I write since it’s the opposite of how I grew up. Stuffing everything inside makes me look good, but I created a backed up emotional sewer I’d never want someone to experience. Spitting up somewhere, ANYWHERE, is a lifeline for me. Thank you everyone
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WB has some great emotional regulation scripting in it too. It can be very helpful dealing with what you just described. I relate.
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Thank you Fractal
A shoutout to @michel.
I read your reply days ago about suddenly speaking up to that lowlife customer and finding your voice. I’ve wondered if I had it in me.
Nothing’s happened like that. Yet. I’m writing since I came home from work, set my stuff down, then vacated the room since he was watching “news” on his favorite network. I knew exactly what the journalists were talking about, and I knew it was hateful. It always is.
I ate my dinner in the garage, my only place where I don’t have to listen to this shit if I want a quiet meal if he’s in the house. I came back into the kitchen after eating, and he was in his room. He had on a baseball talkshow, and when I stepped in the kitchen, I heard it turn to his “news” station.
I said “you bastard” in a low voice, as he’s a sold-out ass to his side, thinking less of anyone who thinks differently (“you don’t say!”). And when I finally shut off the lights to go to my room…he switched his loud TV back to baseball.
I don’t like assholes who try to bully their beliefs on others. I’ve seen him do it once, and he laughed after it was over. Well, I was just showering, and I began speaking out my rage at such disrespect and flippin arrogance. If he blatantly tried to do that while I was in the same room—I’m finally starting to feel powerful enough to speak to him about it. Not nicely AT ALL. I wouldn’t care about moving out either. No fucking way!
I’m really pissed now. But guy (my housemate) wake the fuck UP! I don’t want to hear your GARBAGE!
Damn!! I’m glad self control is elevated in the New Emperor. I might have gone to his room NOW and told him.
Right now, I’m still sleeping with earplugs. MFer!!
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Day 17
Rest day
It’s sad. I am thinking about last night and how I feel this morning. I remembered giving in in a fight I had with my girlfriend before we decided to get married. She gave me an ultimatum that she’d not return, and fearing living out that I’d pushed someone else out of my life again, I caved.
What occurred to me is…that I actively push myself out. I’m doing this to myself.
What’s surprisingly different is I’m not facing this in a little boy mindset, which has been my norm.
But I am facing it. My challenge is not to find the closest bandaid, but to face the scared and hurting me. And be there for me.
Feels strange, but exciting.
An old mentality showed up: “I’m helpless”. It’s wanting someone else to save me.
I just don’t feel powerless this morning. I feel powerful.
Very strange 
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Nothing in my normal escapes is working today. I’m at work, and all my normal imagined charades aren’t working.
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The charades that are failing are ones I’ve used to fool myself. I lie to myself on a regular basis and I’m seeing that.
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I’m wondering how I could help myself.
In short, stuff (frustration, anger, pain) wants to come up. And damn, I avoid or block it constantly.
What’s really coming up are desires to make (or allow) change. Makes me question myself. I’m scared of thinking of myself as a real lightweight–but I keep on dodging these inner impulses.
I’ve lived in a kind of emotional box (nah, a safe) for years now, isolating myself to feel safe. But choosing those same protections does not feel good anymore.
I find it hard to admit this stuff when I’m on Emperor, the strong nonchalant leader-type.
I think I’m just beginning to see and experience the Emperor mindset. Last night I got pissed at my housemate. Today, I felt more powerful on a personal level.
And even while writing that, my mind tried to squirm back to old childish thinking.
Is this normal? I could call it recon. It feels like a fearful (stubborn) resistance to change.
And is it because I’m used to seeking outside assistance…when I should learn to handle some stuff on my own? Meaning, we all have to carry our own weight. It’s my guess that it is. The mindset seeking others sees through a young child’s eyes, and I still use it on a daily basis. Expecting some codependent hand every time I feel emotional pain or tension just dwindles my courage (at this moment) Just being honest.
I’m not even sure I need assistance. What I do need to do is to sit with my emotions…and myself. Whatever that means.
I’ll keep on writing if ideas come to my mind.
I think I’m just getting used to this “I can do this” mentality. It’s stressing me since I’ve not lived like that up to this point.
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I listened to 5 minutes of LBFH, the new update.
Day 18
New Emperor this morning
I’m wondering about Phoenix.
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Yeah. I find myself holding on to old patterns again, as I delayed responding to you Voytek.
It’s like I see limitations before I see possibilities.
I so want to grow out of old patterns, and I need good tools.
Edit: I’ll start Sunday night.
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Thank you for the push. I must have created a defensive stance internally, as my mind only saw you saying “No, no. Hold off for now.”
I would have complied. Fearing rejection steers a LOT of my decisions. In every single relationship.
I’ve been noticing this at work, where I’ll hesitate ONLY because I’m trying to avoid someone disagreeing or discounting my thoughts over something.
Living with freedom, trusting in my choices…has been a slow acquisition for me. I’m sure Phoenix will speed this up 
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