I’ve been reading your entries from the past week and it seems like you’re making excellent progress with some very profound introspection.
There is a major breakthrough waiting for you on the other side of this struggle/recon.
You got this 
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Phoenix is no joke. I’m liking it so far. So many changes in such a short time. New thoughts, new attitudes - I’m loving it.
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Day 4 of washout
Yeah. I’m inching closer to seeing how I treat myself, because that’s what I’ve been in denial about.
I usually see something in myself and am not greatly affected, but this is difficult since I’ve been denying it so long. I’ve been fighting to remain unaware.
@driver is right. This is no joke. It’s been challenging and weakening the iron wall of denial I’ve hid behind.
And I’m glad. I’m seeing how I’ve been punishing myself in secret for so long. As fucked up as that is, it’s still truth.
A month or two back, I was on Regeneration, and one day I had this part of me show up and all I could do was cry. It was like the curtain was pulled back, and I heard this weeping voice saying over and over “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry” He wanted forgiveness. I was stunned.
Today, I’m going out, hopefully finding some connections, some “a ha” moments. I don’t know what I’m heading into…and part of me doesn’t want to know.
But this self-blaming and self-harming has to stop. That’s why I’m in a wrestling match.
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Something I should admit. I know others who have been quiet about it too.
I was on the New Emperor and WB this last cycle. And almost on a daily basis, it shook my comfort zone. I’ve lied to myself so often and so regularly that it kept colliding with a more vulnerable truth.
It makes sense why Saint said he didn’t see a need for healing titles anymore.
It hit daily. Without mercy sometimes.
It wasn’t about the deepest issues. It was about real-life scenarios, how I coped, and it hurt. That made me adjust frequently. And I have no regrets with it.
But on washout, those effects are often louder, and I’m looking for where Emperor and WB are blooming now. The NSE changed EVERYTHING
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Day 1
Phoenix last night
Phoenix is at work. I’m looking for familiar fantasies, common hideouts, and it’s not working.
Writing is difficult too. Started writing yesterday. Twice. Realized I just wanted other’s approval.
Correction: I wanted what was familiar.
I’m gonna allow Phoenix to work.
Day 2
Rest day
I’ve always pulled out of the spotlight since I wanted to be perfect, and when I compared myself to others, I downplayed my worth. I bring that past truth up since when I’ve felt imperfect, I’ve withdrawn from relationships like in the forum here, with all friends I’ve known, and of course, my own birth family. I equate being discovered as imperfect with shame, that belief that says “I AM bad”. Not “I’ve done poorly”, just an overall pasting of no self-worth onto myself.
I’m going to just write realizations today since I’ve been having some all morning.
I’ve kept coming here in fear, imagining pure rejection and abandonment were I not perfect–or at least helpful to someone else. I grew up dependent on others approval since I, for some reason, believed other’s approval was more powerful.
And I can feel Phoenix working on those beliefs, which is why I post them.
Phoenix has been significantly quieter so far vs. all other SC healing subs I’ve used, and I’ve used them all except HeartSong and the updated Kahn St. 1. But I have seen it moving me unlike any of the others have done.
Case in point: taking action. On Emperor, for example, I’ll feel this quick push to get busy in things I’ve obviously avoided. But with Phoenix, I say “holy shit!” It’s not a madhouse of activity. What it IS is prompting me to take actions associated with some daily fears I avoid.
I realized I’ve imagined my housemate being all mean, nasty, and ultimately rejecting, so I’ve stayed clear. Far away. But Phoenix worked on something different. When I confronted other internal fears this last week, I had an unforgettable experience. For roughly 15 minutes, I WAS FREE. I WAS COMPLETELY FREE FROM FEAR! It was a dream come true, and I aim to feed that freedom moreso today and in days to come.
This morning, I deducted that I’d been trying to face my fears, some of which I did in my mind, and I had a grand showing that it works if I work it.
So, I got up earlier than usual, and even talked to my housemate freely about holiday plans and arrangements. I even asked him if he needed anything before I went shopping. My fears have grown mostly when I’ve fed them with more reasons “I am right”, even when I’m just scared. So, I stepped into some fears this morning, and I paid attention to my inner world while at it. Yep, fear is louder when I validate it, and it was much quieter this morning.
Listening to this piano rendition of U2’s “With or Without You” right now, making me think of high school. Music was freedom to me in those years.
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I’m not trying to bring you down with this comment, but I just want to make sure you aren’t putting all this on yourself. As a third party observer, your housemate seems disrespectful from the brief snippets you’ve wrote here about him. Are you saying those experiences were distorted or imagined in your head?
Something that’s hard to understand about abusive people. They aren’t abusive all the time. Their kinder side isn’t some side that you can bring out to the surface more or just re-establish your relationship with them by doing something different on your end. They’ll just move back to their shitty ways if that’s what they want to do.
I just noticed from your posts you’re hesitant around him. That very rarely comes from imagination. If you don’t feel safe around someone that’s A.) because their behavior reminds you of something you experienced in the past or B.) you’re tuned into behaviors that you’ve determined violate your own personal boundaries.
Again I’m not trying to bring your growth down on this sub because it sounds like it’s working really well. I just wanted to check in because he doesn’t really sound like a healthy person to be around.
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Thanks for seeking clarification @Fractal_Explorer.
First off, those fears I confronted last week were all when I was alone at work. No confrontation or anything of that sort. I just had time and willingness to address what was bothering me. Childish fears and thinking make me think it’s all my fault. But it wasn’t.
Now, here at home, I know he can be abusive if allowed, but I’ve also learned from many different interactions with people that I can, and have, set the stage for abusive behavior.
The main difference I’m experiencing now is I look to own my part first (to myself) when I’m mad at him. Did I expect him to be mean? Did I come in with a “fuck you” demeanor, wanting to piss him off? Did I set the day’s stage with him, or is he just venting at things which triggered him during his day?
I’m not responsible for his immature demands. I’m just responsible for myself and keeping clear of him when his expectations are making him an absolute ass.
Because we’re playing in the exact same game of power with each other. My part is to be aware of what’s running in my own head. That’s the only thing I have control over.
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Sounds good. Just checking in to make sure you’ve got a good handle on the situation, which sounds like you do.
This caught my eye though. How do you feel you set the stage for abusive behavior?
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My motive in engaging hostile people is me desiring attention, any at all. So I’ve read people, and sometimes the only thing they can offer is negativity and criticism. Quite simply, I’ve spent the vast majority of my life either living up to people’s expectations (much more desired now), or living down to them. My housemate grumbles about something (anything) daily, so if I feed that story that “I’ll fail you too”, I invite abusive talk and treatment. I didn’t actually deserve it; I just filled his trough of despair further, allowing him to complain and criticize.
I’ve written that above while realizing Phoenix is nixing out those “required” beliefs and behaviors to fulfill other’s expectations of me, good or bad. Being metaphorical now, I had 10,000 rubber bands tying me to such beliefs before. Now I only have a few hundred. This was my old standard.
But I am still reconciling that I’m not like that anymore, really. I have a choice. Before, I went there uncomfortably but under demand by my subconscious to keep me “safe”. It was the belief that “doing the thing with known consequences will keep me safe.”
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I’m writing to share what’s running me at this moment: shame.
Last Wednesday, I signed up for a very profitable business that I’ve been watching over 4 years now. However…
That same old shame and reluctance to move forward has grabbed onto me again. I usually do my best work using my heart, but my heart feels distanced from me in this setting–once again. A young part of me feels relieved. The adult part is pretty confused, scared of losing, and is just not sure how to resolve this.
I don’t want to face this feeling of failure–which is from a child’s mindset. The adult in me feels kind of clueless.
Taking action–I’m going to listen to Phoenix tonight.
I admit also that strong feelings like this invite strong subliminals to hit the root, not the branches. I don’t know how deep Phoenix will dig, but I’ve had concrete experience with Regeneration (roughly 2 months back), knowing it would hit these blockades with precision and purpose.
I’ll start with Phoenix. I want healing.
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Day 3
Phoenix: last night and 5 minutes ago
I decided to run Phoenix again this morning. I really crave a freedom from this thinking of pain and fear, so I thought I’d give it some gas.
I want to echo @Michel from a recent post of his.
I’ve thought I’d have to abandon my family if I was ever successful. Like a dangerous “either/or”.
This issue isn’t done. I’m aware of this, but it’s not resolved
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I’m at work.
Guilt is what’s being worked on right now. So much so that I think last Thursday’s epiphany was a release of self-imposed guilt.
I’ve honestly rarely known what my big issues were. In families of alcoholics, that blaming of ourselves runs rampant. And I’ve been running from this my whole life.
I’ll write later.
Day 4
Rest day
I feel melancholy this morning. I mention it because it runs deeper, even freer than normal.
I usually have some level of physical constriction, like my body is saying “no” to expressing it.
Phoenix is truly doing something new.
I feel and sense a freedom rising. And when I look over next to me, I sense this sad part of me. It’s different, because there’s no division, no pushing away of that self.
I could go on and on, literally. I’ve never felt this freedom.
Gotta get ready for work though. Been writing for 15 minutes, and I started late. Been crying some too. This is real.
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Day 5
Maybe 2 runs of Phoenix per listening day is too much. It may be. I listened to 5 minutes last night, then 5 minutes this morning. I felt slightly stressed all day, like sad but not fully, and a basic unhappiness.
One thing I noticed, and it kind of clicks with some repeated struggles I’ve had, especially with my living situation:
I’m seeing (again, after seeing this with a competitor’s subs years back) that I’m living in some continual denial of truth in my life. My mind has not been in reality. I ignore or get offended when someone either wants to point out this standard of mine, or if someone tries to force me to see truth.
To give this some traction, my housemate usually wants me to change, but fuck him.
—I realize I was comfortable living alone since noone checked my mentality. I created what I wanted to. And I’d avoid anyone who thought differently. (or maybe they avoided me…)
I worked with a good-hearted guy today. Not an unhappy soul. I just realized I felt a tad bit irritated by his excitement and talkativeness. I didn’t slide right into bitter self-pity like I’ve done in the past. --I’m only beginning to see how much I still hide in life, as my irritability was because his life challenged my own, and he didn’t pressure me at all. He was just himself.
I haven’t written like this ("this’ meaning "honestly) in years. I have this feeling in my gut like I’m a little kid emotionally–but I’m not stressed. All my adult life I’ve worn a mask so you’d see what I wanted you to see. Phoenix has torn down that wall some, and it wasn’t uncomfortable like I would have expected it to.
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Day 6
Rest day
Phoenix is working on something.
I just realized something. I am so used to distancing myself emotionally. What is that word? I completely divorce emotion from what is happening. @Fractal_Explorer will know.
I’m more into those emotions this morning, and was yesterday too. I feel less of that terror associated with it. And I’ve never even been aware of that terror.
I’ll share what is normal. I’ll feel some emotion, but also have a sharp fear rise with it. I’ll want to express it, but the fear will strengthen, causing frustration and anger. That very cycle is how I’ve been stuck all these years. Fear always won, and to hide the repeated losses to myself, I’ve looked for hideouts. Sweets, a coffee high, movies, anything more pleasant than the feeling that I’m not even worth my own attention.
Even now. I wrote that, was hit by the truth, and fear began to rise since that paragraph has so many emotional memories tied to it. That’s life for me on a daily basis.
One important note (to myself). DR took down that daily onslaught of fear. I expressed myself daily, wherever I was at. And my largest journals were my DR journals.
Less fear, more expression. Which is why this is such a long post 
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