@dorfmeister anything in here that might help you?
You mean in this thread? I have not yet read any of it, but will start looking through.
Thank you for clarifying. I was actually just referring to the above quotes here:
I find my anxiety taking on different intensities and qualities, but my response to it seems too much the same. My response has not yet led to a higher quality of life.
I am not sure what to say about reconciliation, if I have experienced it or what to do about it.
Probably should have tried to answer these in my own journal.
Just keep thinking and asking yourself questions to get you to where you want to go…
@COWolfe thank you for the cyber space we have occupied here.
Very interesting. I had a similar experience with a dream I had a few days ago.
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Woke up in a horrible mood this morning. I was mentally screaming at my wife while I was showering. I felt a lot of resentment at her for putting us n this situation just before I got things sorted out so we might be able to handle it ok.
This is because our financial problems are once again coming to a head, or at least it feels like it to me, and despite feeling less stress than I otherwise would be, I’m still feeling it today. -
This afternoon I started following up on an idea that might just solve a lot of our problems. We shall see, but at least I’m getting on it.
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It’s odd how listened to 1 loop on Monday, and here it is Friday and I’m still feeling it!
DR is strong and it makes for strong results.
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I’m running three five days a week. Not having any problems. Damn, but it’s working though.
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- The stress alleviated after I made the phone contact. I think that taking any kind of action relieves reconciliation stress no matter that I’m unsure of the results. Even trying to do something breaks me out of thinking “there’s nothing I can do”.
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Excellent insights!
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**Stage 1 Cycle 2 Week 3**
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This was not as productive of a weekend as I had planned. Or at least so I thought while it was going on. A couple of frustrating things happened to slow me down. However, now that I’m sitting at work, I see that I got the two things that I’d really assigned myself done. One small area of the house turned from disaster area to neat and clean, and one contact made that could help us both get out of financial distress and get into the single story house that my wife is starting to need due to her MS.
That’s two things I did to move life from the state of entropy that it was in toward the state of order that I want it in. I just had some trouble seeing it because there were a few other things I’d meant to do that I was frustrated about not being able to get to. But looking back, Great Job Me!
Matter of fact, I’ve done at least one thing for each category each weekend for the last few. Plus I’ve been maintaining the order in the places in the house I’ve imposed it. So Consistent Great Job Me! -
The bad mood that I was in on Friday dissipated on Saturday and was pretty good today. Positive thinking really seems to be the norm for me now, and has become so ingrained that it just seems normal. Occasionally a negative voice pops up when I’m stressed or something potentially bad is on the horizon, but they are a pale shadow of what once dominated my mind. Dominus and prior Subclub as well as other subs get a lot of credit for this too.
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The wife went off on me again for not organizing things the way she would, and that morphed into a long list of my faults. I told her that if I have to do all of the work, she was just going to have to deal with how it got done.
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The final version of Stage 2 of DE has been completed and is ready to go. I’ll be starting that on March 21st. I have added:
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Eye of the Storm: I need to develop better habits and get rid of a few that are in the way.
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Furious Ascent: One of my major stumbling blocks in getting the life I want has been fear based hesitation and inhibition. While DR is rooting out the base causes, this sounds like it will deal with the symptom more directly.
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Fearsome: I’ve always been a little too mild and nice. It’s allowed me to be walked on more than I’d like. I’ll be blunt, I don’t think that I’m getting the proper respect in my own home. Especially considering I am pretty much pulling all the weight for four people and they are all completely dependent on me. A little bit of fear, especially in a person who has learned that she has nothing to fear from me might solve that problem.
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Eagle Eye: I really think that one of my problems has always been that I have difficulty reading people and being sure of it. This should pair well with All Seeing which is already in there.
I’m psyched to try this, but I will stick to the plan and schedule.
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Awesome how you’re making progress and holding it together!
Sounds like DR and Emperor is working!
As for your custom, I’m considering something similar.
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- I have been reading some people’s journals here, and I’m starting to feel some trepidation about starting Stage 2. It seems to me that while Stage 1 was about changing limiting beliefs, Stage 2 is about dealing with things on an emotional level. To say that thats not my strong suit was would be an understatement of epic proportions.
I tend to deal with emotion by…not dealing with it…ever… if I can possibly avoid it. I just stuff anything I feel wherever these things get stuffed and leave it there.
Why? You ask? Well, it was an adaptation I made in early childhood which I kept reinforcing because it kept being necessary. Or at least I thought it was so I kept strengthening the walls around my emotions until the present day when under normal conditions, I feel pretty much nothing, or at least am mostly unaware of what I’m feeling.
There are a couple of reasons I did that. The first of which (I’ve mentioned this before) is that my father became an emotional wreck and crumbled at the slightest stress. That left me managing the situation and being the one responsible for holding it together and making sure everything came out ok. So starting at about six years old I had to stuff all of the fear and stress that seeing my father freak the fuck out (over what I now know were usually pretty minor things) like the world was ending, and think rationally, make good decisions and be calm enough to try to comfort and pacify him. I had to take on the adult role. Dad of course kept the adult authority.
Let me tell you, seeing a parent lose it and feeling responsible for the outcome is terrifying for a little kid. I had to compartmentalize the fear and assorted negative emotions. Of course I didn’t have the wherewithal to find a healthy way to do that, so I stuffed them into a metaphorical box and hoped they’d stay there.
They did, but I had to keep making the walls thicker (IE. spend more mental energy repressing everything)
School wasn’t helpful either. For various reasons, I stuck out as a misfit starting day one, and I went to a small rural school where misfits were not treated well.
It turns out that other kids like to emotionally hurt misfits and the more they see they hurt you, the more they’ll do it. Solution: Show nothing. Repress emotion further. Build walls thicker.
This served a purpose at the time, and later when I worked in Emergency Services, but it’s left me without, call it, access to my emotions.
All I do for manifestation and to psych myself up to achieve things is purely intellectual. I’m basically just talking to myself. There’s no passion behind it because I can’t get at my passion.
I’ve done great things making my thinking positive, but I can’t intellectualize my way to the kind of life I want. I have to connect the thoughts to feeling.
The containment on the negative emotions I’ve stuffed down isn’t perfect either. Fear and anger seep out, often at the most in opportune moments, and I know there’s a massive amount of crap behind that emotional wall. The wall has to be breached and what’s behind it faced head on if I’m to be the person I’m supposed to be.
That’s why I’m nervous about stage 2. And why it’s exactly what I need to run right into.
Damn, I wasn’t expecting that to be that long and rambling.
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- Started to feel a bit down after my loops tonight. Also started thinking. I have a lot of time to do that on my boring ass job. I fell on how much my inhibitions have limited the life I’ve been living.
I seem to have trouble doing a lot of things that involve social risk, or are even mildly against formal or informal “rules”, or that don’t fit into my fairly narrow vision of what I do. I have a rich fantasy life, and sometimes tell myself that I’m going to do something exciting, but I hit a lot of resistance when it comes to actually doing any of it.
It seems that I have a lot of self imposed boundaries that I’ve got a hard time crossing. I’m not talking about robbing banks here either. These are usually pretty minor things that a lot of people do.
I think that one of the things I need to do here is cross one of those lines.
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I’ve read the above 2 posts, and I think I understand your concern.
TBH if I knew what I now know about st4 of DR, I would have been afraid to start it. However I have noticed the emotional pay off feels as high as the emotional pain I’ve had.
I think practically speaking you have 4 options
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continue with stage 1 for another 30 days and re-evaluate
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start stage 2 knowing you can always pause and go back to stage 1
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run stage 1 and stage 2 at one loop a day each 5 times a week
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start stage 2 and take more rest days
Also you could have Sanguine on stand by as that might help.
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- Start Stage 2 when scheduled realizing that it might not be the most pleasant thing ever but it’s necessary to get where I want to get.
I’ve been repressing my emotions so much for so long that I can’t not repress them. If I want everything to work right, I need a tool to help drill through those walls.
I don’t start stage 2 for another month anyway and Sanguine is in DE. If this causes me discomfort, it’s discomfort that I need to go through.
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Both DR and RICH feel like I’m just listening to background noise now. That’s good. In my experience, that means that they’ve overcome the initial strong recon phase and are now doing their thing behind the scenes. This is when the real results tend to show up. Especially with manifestation subs like RICH.
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I’m about to hit halfway through the second cycle of stage one. It both feels like I’ve been on this thing forever, and like I just started, but I’ve made an amazing amount of internal change.
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To expand on what I’ve been talking about with @RVconsultant, I need some serious work on the emotional level. Subliminals have had a miraculous effect on my thinking. The words and images that go through my head are a thousand times more positive than they used to be.
I feel better emotionally too, but by better I mean theres less of the bad, not so much that there’s a lot more of the good.
All of my emotions are stuck behind that firewall of rigid control. I felt the negative stuff when I was thinking negatively because the thinking caused it to bleed through a bit. Now that I’m thinking a lot more positively that happens less.
What I need to do and what I’m expecting stage 2 to do is to get through that firewall so I can actually feel the other stuff.
I need to get at my passions in order to make manifestation work and give me the drive I’ll need to succeed. Plus, I’d like to feel happiness, enjoyment and all of that more than I do.
To get at that, I’ll have to breach that firewall. Unfortunately, behind it is a high pressure mass of all the negative crap that I’ve stuffed in there for many years. I can feel that while I’m shoving it down.
I’ll have to let it all out and face it. But I need to do that, and I’m expecting to on Stage 2. I’ve come about as far as I can without doing that, so it’s time.
I plan to hit stage 2 full force and keep going through it until I’m through it. Embrace the Suck and keep going if that’s what it takes. T minus three weeks to that. -
I moved the ball forward on a potential financial solution when I got up today. Then committed a massacre. We have had a fly problem in the house this year, and it didn’t end with summer. So today, I took a thing called a Bug-A-Salt, a gun that fires salt hard enough to kill a fly at range, and went through the house viciously slaughtering as many as I could.
It was fun, so I didn’t realize it was a major cleaning task until I was done for the day. However, the place looked and felt better, so that counts as having imposed a little order.
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To add to the feeling good while changing the bad, I’m going to be adding Love Bomb to my stack. I’ve been eyeing it for a week, and the official version was just released.
And come to think of it, I’m feeling internally pressured to. Feeling good is not my normal default, so in real life, I’ve not normally felt strong and loving. I remember a healing sub I used from another producer which had self-love in it----and it was strange to my day-to-day reality. I’m feeling pressed to step into this unknown. Being kinder to myself while facing the fruit of old ways is what I’m after.
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