Awesome how you’re making progress and holding it together!
Sounds like DR and Emperor is working!
As for your custom, I’m considering something similar.
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- I have been reading some people’s journals here, and I’m starting to feel some trepidation about starting Stage 2. It seems to me that while Stage 1 was about changing limiting beliefs, Stage 2 is about dealing with things on an emotional level. To say that thats not my strong suit was would be an understatement of epic proportions.
I tend to deal with emotion by…not dealing with it…ever… if I can possibly avoid it. I just stuff anything I feel wherever these things get stuffed and leave it there.
Why? You ask? Well, it was an adaptation I made in early childhood which I kept reinforcing because it kept being necessary. Or at least I thought it was so I kept strengthening the walls around my emotions until the present day when under normal conditions, I feel pretty much nothing, or at least am mostly unaware of what I’m feeling.
There are a couple of reasons I did that. The first of which (I’ve mentioned this before) is that my father became an emotional wreck and crumbled at the slightest stress. That left me managing the situation and being the one responsible for holding it together and making sure everything came out ok. So starting at about six years old I had to stuff all of the fear and stress that seeing my father freak the fuck out (over what I now know were usually pretty minor things) like the world was ending, and think rationally, make good decisions and be calm enough to try to comfort and pacify him. I had to take on the adult role. Dad of course kept the adult authority.
Let me tell you, seeing a parent lose it and feeling responsible for the outcome is terrifying for a little kid. I had to compartmentalize the fear and assorted negative emotions. Of course I didn’t have the wherewithal to find a healthy way to do that, so I stuffed them into a metaphorical box and hoped they’d stay there.
They did, but I had to keep making the walls thicker (IE. spend more mental energy repressing everything)
School wasn’t helpful either. For various reasons, I stuck out as a misfit starting day one, and I went to a small rural school where misfits were not treated well.
It turns out that other kids like to emotionally hurt misfits and the more they see they hurt you, the more they’ll do it. Solution: Show nothing. Repress emotion further. Build walls thicker.
This served a purpose at the time, and later when I worked in Emergency Services, but it’s left me without, call it, access to my emotions.
All I do for manifestation and to psych myself up to achieve things is purely intellectual. I’m basically just talking to myself. There’s no passion behind it because I can’t get at my passion.
I’ve done great things making my thinking positive, but I can’t intellectualize my way to the kind of life I want. I have to connect the thoughts to feeling.
The containment on the negative emotions I’ve stuffed down isn’t perfect either. Fear and anger seep out, often at the most in opportune moments, and I know there’s a massive amount of crap behind that emotional wall. The wall has to be breached and what’s behind it faced head on if I’m to be the person I’m supposed to be.
That’s why I’m nervous about stage 2. And why it’s exactly what I need to run right into.
Damn, I wasn’t expecting that to be that long and rambling.
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- Started to feel a bit down after my loops tonight. Also started thinking. I have a lot of time to do that on my boring ass job. I fell on how much my inhibitions have limited the life I’ve been living.
I seem to have trouble doing a lot of things that involve social risk, or are even mildly against formal or informal “rules”, or that don’t fit into my fairly narrow vision of what I do. I have a rich fantasy life, and sometimes tell myself that I’m going to do something exciting, but I hit a lot of resistance when it comes to actually doing any of it.
It seems that I have a lot of self imposed boundaries that I’ve got a hard time crossing. I’m not talking about robbing banks here either. These are usually pretty minor things that a lot of people do.
I think that one of the things I need to do here is cross one of those lines.
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I’ve read the above 2 posts, and I think I understand your concern.
TBH if I knew what I now know about st4 of DR, I would have been afraid to start it. However I have noticed the emotional pay off feels as high as the emotional pain I’ve had.
I think practically speaking you have 4 options
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continue with stage 1 for another 30 days and re-evaluate
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start stage 2 knowing you can always pause and go back to stage 1
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run stage 1 and stage 2 at one loop a day each 5 times a week
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start stage 2 and take more rest days
Also you could have Sanguine on stand by as that might help.
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- Start Stage 2 when scheduled realizing that it might not be the most pleasant thing ever but it’s necessary to get where I want to get.
I’ve been repressing my emotions so much for so long that I can’t not repress them. If I want everything to work right, I need a tool to help drill through those walls.
I don’t start stage 2 for another month anyway and Sanguine is in DE. If this causes me discomfort, it’s discomfort that I need to go through.
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Both DR and RICH feel like I’m just listening to background noise now. That’s good. In my experience, that means that they’ve overcome the initial strong recon phase and are now doing their thing behind the scenes. This is when the real results tend to show up. Especially with manifestation subs like RICH.
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I’m about to hit halfway through the second cycle of stage one. It both feels like I’ve been on this thing forever, and like I just started, but I’ve made an amazing amount of internal change.
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To expand on what I’ve been talking about with @RVconsultant, I need some serious work on the emotional level. Subliminals have had a miraculous effect on my thinking. The words and images that go through my head are a thousand times more positive than they used to be.
I feel better emotionally too, but by better I mean theres less of the bad, not so much that there’s a lot more of the good.
All of my emotions are stuck behind that firewall of rigid control. I felt the negative stuff when I was thinking negatively because the thinking caused it to bleed through a bit. Now that I’m thinking a lot more positively that happens less.
What I need to do and what I’m expecting stage 2 to do is to get through that firewall so I can actually feel the other stuff.
I need to get at my passions in order to make manifestation work and give me the drive I’ll need to succeed. Plus, I’d like to feel happiness, enjoyment and all of that more than I do.
To get at that, I’ll have to breach that firewall. Unfortunately, behind it is a high pressure mass of all the negative crap that I’ve stuffed in there for many years. I can feel that while I’m shoving it down.
I’ll have to let it all out and face it. But I need to do that, and I’m expecting to on Stage 2. I’ve come about as far as I can without doing that, so it’s time.
I plan to hit stage 2 full force and keep going through it until I’m through it. Embrace the Suck and keep going if that’s what it takes. T minus three weeks to that. -
I moved the ball forward on a potential financial solution when I got up today. Then committed a massacre. We have had a fly problem in the house this year, and it didn’t end with summer. So today, I took a thing called a Bug-A-Salt, a gun that fires salt hard enough to kill a fly at range, and went through the house viciously slaughtering as many as I could.
It was fun, so I didn’t realize it was a major cleaning task until I was done for the day. However, the place looked and felt better, so that counts as having imposed a little order.
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To add to the feeling good while changing the bad, I’m going to be adding Love Bomb to my stack. I’ve been eyeing it for a week, and the official version was just released.
And come to think of it, I’m feeling internally pressured to. Feeling good is not my normal default, so in real life, I’ve not normally felt strong and loving. I remember a healing sub I used from another producer which had self-love in it----and it was strange to my day-to-day reality. I’m feeling pressed to step into this unknown. Being kinder to myself while facing the fruit of old ways is what I’m after.
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I suppose I love myself now, but I really don’t think in those terms very often. What I’ve always wanted and needed is to respect myself, and I feel that building day by day.
I can emphasize about feeling good not being a normal default. I’m not sure that I know what that means in the long term. But I’m getting to the point where my default isn’t bad anymore. I suppose the only next step from there is to start feeling good. Hopefully stage 2 helps make that possible. I am bracing myself for the first few weeks to be a bit rough though.
I considered Love Bomb briefly, but from the description, that just isn’t me.
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I realize I often am not direct in my words, and it confuses people.
I’m looking at Love Bomb so I’ll not be so damn hard on myself. I just took a shower and imagined me posting in my DR journal. While imagining this, I discounted, corrected, dismissed, and berated MYSELF constantly.
I kick my own ass a lot. Something’s got to change. I’ve run one loop of my St1 custom last night, so it might be subtle recon presently too.
I know what that’s like. Come to think of it, that’s GONE. I mean I don’t remember the last time I did that. And I used to do it all fucking day every fucking day. Possibly before I got on DE, but Damn that’s amazing.
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Go for it man!
Me too.
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This stage of DR seems to be doing a really good job of revealing the sources of my mental hang ups on a logical level and helping me to change the narratives to something that helps me have more confidence and think better of myself.
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What came up today was the real reason, at least the main one that I was a social outcast throughout most of my school career. That did a lot of damage to me because I thought that if I was treated like I was inferior and no one wanted me around, it meant that I was inferior and repulsive to others. I thought that there was something wrong with me because that’s what I was told a million times by my other kids.
There wasn’t though. I just didn’t conform to their hierarchy.
The problem was that I was neither a leader or a follower. That confused them.
At least in the small rural school I went to, there were some kids who came in the door with confidence, high social skills, and they told the others what to do and decided what everyone was going to do and who was welcome to join in. They also decided who was going to be treated like crap and when. Today, we’d call them the Alphas.
Then there was everyone else who just went along with what the Alphas wanted to do, were interested in the same stuff, and piled on when the Alphas didn’t like someone.
I wasn’t either one. I was different. At first I suppose I tried to take the leader, but no one wanted to follow me. I didn’t have any of the traits that the Alphas had. I was funny looking at the time. I was big for my age, and kinda hadn’t learned to control my body yet so I was clumsy and not athletic.
I also wasn’t interested in doing what the leaders usually decided that everyone was going to do, and it didn’t bother me to go off by myself and do my own thing. That’s what I did most of the time.
I confused them because I didn’t participate into the normal social structure, and not being in the circle really didn’t bother me.
I wasn’t inferior and there was nothing wrong with me. Kids just tend to attack things that they don’t understand, and they really didn’t understand why I didn’t seem to care if I was included or not. That’s all it was. I was neither an Alpha or a Beta, and to a large extent I’m still not. That’s a lot of trauma and torment I now understand better. -
The roads were crappy when I was driving in to work. Even last year, that caused me to be extremely tense and nervous the entire time. Now, there was zero tension about it. I drove a bit faster than I would have, but not enough to be stupid and had absolute faith in my ability to handle it. That’s actually a huge change.
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There are good insights here and I think DR is doing some good work, as are you!
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I couldn’t agree more. Keep going! 
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I got up and got a call from one of my contacts regarding getting our financial problems dealt with and into a new house. It wasn’t great news but not horrible. I need to do some credit repair before we move forward with that, but not as much as I had feared. I might have taken this news badly before, but I feel ok about it this time. I’m noticing that I’m a lot more optimistic about our money situation. If I keep working the problem, it feels inevitable that I will find a solution.
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When I woke up this morning, I “heard” a dialogue between mental voices going on in my head again while I was not fully awake. I don’t recall what was said, but I think it was sub related and had something to do with getting money.
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After I got up I got one of my housecleaning tasks done. I’m feeling a lot more energy to do routine tasks and a lot less urge to procrastinate.
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I don’t even know where to start…
Manifestation?
DR mellow-ness.
I know what that is like.
I’ve noticed this with DR too.
Remember to congratulate yourself!
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This is my first off day, and I’ve noticed one thing. No noticeable recon. No pressure in the head, no negative feelings cropping up, no feeling cognitively off, no negative thought patterns, nothing.
I’m thinking that in the case of a four stage program that might be a sign that it’s time to switch to the next stage. However, on this one I made a plan and I’m sticking to it. That puts my start date for stage two at March 15th. -
I got up pretty early and got on things again today. I got stuff accomplished. Unfortunately it was my weekly bout of cleaning up the kitchen that my wife and roommate remessed from last week’s bout of cleaning. This is getting annoying. They just don’t care, and know that if they leave a mess I’ll clean it up.
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I was talking to the roommate and I realized something. I could very well have ended up like her in some ways, and I’m very glad I didn’t. She does not in any way connect her thinking and behavior patterns to the patterns of things that happen to her. I mean not at all. There are a legion of things she does that hurt her badly and have throughout her life, but she acts like the universe and other people are being mean to her and she’s a hapless victim. Wow! I used to do that, and I never want to again.
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I’m happy for you man!
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I had a pretty good day again today. Not a hint of reconciliation, no anxiety, enjoyed the day and got a few things done.
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I had a couple of pertinent phrases come into my mind today. Pretty sure they relate to my subliminal journey. The one I recall right off is “I’m no longer afraid of being lost”. Of course that popped into my head right after I made a wrong turn, but there was more to it than that. I have mentioned before how I’ve stopped focusing on forcing my life down a certain path, and have no real sense of what my future is going to look like. This would have been extremely distressing to me a while ago. Now I’m perfectly at peace with it. For now anyway. I think that I needed to be lost and give up the iron clad sense of control I was trying to achieve in order to learn to navigate with the currents of life rather than trying to plot a course against them. Learning to be OK with being lost is a step toward that.
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I think this is also a profound metaphor here.
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