I bet if you listen to DR and don’t do anything else, just listen like while meditating…just sit with DR and mentally invoke the Negator deliberately…
DR will bring it out to play more to dissolve and/or reframe it to help you out more and more.
Like think about the times the Negator did its thing…just “aim” DR right at it. Visualize and think about your goals…all of it…This is exciting times for you I think
I may give that a try if I ever get a moment to myself. I think thats happening anyway. I usually find that when something like that pops into my head DR has already done a good amount of chewing (or flaming) on it.
The difference I’m noticing is that I am now seeing it happen, and I’m sensing The Negator as something separate from the “me point” in my head, coming from a specific place in my mind, and separate from the rest of my mind.
This happened with the negative thought voice that I used to berate belittle and insult me pretty much constantly. I started seeing it as a thing separate from “me”, started being able to see how it worked and be able to silence it, then it just kinda faded away.
I felt a little nervous, or perhaps it’s just energized and still interpreting the feeling that way when I woke up this morning. It wasn’t bad and didn’t last very long.
My anxiety is definitely lessening over time. I feel a lot better than I did before starting DE and I felt much better when I did that than I did before I started Dominus. It spiked a bit last week, I think because of recon from RICH. I should know by now that that sense of impending doom and associated stress is how reconciliation hits me. It doesn’t make it easy to brush off while I’m going through it, but at least I have a clue about what I’m experiencing.
I think I’ve figured out what the “I’ve done something horrible” dreams are about. I seem to have had them when I was having some success at some kind of self improvement thing. In this case it was DE.
In the dreams it’s kind of like I wake up in someone else’s life after they’ve done something horrible and are about to face massive life destroying consequences for it. They are me but not me. I have the knowledge that I did it, but no memory of it, and I always think “I’d never do that, how could I possibly have done that?”. But I know that I’m going to have to face the consequences.
This makes a hell of a lot of sense in the context of running DR. In a way the new me is waking up in the life that the old me has created. He made a lot of mistakes that the new me never would, and many aspects of my life are kind of a mess. The dream represents my worry that while I am a stronger, better, more well adjusted person now, I got there too late to escape the pitfalls that old me steered me into and enjoy the kind of life that I deserve now that I’ve changed.
I am sure that this is just a phase in the process, and something that’s been under the surface bothering me that has now come to light.
@COWolfe, I enjoy reading your posts. They’re very real and very authentic. I’m still in your January posts currently.
Thank you for keeping it real, as it models truthfulness to me. I crave it in myself currently.
You mean in this thread? I have not yet read any of it, but will start looking through.
Thank you for clarifying. I was actually just referring to the above quotes here:
I find my anxiety taking on different intensities and qualities, but my response to it seems too much the same. My response has not yet led to a higher quality of life.
I am not sure what to say about reconciliation, if I have experienced it or what to do about it.
Probably should have tried to answer these in my own journal.
Just keep thinking and asking yourself questions to get you to where you want to go…
@COWolfe thank you for the cyber space we have occupied here.
Very interesting. I had a similar experience with a dream I had a few days ago.
Woke up in a horrible mood this morning. I was mentally screaming at my wife while I was showering. I felt a lot of resentment at her for putting us n this situation just before I got things sorted out so we might be able to handle it ok.
This is because our financial problems are once again coming to a head, or at least it feels like it to me, and despite feeling less stress than I otherwise would be, I’m still feeling it today.
This afternoon I started following up on an idea that might just solve a lot of our problems. We shall see, but at least I’m getting on it.
It’s odd how listened to 1 loop on Monday, and here it is Friday and I’m still feeling it!
DR is strong and it makes for strong results.
I’m running three five days a week. Not having any problems. Damn, but it’s working though.
Excellent insights!
**Stage 1 Cycle 2 Week 3**
This was not as productive of a weekend as I had planned. Or at least so I thought while it was going on. A couple of frustrating things happened to slow me down. However, now that I’m sitting at work, I see that I got the two things that I’d really assigned myself done. One small area of the house turned from disaster area to neat and clean, and one contact made that could help us both get out of financial distress and get into the single story house that my wife is starting to need due to her MS.
That’s two things I did to move life from the state of entropy that it was in toward the state of order that I want it in. I just had some trouble seeing it because there were a few other things I’d meant to do that I was frustrated about not being able to get to. But looking back, Great Job Me!
Matter of fact, I’ve done at least one thing for each category each weekend for the last few. Plus I’ve been maintaining the order in the places in the house I’ve imposed it. So Consistent Great Job Me!
The bad mood that I was in on Friday dissipated on Saturday and was pretty good today. Positive thinking really seems to be the norm for me now, and has become so ingrained that it just seems normal. Occasionally a negative voice pops up when I’m stressed or something potentially bad is on the horizon, but they are a pale shadow of what once dominated my mind. Dominus and prior Subclub as well as other subs get a lot of credit for this too.
The wife went off on me again for not organizing things the way she would, and that morphed into a long list of my faults. I told her that if I have to do all of the work, she was just going to have to deal with how it got done.
The final version of Stage 2 of DE has been completed and is ready to go. I’ll be starting that on March 21st. I have added:
Eye of the Storm: I need to develop better habits and get rid of a few that are in the way.
Furious Ascent: One of my major stumbling blocks in getting the life I want has been fear based hesitation and inhibition. While DR is rooting out the base causes, this sounds like it will deal with the symptom more directly.
Fearsome: I’ve always been a little too mild and nice. It’s allowed me to be walked on more than I’d like. I’ll be blunt, I don’t think that I’m getting the proper respect in my own home. Especially considering I am pretty much pulling all the weight for four people and they are all completely dependent on me. A little bit of fear, especially in a person who has learned that she has nothing to fear from me might solve that problem.
Eagle Eye: I really think that one of my problems has always been that I have difficulty reading people and being sure of it. This should pair well with All Seeing which is already in there.
I’m psyched to try this, but I will stick to the plan and schedule.
Awesome how you’re making progress and holding it together!
Sounds like DR and Emperor is working!
As for your custom, I’m considering something similar.