SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#177

I’m also seeing something which keeps me repeating old mistakes. I reread my post above, I considered taking an action to expose more, but fear stood in my path, saying “NO!!”

My inner reaction was being spotty in my thinking long enough to NOT remember it. There was too much imagined pain there. I avoided it altogether. That pain made my decision.

What hit me before blipping it out of awareness was “this is why I don’t learn from my mistakes”. It keeps me in a fantasy world, stuck in immaturity. I know this is true here in my life.

2 Likes
#178

Bit by bit, you are stepping out of the “comfortable” fear box - and more importantly you are intact. :+1:

2 Likes
#179

Thanks @Michel. I’m sitting here realizing I’m seeking a safe spot away from fears, and also seeing outside my normal fears simultaneously. It makes me not feel completely controlled by fear. Kind of a cool but weird spot.

Definitely beats feeling “stuck”.

2 Likes
#180

May 13, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd rest day

I woke up and felt ok. I didn’t want to get out of bed. Been wondering why.

Simple. I most often default to other’s wants and desires, seeking validation and a sense of worth from outside. Hiding in bed is one way I can insist on getting what I want–and I saw something clear. By closing my eyes, I can keep my small world intact. Since I default to your desires (anyone’s) I avoid that by avoiding you. As soon as I got up for a cup of coffee, regular intrusions came in.

He wants this.
This boss needs that.
(All are a variation of “I’ve got to make someone happy with me today”)

All are habitual fears I’ve thought I didn’t have power over. In other words, the fears keep me from having my own life. I feel a loss of control.

What do I want? I’d like some control over my life, to make choices for me. I’m looking for the little ones.

Today I have some relief since I know I’ll be working alone today. That, for the most part, allows me time to go mentally where I want. I’ll have more choice over the fears which want to enter my mind.

Also…I realized the root while writing. I felt like I failed making my mother happy growing up. I’ve spent my life trying to soothe that wound. This is my root.

1 Like
#181

May 14, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
Listening to DR custom and Elixir now

I see DR working in me this morning. As I considered writing for the last 10 minutes, I felt pained since I kept seeking out “normal, comfortable…SAFE” things to say.

And I’ve had this different voice pop up and say “What? No. I’m going to be me, ugly or not”

And that battle’s still going on.

I came here to be liked (by others), my old norm. My old fallback. Part of me just wanted to be liked since I’d done something unplanned, but a first with ZP. (I’m still looking for the me-too train to jump on…fear pushes that).

I listened to my titles in masked this morning, my first time with ZP. Updates are screwing with my windows pc, so I downloaded them onto my laptop, accidentally clicking on masked instead of ultrasonic, and my custom was in the standard masked, so I listened. Elixir is in Solace.

I’d like to say nothing’s happening (since that’s safe, untrue, and discloses absolutely nothing about myself), but I’m still uncomfortable trying to diss myself. It’s working on me ignoring me. Nobody else does this to me like I do. Yeah. It’s definitely working.

I almost ended this since, again, that’d be safe.

The root of this is avoiding my fear of abandonment. “If I’m palatable, nice, blah blah, people won’t abandon me”. There is more there. It’s working.

1 Like
#182

May 15, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
1st rest day

I’m getting to a point I have never been with any healing endeavor I’ve ever done.

For decades now, I’ve felt some emotional and mental pain daily. I did today. And like most days in the past, I’ve used anything in my reach to avoid it. Just distracting myself…somehow…anyhow. In any way. That’s how I’ve coped. “Pain? What pain?” Daily denial was used.

But what’s significant is…I’ve felt ok with doing this. I knew I was avoiding it, and success meant I might not have to face it, if even for a few hours. Sleep, work, food, drinks, people, lack of people. ANYTHING for relief.

I just got off the Regeneration ZP discussion page, and I’m steadily becoming NOT ok with ignoring it. I don’t know if I’ve relied on that pain to keep me using my little coping mechanisms, but I do know I’ve avoided the pain of separation from this old and stable norm in my life–even though that norm was all pain. I’ve definitely avoided separating from it.

And I sat home today, watching a number of tear-jerking movies (I cried in every movie), making me realize I’m tired of punishing myself with daily pain.

I’m just on an unfamiliar edge of realizing I have the choice to get out of this. It’s regret mixed with hope mixed with courage.

I feel unqualified (?) talking about this due to my recent and not-so-recent past and the choices I’ve made. I’ve never been here.

2 Likes
Main Disc. Thread - Dragon Reborn ZP
#183

May 16, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd rest day

I saw my ex yesterday since she was in town. She’s got a business conference in my state.

I’m writing first to share I was dreaming of our interaction yesterday.

Background: In 2006, I had a planned brain surgery to remove seizure triggers (which was successful), but the anesthesiologist goofed. I didn’t wake up for almost 2 weeks. I suffered a full stroke. I recovered fully over the next year. But I still remember the slow waking up I experienced.

My ex shared yesterday how during that recovery period, she went to her gynecologist, seeking to have her tubes tied. She was denied since I needed to agree and sign for it. But I wasn’t coherent much at that time. She gave up on it. She was miffed yesterday, blaming the ills of patriarchy.

And yesterday I was reading in @Saiyan4Blue’s journal about a woman he knew for a spell who was looking to dominate him. It touched something in me. I was raised by an unhappy, dominating woman–and she was afraid to be happy, I believe. As in, her misery was more predictable and powerful than any happiness. It was her lifestyle.

I’m seeing myself following the same pattern–I chose a woman of the same mentality. ----I’ll stop there, as this is NOT about her. It’s about me.

I hid in my pain.
I accepted it and the feeling of helplessness, using this guise to attract “saviors”.
I’ve always had my eyes and mind on some outside escape/distraction.
I put ALL power in someone else’s hands. This put responsibility on them.
I accepted feeling like a little boy, mostly as an adult. I was trying to avoid feeling responsible for old traumas.
I’ve even looked forward, sadly, with that same mindset. Small thinking = small living.
I can go on and on (and on).

I’m feeling the regret I spoke of recently. I’m also seeing my own part in my life’s creations.

And to wrap this post up, I’ll be at my ex’s all next week for my daughter’s high school graduation. Due to flight cancellations, I went from a 4 day visit to an 8 day visit.

Damn–this isn’t about her, again. I chose to feel miserable and controlled a lot while we were married. I can choose that. But I don’t have to. I don’t have to blame her or be her yes-man.

Lots of change is happening in me, even now.

5 Likes
#184

Powerful stuff in this last post, bro :pray:

1 Like
#185

Thank you @Lion. It’s felt good to purge and own my shit sometimes. It’s powerful enough that my regular mind will check me, as in “this isn’t MY reality”. I’m glad I put New Beginnings in there to soften the reality checks.

And good news. I’ll be beginning Stage 2 near the end of my time with my daughter and family. But realistically, I’ll probably just run Love Bomb and something light so I don’t do a personality switch on them. I’ve done it before, so I’m very wary of that.

I’m transitioning. I have no idea what “complete healing” is like

5 Likes
#186

Did you consider Blue Skies as a module?

1 Like
#187

May 17, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
I listened to DR and Elixir this morning

Maybe some recon this morning. I woke up feeling really peaceful. But…I’m seeking out old ways since peaceful is associated with…past trauma?

Yeah. I’m seeking something familiar, right as grief of letting go surfaces. I’m wondering if Stage 1 pulls you from your past. I know it disables fears and preps you for healing (Stage 2).

Maybe…it’s opening the door for healing I’ve wanted deep down for ages. Maybe I’m on the road already to walk away from painful memories and footholds in my life. I’m hoping.

DR seems to adapt to me as I grow. Is this just me?

Yeah, some mental recon is happening. It’s asking “is this what you really want? Is this really you? Can you really do this?” Will drink more water today. I know I’ll be out in the sun.

To summarize, emotions are quickly surfacing, and I keep trying to duck and dodge them. It can make me a mess.

2 Likes
#188

I passed on it for the Stage 1 build since the primer had it, thinking it’d be redundant. But later, when craving some self-love, I realized this was missing. I have 2 other love modules in there. But I will put Blue Skies in. I’ll have to pull one module since I have 20 in there.

Thanks for the reminder Michel.

Edit: I’ll start with the stock Stage 2 due to finances. I do find differences in effects between stock and custom titles. I found the stock Stage 1 to be very emotionally powerful, almost intimidating. The custom I use highlights Chosen a lot, which is welcomed. Chosen focuses on courage bigtime.

2 Likes
#189

May 18, 2022
1st rest day
A truth emerged

A fear of abandonment. That’s what I’m reacting to.

I’ve been awake for a while, as I’m uncomfortable with something unknown. I’ve felt it before, very regularly, but have feared touching it.

It comes out as “I don’t want to face it, but I don’t want anyone to know either”. The end of that sentence made me aware, for that’s what’s really bugging me.

DR is pulling up this awareness–and I’ve been handwaving it away due to fear, as it touches me deep. I come on here, puke something ugly and uncomfortable–ultimately hoping to push everyone away. I do that to keep everyone at arm’s distance. I’m really, really uncomfortable in this, so I avoid the fear of abandonment by pushing you away before anyone gets close. My show of emotional and relational “detestableness” is how I find some safety. I play “that guy” to keep you away.

With men it’s strongest. Always has been. I work with all guys, and I feel I’m still trying to heal some old wound with men. That boyhood scar of my big brother leaving me. I look left and right constantly seeking some hope and healing (relief actually), and … I have this dark, empty hole in me. I keep trying to fill it up, and I’m doing that same thing here.

But as I’ve used subs here, I’ve been pointed back to that old root many, many times. I’ll suddenly feel extremely vulnerable and visible…and I freak out, usually running away (mostly from myself). That’s where I am now. It scares the fuck out of me knowing I might be abandoned again. So ironically, I set that very thing up. But I’m in control. I’m so used to doing this. That’s my life on autopilot.

I’m trying to feel my way through this as I write. Why? Because giving up and feeling hopeless has always been the other default option. Being hopeless sucks. And this is the 2nd day Chosen’s been activating in me, literally putting me out there to be seen… I’ve had some tears rise up while writing, even just now, and I sensed they were mostly from saying goodbye to something. Yeah. Something is changing. I think it’s that default setting to hide. That’s major.

2 Likes
#190

May 18 (cont.)

I am having DR activate in my life. I actually pulled up the DR objectives today since I was feeling pretty good, and while reading them, I could feel some of them activating. Much of it is the internal power it speaks of, like a sense of knowing I am entirely ready to face anything coming at me. I feel that now.

This contrasted the stress I’ve been experiencing with 2 investments, and me and my miner shared ideas with each other early on. Much of the morning was preoccupied with inner frustration and worry. Even now I have the choice to focus on this problem alone (which is very similar to my emotional habits).

And DR (probably Chosen too) began making me aware of this growing hope and positivity in me. It was way more desirable than the stress I’d been focusing on.

Another objective is letting go of others’ limiting beliefs about me that I’d accepted. It made me happy as I realized this is coming true in my life.

As I read the stage 2 summary, I realized stage 1 has been preparing me for this evolution. The masculinity boosting along with feeling the inner power and self-belief excited me to move forward.

DR is helping me trust the process, and I’m honestly excited!

2 Likes
#191

May 19, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd rest day

I worked with a guy today that is very easy to work with. I realized early on that, for some reason, I was cross. Unhappy. Unhappy with myself, but unsure why.

It was around lunch, and I suddenly realized–it was obvious to me–that I had been quietly upset all morning since I was putting on a face. When I realized that, a nonverbal inner honesty was coming out of me, and I felt free. It took no effort, no struggle, and no strain. None at all. I was just “me”.

That freedom makes me crave more. It’s literally priceless. I’m looking forward to more growth and integration with this. I have loops tomorrow, but I’m craving that freedom now.

I think I noticed this when realizing that inner unhappiness has made me volatile with others before (like I’d just flip suddenly and be an ass). Today, I think I just got tired of putting myself through that inner tension and resulting unhappiness, and DR came through for me.

2 Likes
#192

May 20, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
Listening now

Something I’m experiencing now while listening is a sense of disconnectedness. I’ve been browsing the forum, focusing on particular threads, and I’ve actually sought some familiar reaction in myself since some reactions felt good and worth being repeated.

I’m not feeling that this morning. On anything. And I am on Elixir now. I’m unsure what it’s doing.

I have been in Michel’s thread, and he’s looking at adding I AM to his custom, a module aimed at dissolving every negative association and connection in you and building you back. I wonder if my mind’s grabbing on to this idea and running with it. Who knows?

1 Like
#193

May 20, 2022 (cont.)

Disconnectedness. I figured it out

It’s connected to me putting on faces with people, pretending I’m something I’m not–so they’ll like me. This morning, while writing, I was trying to put on a face here, while simultaneously realizing “I really don’t want to do this”. I’ve had a small number of times today when the choice of BSing came to my attention. I had some success today.

My latest one was with my sister via text 10 minutes ago. A coworker offered to take me to the airport Monday morning but was not approved for the day off (since we work in the same department), and I’d not made much effort to locate another ride yet. Very hesitantly I texted my sister (after stalling a good hour). While fearing and avoiding any interaction with her, I realized why I was so afraid, even bordering anger. To hide who I really am, I’ve put on a face with her for years–but like yesterday’s episode of unhappiness, I grew more and more uncomfortable asking her. I’d be screwing me, I thought. I felt like I had to step into yesterday’s reality to survive. Uggghhhhh…

I did finally text her, consciously trying to be honest with myself and her in the 5-6 text exchange. She can’t do it–so why am I angry at her? …because…I constantly hid me to please her in times past. In other words, I’ve always held anger towards people I’ve felt obligated to lie to–because I seriously tried to put all responsibility on them.

And I’ve withdrawn from most people in my life due to this. Meeting someone I know always holds the threat of them finding out I’m lying to both of us so they’ll like me, and possibly even abandoning me. Why’d I admit that?

I have seriously never considered being honest with most people in my life. I think “they know me as …”. “I need to act in X way to receive a Y reaction”. Something like that. I’ve always had a payoff.

…but no sane person would knowingly continue lying to people so they’ll be liked. (cough, cough) I have.

This is the (growth) that Saint talks about in the healing objectives (I’m thinking of Love Bomb now). I can keep doing the easy stuff, but no growth will happen. That’s why I’ve not faced much internal resistance to sticking with DR long-term. It’s hell when I have a good time with a person or persons, but immediately upon leaving, I feel queasy and unhappy with myself and have no desire to repeat that ever again. I’m tired of living in this loop. Seriously, it just SUCKS.

P.S. That’s why I rarely reach out to others here. Lying is a painful experience for me. I always lose.

1 Like
#194

May 22, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd rest day

A post showing some gains I’m experiencing:

1 Like
#195

May 23, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
Listening to DR now

I’m in an airport, flying to see my daughter and ex out of state. Feeling small now. Am going to write it out since emotions (or fear of emotions) can be overpowering.

Took an Uber to the airport. Something hit me in my gut. I was reminded of my college days 20 years back (since I lived close to a major city). The getting-away escape mentality while traveling to…and my gut clenched. While being nostalgic, I realized I was afraid of something. I had a mug of coffee in my bag, but hadn’t drunk any yet. My fear cried for that escape, any escape at all. Something hit me. Something is becoming real.

I’m realizing I’ve had this belief that says “I won’t be able to make it”. My fears have survived due to that, and my fear is seeing worst possible outcomes during this visit.

Digging barely at all into this, sadness was creeiping up last night. Sadness from change. Letting go of old mental protections. I was watching a spiritual romance movie, and I’m seeing…I’ve kept walls up to God. Part of me doesn’t want this. And part of me REALLY DOES. But holding up barriers means holding up fronts and facades.

And I couldn’t possibly live without facades, could I?

My fear says “hell no! Gotta keep them!”

Fuck this. This is the fear I’m walking up to. (Why the hell do I cry when facing fears? Doing so now) This is what I’ve been facing. I keep jumping on this repetitive cycle. I’m facing feeling very vulnerable and facing my erratic fears of being known.

Part of me wants that. Unsure what happens next. But tired of hurting myself by avoiding this.

I’ll be back. Gotta check in before lines grow here. Major changes faced internally.

2 Likes
#196

I just sent a ticket to support. I listened this morning, but this technically should be my last listening day of this cycle. I simply wondered if listening another day 3 days from now would be wise so I don’t do a washout around my daughter and ex.

I’ve not had overly harsh washouts, but I thought it wise to ask. I think the root of this fear is tied to me feeling vulnerable which I spoke of in my last post.

1 Like