SubliminalGuy's DR Journey

Journals - Major Programs
#158

May 4, 2022 (cont.)

Warning. Long post.

I keep looking back, looking for something emotionally familiar. I’m feeling lost, like I’m going down a path I’m very unfamiliar with. I’m trying to express what’s on my mind–and I keep looking and hoping…I’ll be able to settle somewhere. Nothing found yet.

I even turned on a Lord of the Rings soundtrack since I often will glue myself to a mood in music. I’d wanted a Greatest Showman soundtrack–and something is coming to me now.

I’m trying to hide in my mind from this unknown and the anxiety around it. Nothing more than “I have no answers?? HIDE!!! IGNORE!! BE INVISIBLE!!” I did some of that today. Dang, I look at future possibilities with rose-colored lenses on. The problem is I KNOW IT’S FAKE! I know it’s not reality.

Dang. I am seeing I’m used to seeking someone to save me. I have Courage Reclaimed in my custom, and I specifically requested a module to deal with the victim mentality. CR’s focus is that very thing. I was in @SubliminalUser’s Resolve thread before this, and …honestly, I was looking for how he does life. “What’s he doing? What can I glean?” He said something which hit me, so I came here to share it (related to me seeking to act helpless around others).

I realized “I’m not sure I know where I want to go”. I’ve played on everyone else’s strengths all my life, not seeking my own–and I’ve carried doubt about everything lately.

Today, I was doubting I knew how to love myself. To take care of myself. I reacted by pulling back some from the driver I worked with, a really cool guy. And that’s something I want to discuss. I know in times past, when I felt down and believed I couldn’t make loving choices, I’d steer conversations into my issue, hoping someone would play my big brother. (kind of like this entire thread). Kind of slimy, yeah. But, my secret…my big secret IS “I need to follow other’s actions so I won’t hate myself more when (not if) I fail”

Those words hit me while writing. I’ve had this program in my head that “I will fail”. It’s why I’m doing manual labor now after being maybe 3 classes away from having my teaching certificate (post-bachelor’s degree). I was so terrified of rejection and abandonment since I knew I’d fail. I believed “I am a failure”.

I’m just gonna leave that.

It’s why I’ve been on Kahn, EOG, and DR so far–never making it past Stage 1 on each. I got into Stage 2 on my DR run. But my focus was constantly on other’s successes and experiences. I pulled off of DR shortly after. I was succeeding, and it wigged me out. It felt so foreign. Strange. And…dangerous? I’m leaving that since some belief feels attached to it.

I’m going to pull off this post now. Thinking of this is raising my anxiety. Cycle 4 starts tomorrow.

4 Likes
#159

I’m flattered, yet confused as to what exactly the inspiration was here. “Resolve thread?”

Also, what synchronicity! Yesterday, I discovered the “Courage Reclaimed” module for the first time while browsing the Q store for module ideas as part of a custom I’m figuring out. It really resonated with me, with how it focuses on completely removing the victim mentality/behavior as well as grabbing ahold of my inner power. It’s a good candidate for the one feel good module I may put in my custom. We’ll see.

1 Like
#160

May 5, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
Listening to my DR custom and Elixir now

Resolve journal, not thread. Mislabled. And I wasn’t obvious as to what hit me when I wrote earlier. I was in your March posts, and you shared how you felt unsure what direction you should go, or rather, if you could even succeed doing so. I connected with this, as I’ve been feeling quite similarly. Self-doubt has shown up a lot for me. This connected with Courage Reclaimed since I’ve very often hid behind me thinking I couldn’t do something and focusing on manipulating others to do some or all of it for me. (it still feels really awkward admitting this)

I’ll continue spilling what’s on my mind. Elixir is running now, and it’s focusing on something I’ve only spoken about once but is a constant worry for me: me seeing my ex and her parents the end of this month for my daughter’s graduation. What is Elixir doing? What can I do? What thinking do I need to change? What really scares me about seeing them?

Answer: playing helpless to old beliefs. Accepting these painful beliefs again and believing I’m shit. All done in some mistaken attempt to win their love. Flip. That’s how I used to act around them, and even remembering it is painful. That’s on my mind, and it came up right when Elixir started.

2 Likes
#161

May 6, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
1st rest day

I realized something about myself after an altercation yesterday. I wrote everything below last night, but was afraid to disclose it since it’s not healthy in any way. However, this morning I did feel healthier than yesterday. This mentality might be connected to why and how I’ve been going in circles in life, as it’s all about my expectations of others to make me happy. Still uncomfortable airing this, but here it is.

Yesterday’s writing:

I discovered today that I’ve felt entitled–to many things. I had an altercation with a lazy-ass worker (his 4th year here), and I broke my norm of not reacting.

Days back I’d wondered if I was anything like a recent entitled poster here at SC, and I was able to dismiss it. But today, when our disagreement happened, I knew I was mad “because he should know better!” I felt it was his responsibility to comply with my wishes. My expectations were quite obvious.

I also realized how much anger I’ve not let out to him, which is why I allowed mine to surface. I threw some objects in my anger (not at him), so it put me in the spotlight with the bosses.

I was disgusted with this worker’s entitled mentality, and I easily introspected on it. His blatant attitude highlighted my own hidden one. That pissed me off.

I feel entitled to:

People being nice to me when I’m (usually?) nice to them
People being nicer to me when I goof–or being nicer to me when I slack
…ummm…people not getting angry at me. Expecting that they should be my emotional caretakers

And here at SC, I’ve expected these exact same things. I’ve felt entitled to people treating me this way. I’ve used pity and a tone that I’m helpless to coax caretaking. As I’ve written this last 10 minutes, I’ve pushed away a major thing I’ve believed: I just felt it was my right to expect that. Damn.

I’ve even held this hidden expectation towards Saint since “he could/should…”. I knew my hopes would never be filled, but these have my highest unhealthy hopes. These expectations strangle every possible relationship.

And none of this makes me feel good. I feel like I’m lying to and deceiving people, myself included. I’m constantly trying to “trick” people into giving me my drug. (my ill-natured understanding of love)

I’m done. That’s the emotional poison I’ve been using all this time.

Edit: About an hour after the altercation went down, I felt something rising up inside me. I thought it was the sense of power as stated in the sales page for Courage Reclaimed. It kept me very physically active and motivated to consider different things in the future. Something was active upstairs.

2 Likes
#162

May 6, 2022 (cont.)

That last post was so revealing of who I’ve been lately. It was embarrassing exposing it. And more than anything, it was uncomfortable.

But today while at work, I wasn’t controlled like that. By being open, some imaginary fear evaporated and the subs were working on it.

Seriously, by posting it, I feared rejection, correction, and snide comments. Me not deleting it kept my mind on it, and also my subconscious. I felt like DR and Elixir had something to work with, because I felt it. I’ve got this sense that I’ll handle anything that comes up, and that’s what gives me courage to keep going. I am only on stage 1, so my shit’s been coming up. I’ve hidden most things all my life–and where did that lead me? To circle, circle, circle the shit wagon. It’s been a stinky ride the last 40+ years.

1 Like
#163

May 7, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd rest day

Just replied here. I’m including it to read years from now.

And I want to share 2 sub related thoughts

The first is an admission that I’ve been worrying some about Stage 2. I constantly think of people struggling on version 1 of Kahn, Stage 2. Some got fried on it. Some had constant recon. And I’m not sure what “complete healing” feels like, or what will happen when I’m healed. Fuck, my whole life has revolved around this held-in pain. No lie.

I allowed some tears to be released just now to relieve the tension I was feeling, and I’m still hanging on to some old pattern. “Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel”. It’s an abused person’s lifeline for handling pain. Aka keeping it inside, like I’ve done.

And I have no f***ing idea how living without it is like. I’m grateful DR is much more peaceful in changing me.

And on that feeling and fact, my second point is that I’m really, really grateful I won’t be doing stage changes during my visit with my daughter in a couple of weeks. I’ve made drastic changes before when visiting, and the sabotaging of a healthy relationship was a result. Those changes scare me, and I acted out fears and anger even. Most of my major snafus were years back…maybe I’m going through major changes NOW, and I’m projecting fear forward.

I must be. I am.

#164

May 8, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
Waiting to listen. I need to put down my thoughts first

I’m considering doing Emperor with my DR custom this morning. But before I do that, I must share thoughts. DR and Elixir too are pushing me into a new area. It’s trying to free me of something.

I woke up, opened my laptop, read a buddy’s chat message to me, and then decided to open up the forum here. This angry/disgusted feeling came upon me immediately, and it felt like “what the F are you doing?” I was coming with this “I may find acceptance here, hopefully, but maybe not”. I am still driveling for pieces of acceptance and self-acceptance here, hoping someone else will approve of me and encourage my growth. This old pattern is still saying “will you love me?”

However, this DR buildup is strong. I can only look to the objectives for reasoning, and its masculinity push is felt. It vies for independence, which has been opposite my life’s goals in survival mode. It’s kept me where I’m at emotionally and mentally.

I’d considered Emperor before my last washout. I even have some old doubts–and I’m smiling writing that. That little scared kid in me has been my rudder for ages, and he seemed to say to me “but you might make someone mad at you”. That message never changes :wink:

To my little guy within: it’s gonna be okay. We’ll all be ok here. I love you. I’m protecting you.

I’m gonna listen now.

#165

As long as you know you acted in a way that was best for you doesn’t matter who gets angry. Their reaction is their choice, not yours so let them take responsibility for themselves and you do you.

2 Likes
#166

Thanks @Davisnwc.

Yeah, my whole mindset seems contrary to how I normally am. And Emperor hasn’t even started yet.

#167

Chances are that you’re not who you think you are and might’ve never been. It’s that way for most ppl, we’re either programmed to be certain ways via daily living or try to adapt by adopting a persona which turns out to be a personality full of mental and emotional defense mechanisms. Ten years ago I was exactly that but I can tell by going through your journal that you’re waking up. I’d like to see how you progress on emperor.

2 Likes
#168

I gotta say–that’s encouraging AF!

2 Likes
#169

Yeah…oh yeah. That’s my reality, or has been.

#170

Then you’ll get to know, enhance, and eventually downright love the person you evolve into. Speaking from personal experience of course. You’re on the right track.

2 Likes
#171

I opened up an old thread constantly showing up in my suggested threads list, and this one was from 2020. I connected with the user’s need to push through his old mindset. In fact, I felt right in step with his choices, just going forward, and accepting his changes. It was a very mature mindset.

What’s worth mentioning is this was @Saiyan4Blue’s Libertine Ultima thread. Sexual choices and desires are something I’ve pulled away from for, well, forever. Why? Fear. Fear of disappointing people. Fear of rejection.

And something I remembered about PS (one of his other subs used) was losing one’s fear of rejection. That’s what kept me reading.

I have no thoughts or plans of using PS at this time, but damn, losing the fear of rejection draws me in.

1 Like
#172

Emperor and DR are working together now. I just opened up an organization’s email which sends news updates throughout the day. I usually open them up and kind of force myself to be accepting and sometimes bothered by all kinds of related social and political drama. News plays on my emotions, mostly when stories are personal.

I just shut it down. I’ve got more important stuff to do. I didn’t give it much thought at all.

I’m actually getting ready to go out and do my normal stuff. I’d been lying down, but Emperor puts me out there, getting me up and encouraging me. Cool.

2 Likes
#173

The lack of fear of rejection is a great state of being

3 Likes
#174

May 10, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
2nd rest day

I’m uncomfortable now.

Yesterday I realized something, and it was very uncomfortable. I’m still repeating the dependent mentality, as it’s my old comfort zone. I came here to the forum and began seeing myself as unwanted by others. But paired with me being dependent on those same others really hurt.

I tried to break away from this mentally (working alone mostly). I was angry, but I had created–and am creating it. My old ways have brought me back to seeking others to soothe me. I’m faced with knowing I don’t have all the answers, and I’m unsure where to turn. I’d normally play the victim at that point–and that’s a lie to myself. Not working.

So, I just sat with that uncomfortableness. I was looking for hope.

Within a half hour, I experienced something new. I was riding the back of our work truck, and of course, some neighbors are outside. I remember not waving, not looking with mixed motives (being friendly but actually seeking acceptance). I was detaching from old ways, and it relieved ME. That’s a first.

I’m taking this a day at a time. Living for everyone else’s acceptance hasn’t been working for me. I’ve denied it in numerable ways, and yesterday I couldn’t avoid it. This is good change, but uncomfortable as hell.

There’s a “me” in here. I’ve spent a lot of time ignoring him. And seeing that is relieving.

3 Likes
#175

May 11, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
Listening to DR custom, Elixir, and AC now.

Feeling uncomfortable, shamed, lots of things while writing–because I’m writing. I’m unsure…nah…I see it now.

I’ve been writing for eons trying to win other people’s love, deceitfully. I have, and DR has shaken me up recently. I know I’m writing now since I always felt comfort in trying to hand my emotions and problems away. It’s been my primary motive for writing. I’m unsure now if I’m wishing to share my truths honestly, giving myself some respect, or if I’m seeking support from others. I think it’s both. Shaming myself for old patterns has never soothed me. So, that’s why I’m writing. Old choices of “all or nothing/good or BAD” are more painful, so I’m doing something different. Seeking to bury this hurts me most.

I’ve wrestled with this internal message that I am bad. I had this showing yesterday at work, and I sense it now. I have no explanations really. DR’s been pushing out truths I’ve tried in vain to hide from myself. Me writing it isn’t handing it away at this moment. I’m trying (and resisting) to own it myself.

And I’ve never been here and faced it. I’ve had subs from other producers which recognized this and covered it over with feelings of success and self-worth. I’ve just never seen why I was doing it. DR and Elixir seem to be doing that.

2 Likes
#176

May 12, 2022
Stage 1, Cycle 4
1st rest day

I woke up, considered writing, and felt a fear building up, along with the pain I usually create by resorting to dysfunctional reactions. I held on to this thought process, trying to understand why I keep doing this. I see something.

I realized I want and desire to be myself–and a fear rises up quickly, right along the desire. The fear takes precedence, and I end up putting on faces or being extravagant–to hide behind. In other words, I bullshit so I’m not really seen.

I believe some trauma’s been in place for ages, and hiding has been a normal reaction for me. Stage 2 should go into this. It kind of scares me.

1 Like
#177

I’m also seeing something which keeps me repeating old mistakes. I reread my post above, I considered taking an action to expose more, but fear stood in my path, saying “NO!!”

My inner reaction was being spotty in my thinking long enough to NOT remember it. There was too much imagined pain there. I avoided it altogether. That pain made my decision.

What hit me before blipping it out of awareness was “this is why I don’t learn from my mistakes”. It keeps me in a fantasy world, stuck in immaturity. I know this is true here in my life.

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