Reclaiming my power - A Journal by MatAlexander305

[Matalexander305]

Yesterday was a very introspective day. I hurt my back last week, as a result, I’m on light duties for the next couple of days. So I have lots of mindless repetitive tasks where my mind just wanders.

Yesterday I was questioning this “social anxiety”. Why do I think everyone hates me? Is their any evidence that this is even true? And I came to the conclusion that No, their is none.

Over that last few years, I’ve came across very few people who didn’t like me. Most people like me a lot. Even women, I thought to myself “How many women have I gotten close to in that last few years that didn’t like me?” The answer is none. They all had a thing for me

So this outdated belief that everyone hates me needs to go. I think I just gotta keep reminding myself of this fact until my subconscious accepts it.

But this also brings up another important point, why do I feel the need to be liked by everyone? No one likes everyone, I certainly don’t. So why do I seek it from others?

I think it has to do with my upbringing. My parents always stressed to “Be nice, that’s what we are know for!” But being nice doesn’t earn you respect. The older I got, the more apparent this became. And it really started to bother me.

I started working out, and pretty soon all the girls in high school were drooling over me, and men were jealous of me. So naturally men started poking fun at me, trying to find ways to bring me down to their level. But with my “nice guy programming” I always just laughed it off. I rarely had a witty response. And I think this lead to me developing a sort of inferiority complex. I felt like a doll, something nice to look at but no real social presence. It’s like I was too nervous to poke fun at them, it almost felt like bullying for me to do it. Making fun of someone beneath you just looks bad on you. So I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

But then they’d make jokes about me being stupid and lazy because I got bad grades and never tired in school… Some friends huh

[Matalexander305]

I’m also starting to feel this new alpha mindset manifesting. A sort of blend between Total Nonchalance and Rogue. I’m becoming more unfiltered, I’m starting to care less about the opinions of others and more importantly trying to please them.

I’m starting to live, think and act in a way that’s feels genuine to me. I no longer feel this need to put on an act and adjust my actions and words to “fit in”.

I remember arguing with my dad last week, for the first time in months. And he got angry with me, saying stuff like “You never take other peoples opinions into account, that’s okay, just do whatever you want to do.”

Like no, all I’ve ever done my whole life is worry about what others think…

“All I’m doing is offering you advice and you just reject it straight away.”

All I did was disagree with what he said. And he took is as an attack. Like he was offended that I didn’t do as he “advised”.

Do I not have the right to have my own opinions? Thoughts? Beliefs? Is that all I’m good for? Just nodding my head and saying yes all the time? Cause that’s what I did most of my life, I guess it’s going to take some getting used to.

[RVconsultant]

@Matalexander305

A sort of blend between Total Nonchalance and Rogue. I’m becoming more unfiltered, I’m starting to care less about the opinions of others and more importantly trying to please them.

I’m thinking that nice guy idea of yourself that may have been limiting you in some ways is starting to dissolve.

[Matalexander305]

New stack starting today:

Sanguine, Elixir, and Stark

Started with 7 mins of Sanguine + 7 mins of Elixir

[RVconsultant]

What have you noticed in listening to 7 minutes versus 15 minutes?

[Matalexander305]

Mann, Sanguine’s got me buzzin’
This song keeps playing in my head

Mann - Buzzin (Remix) ft. 50 Cent

[Matalexander305]

Seriously though, this sub rocks!
Does exactly what’s it’s suppose to do.

If you’re stuck in a perpetual cycle of recon that feels dreadful, you owe it to yourself to run this in your stack.

I think sanguine is a keeper for the summer

[Matalexander305]

@RVconsultant

What have you noticed in listening to 7 minutes versus 15 minutes?

So I’ve only ran 7 minute loops a few times before today and I don’t recall any major differences besides less recon vs the standard 15 minute loops.

I started experimenting with 5, then mostly 3 minutes throughout my last cycle. 3 minutes felt like it wasn’t enough for me, the results came faster and were a bit more noticeable but, they weren’t as profound.

Today’s 7 min loops worked great, I can feel both Sanguine and Elixir working. Played my loops around 5:30 am this morning and felt them working around 11:30 -12:00. So around 6 hours.

I’m going to do more experimentation with different listening times. So I’ll post the results.

But I like 7 minute loops right now, seems like a happy medium for me.

[Matalexander305]

@Matalexander305

New stack starting today:

Sanguine, Elixir, and Stark

Started with 7 mins of Sanguine + 7 mins of Elixir

Forgot to mention I’m also running ASC, 3 mins

[Matalexander305]

“takes a deep breath.” (Pt 1)

A lot happened this weekend. I’m still trying to process everything…

But first, I have a confession. Forgive me sc, fore I have sinned. Out of pure curiosity, I decided to play a small loop of Libertine zp. I had played Stark that morning (7 mins), ASC the previous day (3 mins) and Sanguine and Elixir on Thursday (7 mins each)
So because of this, I decided to play 1min and 30 seconds of Libertine…

So Friday night went out to a Latin bar with my friend, his girl (we’ll call her Victoria) and a few other people. Now I am a decent dancer. Not amazing, but certainly not bad. Now, if you know anything about Bachata, Cumbia, Reggaeton etc., it takes some skill and practice. So we get there, and I’m watching these people dance, and I’m thinking to myself, “how tf am I going to pull this off… the man always leads; I have no idea what I’m doing. Everyone around here is like a professional

Then one of Victoria’s friends asks me to dance, I tell her I have no clue what I’m doing, and she says that’s ok, I’ll teach you. I get the 1…2… step actions going; she starts teaching me all these spins; I got it… Sort of😅. But what struck me was her gaze,
She was giving me “the look.” You know what I’m talking about, like when a fat kid sees cake. Electric eyes.

Then I start dancing with Victoria, and the SAME THING HAPPENS. I know I’m not crazy (well, maybe just a little bit), but I know that look when I see it. That look of pure lust and fascination. Anyways, both girls complimented me on my dancing. They said they were impressed. I was really good for a beginner.

Then Victoria tells me she made a friend and asks if she wants to introduce her to me, I say yes. In my head, I was lowkey nervous asf, but then she came up to me and seemed angry. Victoria introduces us, and I ask if she’s a good teacher. She says no, I don’t know how to lead; I’m trying to sit down and talk to my friends, sorry”. Then she walks over to her friends.

And what’s strange is… I didn’t care. I hate rejection, but it didn’t faze me at all.

[Matalexander305]

Pt 2

I decide to get a round of drinks for my friend and I. We’re talking and just watching everyone dance. And I noticed a girl dancing with a friend of ours. She kept staring at me while she was dancing… like when she got twisted around, she would look up at me for a few milliseconds and turn back.

Then I saw a girl I had danced with a few months back, and she had that deer in headlight look on her face. Do you know that typical jaw-dropping surprised look? Yeah, that minus the jaw-dropping.

Then that girl who was dancing with that guy gave me a similar look, and for a short time we were there, I was getting all these stares. And what’s strange is, I wasn’t shocked by it. In my head, I was thinking, “yeah, of course, they think I’m hot.”

We decided the leave the bar and go to a normal club. My brother was there with some friends. (My brother is drunk out of his mind.) So he ran off somewhere. Meanwhile, this other random guy grabs me and says let’s find girls. We walk across the dance floor, up behind the DJ booth. While making our way to the other side, the bottle girls start walking towards us with the typical bottle in the air bouncing up and down. And I just immediately started playfully mocking them. As I walked past the first girl, she laughed and did this little squint thing, like there was an element of not only surprise but attraction; that’s the only way I can describe it. Also, right after this happened, I realized I knew this girl. She’s a friend of one of my exes. What’s odd is that I also saw her at my gym last week.

Then the next day, I went clubbing again—in the same place. My bro was already there, so I waited in line by myself for a solid half-hour. I just observed all the life around me. And I noticed a lot. But what I noticed most was the “shot callers.” Every time I saw a group of men, I immediately looked for the group leader and analyzed him. Maybe I’m subconsciously seeking this, to be that “top shotta”.

[Matalexander305]

Pt 3

Anyways I got into the club, and my demeanour changed immediately. It’s like my Wanted (and libertine) aura got activated on sight. My gaze and body language changed, I became very calm, and I was slow and smooth with my walk, almost like I was floating through the air. I felt like I was radiating raw sexuality. I was the hottest man in the club, and though it was only my second time there, I felt like I owned the place.

As I scan the room looking for my brother, I see him at a table behind the DJ booth. As I’m making my way there, I see another girl I know; she didn’t see me so I proceeded. I then see a familiar face. I ask him “do I know you?” At first he seemed pre occupied, almost like he thought I was some random drunk dude. Then I remind him of the party we were at and he’s like “ohh you’re the hot guy from that party! Yo, Emma look who it is!” The girl screams and says “OMGG YOU’RE SOO FUCKING CUTE HOW ARE YOUUU!” I hug her then walk up to the bar. As I’m waiting for my drink, I see that same girl who I made fun of last night alongside another girl. This girl is also friends with my ex and get this, the older sister of a girl i made out with at that Christmas party:

Summary

@Matalexander305

Both of them have older siblings that I know. So we all knew each other. We started talking; the girls were into me (it was so obvious). They were asking me all kinds of questions, feeding me alcohol, subtle flirting etc.

@Matalexander305

I was undoubtedly mingling with blackout territory

@Matalexander305

Then I remember we’re standing face to face, and the next thing I know, we were making out. According to my brother, we were out there alone for a good 20 minutes

@Matalexander305

She has an older sister too. And I used to date her friend.

@Matalexander305

I can’t even imagine what she’d think if she found out I made out with her younger sister💀

Immediately I got slightly nervous, and started thinking “F*cking ASC, you’re really testing me huh?” I grab a shot of vodka and a double rum and Coke. Down the vodka and make my way towards the table. I say what’s up to my brother and his friends. Next thing you know, the girls vanished. Felt like a video game, I confronted a small “fear” and it vanished…literally.

[Matalexander305]

Pt 4

A little later in the night. I was standing near the DJ booth, and out of nowhere I subconsciously turn around and and that bottle girl I made fun of, the one from the gym? She was all by herself staring right at me. With that deer in headlight look, gaze was that of pure lust and fascination. She held eye contact too. My gaze felt electric, or Mesmerizing, that’s the word I’m looking for. It’s like I was sending her heatwaves of sexiness though my eyes, my eyes literally feel like a super power. I feel like I could start a fire with the power of my gaze. It’s such a strange feeling but I’m in love with it.

I’m mad at myself now though, cause I broke eye contact before her. But I did it in a super nonchalant way. Even when we locked eyes, I didn’t smile, I didn’t nod, I didn’t even flinch, so that gaze likely came across like I wasn’t impressed by her. Which is a lie, she’s hot asf, so she’s probably not used to that. And I’m not used to that, being the qualifier?

I thought about approaching her but I knew she was there with someone. But now that I think about it, who cares? What’s the worst thing she’s gonna say? Sorry I have a boyfriend? Lol okay, what’s the big deal?

After the club, we walked over to a vending machine pizza place, and chilled there. I gave a homeless guy 5 bucks, some girl started talking to me about a bunch of random stuff including my job and shit. She told me her husband is in the same kind of work and that she would send me details about what her husband does and how I could get into it. She added me on IG. She also mentioned she was in a open relationship, but she’s like 15 years older than me so…

Then we got picked up from the club, there were two chicks in the car, we had way too many people in the car so one of the girls sat on me and cuddled around me. We never really talked, but I was grabbing her @$$ and stuff.

And that’s THE END.

No pulls, but it was certainly an “eventful”

[Matalexander305]

Past two weeks have been weird. I’ve been a little lightheaded. And it seems almost constant. Even when I’m working out, I’ve noticed i get a little dizzy.

I’m wondering if it’s ASC? I heard a few other member mention something similar. Who knows, maybe it has nothing to do with subs. But I’ve also felt a strange shift in my reality. Things just seem off. My life sort of feels like a dream, it’s real but it doesn’t feel real, does that make sense? Maybe my subconscious is adjusting to my new reality?

[Matalexander305]

Also I’ve noticed something about Wanted. Even though I’m conventionally attractive, I always felt a strange disconnect between my body and soul. I used to look in the mirror and question who is this person I’m looking at? And the longer I’d stare at myself the stranger it felt. I always hated how I looked.

Now I love how I look, I know I’m attractive and my body language reflects that now. Wanted has erased a huge insecurity of mine.

[Matalexander305]

I think Stark’s really pushing me to fix my procrastination issues. I’ve never been so lazy in my life it’s nuts. I literally give zero F’s about anything right now. People have been bringing it up, and I barely say anything. I don’t have a reply. “We were supposed to leave 10 mins ago”. And I’m just like ok… who cares?

I should care, I told them I’d be ready; but for some reason I don’t care at all.

My rooms a mess once again, I’m sleeping in everyday…

I gotta get my sh!t together

[Matalexander305]

Also weird observation, I had a dream last night that a ladybug kept biting me, and I was paralyzed. Completely helpless.

Then this morning i went to use the washroom and their was a dead lady bug in the urinal…

Symbolism?

Theirs been a lot of weird coincidences like happening lately. My dreams have also been very vivid intense. It’s like the Matrix is glitching so to speak.

[Vesper]

What do you feel is making you lazy or do you feel it’s the sub making you lazy?

[Matalexander305]

@Vesper

What do you feel is making you lazy or do you feel it’s the sub making you lazy?

I think it’s the sub, but it’s the recon specifically. I think my mind is trying it’s best to resist this change because it’s so deeply ingrained in me. I’ve been a procrastinator for my whole life. And only now am I beginning to see how terrible an impact it’s had on many areas of my life.

It’s hard to let go of a habit that is so deeply ingrained in your core being. Even if negative, because losing it feels like losing a part of yourself.

[Vesper]

Would you say it’s Wanted or Stark making you procrastinate more?