Took this whole last week off from my custom. I just didn’t feel a need to listen to it because I felt like i was still processing things. But I ran love bomb prototype twice this week.
All I can say is yesterday I was driving home from work and I asked myself “what the fuck are your doing?” Are you even happy? Why are you doing this?" But seriously I had such a surreal moment. I realized what I pay in gas to commute to a job that besides giving me money doesn’t offer me much in my life. And it’s just insanity. And I just felt this attachment to my job, this obligation, this weird pull to dedicate my energy to it. Like some kind of cult. It felt vampiric, like it was feeding off of me. I know that sounds crazy.
But anyway I have to keep telling myself take care of myself. Stop giving the energy away. Stop feeling bad about my needs. I don’t know why I have such a hard time doing this. I pretty much have to make a dedicated effort to make sure I’m ok. Sometimes I just forget and I get sucked into it all.
I don’t operate like a lot of other people. I’ve got some real challenges I’m working through in my life. And I’ve mentioned it before but that means in the work environment I don’t always perform as well as other people would like. But that doesn’t mean I need to hurt myself trying to match some standard, even thought that’s what I default to most of the time. Depending on what’s going on in my life a task can either take 15 minutes or half the day and there’s nothing I can do about that but remind myself I’m human and fuck anyone that thinks I have a less worth as a person for that.
Having said all that I’ve finally decided to drop some money on a decent pair of studio monitors for my music. I’ve been producing in headphones for the longest time and they present a lot of challenges. This is going to run me about 1 grand and I feel guilty about spending that kind of money. But I told myself this was an investment for myself and my music. I hardly ever give myself really nice things and I know this will take my music making up another notch. I’m slowly transitioning into less of the hobbyist in mentality. A few years ago I never would have considered monitors because I wasn’t good enough for them. While my stuff isn’t pro level, I recognize the value of investing in myself now and buying things for myself that will help me grow as a producer.