That’s exactly what I’m talking about.
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I’ve been getting such a different mental space lately with my subliminals. It’s been both up and down at the same time.
In the past, I learned to distance myself from ego for my own mental health, I think. By ego, I mean the normal, conventional subjective orientation, wherein one’s experience and consciousness is organized around a kind of narrow node of identification, and all experiences are rated and evaluated based on how they impact or relate to that little node.
I learned to slightly access this other lens, another perspective. It gave me some relief from that egoic orientation which, for me, wasn’t that pleasant. It wasn’t a full blown transcendence of ego, but just a kind of slight one. That already made a big difference.
But the ego is an important part of what we are. And in a full life, it has its rightful place and should be cared for.
I think my stack may be working on this in me. Ascended Mogul, Pride Unbroken, FEBRUUS, and so on. I think they’re working on stimulating and growing that part of me. I’m feeling more aware of it and it’s painful, but I think it may also be important. So…
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Was that an organic development? Or were you practicing any thought experiments to reach that different lense?
There’s definitely been overcompensating in me. I don’t know how to describe it but I have a lot of these judgements and feelings based on underlying low self worth that fuels the fragile nature of my own ego. But it’s all held under wraps, nobody else sees that or interacts with it. In Jungian terms I guess this would be my shadow.
I assumed the more I did in life and exposed myself the better it would get. But it seems like it makes it worse. There’s definitely an underlying layer of things that can’t and won’t be addressed automatically by just advancing in life in the conventional sense. It’s exclusively a mental construct that needs to be broken down and healed from, until I do that I’m kind of chasing my tail.
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Bro, I look at this completely differently. (You’re welcome for that skillful usage of the ‘bro’ word.)
I think that ‘health’ and ‘functionality’ arise out of crazy, mixed-up, dysfunctional elemental forces.
Like physical health, for example. It’s an uneasy balance between unchecked cell propagation (i.e., cancer) and out-of-control breakdown (i.e., wasting away).
You don’t heal them in order to become healthy. You just pit them against each other. One of them weakens and those ‘problems’ are always ready to come right back.
Healthy people aren’t healthy and unhealthy people aren’t unhealthy.
I know I’m not saying this eloquently, but I’m just flowing it all out.
I don’t think you need to fix any of the things you’re trying to fix. I think you just need to harness them into an overall system.
I’m involved in my version of the exact same process.
The easiest way for me to express it right now is in astrological archetypes because that’s what I’m swimming in right now.
I have a Cancer ascendant that has led to a lot of shit. Shy. Retiring. Sensitive. And living in the middle of a freaking warrior subculture. Just wanted to stay at home. Was reading before I knew how to read.
At the same time, my pathway of purpose (literally written into my birthchart as clear as day) is the diametrical opposite of that Cancer. Capricorn. To evolve in this life, I need to do the opposite of what I’m automatically default wired to do.
I am just understanding this at 48 years old. I mean I’ve worked on it and struggled with it my whole life, but I didn’t have such a concise name and label for it.
I have to reconcile these two opposites. My default nature is flowing to the South, but to feel fulfilled I need to move North.
Feels real crap.
But you know what? I realized that these challenging placements that are hard as f**k to reconcile, also contain the greatest potential energy. It’s like an electromagnet. If you can somehow force that North and South magnetic pole into the same casing, the result is a powerful flow of electricity.
So, now I’m figuring out how to find my own clever way to make that happen.
It’s not about defeating South so you can go North. Or defeating North so you can go South. It’s about building a machine that can hold that chaos without breaking.
I hope this hits in some way. If not, I trust you to do what’s necessary. (shakily hands over the pistol).
The development was based on an organic set of humiliating limitations.
And I practiced over a decade of thought experiments to try to live with it.
It didn’t work.
And it did work.
And here I am still working.
Fuck this thing up, brother.
Don’t stop fighting.
You are kick-ass. You’re smart. Creative. You build mountains and then you conquer those mountains.
That’s what you’ve been doing. You’ve just been doing it internally.
You’re building what you need to build.
Okay. I’ll stop and calm down. The froth is practically flying out of the screen. (Getting ready to hike.)
But I hope you get some of the point.
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Another thought:
Treat it as a creative puzzle.
What if you had to write a story, in actions as well as in words, and the first sentence had to be — was fully supposed and destined to be — exactly everything that you’ve written above in your journals, exactly everything that you’ve started from.
What is a story of success that has this as the first sentence?
Or
What is a plan for attaining all that I want that uses all that I am right now?
No need to answer the question just yet, simply ask it.
EDIT:
What is a pathway to success that uses my nature instead of fighting against it?
If you have to struggle with something, why not let it be this?
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I’m 90% sure something about my astrological chart would explain why this has been the dominant idea in my head for years now. But yeah, you’re right. It’s a lesson I haven’t been able to drive into my head deep enough. The fact that I don’t need to be 100% healed and ok to experience and enjoy life. Yet I always default to that primary way of thinking when it comes to almost everything in my life.
Lol it did. I need some more “fuck this shit” energy in my life. I’ve lived underneath a magnifying glass for all my life and it’s just been suffocating. The most frustrating thing is I’m doing it to myself, I don’t need to do it but I do criticize every little aspect of myself.
A whole bunch of people are back in the office at work and my social anxiety has kicked in and it just pissed me off. Because now my life feels more difficult than it has to be. And that’s been getting to me this past week. I’ve been trying to squash that for years and when it still shows up I just want to rage quit. But I know part of the issue is I put too much stock in what it means as a person. That anxiety shouldn’t hold as much weight as it does tied to my overall concept of myself. But that’s the type of bullshit from my own mind I’m fed up with. It’s just like, fucking enough where are we going with this? What purpose does it serve?
Appreciate the support. I got the energy of all this and it’s interesting how it comes across now with the recent changes in your own life. It’s good, more fire to it. Not just trying to bargain with current circumstances.
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Thinking more about my journey with AM. Compassion and forgiveness can be just as much of a vice as judgement and anger. I’m at a point where I’m acknowledging that these things are nice in texts, theory, overarching idealists morals, but in practice they’ll cause more harm than good for me. Maybe that’s because I don’t know what real compassion or forgiveness is, it’s definitely not what I’ve been doing for most my life which is trying to be empathetic to the needs of others and then getting stomped on and saying it’s ok.
So yeah. You can’t use spirituality to bypass the process of growing a spine. I’m done listening to the shoulds. Just going to focus on what works in my immediate reality. Moving towards the uncomfortable now instead and disregarding the inner voice inside of my head that wants to insist I have to be some saint on Earth. Because really if that was my path I probably would have started out on the opposite spectrum being a dick and needing to learn to respect people. But that’s not how it went for most of my life.
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Just throwing this out there… are you familiar with No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover? Reading it really helped me put my self-sacrificing-behavior (and it’s inherent toxicity) into perspective, and where it all came from. Might be something in there that you’ll find useful 
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This is embarrassing but I tried to read it years ago and got upset. Probably because I felt like I was being called out and because I always had a mentality of “why should I break my back trying to change? Why can’t people just be kind in general?” Probably a healthy dose of fear in there too because it involves more confrontation which I’ve always sucked at.
I’ll pick it up again. But if I’m remembering right a lot of it was centered around toxic shame? I try to avoid overly wordy books nowadays. I feel like the whole nice guy thing isnt a lack of awareness or understanding on my part, but just a difficult time carrying out the actions I need to do. So I’m never sure if a book will help or just serve as a cheap dopamine high.
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Yeah I hear you mate. Had I tried to read it some time ago I would have burned the book… with planet-exterminating grade lazors. But I guess now I was more receptible for the message… And regarding toxic shame yeah, the idea is that one’s self-sacrifice ie being a “nice guy” is a survival mechanism… in that in order to gain other people’s favor (so that you can “survive”) you sacrifice your personal power and ultimately the control of your life, by overly adhering to other people’s needs and to please them. So much so that it can eventually deteriorate into contempt for those same people. I wrote a bit about it in my journal. Not sure if relevant or at all relatable but it’s what I got from it at least.
Spoiler
I haven’t taken action as described in the book per se, but just being aware of the patterns and where they come from helps you begin the molting process. Then just let lose the Subs’o’war to do their job 
That being said, do you have any ideas of how you could put some action to that end into… well… action?
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Very cool phrase!
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Excellent news, congratulations on your growth.
Because your perception of reality was/is flawed.
Other people are not there to fit in with what YOU as an individual thinks is right and proper. Other people will do what they perceive as in their own best interests.
What would happen if you lived in a society where 95% of the population was kind and the other 5% were psychopaths?
The psychopaths would end up running society for their own benefit and the naive kind people would end up getting shafted which is exactly what each group deserves.
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I read that snippet from your journal. I relate, but over the years I’ve stopped telling myself that this one thing was to blame for all the issues of my life. I’m glad the book gave you some insight, but now I remember another reason why I didn’t care for the book. It’s wayyy too narrow. He seems to be using nice guy as a catch all term for a huge variety of issues a person can experience. This is dangerous because it can lead to stagnated growth when the answer doesn’t lie within that framework. And a consequence of that can be more self blame when those insights didn’t carry near as much weight when you first discover them. That’s kind of what I meant by the cheap dopamine high. That rush you get when you think you’ve stumbled on some key piece of fixing your life, but it just feels good and that’s it.
My eternal struggle man. I hoard info, wait, wait, hoard, wait, etc. Action is not my strength so I’ve realized going for grandiose huge changes is setting me up for failure. These days action is mostly in my own head. My relationship with things, who I tell myself I am, how I identify, etc. Outwardly not much seems to be done, but inwardly I learn to let go of patterns of identification that bind me to old habits that bring about unwanted things in my life. This is why I’m very hesitant with books these days, they seem like massive time wasters for me because I know nothing in them isn’t going to be though provoking, the missing piece is action which just relies on me. Nothing external to myself can do that.
In the end a well formulated plan never acted upon is worse than a plan with flaws that someone actually puts into action.
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Thank you
But how could my perception of reality be flawed if nobody actually sees what reality is? How can anyone know what reality is? Even physicists are trying to figure that out. I’m not trying to bust your balls. I’m just wondering what you meant by that. How are you able to determine what’s “out there” vs a constantly ongoing rendering of your own internal belief structure out into the world? Even if you collect data from your own observed experiences it’s still inherently biased.
Mind you this doesn’t negate the experiences where being taken advantage of is caused by not standing up for oneself.
I’m assuming by naive kind people you’re referring to the exact behavior I’ve exhibited in the past. Not real kindness. Basically kindness without a backbone. If so, yes the psychopaths would stomp all over them. Though “deserves” is questionable.
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This is a fair enough question. (But having said that I won’t get involved in a discussion on determinism).
“Why can’t people just be kind in general”? Well by and large they, as a generality, actually are. Its just that they don’t particularly go out their way and won’t necessarily perceive what someone else needs or wants. But ordinary people do tend to be pretty decent.
However pleas of “The world would be a nicer place if the world was a nicer place” is the sort of meaningless anodyne tripe you hear from beauty pageant contestants and stupid naive lefty voters. It is meaningless because you can take nothing from it from which to either improve your own life or improve society.
I am proper rich, have an agreeably pleasing income and pay no income tax.
You are a worker drone, your employer makes money from you and you pay both state and federal taxes.
Which is more moral?
You need to consider the nuances, the hidden meanings and X-order effects.
Does society encourage you to think a certain way about this?
Why would that be?
Who does it help?
Only the little people pay taxes to quote Leonora Hemsley.
People have shouted at you at work.
Do you think people ever shout at me?
Why would that be?
When you have a firm foundation, what is your next step?
Perhaps the real test is if your understanding of reality is useful to you in achieving what you want in life or is holding you back.
And there you have it.
You question “deserves”.
Of course they deserve it because that is the end result of their actions.
You need to let go of your inner obsequious nice guy.
Be dangerous but disciplined.
What is the best way to get something, anything?
To deserve it.
What is the best way to get rich?
Start loads of businesses and invest all your money.
What is the best way to get lots of hotties?
Maximise your physical and mental SMV and approach lots of hotties?
Etc, etc.
Work out what you want to do.
Find out how to do it.
Then do it.
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This is fair. Yes I agree with you here. The lamenting on why things are difficult vs actual change is a problem. But at the same time I don’t find the idea of people desiring a nicer world revolting. Change begins with a feeling or desire for something, sometimes it does get stuck in this state of limbo and goes nowhere so I see your point.
Well this kind of brings me back to my first point. “Understanding reality” is a tall order, that is if you take the view of the metaphysical aspects of it. A more accurate statement I’d use for myself is if my current actions are inline with a reality a desire.
Do you not have empathy for someone being exploited? Yeah it’s a consequence of their actions, but there’s more nuance than that. I’m not thinking purely in terms of cause and effect here.
I’ll say this. Your cognition is very different than mine. Have you always been this way or were these lessons you had to learn yourself? You seem to be able to entirely separate any emotion from events relating to human beings and see them in terms of pure logic. My brain does not do that.
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Dude, how we relate to ourselves and our own self-image, re-writing our own stories about ourselves and changing our own biases and thought patterns and habits and so on… is probably the biggest change we can do. That IS change. Real change. As within so without, and all that crap 
I get your point now about “dopamine high”. I’ve had that feeling soo many times over the years. “Yes THIS is the (new and shiney) key to finally solve my major malfunction!” … and then your previous subconscious programming steamrolls you anyway Isn’t this the reason we do subs, to begin with? To change that programming from within? 
Hear hear. I’ve done that so many times. Elaborate plans and action-lists and what-have-you. And everyone out there want to sell their product and way of doing it… Only thing is… huge change is no more and no less than the accumulation of small changes over time…
Maybe the immediate action you need to take is smaller than you make it out to be atm?
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Yup I’ve learned not all minds are alike. Unfortunately for me conscious intervention for me has been like trying to put out a raging forest fire with a squirt gun. I absolutely need the subliminals to hit me on that deeper level.
Could be. Right now I’m just trying to take more action towards making music without forcing it and losing enjoyment. That’s been a strong priority. But another one is moving out of NY and finding somewhere else to live. I don’t feel aligned here. Still trying to figure out where that is for me.
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Had some minor breakthroughs this past week. Learning more about my defensive strategies towards change. Long story short, it seems my actual integration of the sub has been off and on. I guess stonewalling, I’m able to completely detach from the influence of the sub. This is due to a long-standing habit in my life of disconnecting instead of integrating when unwanted or unfamiliar things are presented to me.
But I’ve been inviting the feelings in and the energy associated with it. So far this past week I’ve had more calm like I’m not in a mad race to get things done before I die. People at the office have been more friendly with me and I’m slightly more charismatic. Things aren’t bothering me as much, like if I can’t get to all my work. I just tell myself its not a big deal, they won’t fire me so why stress over it?
There’s a part of myself emerging that’s less serious, which I’ve learned for me seriousness stems from being in perceived danger. Mainly all my life interacting with people has been no fun.
I’m almost done with another track I’ve been working on. The past few sessions I’ve realized how much I box in my own creativity. Interestingly enough it seems to reflect the same sort of mentality with disconnecting from unknown stuff. For example I’m always interested in how much you can convey with a few notes, but this turned into a block where I started thinking playing too many notes was bad. Trying to edit the creation before it even has time to manifest in the real world is terrible for creativity and that’s what I’ve been doing. That’s what I’ve been doing with a lot of stuff in my life. Having it get caught up in that internal filter vs expressing it freely.
I’m starting to wonder if that blocked feeling somewhat stems from ADHD. People with ADHD are impulsive in their actions at times. I’m thinking maybe when I was younger I annoyed someone being my natural self saying weird stuff or allowing my mind to flow freely. Now as an adult I put a tight cap on it but it’s dulled my personality. You can’t be selective with what naturally flows. The tap is either on or off, at least in my case. I guess a lot of my life has been spent carefully analyzing my actions before I do them vs actually doing it.
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Alright so this one’s a little personal. But I’ve been thinking a lot about sexual encounters and relationships lately. AM probably doing that no doubt.
I’ve never been a chaser when it comes to women. In fact I’ve had times in the past where I didn’t pursue enough and the women lost interest. But honestly, I’m more sexually attracted to women who are aggressively flirtatious to me and carry things along. Hell I’ve even got a thing for dominant women. Some guys like the thrill of the chase, but that’s never been me and I don’t think it ever will be.
Whatever people want to say about men needing to pursue and lead. Eh seems antiquated and inflexible.
Going through AM I’m going through stages of what the hell it is to be a man. My own definition at least. And what I’m learning is there are a lot of rigid stereotypes I’ve felt the need to live up to all throughout my life. I do feel like I’m taking the best parts of myself and strengthening them to be my own person not some caricature. But it’s a head trip.
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