Liminality custom Qv2

Well I feel bad making a new journal entry for every single custom I’ve ever put together. But having them divided is like chapters of a book that’s my life.

So I bailed on DR and took it upon myself to design a custom to get myself out of the rut I’m currently in with my life while focusing on important goals for myself. I won’t say Liminality is the game changer or the end all be all of customs for me, but I was very different in my selection compared to previous customs. I’m hoping my new direction with the addition of Qv2 will help me improve. Here’s what my custom is composed of.

Ascended Mogul Q Core
Ultimate Music Producer
Inner Voice
Gratitude Embodiment
Joie de Virve
Negative Energy Transmutation
Omnidimensional
Current Invoker
Unlimiter
The Merger of Worlds
Negativity Displacer
Stress Displacement
Sanguine
Blue Skies

I’ll be starting this tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing how the support modules impact me. Lots of good ones in here.

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Writing here to follow this thread.

So first day of this sub and a lot was brought up. It’s challenging but not too overwhelming which is exactly what I needed. I reflected on a lot of stuff today. Gonna run through that now.

First thing was people pleasing behavior. I’ve always felt this need to be overly nice to people. Like I had to somehow make up for the fact that I’m a shit individual. But I’ve expended so much energy over the years trying to mold myself to fit in socially. I’m trying to let that go. People aren’t gonna like me and that’s their problem not mine, I shouldn’t waste energy trying to change their perception of me by altering my behavior.

Second one was avoidance. A lot of my life has been avoidance. I don’t live in the world so much as occupy little safe pockets of it. But this is an internal issue, not an external one. I say that because no matter how much exposure I’ve put myself under or pushed my comfort zone it still sucks. And the more that suckiness piles up the more I don’t want to deal with it. Like right now I’ve been working from home about 90% of the time. It’s been great but it’s not reality. Of the few occasions I’ve had to go back in the office I fucking hate it so much. Instead of saying “oh well maybe I should always work from home because I like it” I should be addressing what makes me hate the office and see if this is really a preference or an avoidance of things that trigger my anxiety. And given my history of social anxiety and how some of the other people at my job make me uneasy it’s probably the latter.

I think overall what I feel is a lack of freedom in my life to come and go as I please. Instead it feels like I’m chained to an invisible anchor that limits how far I can go. I was thinking more about the music career avenue and I’ll never get anywhere if I don’t find some kind of community or interact with likeminded people. But really I’m so crippled in that area, I can put on a good act but really I’m socially inept because none of it seems to come naturally to me or feel comfortable at all.

There’s probably more. But I think this is what’s really been weighing me down in life and I have to correct it vs trying to just go around it.

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This statement is a primary part of the flavor of Ascension to me. Obviously, I don’t know the script; but I tend to find myself experiencing this kind of thought more when I’m playing Ascension or, these days, when I’m playing my Ultima Custom that contains Ascended Mogul.

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This is good to hear because I need more of this mentality in my life. Honestly I need to be more of an asshole to people that deserve it. Obviously I’m not gonna stay an asshole, but I’m starting to think I have to get familiar with exaggerated behavior to find the median point and balance in it.

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Makes sense. I honestly don’t know.

My opinion is that the experiment is worth doing. I don’t know if you need to be an asshole for a while or not be one or whatever. But what I do know is that this is your life and you need to feel free to try the ideas that you have. Doing something–anything–is probably better than just sitting and wondering. (Within reason, of course.)

When it comes to real life, differences of degree tend to matter a lot. In matters of degree, the body, experience, and action trump words. You’ve got to get in there and try things in order to figure out what feels right (and how much of it feels right).

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Yeah it might be a case of me having a poor gauge on where things lie. Like from my perspective it’s being an asshole, but really from anyone else I’m just being assertive. So I have to calibrate that for myself

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“When I Say No I Feel Guilty” by Manuel Smith might help with assertiveness.

I’m also glad to know your sub is helping you already!

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Sounds like it’s right up my alley. I’ll check it out for sure

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Also I’d encourage you to check out “Feeling Good” by David Burns. It’s got activities to untwist distorted thinking that might be leading to nervousness or low mood.

I tried this book a few years back and I got really frustrated. I’ll pick it up again to see if I can work with it this time. He primarily discusses cbt techniques right? From what I remember the premise of thoughts -> emotions bugged me a bit in it’s overly simplistic representation of how the human mind works. Admittedly I’ve got a bone to pick with CBT in general, but that’s a rant I won’t get into. Still I’ll put aside my judgement and see if I can obtain any useful techniques and strategies from it.

There’re also books by Albert Ellis.

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Still debating if I should be running this custom every day. Yesterday was pretty heavy. And I feel like I just recovered from it today. My job took it out of me, but at the same time I should probably account for the stress of that when running the subs as well. I worked on some music friday, but I was having trouble following through so I put it aside. I worked on it again saturday and got closer to finishing.

I was dealing with a lot of negative thoughts and confusion when it came to my music. I have this urge to create, but when it comes to writing something I just get the worst mental block. I overthink things a lot. Like lets say I have a chord progression going, I get worried that it’s becoming too repetitive and I need to change it up otherwise I’m being a lazy musician. Stuff like that.

But today I did a track deconstruction on one of my favorite artists which I usually put off. Seeing that he’s not automating parameters on his synth every second or doing weird chord changeups was what I needed. I’ve mentioned it before but I often feel I’m not “doing enough” when it comes to my music. It’s an incredibly annoying thought process because I start reaching for filler or I lose the main theme of the track. See to me I really admire tracks that strike the balance between having enough variation, but capturing an overall theme or feeling. I think more often than not it’s harder to make things work with fewer elements.

From there I started brainstorming what type of stuff was holding me back and what I could do to help myself out. I realized a big one was organization. My projects are an absolute mess. I do everything from scratch, when really I should have premade templates ready to go so I’m not getting bogged down in setting stuff up to create. Another one is having a structure or rough idea of how the song is going to go. How long each section should be, the overall energy flow, etc. Basically the roadmap so I have some idea. It’s not about sticking to a rigid structure, it’s more about closing off that part of my brain that just thinks of everything at once and then does nothing because its overwhelmed.

Another one is really building up some modular patches for myself. Diving in and learning hands on more with modular stuff. Again modular is so huge, the possibilities are endless, so it overwhelms me. For example one of the modules I have actually uses boolean logic that you can use to trigger different parts of the patch. So you can get all this variation in playing with crazy effects, but it’s daunting to figure out what I want to do for something like that and how best to implement it. Music production is such a rabbit hole, something as simple as changing the order of the effects chain can have a massive difference on the sound, you can’t always predict that so sometimes it’s tough knowing how things interact.

A large majority of the stuff I really need to work on is the consequence of the ADHD really. Musically I have ideas. But I’ve always struggled with follow through and execution. Despite finishing a number of songs over the years, it always seems very draining which I feel it shouldn’t be. And also building up my skills has been difficult because I also get a weird type of learning anxiety. So I procrastinate with things I should do. I think it’s just me getting overwhelmed by the massive number of things to learn.

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This.

That sounds like the perfect antidote for the space that you were in. Took the focus off of yourself and your creative process and brought you into conversation with other respected/admired artists.

Your mind being your ally.

I can’t help but think that this is in part the expression of your new custom. Seems to be meshing well with your mind.

We know that you get a lot of response from one loop. And we also know that the new QV2 are even more effectively potent.

How about waiting until you can feel that the effects have run out before playing another loop? This custom is so aligned with your natural priorities anyway that you don’t need to be extra-vigilant about exposure. Your mind will kind of be ready for it whenever you play it.

It sounds to me like you’re doing the work.

The quote that came to my mind as I was reading your post was (maybe Indiana Jones or Tomb Raider inspired):

If you could just remove this huge boulder rolling directly behind you, this would actually be a nice scenic walk!

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Definitely agree it’s the custom. No doubt in my mind. Prior to these last few days I couldn’t even touch my daw. I’ve been away from music for about 2 weeks now, but it didn’t feel like a conscious choice on my end. So it was stressing me out.

I think you’re right, I should see how far I can ride out one loop. It seems to give me plenty to do for a few days, I definitely burned myself out over the weekend by doing two days in a row. If it wasn’t the weekend I’d be having a lot more difficulties being functional so that tells me it was too much.

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Something really interesting I find. I had to take my medication today because I just felt like it was going to be a struggle getting anything done. As much as I’d like to just power through and focus, I’ve come to learn that it gets very stressful for me and draining. And this job doesn’t mean a lot to me, so to push through all that and burn myself out just so I can be productive for someone else doesn’t feel that great.

But anyway. I find when I’m on adderall I can manage my emotions better. More specifically I feel the subconscious processing of the subliminal is smoother. I can pick apart the pieces and manage it better. When I’m not on medication it’s just this big ball of overwhelm and anxiety that I don’t know where to start with, which I inevitably end up procrastinating on.

I don’t want to jump to conclusions but I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to improve myself and having difficulty doing so. Starting to wonder if it’s not because I’m resistant or incapable of change, but the ADHD making it hard to manage the different parts of my psyche. Lots of unknown variables I’ve dealt with in my life, both of my parents are definitely not neurotypical. Neither of them sought therapy either, so yeah genetic inheritance and whatever dysfunctional behavior I learned as well.

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Perhaps if you listen to your new custom 1 loop a day but 3 days a week, perhaps you’ll notice less difficulties focusing.

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@RVconsultant Going to see how I feel this week. That sounds like a plan, doing every other day.



Incoming brain dump as I process more of the custom. More specifically I think this is the Unlimiter module. Challenging your limiting beliefs is always difficult.

With the recent diagnosis of ADHD it’s made a lot of sense in my life. Why things are the way they are and what went wrong. But I can’t help but feel it’s a stop on the way to another destination. I’m not saying I don’t have it. But maybe there’s something else to it. I’ve been reading theories that trauma can be the root cause of it. But that’s controversial.

Here’s where things get tricky in my head. I feel like I’ve tried and failed so many times in my life just to get better. And not like big massive trying. I’m talking dumb shit, like failing to even start to take action towards the change itself. It’s not like I tried to make it as a musician. I didn’t even get there. Hell I barely even landed a 9-5 full time job. And most of my life consisted of everyone telling me things I had to do that I already knew I had to do, I just couldn’t do them. It’s not like I wanted to be some loser or enjoyed living with my parents well past my 20s. Most of the world would peg me as immature, lazy, undisciplined, etc. That’s the labels they like to hand out. And that’s the type of self-hatred and criticism I internalized towards myself. Not once when I was growing up did I show myself understanding for the challenges I faced because I considered them dumb and the fact I couldn’t do them was a massive character flaw on my part. Enough of that started driving me towards suicidal thinking because I just hated the idea of me existing as a person. I was ashamed of the self perceived incompetent, lazy, failure of a person I was.

So when I found out about ADHD it provided me some level of comfort in knowing that this stuff wasn’t my fault. That I could take responsibility moving forward but that constant feeling of “not good enough” had a serious root cause. But at the same time if I make the decision to move away from the whole realm of ADHD entirely, I’m on my own again. Trying to solve this invisible problem with no answers.

It’s just tough. I’ve always believed in finding the root cause and fixing things to evolve as a person. Taking 100% responsibility for everything always gives me anxiety because of how many times in the past I’ve tried to change and come up short. It gets to the point where I lost faith in myself to change or grow as an individual.

To sum things up. I’m still on this journey. Trying to figure out how to better my life. But the answers aren’t clear. There’s many sides to everything. What helps, what’s just a limiting mindset, those things aren’t always clear.

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There’s a part of you that believes deeply in society and in the existence of Answers.

I don’t have that so much, but I think there’s something kind of beautiful about it.

For me, personally, I look around me and it just looks like so many institutions and routines that people just made up. ‘Green means go. Red means stop.’ Stuff like that.

I think there are things that are natural and that are much less negotiable. But those kinds of things aren’t usually ones that we get excited or upset about. (‘Breathing air not water’, stuff like that.)

To me life looks kind of like this: “here’s 60 to 100 years. Now go and do whatever you have the balls, resources, and mindset to pull off.” “oh, and when you’re done, no one will really care that much, so maybe choose something that you care about.”

Exaggerating a little bit, but that’s close to it.

You could be walking through the park and see the city’s most unfortunate homeless person. And how long are you going to actually spend thinking about that person once you don’t see them anymore? Some people will think longer if it’s related to their career or their life’s work or their basic personality or something. But that’s kind of the point. We’re all pretty busy just living our lives. Too busy to spend that much time focused on things that aren’t that connected to our lives.

People aren’t truly judging you, anymore than you’re truly judging that homeless person. For the most part, they’re judging their lives and the things that they think will impact their lives. We don’t have enough brain capacity to be truly judgmental. Not enough available attention. (some people manage it pretty well anyway, I know.)

I’m rambling. I’m raising the idea of “What if this is just about you doing your thing, and getting whatever you need to be able to do it a little bit more comfortably, better, effectively, or whatever?”

Then again. There’s also nothing wrong with really believing in answers and institutions and such. I think society depends on people doing that actually. So, the perspective I’m offering may not be right for you.

I’m just raising it as a thought-question.

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I like your rambles. They are very thought provoking.

@elementary_vision I’m glad you’re getting answers, and I’m thinking more are coming. Congratulations on taking your life on a new path!

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