Definitely digging through layers of neediness. I’m on dating apps just keeping an eye out for someone that sparks my interest. So far I’ve gotten some mutual matches, but I don’t even start the conversation. Sometimes it’s just a pain in the ass keeping the conversation going, it’s to the point where I’m like “do I even want to send a message and go through that same shit all over again?” The whole experience of those apps just makes me not want to interact because of how much of a waste of time it feels like. I fully acknowledge I suck at it, but I don’t really care about getting better either.
I mostly keep them around in the off chance there’s someone cool on there. But even then I’m probably competing with other guys that are way more desperate than me and give the girls more attention.
That’s it. How I continually fuck that up I don’t know. But what should be an entirely natural process went sideways for me.
My ability to regulate my emotions has never really been all there. So what I did was I just started to suppress all of them. Not good. I’m learning to allow these emotions without acting on them but I’m learning I have very strong emotions and I’m easily provoked. Anger being the big one. I’ve learned to not let it get me into trouble, but it’s not healthy at all. So while it looks like I’m calm on the outside it’s like a hurricane on the inside.
Again this is an ADHD thing. I’m learning what weaknesses I have that are largely out of my control and not holding myself to a standard that’s unfair. The irony of me being so immersed in feelings like this but 90% of the time I couldn’t give you a solid word for any of it. This is what can cause communication breakdown with people in my life. How am I supposed to explain what’s going on when I can’t even make sense of it?
The more I continue to prune the weeds of my mind I realize trying to hold onto an idealized state when you’re not actually there causes a lot of internal unrest.
The fact is I’ve had bad habits for most of my life. My relationship with myself isn’t great. Even listening to the subs I can’t expect that to just vanish. It will pass through my mind, it’s going to be there in my consciousness. It can’t just fade out of nowhere. Or if it can I haven’t seen evidence of that in all the years I’ve worked with my subconscious to change.
The goal is continual improvement and growth, but detaching from all the previous bad habits and beliefs. An important thing to remind myself is that is that the thoughts and emotions shouldn’t be avoided. My relationship with them should be adjusted. Avoiding or being incredibly vigilant about having certain thoughts and feelings implies they inherently hold more power over me.
Basically it’s all about learning how to become aware of the transitional state more. Not the hurtful past and not the idealized future. Not easy, every fiber of my being wants to either run and hide to some feel good state to deny things or be pulled into the limiting stuff.
Reading more of the Kybalion. I wish all books were this straightforward when it comes to spiritual teachings.
In a few chapters I’ve learned what I’ve struggled with for a while now. The paradox of how everything is a creation yet real at the same time. The idea that we simultaneously live in a simulated sort of reality but it’s real nonetheless. So although you can ponder what fire is, how you perceive it, if you stick your hand in you will get burned. Doesn’t matter how enlightened you are or believe that it’s a creation of mind, it still exists as a force in this reality that effects you. And that goes for everything in life. And that has to be respected to understand how to navigate life.
I mentioned my journey with AM was to ground me into the physical more. My power over my immediate reality has never been strong. But more and more I realize I’m currently on a treadmill. It doesn’t matter where I go or what I do, I’m technically in one place as things unfold around me. It’s an illusion.
All in all it seems like this is part of my journey in life. To gain a deeper understanding of the principles of how this reality works but also not to divorce myself from reality so much as to become a hermit in some hut somewhere.
Finishing up the track I’ve been working on. Realized how badly I chase my tail with things sometimes. I’m sure enough people on here have heard of the loudness wars. Well one of the producers I reference, Tipper, has figured it out. His tracks can be played at a relatively low volume and still sound full.
He figured out how to flatten the sound like everyone else but still retain dynamics. Not an easy job.
But my point is that my mixes aren’t there. I have to turn them up a bit more to sound ok. It’s such a minor thing I shouldn’t waste mental energy trying to match his mixes especially if I don’t have the creative content already mapped out. Nobody gives a shit about a well done mix if the track is boring or uninteresting.
But this is the dumb shit my brain gets hung up on and takes away from the actual music. Trying to be better with this. It’s a long term goal having high quality mixes, but I can’t let it keep getting in the way of actually making songs.
I’ve learned a lot on this one song I’ve worked on so I’m hoping moving forward there’s some wisdom there that will keep me from making the same mistakes.
So I mentioned it before but I’m going to do my best to really work on more dance oriented stuff that isn’t so deep or introspective. The problem is deep and introspective is personal, personal stuff is serious, when things are serious it triggers my need to not have it rejected, which consequently ruins the fun of music because now it becomes about insecurities vs the music.
The short of it is, the music has become too important. As backwards as that may seem considering I want more of my life to be immersed in it. But it’s an insecure importance, a “this needs to be good” importance. That will never work for creativity, ever. I’ve never known a single creative type who’s had that kind of mentality fuel great works. It mostly just leads to self destruction. I watched a short clip of Deadmau5 saying that Strobe was never intended to be a hit, he even thought it was meh. But it was his biggest song and he was close to trashing it. It just shows you can’t possibly predict how a song will connect with other people so it’s pointless stressing over it being “good”.
Just need to get back to enjoyment. I’ve got so few things in my life I enjoy honestly. To ruin making music for myself over it needing to hit some high bar is just a painful thing I do to myself and needs to end.
Thinking about rebuilding this custom and substituting blue skies for something else. Maybe even do the solace build. But I’ll probably wait on that one. Not sure. I’ve built every custom with Blue Skies so far and I think it’s just a very heavy module processing wise so it’s hard to get a feel for rest days scheduling.
Trying to maximize my results and I think healing might need to be separated on as as needed basis vs all the time.
Or maybe not. Fuck I don’t know anymore with these subs. Cutting out Blue Skies might allow me to listen more. But maybe my want to listen to a custom more is born out of insecurity. Listening to subs feels like more action towards a goal, but really it’s not. The days where you take that programming and do something with it is important. I feel like sometimes the need to listen more is compensating for the fact that I’m weak on the action part of my life. Having said that, I listened to my custom yesterday so I only had one day of rest in between. Thinking it might have been a mistake. Still can’t get it right.
Quick improvement here I’ve noticed. Less desire to kill time on my smartphone. I’d find myself mindlessly browsing some dumb crap or going on music forums and looking at topics. All distractions and avoidance from what I need to work on in life.
Trying to replace those habits with positive growth fueled ones. The issue being that the positive growth ones can be daunting tasks so that drives me to run towards the instant gratification waste of time ones.
So basically I have to reorient my mind to doing more productive things without scaring the piss out of it. An important lesson I’ve learned is just forcing myself to do things doesn’t build long term habits for me. If there’s a constant war and disagreement it’s willpower, not habit. Sure consciously I get what I want, but subconsciously there’s not much agreement there. I don’t know if all minds are this finicky or just mine or just a typical ADHD brain behavior.
I’d read about it from other people, but it was my first time to really experience it in such an obvious way.
In a nutshell: I felt very hopeless, and then I started working on tasks that felt a bit more relevant, and I started to feel better. Even made a bit of progress. So it looks like this is the Real-Time phase of subliminal use.
Cool! Yeah there’s a weird void that’s easy to get stuck in where it’s almost like dreading the idea of taking action but at the same time being in there sucks. My mind really can’t put the pieces together and “see” the value of the task until I’m actually in it. Sprinkle in a bit more recon and I think that’s the recipe for the “nothing’s gonna change” feelings. And general hopelessness too.
Wrote a track for my friend the other day. While writing it I was like “this shit is too happy/not cool”. I don’t know but a lot of my music has this tendency to pull towards happy but at the same time melancholic. It’s very conflicted in what it wants to be. I’ll throw up the demo here in a bit
If I had to sum it up, sometimes when I write music it gives me that same feeling of being an outsider around other people. An uncomfortableness, wrong sensation. Like I should be something else other than what I am. It’s an awful feeling.
But I showed my friend and he says I nailed the vibe he was thinking of and liked it, so yeah.
I think I’m going to take a week off my custom this week. This thing still seems to be digging. To be blunt I’m feeling pretty messed up today. The alpha traits I’ve been trying to integrate have been crappy insecurity based overcompensation behaviors. Tired of being anxious around people, but I think I’m more tired of trying to come across like I’m not anxious. Like really what am I trying to prove or who am I trying to impress by being more confident? This shit is weak. I still don’t have a solid foundation. That’s not to say I haven’t made improvement, but really it’s been like every day whipping myself for whatever little display of insecurity or awkward behavior I have with people. And I’m tired of thinking I’m the most pathetic person in the world if I’m not some 100% confident all the time go getter.
Kinda pissed at myself right now. I’m definitely stonewalling sub influence. And I thought I could just think my way out of it somehow, but that’s not the case. Seems like taking a week off, with the exception of running love bomb today to improve my mood a bit, is resulting in partial execution.
How do I know when I’m stonewalling? Well it’s a very detached state. It’s a dissociative one I’ve turned to many times in my life before subliminals and it’s a very bad habit I’ve built up.
My life still very much feels like a mess. Just going to outline the ways I feel things are messing with me right now.
Still stuck in this job I hate. I’m just reaching a breaking point because it’s cutting into my personal life with how much energy I feel gets sucked away here.
I can’t motivate myself to do anything I don’t care about. And right now that’s only music. So I’m incredibly dysfunctional. I was supposed to be learning from a course to brush up on my IT skills, but I feel like life just keeps slipping away. Every free hour I get is precious and I can’t bring myself to waste it on stuff I really don’t care about. I’ve already lost a lot of time in my life to a bunch of mental bullshit. I’m at a point where I just get angry at shit that claims more of that time.
On a grand scale I just don’t give a fuck. And not in a good way. I mean I feel like I don’t want to be part of modern society. The goal was to integrate more by strengthening myself. But the more I run my subs the more I just get disillusioned with everything. Give you an example. A lot of people at my job dress up nice. I have since stopped giving a fuck. Jeans and t-shirt unless I’m feeling like wearing something nice, most the time I don’t even keep up on shaving. I just don’t care anymore. I don’t think it’s confidence or not caring what people think, I just feel fucking done trying keep up appearances and all the energy that takes for me.
I don’t see a way out of my current predicament right now. I’m not saying there isn’t a way out, I just don’t see it right now. It just seems like trading one dead end for another if I get another IT job. But then I have no marketable skills anywhere else or a career built up so good luck supporting myself financially.
Mostly what I’m venting about here is that I don’t have the confidence, fearlessness, or strong will to guide my life in the right direction for me like a self actualized ascended alpha male would. And yet that’s what I entirely expect from myself right now.
It’s not empowering, this shit tears me up inside because I don’t know what to do to get freedom.
Idk if anyone has any recommendations sub wise. Life advice maybe. But as of right now I feel like someone simulatenously having a foot in two separate realities both pulling from each side splitting me in two.
Reflecting on that last post I think I have to experiment with an extended rest period. I’ve never been off a sub more than a week. But my life is a mess right now and clearly trying to hammer away at my mind is not the approach to take. I’m tired, feeling defeated, but still feeling like I’m being dragged through life by obligations I don’t care about. This isn’t how life should be for me.
I understand this on an intellectual level but not an emotional one. I think the reason I focus so much on achievement is because I don’t feel a lot of enjoyment in my life. Those achievements and changes to get out of whatever this is are really what keep me going. Enjoyment has always been something illusive to me.
The irony being I have joie de vivre in my custom because I know how difficult that’s been for me. But it seems like I’m not following the guidance of that module.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it now. There are clear changes in how you’re coming at things. You may not be done with the mountain yet, but you’ve definitely traversed your fair share of hills and valleys.
The secret is that none of this is actually a contest. Life is not a triumph or a tragedy. Rather, it’s the continual ebbing and flowing of waves.
That’s it.
But in the midst of that ebbing and flowing, we create our triumphs and tragedies. Why? Ultimately, it’s because we want to. And that’s okay.
And please don’t take this as my saying that BS of ‘you want to suffer’ or ‘this is your fault’ or ‘you’re self-sabotaging’. I don’t believe any of that. I’m saying that on a deeper level, our developing body-minds want to feel and experience a certain tension and traction in life. So we set up contrasts, polarities, and dichotomies. Otherwise, we’d feel unmoored.
Eventually, some people grow out of that. (I haven’t)
Anyway, when’s the last time you got out in nature and walked around? Saw some stars? Maybe take a little guitar and play some bullshit chords with no pressure.
Change the pace. Without trying to fix or solve anything.
Thanks man. I guess I don’t have a good perspective of what’s going on under the hood so to speak and the unnerves me. But you’re right, regardless of what’s going on I have to trust in the process.
It’s been a while if I’m honest. I’m actually going camping with some friends this weekend so I’ll be away from everything. Hoping that gives me a bit of a reset.
I need to figure out some things I can do to change the pace. My biggest issue is when the weekend hits I feel really drained and it’s hard to leave my place. So starting with that I should probably find some things I can do that don’t stress me out. When I was a kid I lived on a private road, so I’d just grab my skateboard and run out front. Now I have to drive to a skatepark and as dumb as it seems that one extra step keeps me from doing it. That’s actually one of my struggles. Without making it seem like I’m lazy or something, a lot of things feel like effort. Even watching a tv show, movie, or playing video games or something. So it’s been tough just doing stuff, even relaxing stuff.
I appreciate the help. What you’re saying here is true. My biggest issue in all this is expectations don’t always match up with the reality of doing something. Sometimes they do, sometimes that movie or tv show did turn out to be a waste of time because I zoned out in the middle of watching it and wasn’t actually engaged.
At least when I focus on achievements there’s a somewhat clear end goal and I know what to expect. Sometimes the unpredictability of engaging in relaxing activities can make me more stressed.
It’s a complicated issue. What seems like a simple answer or action towards more enjoyment in life is anything but for me. I’ve learned it’s not a matter of “stop overthinking things and just do it” because that never works. It’s about working with my mind to find some kind of compromise.
Having said that, it’s probably over-exaggerated a bit right now because of reconciliation I’m going through. But it definitely does exist in my better days as well.
