Can’t help myself, these things are just such solid performers from everything I’ve read/been told about. This is what I bought today.
Definitely need to get myself an outlet for reconciliation. I’ve realized things like meditation, relaxation exercises, or the horrible one overthinking just land me into more trouble. I always have this belief I can think my way out of it or do something more and I just get stuck in this spiral. When really I just need something that isn’t mental, at all.
Trying to get back into working out. Going to build myself a routine using isometric exercises, I used to be really consistent with that. Do some shadow boxing as well. Wish I still had a heavy bag.
I’ve just got a lot of pent up anger. At my job, at the career I stuck myself in, at my dwindling energy levels because of the demands put on me for that job, and at people that just see me as a means to an end. Ive had enough self control to not explode on people or be nasty, but it’s running low lately. If I can’t find a way to direct this anger into assertiveness I’m gonna have a problem. I’m tired of being perceived as someone that can be taken advantage of or can be easily disrespected.
In short I’m losing my desire to be nice to people because I don’t trust them. And I’ve dealt with enough crap in my life that effects my self esteem, I don’t need some unpredictable outside person to make my life anymore difficult.
I’m stuck on one of two modes. Overly aggressive, but not outwardly lashing out. Or complacent and too nice. Neither one is alpha behavior. The former is a long-standing habit I’ve had since I was a teenager with social anxiety. I used to walk around crowded places like school ready for a fight, always on guard, suspicious of people. I didn’t start stuff but I made sure I didn’t look like a target. That’s how I’ve always dealt with the unpredictable nature of people. I’ve never been at ease around them, ever.
Reading a lot of that back I think the issue here is my current circumstances with my life and job and how that’s basically short circuiting my brain because of ADHD. I keep thinking I have to climb over these emotional episodes to get more growth but I’m failing to address what’s causing these flare ups. No being irrationally angry and agitated isn’t good or a sign of growth. Being detached and unresponsive at work isn’t a sign of asserting control over my life.
There’s a lot I’m still trying to figure out with my brain. But one thing is certain my environment and circumstances are making things worse for me and I have to work on those vs purely relying on emotional management techniques and sticking it out. Still much to learn to treat myself better.
Might have been listening at too low of a volume for my custom. I bumped up the volume today a bit and noticed my mannerisms changed a lot later on in the day. Posture more upright, relaxed walk, and just owning my personal space.
I was listening at a pretty low volume and telling myself it was ok because my subconscious will pick it up. But really it might have been a clever way to reduce the influence of the sub.
I think there’s definitely an optimum volume. If I had to guess hitting around the same db as a casual conversation. Loud enough so your attention is maintained, but not shouting or taking loudly. I was probably around whisper quiet, so it’s possible my mind disregarded some of it.
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paging @Meng123
Just seems like an important point. Not sure what I’m asking you to do @Meng123. Just wanted this to be added into that amazing archive in your mind.
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Lol,isnt it the same as this post?
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You know, it basically is.
It’s been a while since I read the post that you linked. It already says it well.
So, I guess that it was just the way that @Fractal_Explorer phrased it. Just added a little bit of nuance for me.
Thanks.
The Archive Remains!!!
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Gratitude is my new focus. Genuine gratitude. This might be difficult for me I’m not gonna lie. I don’t find myself easily influenced by things. But I want to stop seeing what’s constantly wrong in my life and focus on the positives I do have. I can feel like crap, then focus on stuff that makes me feel worse. Or I can feel like crap and focus on things that might help me feel a little better. Nothing magical or life changing mind you, but given the two one makes more sense than the other.
I’m also trying to remove a habit I have of being afraid of negative thoughts and feelings. Stuff like I can’t do this, I’m a failure, I’ll never be happy, etc. So often in my life I’ve felt like that but everyone told me don’t think like that. And guess what? That doesn’t work. Ironically I think what kept most of these in place throughout the years is the fact I’ve had internal resistance to them. When you aren’t given the space to acknowledge what you’re dealing with and told to not think about those things, they get repressed. And scientific studies have shown the effort to repress an idea or thought actually magnifies it. So yeah, try not feeling like a failure and you feel more like one the harder you distance yourself from that genuine feeling.
The ability to allow all those thoughts and feelings but not get pulled into them is a skill. It helps to understand that it’s one aspect of my psyche expressing itself, but not some inherent truth.
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A thought crossed my mind today and that was basically asking myself if I really had a good idea of what was reality. Reality for me has always been what’s presented in front of me, but when I think about it now if I’m operating from a set of beliefs and patterns that put me on a similar path am I really seeing everything else? Can I ever truly see other parts of reality without first changing my internal belief system? I’d say the answer is no. For that reason it doesn’t make sense for me to easily write off what’s possible for myself.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I live in a reality that’s cold, unforgiving, manipulative, dangerous, and inherently a fight to survive. I’m going to change that. I don’t want to go around life thinking someone is going to stab me in the back around every turn.
This really hit home when I felt bad about my position in my IT job and then read other accounts online from almost 10 years ago that mimicked my thoughts. So what’s more likely? That this type of job invites universal manipulation and general mistreatment of employees? Or that’s my belief and I saw that in my reality because it holds more weight? Consequently attracted more events that confirmed that belief.
The fact is for years now I’ve been walking in a tunnel filled with hardship and fighting at every turn. My triumphs over this stuff weren’t exactly me escaping the tunnel. The problems in this tunnel are a consequence of the tunnel I chose, not life itself. I need to find a new tunnel defined with new parameters for how I want my life to be lived, not continuing this age old fight thinking there’s some end to it.
For this reason AM has been tricky for me because it automatically makes me think of surviving in a cutthroat world. Being an alpha, being tough, not taking shit, etc. All valuable skills but only when the need arises. Not centering life around that and making it a necessity for a happy life.
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Something has been supporting you to evolve. I don’t know what exactly it is, but I wager that Ascension is some part of it.
Your frame feels stronger, and it feels like it’s continually strengthening.
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Ascension has definitely been much needed for me. But I’d probably also say current invoker and unlimiter play a strong role as well. This might be why I’m having similar alchemist like results, I do have some more metaphysical focus in this custom.
But it’s good to hear it from someone else. Change has always been hard for me. And I really realized today how much I have a tendency to give up because of the filter I see my life through.
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That lecture says it all. If I can internalize that message completely and understand it on a fundamental level I’ll have control over my reality.
Neville talks about living in the end a lot. I think where I’ve gone wrong in the past is confusing his assertion to ignore the 3d. Meaning don’t attach meaning to it or use it as proof of absolute reality. Not trying to ignore the actual reality you’re currently in, so basically if money is a concern address what can help you but understand it’s a step on the way to financial freedom. It’s not the endpoint.
As for me. I’m going to write down a list of all the things I tell myself that I am currently. And then a list of everything I desire for myself. Currently I can see I hold the identity of a struggling musician and someone who is weak who has to fight their way through the world. That’s the wrong identity to manifest what I want. I’m essentially inviting more hardship into my life with that attitude
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2 days in a row of chaos at my job. Ironically they were both days where I was more positive. I don’t know how or why it happens but every time I facilitate a greater state of strength and control, my immediate environment erupts in chaos. Like the stronger I get it’s like some hidden door is flung open and a whole bunch of nonsense pours out.
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And now I’m feeling like crap. One of the most important things with AM for me is building a foundation. I’m doing my best to not identify with the same old story of being an outcast. I’ve met a grand total of 2 people in the past 3 years. I could sit here and say that it’s because I’ve never really fit in, but I think the reality is I don’t share enough of myself. I’m ok being alone, I think what bugs me is sort of not feeling like there’s any other option besides that. Being alone is less of a preference for me and more of a consequence of what I’ve told myself over the years that caused me to isolate. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got a few close friends. But if they left or I left, that’s kinda it for me. I’d still keep in contact, but I’ve never had much luck with making new friends.
I understand I do this to myself. And I don’t have to just accept a life like this because “it’s who I am”. But it’s hard. I’ve lived most of my life messed up, it’s tough re-orienting to something you’ve never had much experience with to begin with.
I’ll say this, it’s easy to solve problems in the reality you currently live in that you don’t care for. It’s harder to completely redefine that reality and move onto something completely different where those problems don’t find you. Getting hit with a lot of reconciliation because the contrast between where I want to be and where I am now is very strong.
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Important lesson being learned with music. Don’t be afraid to scrap an idea. Not necessarily a whole song, but an aspect of it. I’ve been working on this dnb tune and of course my ego got in the way and I chopped a break in a complicated but really unsatisfyingly musical way. So I was fighting to finish it and getting frustrated because that drum sequence was so abrasive and annoying. I have a tendency to force myself to finish stuff because I’ve always sucked at it, but I’m realizing forcing myself to finish ideas I don’t like isn’t a great idea. There’s doubt and then there’s musical intuition, learning to differentiate those is important to me.
Other than that I got my studio monitors all set up and they are kick ass. Very unforgiving, meaning you get a crystal clear picture of how your mix is lacking and damn do I have some blind spots from mixing on headphones for years. But the dimensionality of speakers, it’s crazy how the sounds are almost physical and it feels like you could touch them. That’s how solid the imaging is on these things. Playing a nice chord on a pad sound and have it flow through the air is just amazing. They’re definitely going to inspire me more to experiment with how things move within the sound stage.
Overall I’m trying to scale back on the need to make really elaborate songs. I just want to catch a vibe and roll with it, whether that be house or dnb or any other genre. The fact is music writing is still intimidating to me and I want to change that. I also think getting out of the more “heady” type of composition and more into the dance and groove will have a way of grounding me.
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Would this help?
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I actually have a copy of this. It’s hit or miss with some of the stuff in it. Unfortunately my struggle isn’t with the technical and that seems like the large majority of focus when it comes to music production. I think at this point I just really need to write more and increase my output. It’s definitely more of a mental block/feeling too tired to concentrate on stuff at times.
Here’s an idea for some point in time:
Take your music out of the production space.
Add some of it randomly to a playlist interspersed with other people’s music so it just comes on while you’re listening to music.
Play it while you’re just vibing or relaxing.
Throw it on in some place where people are chilling, and expose them to it.
hahaha. All of these are just from me. They’re not the Holy Grail or anything.
I’ve been in meetings or presentations and played my own music during a break or during the pre- or post- periods just as atmosphere. Didn’t tell anyone it was my music.
And now I’m working on a task and have a half finished riff from December 2020 looping in the background. It’s making me happy. Not because it’s perfect. Just because I happen to like it. Of course, I like it. Right? Otherwise, why would I have made it. 
Anyway. May be different for you. Just throwing some more ideas at you.
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That’s awesome.
Yeah sometimes I’ll put on my stuff at night and just try to get into a headspace of taking my attention off the music. I’ll loop it until I’m sort of daydreaming or nodding off. There’s this space I hit sometimes where I forget it’s my music and I have a deeper appreciation for it.
They are good suggestions. Im still really insecure about my stuff so it’s tough slipping it in anywhere.
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That’s exactly what I’m talking about.
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