Finding my own path (CFW, Genesis, others)

Journals - Major Programs
#112

June 7, 2023 (cont.)

Both mentally and emotionally, I was off today. I feel like this unmovable anchor in my life got a serious yank before I even got out of bed. Writing can do that to me, which is why I’m writing now. I’m trying to see the truth in my life.

  • Got out of bed grudgingly. Not because of work. Because of feeling ripped from my normal. I wanted something called “safe”.
  • Left without my keys. Had to go back, forgetting to put the garbage out.
  • Lost a tool at work. I told people who are safer, but didn’t tell my super. I could only imagine him flipping out, threatening and shaming me, so no fucking way. I left without him knowing.
  • I realized that I assume some will be only negative…but I was only imagining other’s negative responses. I know this, but people will often meet you where you’re at, and even play out what you’re seeking. One person comes with a smile, and others match him. Another comes with a snarl, and quickly people are moody and discontent.

So, in short, I felt really disconnected from my normal mental and emotional reality.

One thing I noticed myself doing repeatedly was:

  • I found myself looking to blame others for only imagined offenses. I never had any issue with anyone in real life; this was all in my head. Because if it’s “your” fault, it takes the pressure off me. What prompted me was a fear of painful rejection, and ultimately, abandonment. As in fearing a total loss.

Lastly, I’ve been writing for 20 minutes, and I’m looking at the last paragraph. What kind of pressure do I put on myself to not fail? That’s my sticking point, my never-ending push to not be caught fucking up.

I’ll just write this: Can I disable this? I’d give a lot to be able to do that.

#113

July 8, 2023
Genesis this morning

So much is in motion mentally. I listened to Genesis 15 minutes ago, and it was quite relaxing vs. what I’ve felt the last couple of days.

I even replied to my crypto miner this morning, asking him a question I know I’ve already asked him. I couldn’t remember his reason for a decision, I asked, and then added on where I’m at now.

Maybe it’s lack of sleep, but my memory has been off ever since unburying those memories of emotional and physical abandonment just 2 days ago. As if my memory wants to hold on to nothing. I’ve had shorter, less intense episodes of this while doing healing work (DR St.1, for example). I just don’t understand it.

And I’ll say this. I feel like my whole identity/reality has been severely shaken, and my brain is waiting on the dust to settle so it can (possibly) try to rebuild its fantasy supports again. Which has been my norm. I don’t know. I’m only guessing.

I do feel quite unhinged from those normal supports.

I have to work today, but I’ll come home and drop in bed. I need some R&R.

#114

June 8, 2023 (cont.)

Real life. Consequences. Results. And lessons being learned.

I had a reality check with myself 15 minutes ago. I came home with a coworker, which I requested since I knew rain was imminent and my own transportation is a scooter. I asked for the ride last night and he came early this morning

Note: I felt slightly uncomfortable since he’s picked me up half a dozen times, and I’ve not given him any gas money or anything besides verbal thanks. This uncomfortableness has been growing in me lately. I’ve not really known why.

And he dropped me off. No issues, and I thanked him verbally again.

I walked in my place, and was quickly informed I’d blocked my housemate’s car by parking behind him yesterday. I’d planned on riding my scooter into work today before checking the weather last night.

My housemate was quick to jump up when I walked in since he needed to get to the bank to make a needed deposit. He began sharing his ordeal in being stuck there all day due to my parking location.

And…I grumbled (in my head). “Whah whah! Why do you have to only complain to me? I’m not your problem!”

But something…CFW or Genesis…had me consider myself once he’d left. I’ve felt (and acted) more like a small child lately. But…I’m a grown man. And I’m queuing him–even nonverbally demanding–to treat me like a small child.

But… I’m an adult. Then it hit me.

I’ve expected him and others to treat me with kid gloves, as if I were a small child right now. Today. I’ve had these very real unspoken expectations of him.

Oh my… I’m acting like a child hoping he’ll 'be nice", and I’m basically not taking responsibility for so many decisions I make. CFW and Genesis are blaring in my emotional self right now…since this thought process is causing me a LOT of conflict. I’ve only been dodging this, kicking the can down the road.

Sitting with the felt consequences now. This is demanding action on my part. I’ve had those same expectations with the coworker who drove me, which is why I’ve been uncomfortable lately. I’ve expected, expected, and expected more kid-like treatment. Damn, this is wrong.

I have to change. I’ve been taking the easy way. But real-life consequences aren’t nice, nor desirable. I don’t like this since I’m playing on people’s sympathies. This demands a change.

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#115

Shit. I came here…damn…to play on people’s sympathies, right here at SC. I can’t complain.

I’m feeling very young and soft, but that’s me. I’m learning how to be an adult–but whining is a manipulation of people’s trust. That’s not who I want to be. I don’t want this.

I’ve gotta deal with the old messages and beliefs.

#116

I just listened to 3 minutes of Sanguine.

I’ve been scared to move today. I began a detached post this morning after reading someone’s old post about changes they’d made. I began it and was slowly overwhelmed by a part of me in pain and not wanting to be hurt again. I was wanting to be positive.

Truthfully, I was attempting to influence my painful parts there was hope.

Nope. Not true. I’ve not wanted to feel so much pain. Done. I said it. I don’t like feeling stuck in pain.

I don’t want to see my housemate since I only imagine judgments. I’m gonna leave for a while.

#117

I found this gem in a current thread about burnout.

Thank you @Malkuth.

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#118

July 12, 2023
Rest day

I’ve had some major recon since last weekend. I’m going to take another rest day.

But my reason for writing is something that hit me this morning.

I’ve always expected life to be easy for me. Having brothers who would take the hardest tasks or consequences had me knowing I could avoid a lot of undesirable stuff.

I never thought about this, but when my middle brother left, that was when this fantasy was ripped from me. I just never let it go. I’m dead serious. My life has wrapped around decisions trying to keep it alive.

And now, personal responsibility. Both thrill and disgust is felt physically. In my mind I see myself pulling and straining to walk forward.

But what I’m actually doing is trying to ignore my one finger holding on to this large, unmoving steel object. I’m really trying hard to be ignorant of this, and I’m hoping (childishly fantasizing) that noone else notices either. Yeah, that’s me.

This is the choice I made. It’s a choice I’m still making. I have never really considered not living like this. It’s always been a fun fantasy.

Wondering…why do people change? I even wonder “can I?” And “do I want to?”

What else is there?

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#119

Only today it became crystal clear to me how to deal with topical recon (related to the goals of your programming) and amplify the results. It may be that it works with WB and DR:LD only as they’re based on the newest technology but you could give it a try anyhow, mate. I’m posting it here since there may be more people who find it beneficial.

To amend recon try to do something to get more align with the scripting (socialize, for example) and avoid doing things that are in its opposition like looking for isolation, for example.

The rule behind it is:

When recon hits, fake it (try to mimic what the scripting is supposed to accomplish) till you make it.

It’s enough to stop listening to the insecurity thoughts caused by the recon and set your intention on feeling into your new role (your sub wants you to align with) and playing it for a minute or two. Then it gets effortless. Yet you still need to mind (monitor) those thoughts coming back periodically and act accordingly to get rid of them in the way described above.

Setting your intent on feeling into the role (your sub wants you to play) and acting accordingly not only helps resolve recon but it also amplifies the results. The whole thing is about fighting off the insecurity thoughts stemming from recon this way and allowing yourself to be led by that persona (your sub is instilling in you).

Hope it will help you, mate.

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#120

Thank you Voytek. I’m already trying to be more social and responsible this morning due to your post.

And no, it’s not new knowledge. The new titles just may be bringing this to your attention.

I’ve used this same principle with SC subs in the past. I’d be pushed to do something way out of my comfort zone (thinking of Emperor now), and when I consistently looked for ways to act out the sub, I’d often find one.

It did help me embrace the persona. It did.

I actually enjoyed my ride into work this morning. I got picked up at my house, and we talked nonstop. Socializing has been much more enjoyable since that normal inclination to play powerless has been slipping away. This is so much more fulfilling.

Thank you so much for your reminder and encouragement. It’s the little things that matter :+1:

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#121

Writing now is me socializing while I’m at home. I also ate when I got home, made a meal for tomorrow morning, and cleaned all my dishes, all because I knew it needed doing. I hadn’t planned on doing all I did, but it was the responsible thing. I didn’t see that until I’d finished.

I felt good about it, and when I told my housemate (I’m seeing him almost like a kind of father figure), I almost started crying. It was unexpected and still points to me feeling looser emotionally. My norm is keeping it all in to keep control.

From past years on different emotional healing subs, part of me felt like crying because I’m saying goodbye to something. I’m still sappy.

#122

July 13, 2023
LBFH and AC this morning

I had a moment this morning when I experienced disgust when I considered a helpless mindset. That felt empowering.

#123

I listened to Genesis tonight.

But before I did, I found myself wanting to do things I know I could do and would be good for me. I liked it.

What I came to write about was me dismissing likes and desires I have. I’m realizing that I am the person who’s constantly doing this. I thought of Michel’s recent post in the DR:LD thread, and it clicked.

I fear feeling helpless when wondering about something and wish to ask for help–but who said I need to look for and rely upon unreliable people for support? Who is telling me I need to follow this unproductive avenue? The real question isn’t “Why?”, but “why am I faithfully following a voice I know leads me to pain and shame?” I’ve done that, feeling painfully chained to a hopeless leader (mom?)

I know I’ve been dwelling on some of DR:LD’s goals, for mindlessly and repeatedly circling mistakes in my life and thinking really sucks. Noone was made to live like this. I wasn’t. I almost dismissed that thought looking at my history. I’m feeling actually NOT ok with passively accepting unhelpful advice. I’m not overtly mad. But dammit, it’s not what I WANT!!!

I’ll share what I was thinking; Over a month back, I had a profound experience when I mixed AC with CFW. So, I PM’d Invictus since I saw he’d used it a bit. In short, he suggested I get a custom with CFW and AC mixed. He shared it really helped him when hearing it on a more regular basis in customs.

And…I delayed. Avoided it. Grew afraid of it. Found other “needed” items to spend money on. I never made this custom. I thought about this while showering tonight, and I heard that dismissive voice within saying “oh no. No no no”. Like it wanted to move away from thoughts of good change.

Those limitations show up regularly in friendships, money decisions, anything at all which is new and untested. Like a perpetual pessimist.

Hell, I even imagined putting AC in my DR customs. I see AC like a lit match in a gunpowder keg.

And going back to the “Seven Commandments” found on the DRLD sales page, I need specific goals. I’ll be thinking on this, as that inner pessimist often dismisses clear, reasonable goals.

#124

I read this this morning. I truly relate.

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#125

July 15, 2023
CFW solo this morning

I listened, and now I want to run away from something. I’m not sure what, and why.

I have something I’ve really not wanted to touch, and CFW is pointing at it.

I’m glad these subs work despite our resistance to (major) change. I truly sense this is one of those core pillars I’ve built my life on.

Sitting here wondering “CFW custom?” I’ve been thinking about this all morning.

#126

Dealing with mental recon. Listened to Genesis when I got home from work.

What I’m really really struggling with is a growing awareness of my fear of being honest with myself.

I’ve been watching movies since I got off work, knowing there’s this pain I’m trying to avoid.

I’ll imagine me sharing here, and I’ll put this mask on even in these imaginations, until I realize it’s a mask. I drop any intention of writing, knowing the mask only keeps me afraid and in pain. I don’t want to be that person. I’m just not sure how…no, I’m scared to be honest.

I’ve grown since mixing CFW and Genesis. I just feel fileted every time. Not knowing if I can handle feeling so vulnerable.

I’ve lived behind shields my entire life ********and I just realized something.

These subs tear down my defenses. But how I normally treat myself is what creates more pain and fear. I treat myself like shit emotionally. I do what I know. I avoid myself a lot. I don’t give myself much good attention since I think I’m bad or undeserving.

I’m thinking solutions, and DR comes up. But the new scripting in DRLD is what I’d love to see in DR. Self worth and self-love mostly. That’s often missing in healing subs–and a major shout-out to the moderators and @AnswerGroup:

Wanting to feel good about myself is the reason I do healing work. Feeling pain is a given on healing subs, but staying in pain or fear of pain is what makes me question my direction over time. I’ve had this same issue with subs, therapists, and solo healing work. Feeling stuck in pain demotivates me.

Yes, I’m in recon now. I’d just like some resolution. Me writing helps own my truth and take a step toward it.

#127

I went to the DRLD sales page, began reading it, and quickly felt that tendency to blame others for my problems.

Maybe I should just wait out the month since I’ll be starting DRLD then. The sales page reminded me that I’ve kept this mental structure in place. Others didn’t create my pain.

#128

July 16, 2023
Rest day

Dealing with minor recon today and yesterday. I’m going to have to pull off CFW since I’ve been mixing it with Genesis. CFW takes my protective gear down, but has little support scripting to move me through the new awareness. I’ll do Genesis tomorrow and add in LBFH until the end of the cycle, which is the end of the month.

#129

You seem to go in and out of painful states. Your posts seem different than one year ago. What do you think helped you get from there (one year ago) to here?

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#130

Short version: I’m liking being honest vs. putting on a front. If I can be honest with myself, life is much, much easier. I find distress on any sub when I’m trying to actively lie to myself about something.

Long version:

I’ll share something which happened today. I contacted a veteran member here on the forum to see if I was thinking right about my future sub plans. I’d been planning on Genesis and DRLD next cycle.

A single line in his reply stumped me. He advised I look at my present life to see what I’m actively pursuing, and to choose subs to capitalize on those areas vs. forcing myself into any sub’s goals.

Well, personally, I’ve felt wrong about a financial choice I made a couple of years back, and despite me looking more into wealth subs lately, I still carry this nagging guilt. It’s pretty rough. I remembered I had been clearly touched on the original Chosen, to where I even told one person here about my actions and the guilt that came with it. Chosen heightened my sense of right and wrong, and I wished to make things right. It was eating me alive.

And today, I let the member here know I’d go on Chosen and Genesis since this is what’s been steering my actions in nearly everything. I need to do the right thing. Everything else is just a (dishonest) show.

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#131

July 18, 2023
Rest day

I did Genesis yesterday morning, and LBFH last night. I woke up feeling slightly afraid of facing my day.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say I’m waking up with a new awareness, not wearing shields, and that core part of me feels afraid.

That’s LBFH putting me in touch with the inner me.I’m pretty sure this will be my 3rd track in my new cycle, but I’m going to use it with Genesis alone until then.

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