Finding my own path (CFW, Genesis, others)

Journals - Major Programs
#121

Writing now is me socializing while I’m at home. I also ate when I got home, made a meal for tomorrow morning, and cleaned all my dishes, all because I knew it needed doing. I hadn’t planned on doing all I did, but it was the responsible thing. I didn’t see that until I’d finished.

I felt good about it, and when I told my housemate (I’m seeing him almost like a kind of father figure), I almost started crying. It was unexpected and still points to me feeling looser emotionally. My norm is keeping it all in to keep control.

From past years on different emotional healing subs, part of me felt like crying because I’m saying goodbye to something. I’m still sappy.

#122

July 13, 2023
LBFH and AC this morning

I had a moment this morning when I experienced disgust when I considered a helpless mindset. That felt empowering.

#123

I listened to Genesis tonight.

But before I did, I found myself wanting to do things I know I could do and would be good for me. I liked it.

What I came to write about was me dismissing likes and desires I have. I’m realizing that I am the person who’s constantly doing this. I thought of Michel’s recent post in the DR:LD thread, and it clicked.

I fear feeling helpless when wondering about something and wish to ask for help–but who said I need to look for and rely upon unreliable people for support? Who is telling me I need to follow this unproductive avenue? The real question isn’t “Why?”, but “why am I faithfully following a voice I know leads me to pain and shame?” I’ve done that, feeling painfully chained to a hopeless leader (mom?)

I know I’ve been dwelling on some of DR:LD’s goals, for mindlessly and repeatedly circling mistakes in my life and thinking really sucks. Noone was made to live like this. I wasn’t. I almost dismissed that thought looking at my history. I’m feeling actually NOT ok with passively accepting unhelpful advice. I’m not overtly mad. But dammit, it’s not what I WANT!!!

I’ll share what I was thinking; Over a month back, I had a profound experience when I mixed AC with CFW. So, I PM’d Invictus since I saw he’d used it a bit. In short, he suggested I get a custom with CFW and AC mixed. He shared it really helped him when hearing it on a more regular basis in customs.

And…I delayed. Avoided it. Grew afraid of it. Found other “needed” items to spend money on. I never made this custom. I thought about this while showering tonight, and I heard that dismissive voice within saying “oh no. No no no”. Like it wanted to move away from thoughts of good change.

Those limitations show up regularly in friendships, money decisions, anything at all which is new and untested. Like a perpetual pessimist.

Hell, I even imagined putting AC in my DR customs. I see AC like a lit match in a gunpowder keg.

And going back to the “Seven Commandments” found on the DRLD sales page, I need specific goals. I’ll be thinking on this, as that inner pessimist often dismisses clear, reasonable goals.

#124

I read this this morning. I truly relate.

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#125

July 15, 2023
CFW solo this morning

I listened, and now I want to run away from something. I’m not sure what, and why.

I have something I’ve really not wanted to touch, and CFW is pointing at it.

I’m glad these subs work despite our resistance to (major) change. I truly sense this is one of those core pillars I’ve built my life on.

Sitting here wondering “CFW custom?” I’ve been thinking about this all morning.

#126

Dealing with mental recon. Listened to Genesis when I got home from work.

What I’m really really struggling with is a growing awareness of my fear of being honest with myself.

I’ve been watching movies since I got off work, knowing there’s this pain I’m trying to avoid.

I’ll imagine me sharing here, and I’ll put this mask on even in these imaginations, until I realize it’s a mask. I drop any intention of writing, knowing the mask only keeps me afraid and in pain. I don’t want to be that person. I’m just not sure how…no, I’m scared to be honest.

I’ve grown since mixing CFW and Genesis. I just feel fileted every time. Not knowing if I can handle feeling so vulnerable.

I’ve lived behind shields my entire life ********and I just realized something.

These subs tear down my defenses. But how I normally treat myself is what creates more pain and fear. I treat myself like shit emotionally. I do what I know. I avoid myself a lot. I don’t give myself much good attention since I think I’m bad or undeserving.

I’m thinking solutions, and DR comes up. But the new scripting in DRLD is what I’d love to see in DR. Self worth and self-love mostly. That’s often missing in healing subs–and a major shout-out to the moderators and @AnswerGroup:

Wanting to feel good about myself is the reason I do healing work. Feeling pain is a given on healing subs, but staying in pain or fear of pain is what makes me question my direction over time. I’ve had this same issue with subs, therapists, and solo healing work. Feeling stuck in pain demotivates me.

Yes, I’m in recon now. I’d just like some resolution. Me writing helps own my truth and take a step toward it.

#127

I went to the DRLD sales page, began reading it, and quickly felt that tendency to blame others for my problems.

Maybe I should just wait out the month since I’ll be starting DRLD then. The sales page reminded me that I’ve kept this mental structure in place. Others didn’t create my pain.

#128

July 16, 2023
Rest day

Dealing with minor recon today and yesterday. I’m going to have to pull off CFW since I’ve been mixing it with Genesis. CFW takes my protective gear down, but has little support scripting to move me through the new awareness. I’ll do Genesis tomorrow and add in LBFH until the end of the cycle, which is the end of the month.

#129

You seem to go in and out of painful states. Your posts seem different than one year ago. What do you think helped you get from there (one year ago) to here?

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#130

Short version: I’m liking being honest vs. putting on a front. If I can be honest with myself, life is much, much easier. I find distress on any sub when I’m trying to actively lie to myself about something.

Long version:

I’ll share something which happened today. I contacted a veteran member here on the forum to see if I was thinking right about my future sub plans. I’d been planning on Genesis and DRLD next cycle.

A single line in his reply stumped me. He advised I look at my present life to see what I’m actively pursuing, and to choose subs to capitalize on those areas vs. forcing myself into any sub’s goals.

Well, personally, I’ve felt wrong about a financial choice I made a couple of years back, and despite me looking more into wealth subs lately, I still carry this nagging guilt. It’s pretty rough. I remembered I had been clearly touched on the original Chosen, to where I even told one person here about my actions and the guilt that came with it. Chosen heightened my sense of right and wrong, and I wished to make things right. It was eating me alive.

And today, I let the member here know I’d go on Chosen and Genesis since this is what’s been steering my actions in nearly everything. I need to do the right thing. Everything else is just a (dishonest) show.

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#131

July 18, 2023
Rest day

I did Genesis yesterday morning, and LBFH last night. I woke up feeling slightly afraid of facing my day.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say I’m waking up with a new awareness, not wearing shields, and that core part of me feels afraid.

That’s LBFH putting me in touch with the inner me.I’m pretty sure this will be my 3rd track in my new cycle, but I’m going to use it with Genesis alone until then.

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#132

Something I read here yesterday was how our inner child can express itself in a very needy and exhausting way. I’ve been living like this.

I deducted that LBFH addresses the inner me, the part I’ve been afraid to touch. I’ve gotten as far as journaling to my inner kid in years past.

I’ll keep LBFH in my stack.

I held back a bunch of emotional whining while writing. This is me right now.