Finding my own path (CFW, Genesis, others)

Journals - Major Programs
#1

Where do I begin here?

I found out about Subliminal Club in 2018 when using another vendor’s subliminals. Where and why is not the issue, and I began on Ascension and Rebirth to start. Using (mostly Ascension) for months, I stepped into a world where I had some choice over my actual direction vs. following someone else’s direction.

And for some reason, part of that scared me. I felt my core, and I truly just didn’t want to go there.

I went on numerous SC subs over time, doing same old routines of not changing or challenging what I was afraid of. I was making some changes externally, and that drove me. But inward change? … I was still petrified of facing something. I did DR stages 1 and 2, and the deepest changes I know now I still pushed away. I went back on DR last year, and I stopped after Stage 2 again. Having done months of the heaviest healing program yet not changing some core beliefs really bothered me, as I was still putting on an act to hide the pain and shame I held from not moving that stuff. I felt defeated. And (secretly) scared of touching this stuff.

I returned to an old subliminal vendor, and I won’t share anything here. All subliminals work, if one allows them to. Over time, I chose to return to SC due to multiple positive memories I’ve had here with individual subs.

I began on Emperor and LBFH almost a month back, and the drive from Emperor I held on to. Positive external results popped up quickly, and for this last cycle I kept it up, including looking for important details in people’s journals. Those seemingly “insignificant” notes often steer my choices. Being open to change can be learned, and this is why I’m here. I know I’m not alone, and your journals prove that.

About 2 weeks back, I began Rebirth with Emperor. I thought Rebirth might tear off these old beliefs, but I was usure. But something began working. I PM’d someone here this morning, and I’ll include part of it to clarify my intentions here. I’ll be starting next Thursday with CFW and (undecided just yet).

PM:
"I noticed something important this morning. I’m on washout day 2, and though it wasn’t clear immediately, I found and find myself knowing something that’s been true a LONG time.

I began using Rebirth 2 weeks back, and I even still have rejecting thoughts about it. However, it’s stated purpose and objectives stick in my mind. (I’m rambling now, as this is difficult).

I’ve never known myself. I’ve done anything and everything in order to be loved by others–and I’ve been afraid of that truth. I’ve been afraid of knowing me, or having an identity, since for some reason that connected with aloneness and isolation (abandonment, actually).

Rebirth was the second title I bought in 2018, and I rarely used it, associating it with an unwanted pain which I’ve avoided year after year. All my life, actually.

This little gem is digging at the pain and shame I’ve created by avoiding it constantly.

My questions for myself:

Who am I?
How am I… ?
What do I love?
Who do I love?
Is anything I believe real?

Big stuff. Unsure about my wants presently. Not unsure. Afraid. Angrily asking “who the fuck am I?”

End of PM

I may match CFW with Rebirth, even though CFW has an updated Rebirth in it. I’m considering this since Rebirth strips me of old identities I’ve held to. One identity, a main one, was to live up to (everyone’s) expectations. I’m needing to step out of this since…ahem… it’s painful to knowingly hide behind old “truths”.

Finishing out my washout until then.

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#2

My first 2 purchases were Emperor and Rebirth (originally intended just on Emperor but they hit me with a OTO for Rebirth so I jumped on it).

I never really ran Rebirth. Your post is making me wanna do Rebirth in an upcoming cycle.

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Le Journal de Palpatine™ (2023)
#3

Emperor was actually my very first purchase here, and I lasted maybe 10 minutes on it. That was either v. 1 or v. 2, and anger and rage surfaced quickly. Another user let me know he’d been overwhelmed by Emperor too, so I went on Ascension.

Those early builds had a lot of power. I’ve had no major issues with Emperor ZP v.2. I had some old fears of facing strong emotions with Rebirth, but it only pointed out how I’d clung to others’ beliefs of me, all willingly. It happened on my rest days and washout, so it wasn’t immediate.

Rebirth is a sane spotlight in dark places

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#4

I’m still feeling Rebirth processing, and I considered something today.

Back in my 30’s and 40’s I lived in an area similar to where I live now. Working class neighborhood, some roads unpaved, plenty of wooded areas. Long open roads inviting me to walk.

I used to take regular walks in the old neighborhood. That was a regular thing I did. It kept me feeling alive.

I’ve considered doing this lately… but no. I thought about doing it today. Still, no change. No walk today.

With Rebirth processing, I’m seeing a connection. I’ve owned people’s assumptions about me. My landlord is a judgemental ass, but I’m seeing myself living down to his expectations of me. He calls me lazy. Thinks I’m wasting my life. Today, for the first time, I spoke up and disagreed. His truth is a lie, and I can’t take being talked down to.

Dammit, I’m doing this. I’ve made other’s judgments of me my reality. This is opening my eyes.

And one step at a time too. I’m making changes, but inner changes this time. I’m taking much more responsibility with this subliminal stack.

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#5

May 8, 2023
3rd washout day

I woke up my normal time, which is 2 hours before work starts. I also felt that unwillingness to get up and succeed.

I’ve been doing this for ages. I’m actively trying to stay in the belief that I’m a failure, though pain and suppression is felt too.

Wow. I’m also seeing I have some control over this.

Never saw it so clearly before.

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#6

May 10, 2023
Last washout day

Rebirth is still processing, and I’m completely ok with it.

To sum up what I’m experiencing, I sense it quietly challenging nearly every single negative thinking pattern that pops up.

Numerous times yesterday I felt the edges of old negative thinking patterns. But (and this is different for me) I couldn’t slide into them. I actually tried to allow them a couple of times, but no, it didn’t happen. :grin:

I’m gonna keep using Rebirth. Will start CFW with it tomorrow.

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#7

I’m at work, having just finished lunch I picked up at a supermarket. Emperor is showing itself.

I was walking towards a man, and he dropped his gaze. I usually do that first. I also didn’t feel strange about it. Not at all.

But I noticed maybe 4 women in different places giving me clear signs of interest. I’ve been open to changing my current thinking about relationships, and Rebirth is opening that door again. Seriously, a tear came up while writing that.

Emperor has been very active these last few weeks, and I’m planning on making it my 3rd sub.

And yes, I’m questioning my stated direction. Hmmm.

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#8

It’s yet another form of recon (no necessarily caused by the subs, as recon is just something everyone experiences) that imperils your growth trying to keep you fixed in the comfortable. Keep going waiting it out, mate. :blush:

#9

May 11, 2023

I disagree with your opinion, but truly, I haven’t been sharing everything.

One of my big reasons to continue it is that since I began using Emperor, I’ve NOT been avoiding the fears that have run my life. I realized a couple of times that those fears weren’t tying me up like they normally do. I didn’t cower to them, and they lose power on a regular basis.

This includes money, women, and my future plans.

Also, I don’t think I’ve shared it, but I’ve never been much of a planner for my life. I’ve always played the passive receiver of people’s gifts and direction. My life’s been pretty small due to that, and kind of sad.

I’m actually considering possibilities in my life which I just didn’t allow before. I’m feeling like I have more personal power with every decision, big or small.

But this time, I’m checking with my heart as well. Did so a lot today.

I did Emperor and Rebirth this morning. And worked my butt off all day.

I’m gonna go through the bloom tomorrow before deciding what to listen to on Saturday.

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#10

May 13, 2023
2nd rest day

My reason for using Emperor: Maturity

I found myself in a short disagreement with another man yesterday, and Emperor showed up unexpectently. In an quick changeover I was put with another worker since his coworker had to leave work suddenly. I enjoy those changeups since I’m the solution to a sudden need, plus I enjoy the job personally.

And in the past, I’ve held my feelings in a lot around this guy. I can see both of us have been insecure around each other, and for myself, it’s been a masculine validation issue. I’ve desired some validation around him, and ironically, he’s sought the very same. I’ve held back, and he’d start talking non-stop. Same issues (it seems), but different strategies.

We’d stopped to service a customer, and I did something he disagreed with. We were both moving fast, this happened fast, so he spoke up quickly and loudly. Surprizingly for me, I met him in volume and intensity. I wanted to be heard too, thus my loudness.

What hit me was my assertiveness shocked him, even to where he acted like I was suddenly offended. Since I’ve been in his spot many times, I recognized the look on his face and his attempt suddenly to back down and seek a more peaceful communication. So I backed down too. No shouting matches were needed.

He brought it up a couple of times over the next few hours we worked together, and (I realize now) it wasn’t an issue of hurt feelings prompting me to raise my voice. I was just defending my stance. My feelings would have been hurt if I didn’t speak up (self-pity), but Emperor came through loud and strong, bypassing that norm of mine. I’ve done it 1000’s of times in my life, and yesterday–nope. Our afternoon went well with each other after that.

I’m reminded of this saying a friend sent me back when Regeneration ZP (v.1) came through. I posted it in the discussion thread.

image

P.S. I was going to run CFW solo today, but since I felt something trying to be reconciled still, I held off. I’ll run CFW tomorrow. I’m enjoying the internal changes, so I’m going to allow it.

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#11

More importantly, Emperor is pushing hard with very powerful core questions for me. Questions like:

Why am I doing this? (using old personal shields, for example)

Why are you doing this if you don’t enjoy it?

Why are you giving others so much power over you?"

It’s been relentless. It might possibly be Rebirth, and if it is, Rebirth packs a punch.

I remember Ascension’s sales page saying it’ll focus you on your life purpose, and Ascension is in Emperor. I just wasn’t hearing that message so strongly when I ran Ascension long-term (v.1 and v.2).

Those kinds of questions I could wrap my life around in finding the answers. Those are big questions.

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#12

May 14, 2023
Listened to CFW solo this morning (3rd sub)

I listened to CFW masked this morning with my phone, my very first loop of the new version. I’ll admit I was a little unsure what would pop up. I have experienced highs and lows so far (6 hours later).

I need to share something I first experienced, then slowly understood.

Unbeknownst to me, I had to release some grief. After reading some news articles online, I felt myself heading into grieving something–and I realized during this how I’ve used instant distractions or dodges to avoid it.

So, I felt led to watch some Lifetime romance movie on YT. I didn’t expect it (or really want it), but I began crying easily during little plot changes and turns. Truth: I’ve wanted romantic relationships–but every time I imagine a woman, I immediately discredit/disqualify myself. Like I’m not worthy of real love. Unwanted. Old putrid stuff which has been my relational holdup. It’s been 9 years since my divorce; no dating at all.

So, I cried some.

But wait. I allowed that grief. I’ve allowed self-pity hundreds of times (thousands?) I could go out, be around some people, exchange some looks with women…something…ANYTHING.

Am I ready? Do I want to be ready?
Yes. Sitting in self-pity is like jumping into a deep well with no ladder or rope to get out, hoping and wailing loudly enough that someone will care enough to help me out. IT DON’T WORK!!

How will I live today?

I have to go find out.

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#13

May 15, 2023
Rest day

I had some serious recon last night. I ended up venting in an email to my miner, and I wrote some truths which only I can change.

The biggest one: I’m living like a 13 yo still seeking his big brother’s guidance. Seeking love and acceptance nonstop, every day, in every choice I make. This is true.

Sitting with it.

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#14

Thinking on this, I’m seeing repeated patterns which I’m slowly realizing I can change, or rather, I am willing to change.

I’ve spent a ton of time purposely ignoring and defending them when exposed. CFW seems to show me my truest motives, and trying to bury it again brings on major recon.

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#15

CFW is hitting me straight on.

I’m aware I use the victim mentality a lot.

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#16

May 16th, 2023
Listening to Emperor now

I almost wrote some victim spittle about what I’m feeling Emperor do. CFW is doing something beautiful.

Yesterday, I had a couple of those ‘stop and smell the roses’ moments. Nothing dramatic was happening. I just realized life really was beautiful. It felt really good.

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#17

May 17, 2023
Rest day

I listened to CFW last night when I got home from work. No recon like before, but wow, it’s been showing me how embedded my victim mentality’s been. The scripting is welcome, as I instantly see myself NOT using it vs. having some drawn out struggle with it.

I’ve wondered if and when I’ll experience some grief letting it go, and I am feeling a little heavier in my gut now. I’m writing mainly to tell myself some truth.

I’m realizing I have been the one I hurt the most while living with this. I’ve been digging and digging for years looking for why I’m unhappy, and BOOM!! CFW reveals it. I’ve been uncomfortable, lying to myself in every area of life—constantly HIDING this truth from myself. Hiding behind some myth that someone else can help me be happy again. And I’ve buried, buried, buried the truth that I’ve been playing like a young boy, hoping a big brother will save me. I’ve been holding on to that shit since my teens. Playing weak and needy has been my lie to myself, pushing away success, love, truth, and hope. (It takes a lot of energy to lie to myself).

I can safely say I’m not experiencing recon symptoms like headaches and tiredness, but I am sensing myself saying “Really?”, like I’m still in some disbelief. I’ve been using this a long time, so I’d guess it’s pretty normal.

I’m right where I should be. I’m feeling great euphoria one moment, and right behind it is a sense of grief. Yeah, I’m there now.

Thank you for making this @Fire and @SaintSovereign. This is life-changing :slight_smile:

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#18

May 18, 2023
LBFH and CFW today

I felt a little clogged emotionally this morning, so I held off listening. I’m still processing something.

And it showed up again less than an hour ago: anger. I made a comment to a guy I rarely see, and once I’d walked away, I heard him laughing loudly while making insults about someone. My mind went there, thinking he was dissing me, and my imagination went wild as I retaliated in my thoughts.

It had to be Emperor since I usually don’t focus on being angry much. Some part of me got lit up, and I took some pretty serious shots at him (in my imagination).

I’ve been thinking about changing Emperor with Chosen, so now I’m wondering if I should stay on it. Speaking up for myself has not been a strong point for me.

@Sub.Zero, may I ask for your opinion about switching?

P.S. I chose LBFH 30 minutes ago to handle the low grade recon. Doing CFW later.

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#19

CFW was designed to ready you for Chosen, and when paired up, they work in beautiful synergy.

Emperor is a great sub, yet it may be that it contains a lot of scripting you don’t need right now like the sex oriented components or that empire building one.

I would try CFW paired up with GLM, however, and only one day swap it for Chosen. It’s obvious to me that apart from the healing CFW offers (getting rid of the victim mentality, destroying all that stands in the way to becoming positive and at peace, managing your emotional world etc.) you need to build a strong masculine frame clearing out all that stands in the way.

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#20

Thanks Voytek. I clearly remember wrestling with this same masculine insecurity on one of the earlier versions of DR. It was suggested I put Iron Frame in my DR custom to address it. The memories of me hearing criticism and NOT being sidelined by old reactions was evident for anybody who knew me. It just didn’t hit me like it used to.

So, I welcome your advice for GLM. I’ll add it my next listening day. :grinning:

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