May 19, 2023
Rest day
CFW has clearly done something in me from day one. It’s motivated me to act.
Reason: I’ve relied upon fear to keep me from acting. It’s been mostly subconscious, but CFW has consistently shown me this.
To clarify, many fears have focused on preserving my victim mentality. I’ll give thought to doing something positive and productive, but I’ll instantly be hit with fears of feeling inferior… or sudden sadness over losing this known “norm” in my life. Those tactics have been used for decades to keep me from changing, and I submitted.
Yeah. I did this. Feeling a little bit of sadness now. Old norms.
I’ve purposely not journaled here regularly like in old times. Most of my old reasons were to have people like me so… I’d have someone to lean on and possibly turn to in hard times. I realize this has always been my aim when around men. That’s been my most used survival strategy, both here in the forum, and always at work.
I’ve not resolved this. No. But CFW is helping remove this. I’ve felt whiny at times, but I pulled away from dumping it on others here (still trying to hang on to an old role of being the little brother). Yeah. Not dumping has been my main challenge.
It’s kind of scary. That’s something I just have to face. Not dead yet 
Edit: I said it ‘removes’ the victim mentality. I’ve used subs that attempt to do this, sometimes forcefully. That ‘free will’ feature in ZP allows me to be much more involved in its removal, though it feels like there are positive aspects in it, like strength and persistence. I can choose to keep those attributes, reframed by Rebirth. The whole process is so much smoother.
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