Something I clearly noticed yesterday was how much time and energy has been devoted to constantly hiding from this memory. Since starting CFW, I’ve noticed this nonstop avoidance of fears and feelings associated with this event.
But it popped up without all that emotional energy. Which is why I jumped into it when it surfaced.
2 loops CFW this morning
I’m at work, feeling legitimately prompted to step out of my normal comfort zone.
Also, I felt oķ with myself when outside other’s conversations. Just feeling that prompted me to step back. I wasn’t needy.
I am gonna be ok.
Wow
May 27, 2023
Rest day
I must still have issues there.
I just answered my own question. Reflecting on the flash of awareness 2 days ago, I realized something. I feel like I’m writing backwards. I am.
I’ve been reading the Genesis thread tonight, and I just left it. I almost replied there…then “damn!”, familiar patterns popped up. It’s frustrating–and right in the path to me freely expressing myself.
I considered writing…and then a morose, hollow, and needy me appeared, like it was his time to show up, to air his heavyness, his unspoken desire for love…and to not shut up. So. Damn. Familiar.
This has popped up for years. It’s the same unhealed cry for love I felt and saw just 2 days back. To address it (without thinking much of alternatives), I think I’ll add LBFH to CFW tomorrow.
I’ll also add this. I realized Ascension Chamber played a LARGE part in that last awareness. I PM’d someone about adding it tomorrow, as a lot of experimentation has happened which I’m unaware of. I felt CFW digging yesterday, and I felt the same 2 days ago. When I added AC, it allowed that memory to unfold right in my mind’s eye. It felt like it was supposed to happen.
So I asked for counsel on it.
I remember reading someone’s advice in the Genesis thread (2 days ago) to stop habitually blocking the same manifestations they say they wanted. I was with a driver that same day, and he offered me lunch as a thank you. I outwardly accepted, but I was so aware of an inner “NO!!!” which came out as “yeah…cool…BUT (said quietly)…” It saddened me the minute I realized this.
It saddened me because a brotherly figure was offering me a gift, but an (injured) part of me was trying to stay “safe” by demanding distance. I realized yesterday that that door hasn’t been opened yet by CFW. I’m tightening up while writing. Yeah, that memory’s not been touched in years.
So yeah, some healing is still happening. Real relevant stuff. Things which fight to not be changed and challenged. AC somehow helps doors open when all other avenues seem closed off.
May 28, 2023
CFW and LBFH hours ago
Wow.
Dang.
…
Ever start something while a sub is working on you, and you feel like you should be doing something else?
I’m not talking about switching subs. Not that at all. I’m seeing that inner voice of mine get louder and louder with something I’m doing which is opposite what I normally desire. I’ll give specifics now.
I live in a house with a 90 year old man, and he’s hard of hearing. And he has large screen TV’s in every single room. He’s in his bedroom currently, but I can hear his TV in the other end of the house.
By itself, this post is just me bitching. But I’ve lived without a TV the last 12 years since TV’s running non-stop mirror my childhood. I can get drawn into a “I don’t want to think for myself” mode, allowing it to steer my thoughts for today.
This hits me since i grew up with TV always on. No talking while it was on. No communication, no thinking, no planning, no hoping. In short, no connecting at all. Reflecting on that just now has me sitting in an old house of ours under those same realities. I’m using CFW now, so it’s pointing right at this.
Now, back to my original question. I had begun a movie 30 minutes ago, actually I watched it last week, so I knew it was just a time waste. It’s Sunday, and my goal (that I’d not admitted to myself) has been to hide from the things stressing me–literally, the pain CFW is pointing to.
And dammit, I turned it off 15 minutes in. I’ve loved escapes. What’s happening to me?
I think this is highlighting my awareness mentioned earlier this week of me constantly blocking manifestations in my life. Watching TV, for me, is equal to condoning wasting years of life since noone had tools or initiative to step out. It was a “free” and endorsed escape.
yeah, I’m being challenged by CFW now. I’ve hung on to this fantasy of finding some happiness outside of me. Or rather, believing it was outside of me. Even thinking “someone else” had something that could make me happy. TV pushes this lie non-stop.
And now, a new question that popped up. What do I do with my time now? 
May 29, 2023
Rest day
I noticed my mood and demeanor around another employee here moments ago. It was the same unspoken, sad, needy cry for help again.
AC pointed it out days back, and I’ve been considering a CFW/AC custom to give it traction.
I’m just unsure if that would address it.
It was just moments ago I also realized I have never fully included love to heal myself, if at all.
I’m at home, and I’m noticing something.
I’ve felt some internal discomfort today, but I’ve felt less need to run. I’ve seen normal challenges today, and I’m not in flight mode.
I’ve really desired some maturity and willingness to face people and situations I’ve normally steered away from. I’m noticing some fruit. I actually succeeded doing this today.
I’m pleased.
May 30, 2023
CFW and LBFH this morning
Something new popped up moments ago. My fears and all its variations have been toning down considerably, and a thought came with a bunch of old memories.
Teaching.
I’ll sit on this. Lots of positive memories. But also fears and regret.
Why am I/was I afraid to commit?
CFW is working on this.
May 31, 2023
Rest day
CFW is digging. I woke up imagining standing up for the truth against governmental authorities consistently whittling down freedoms. My truth was and is “they never give those freedoms back”.
The relevancy is I barely even stand up for myself. Opposing a single person has always been linked to fears of rejection, and ultimately, emotional abandonment. This is linked to that memory of my mom I had days ago.
No. It’s not. It’s not.
I’m digging here myself. I’ve been noticing me sidestepping this fear because it’s been trying to work itself out lately. I think…no, I know…that that need for brotherly love has been surfacing lately. My subconscious needy looks to male coworkers come from this. And there’s this internal shaming of myself so I’ll not need anyone. Anyone at all. However, my heart is winning out. I just abandon myself during this time.
I am doing this in my own life. I’ll be around 100 guys, and I’ll send out this message like “you don’t want me”. I am terrified of being abandoned again, so I push every male away. Attached is a fear of being gay since my brother did sexual stuff with me. I allowed it, needing his love. No dad in the picture.
Tears now. I usually abandon myself there, having fears of others abandoning me too. I don’t tell my truth often hoping I won’t be abandoned. And then… I abandon myself.
But something is changing. I usually hold all this in, and part of me cries out to just spill it. I’ve been praying lately for honesty and integrity, because some of my truths are suffocating me keeping it in.
I’m sitting here wondering “what can I do TODAY?” I need some introspection time.
(congrats to me. I’d had written a full page about my mom. I realized the core issue today is with my brother, so I deleted it. My mom’s dead. But my brother’s alive and lives 15 minutes away)
This is deep! 
Thank you RV.
I’m gonna do a loop of CFW and Ascension Chamber tomorrow morning.
Adding AC last week took some scales off my eyes as far as possibilities, so I’m looking forward to it.
I’ll start my washout on Friday.
June 1, 2023
CFW and AC, one loop each
All I care to admit about today was a slowly growing awareness of lies I tell myself and others–about myself. I actually began getting angry while working with some temps today. Why? I was scared since I didn’t really want to wear my mask…but I also didn’t want to be too vulnerable and possibly be hurt. It’s the damndest conflict, and I did something I normally don’t: I shared with one of them I was frustrated, to hopefully lighten the burden…
My lie showed up when he asked why I was frustrated. I quickly put out this surface lie. Some part of me felt uncomfortable shortly after, and I realized that once again, I had not been truthful–with myself.
I even considered the option of not smiling to anyone. Because my smile was bullshit today
It’s some survival thinking running when fearing (old or new) pain when with others. CFW was very active today. Not emotional bludgeoning. More like deep and steady cleaning and losing a sense of normal (lying to myself has been normal). i found it uncomfortable, but not debilitating.
As i see it, it’s times like this where I’m facing major opportunities for change.
Another thing I noticed was I ignore my own emotional cues to myself when scared. Like I look away from them. I guess that’s been a “safe” option, but it leaves me without connections to others. That disconnect is felt deep, and I feel melancholy.
Yeah. Very active today. I thought I’d write one paragraph. I just keep remembering things which happened.
June 3, 2023
Rest day 2 of 5
I’m really itching to start Genesis . Sitting in self deprecation non-stop, even habitually, leads to me hiding out more and more, avoiding beneficial opportunities.
Financially it’s a big motivator for me. I’ve owned a trading platform since January of this year. And I. Have. Not. Even. Tried. It. Yet. Not bullshitting.
I bought it since it’s a sure winnrer. But my mind quickly goes from earning a couple hundred per week extra to making more than I need, and poof! I don’t move.
Related to CFW, I have had small awarenesses of a money belief lately. Damn… It’s “if I become wealthy and secure, I’ll abandon people”. That’s stalled me out–for years, literally. It points out one of my biggest inner traumas. Being abandoned.
I’ll ask here. Is it too soon to start?
Wow–if that’s the right word–I realized Genesis could push me to be successful, and I’d…abandon people…and possibly myself. I didn’t think CFW was percolating in me. I think I’m wrong.
Is it too soon to start Genesis? I’m sure I’ll hear lots of “no’s”. I’m seeking some saner thinking, because (not acting because of) fear stinks.
June 4, 2023
Washout day 3 of 5
Taking action on Invictus’s advice to take note of anything happening while on a sub, I’m going to write. This is a major issue for me.
Yesterday I started a discussion about Genesis, and near the end, @Fractal_Explorer responded. His remark is hitting me today. He spoke of how people who have been traumatized often project their issues onto others. I’m doing this now, and I’m trying to expose the lie I’m believing.
I’ve shared i live with a 90 year old housemate. I’ve been blaming and hating on him. I questioned myself this morning after getting up to get some coffee, him not being up yet. I imagined him only getting up to see me, talk to me, and criticize me about anything (yeah, I’ve been thinking this).
And then a truth hit me. I can see he’s lonely. I’ve been lonely too. My mind’s been seriously trying to keep me away from people who are “unsafe” or hateful. And I just wrote that. I’ve been unsafe and hateful, saying he’s guilty of this. I’ve been this person.
A piercing question for me: why am I hateful?
I usually hide this from myself. Powerful tears popped out just now. The truth is that I feel vulnerable around him and don’t believe I have a right to defend myself against him. It’s the same belief I’ve had in front of male peers. Damn. The belief is “if I just accept this quietly, it’ll stop soon, and I’ll feel safe again” I learned this when with my brother when younger. He overpowered me, I was scared of opposing him due to his rage, and this was my survival strategy.
This same belief still leads me now when around men, mostly at work. “Take shit, smile, and it’ll go away soon.” That’s all I do. Just accept shit. To stay “safe”. I’m living in yesteryear writing that. That’s probably why I got so depressed when my brother left home overnight, breaking away from Mom constantly demasculating him.
But…why am I hateful? I had the expectation for my brother to come back and “protect” me. I had anger towards him then, and never expressed it. I kept it in. I got depressed. I put on the ultimate show of non-verbally wanting protection, though I never asked anyone for it.
And that’s my life exactly. Having great unmet needs, and never asking for help. Noone was available when younger, and like physical or sexual abuse, I just accepted it, only hoping for relief.
Sounds like a powerless lifestyle. It was. It is. It IS. Still living like noone’s there, like noone’s available or willing to help. And I’m SICK of SEEKING PITY.
I’ll share this. I have caught ads, even yesterday, on YT for an online counseling service. I"M NOT USED TO TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY LIFE. I’M USED TO HANDING MY RESPONSIBILITY TO SOMEONE ELSE.
So this is very, very different for me. Very different. Scared as fuck wondering what I’ll do next. Maybe breaking old patterns. Slowly. Old protections still active.
Have you read Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD?
I’ve never heard his name before. Why do you ask?
What you wrote above just reminded me of the phenomenon he discusses in depth, emotional flashbacks. I’ve been reading it recently and it’s been invaluable in allowing me to separate the present from the past. I’d highly recommend reading it. Getting caught in emotional flashbacks isn’t just a short term thing. Sometimes it gets replayed and turns into regression where the individual takes on the habits and emotions of their younger self.
Thanks for sharing that with me. I’ll check it out.
I’m having some questions pop up in my mind which are different.
It’s strange, but exciting as well. The questions seem to be prompted by a realization that I can act on my behalf.
I çan make decisions and feel confident doing so.
CFW has some empowerment in it.
I sensed older motivations having a standoff with it. Their power seemed feeble though.