Finding my own path (CFW, Genesis, others)

Journals - Major Programs
#61

June 5, 2023
Washout day 4 of 5

I woke up early this morning, and am allowing my thoughts to go where they want.

I noticed something. CFW is appearing to encourage an inner freedom in me. I noticed how my stomach normally tighetens in fear when imagining being around others. Yes, I’m even talking about writing here.

I noticed a detachment from the internal “should’s” which normally exist.

I also notice my thoughts wishing to dismiss this. As summarized in “freedom can be dangerous”. Old safekeeping norms, nothing else.

Also, I had freeing thoughts when considering DR again. The masculinity boosting in DR had strong effects on my choices. I had some great victories. And CFW’s anti-weakness scripting seems to be supporting that as well. I’ve done DR twice, but I stopped both times before touching Stage 3. I read @RVconsultant’s statement about skipping Stage 3 and going straight to Stage 4. He had a bit of trouble due to skipping it, and this peaks my interest. I know I’m sidestepping some healing by stopping there myself, and I’m thinking about it.

My present plans once done with washout is to run Genesis and CFW, likely one in the AM and the other one PM so I get a feel for Genesis.

Long-term, I’m thinking about Genesis and DR stacked. @James was sharing thoughts about this, and I’m wondering how they’d work together. DR strongly enhanced freedoms in my thought life.

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#62

It can’t hurt. I think running that stack long term would finally help you get to the core of whatever has been bothering you for so long.

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#63

This has been on my mind James. I’m discounting what CFW’s been doing. I’m going to stay on it a while, as I’ve had some mental barriers fall away.I’m going to stay with what’s working for me.

Tomorrow I’m adding Genesis to the mix. Lots of testimonials grabbed my attention, mostly from people not expecting what they received.

#64

June 10, 2023
Rest day

Some changes are happening. 4 days ago I listened to CFW and Genesis togethers, which wasn’t my original plan. (This was my first loop of Genesis.) I ran Genesis first, and within seconds I wanted to be listening to CFW. I’ve seen CFW as a great stabilizer when looking into my history. I’ve felt increasingly more competent in facing reality. I felt like I’d put up some mental wall while listening to Genesis, so I had no “aha’s” happen.

But since then…

  • My female manager has been different around me. Like she’s been trying to get my attention. She’s usually really stand-offish. Libertine aura? Must be. And I’ve never used Libertine. I just noticed this woman go from daily ignoring or rejecting me to acting excited when I was near. This was LOUD to me.

  • My mind really geared up into investing and trading possiblities. I’d read a chapter in a finance book about the scarcity mentality, wondering how I could undo this in myself in practical ways. I even ran EOG St.1 yesterday with CFW (skipping Genesis), knowing this mentality destroys wealth dreams and realities quickly.

  • Then I realized Genesis likely has scripting addressing the scarcity mentality, if it’s got some similarity to AM or Mogul. Both address our wealth limiting beliefs. So with that (plus the Libertine aura showing up strongly), I decided to stay with Genesis. I so love getting into that financial mindset, seeing possibllities here, over there, and anywhere I look. I had some financial conversations with others this week which I haven’t had in many months, and this excites me.

  • And DAMN. Something I’ve secretly craved and have rarely experienced: being self-reliant. I’ve spent a lot of regular time wondering what others were thinking–only to try to win their approval. I didn’t recognize it for a day–but walking past peers and not feeling in need of their attention or approval is beautiful. This is very much NOT my norm.

  • Me enjoying that self-reliance is evident in how I’ve not needed or wanted to write here each and every day. Again, I’ve done it to win approval. I’ve sat with the uncomfortable choices of codependently making everyone else happy, being dishonest with myself and others, or even being resentful over people failing to meet my expectations…but something is shifting…positively. Maybe it’s Genesis. Maybe it’s CFW. But most likely it’s both working together.

  • And lastly, I sensed me needing to cry tonight, like I’m letting some things go. I was watching some America’s Got Talent videos earlier, as they show evidence of people doing something different which often changes their lives. They all tried, and I cried some strong tears. Whether they won or not wasn’t important. They simply faced their fears, people saw that, and that courage earns one an internal pride and belief in oneself. I’ve had the opposite of that for a long time, so Genesis is a precious gift to me. It’s changing something in me.

I’m looking forward to loops tomorrow morning.

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#65

Sounds like something deep is shifting within you and it’s having real results :+1:

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#66

June 11, 2023
Genesis and CFW this morning

Something is having definite results Michel. I just noticed something.

I had gotten up for some ice cream, and my housemate came out to be social. We talked a while, and he offered me a stool to sit on in the garage (since his TV is on all the time in the living room.) I don’t sit in the dining room to eat mostly since it’s always on. I accepted it, but didn’t use it since I could relax more on one knee or even standing out in the garage.

He asked me if I used it, and I told him the truth that I hadn’t. What caught my attention was my quick awareness that I could have lied. But right when I noticed this, I felt slightly uncomfortable. Like it was just enough to stop this habit of mine. I had even been watching a modern movie about young women dating, and the social lies were really and ARE really sticking with me. You know, all that bullshit we throw out to make ourselves look good to others. Well, this feels like a real pattern disrupt.

And it really wasn’t hard to be honest. From personal experience, I know lying makes socializing so damn hard since 1) I feel the wrongness of it immediately, and 2) it makes me pull away from people I lie to fearing they already know the truth and are waiting to leave. Suffice it to say that if I can be honest with you, I desire your company more. Lying sucks. It brings more stress and fear. No thank you.

I actually had this awareness that I had some trauma when being honest when with my mom, and CFW is whittling it down. I rarely dig for roots to my issues, but a real curiosity sits in me. Like I’m not facing panic when thinking about this. Where is this taking me?

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#67

June 12, 2023
Rest day

I had a weird dream, and I rarely remember my dreams.

I was in some dangerous environment, and I watched some drug runners shoot a person at point blank range right in front of me

What was weird was it made sense to me in the dream, like it had to happen.

I sensed this was some part of me being killed off. I say this because emotionally I felt relieved.

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#68

June 13, 2023
CFW and Genesis this morning

I’m uncomfortable, not wanting to face something right now. I’m not even sure what it is.

I woke up after playing loops this morning. I found myself looking for a mental hideout. But something gave me enough strength to know that wouldn’t work. This is music for me. I was gonna turn on Pandora, and I felt saddened, like I was facing something I normally avoid.

I feel this slight tension in my head. Not majorly uncomfortable. It just makes me aware something’s going on in me.

Truth: I usually just continually try to bury uncomfortable stuff. I’m saddened since I’m losing this battle.

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#69

Due to the fear of this unknown, I’m seeing myself trying to fail. Staying in bed late was its avenue this morning.

This was my old backup so I’d stay where I was.

Scared of change? I sabotage success. Ouch. I did this to myself many, many times

#70

As long as you keep trying you’re not losing. Hang in there. The book im reading reiterates 2 steps forward and one step back happens a lot. We can do a lot for ourselves by being more understanding when it happens. I know that can be hard to do.

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#71

Right when I wrote my last post, a part of me stepped in and let me know I didn’t have to be so harsh on myself. It reminded me self compassion was also a choice. I never ‘heard’ anything. I just felt it and knew it was true.

Thank you for sharing about 2 steps forward and 1 step backwards. I tend to debase myself mostly out of familiar habit. Thank you for the reminder.

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#72

You’re welcome, I relate. Been there way too many times. In the book I’m reading that one step back can end up feeling like 7 and man is that the truth.

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#73

June 15, 2023
Genesis and CFW today

What am I facing?

Recon, pure and simple. I’m finding Genesis amplifying CFW’S progress

I woke up considering skipping loops since I still had some tingling in my head. But I desired the change Genesis promotes, so I started my loops.

I found myself suddenly being locked up. My old norm of pulling back and procrastinating showed up. Old survival mentalities, since I’ve used them all my life to avoid, avoid, and avoid more.

While writing that, I had a flashback of when I arrived here in 2018. I had major walls up, and I’d only be so honest.

What I really ran by were the daily fears I carried. I had a need to hide constantly, not seek attention. That feeling is what’s on the table now. That’s my fear. In days of old, this was my primary means of survival.

To me, if anyone knew me, the genuine me, I faced getting my heart and hope ripped out. So I put myself inside a shell. The isolation I sought was mostly so I could feel something again. That shell kept me safe, but it kept everyone away.

But it also kept me away from myself. I cried when writing that. That’s why I choose healing titles mostly. I miss me.

Maybe that’s where I’m going. I want this, even with the pain it carries. I’d see a victory as not hurting and blaming myself so much. As being much more compassionate with myself and others.

I can only change so fast, but these titles are really helping it happen. I’m going forward.

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#74

I’m noticing something happening since starting Genesis.

I’m uncomfortable when desiring old familiar hideouts. Moreso since I’ve used them so long.

A lot of changes are going on.

What’s been used daily is being challenged all day too.

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#75

I used to come to the forum to hide from life. Everything’s pushing me to get out this morning.

#76

June 16, 2023
Rest day

I watched a movie, and something came to mind.

My life’s on hold.

I wasn’t looking for this, and it sunk in. I felt regret.

And it’s true. I keep pointing to reasons to validate my poor choices, continually.

I just feel like I have some choice now. Before I passively passed the buck to anything or anyone. That didn’t work. I tried playing helpless too-‐again, to hand someone else the responsibility.

I’m thinking I can move out of this. I’ve never thought that before.

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#77

June 17, 2023
CFW and Genesis an hour ago

What do I WANT to do?
Do I value myself enough to do differently from what’s held me back for ages?

I’m no victim of this survival thinking. I created it years back, and I’ve been the one to act it out. No victim cries here. Yet that part of me is still seeking expression. A wiser part of me distances himself from it.

I realized just a short while ago I’m surviving by keeping secrets from myself. I’ll know something, then realize it’s just imaginary, but I keep holding on to it secretly since it helped me express myself, if only in my imagination. Or more specifically, I wasn’t afraid to express myself.

Most of my life has been “stopped up” since I’ve grown fears of expressing my real thoughts. Reasons? I depended on others to validate me and when suddenly (or rather–expectedly) I’d speak to someone dismissing me----damn, never saw this–I’d focus entirely on making sure they liked me. (And that…makes no sense). But the person deciding this is maybe 7-8 years old in my mind. I’m not absolutely sure of the age since it feels younger and less calculated.

But I’ve been hiding behind a mask that “you would like” so “I could like me”. I made your standard my own. That is the lifestyle of an adult living with a “little boy” mindset. Why the f*** would I write that? Because shoving it under the rug again and again (endlessly) is why I’m here. Some has changed, but this core motivation, no.

I could lament bad past decisions, but I’ll not share that here. Been there. Done that. What is changing? What do I WANT to change? What am I willing to change?

I’m seeking courage to be me, to allow myself to be me. CFW and Genesis are good at fostering courage. I just realized I see myself as alone when I go out amongst people. Like noone’s there to fight for me. So, naturally and automatically, I kind of pretend noone sees me. I try to be invisible. However, a natural desire of mine is to be with people. Therefore, I’m at odds with myself even when giving of myself to others. I’ll be all warm initially, but after only a short while, that other part of me wants to flee. It’s why I know I give mixed facial signals when socializing too long. (I’m starting to appreciate that part of me which can’t lie.)

Maybe there’s still some traumatic “stuck point” I keep hitting. Which is why I wrote all that. If journaling helps keep the focus of the subliminals on actual issues, I’m trying to allow for that. Keeping it in…keeps me stuck.

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#78

@RVconsultant,

Can you replace “Rebirth” with “Genesis” in my thread’s title? I haven’t found a way to edit it myself. Thanks.

#79

Thanks @RVconsultant

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#80

June 18, 2023
Rest day

What the hell is happening to me? Actual mental changes. Changes and thoughts I’ve never had.

This morning, I was looking up the modules RV suggested in the Q store while still in bed. I found myself considering using modules simply for the effects alone. I found ones for speaking effectively, and also thoughtfully. And then I tried to do something I’ve done many, many times.

I wanted to escape the pressure (all those possibly “dangerous”, unknown possibilities) by leaving this room. Escape. Run away. Avoid. I threw my covers off–and I suddenly felt uncomfortable. But it was different. I realized I was looking for an escape outside of myself (coffee, in this instance).

I stood up in my room, avoiding any of my mess in here, and I realized I was looking for an external diversion. That’s how my life’s been when under pressure. I’ve just escaped/avoided/ignored it. But in this moment, I was very aware of it.

What has been quietly growing is an intention to care for me. This same “me” I was avoiding by trying to vacate my room this morning. Truthfully, I’ve always associated “me” with others opinions about my life and choices. Meaning, if the group of “you” wanted me to do X, I did X. My MO has been me being a yes-man, so me gaining your approval has been my primary survival goal as an adult. (I re-read that and realized I sound like a young teen there).

But this desire feels brave, strong, and wanting to step out of safe “norms”. Not stupidly, no. Not that. It’s this growing desire to attempt something new. To challenge “me”.

And out of fearful yet familiar habit, I’ve been sidestepping it. That uncomfortableness spoke to me this morning. I don’t have plans for today so far. But I am writing this for me.

Edit: I just re-read this. From @Malkuth’s post in the Genesis thread, I am seriously considering if I am blaming the lot of you for my choices. Since, in my mind, if you’re responsible, I’m not. Holy shit.

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