June 19, 2023
CFW and Ascension Chamber this morning
I’ve seen myself drift away from my main intention here lately, which is emotional healing for myself, so I only did CFW and AC this morning.
I’ve flipped directions a 1000 times. I’ve turned a blind eye many times.
Naw, I don’t want that this time. That’s not why I’m here. Keeping focused.
I’ll probably listen to Genesis this afternoon
June 19, 2023 - cont.
Listening to Genesis now
Lots of processing happening
I just realized something 15 minutes before listening.
I’m afraid to confront myself about truths in life. I’m not truly afraid to confront you, you, or you. Not really.
But I see and believe I’m unchanging, uncaring, and I’ve got a cold heart. I’ve been afraid to challenge myself.
Wait wait 
I think I’m actually seeing my mom. What I felt and believed about her. That hate (my need for love) towards her I owned and accepted. I’ve never/rarely/completely avoided…being angry with her. I’m 51, and I’ve never stated that myself.
Am I owning her shit? Did she just need love too, but was afraid to ask (like me)?
I saw myself being like her–and I’m fighting it now
I thought “if I love her, she might love me.” I do that. I did it today. Said nice things to be loved. Was kind and authentic with a historically rude lady today, and she smiled. I felt proud of myself
I’m feeling bad. I feel…and have felt…forgotten. Ignored.
My real pain is…she never allowed me to love her. Cold walls and uncaring stop signs were constantly up. I gave up trying, seeing and expecting rejection instead.
And that’s why I’ve not approached women. This was what I thought I’d receive. This painful reminder is exactly why I avoid intimate relationships with women. All I feel (or don’t want to feel) is mom’s not loving me. I sense it, imagine it, and keep far away.
Feeling grief. Anger. Confusion. I just wanted love.
June 20, 2023
Rest day
Sheezz. CFW, combined with AC and Genesis, is working on me. And it’s not even on a specific issue.
Today, still feeling uncomfortable from last night, I had a slow awareness that my memories aren’t flipping my life over constantly. What IS causing me so much trouble is that I’m not seeing them accurately.
I see myself in my childhood memories and quickly take complete or partial responsibility for them.
That’s how a young child thinks and reasons. Because…why would a parent do those things? Nothing logical is found. So I created some, to make ‘sense’ of my world. I’ve been crucifying myself ever since.
CFW, simply put, is exposing me to the possibility that my beliefs don’t work.
I was emailing my miner today, and I felt really defeated. We’re trying to close a deal, and in my mind at that moment, I was getting frustrated. He asked why I was having doubts, and I shared what I wrote the sentences before.
Then I realized the subs were really affecting me. My personal beliefs aren’t working. I told him, as he’s using LBFH, HOM, and Genesis himself. He got it.
Then, hours later, I was really trying to stay in my old mentality while working, and I also felt like CFW had a grip on me. I felt like I was trying to live in my familiar world while CFW was pulling covers off my awareness.
It’s working. I’m closer to a breakthrough, and a breakdown. I’ve made life too damn hard.
Can you discern how AC is affecting you in the whole process, please? How is it working for you? Thanks.
I began reusing AC after @Invictus made his posts about having high flow factor. I PM’d him and realized he’s human like me, so I tried what he did. I’ve not made a CFW custom with AC yet 
He let me know putting AC in a custom is a possible shortcut when seeking something from subs.
I opened myself up to seeing and experiencing things previously unseen. And damn, it definitely did that. I’ve had my eyes shut to many things in life, and me being willing to see something different is really working.
Why was I willing? Inner pain repeating itself. I wasn’t living differently, and going back again and again was absolutely NOT what I wanted.
I don’t have tangible specifics. I was just willing to see something different. It opens connected memories and is slowly putting the ‘puzzle of me’ together. These are definite firsts.
What about this: if a person had issues around parental abandonment, how might they experience the world?
If they did have such issues, what might be an effective way to resolve such issues?
June 21, 2023
CFW this morning. Genesis now, evening time
I purposely seperated the 2 since last time I’d mixed in AC in the morning. 2 days ago, in the evening, I listened to Genesis and was opened up incredibly.
I got home, expecting to isolate (even blame my housemate in my mind–me being honest), but I walked in, he was cooking dinner, and he invited me to join him. I accepted since the blaming issue for me is pointing to a lifestyle habit of finding someone else to blame for my life choices, even the choice of me being in a foul mood. It’s very unhealthy, very unfair…and it keeps me in some immature victim mindset. I enjoyed dinner. Not one issue at all…hmmm. (I’ve been avoiding this issue)
Even listening to my thoughts…they sound like a whine. Like a kid finding some power by pointing at other people’s faults regularly. And acting convincingly troubled by me pointing it out. Kind of fearful, sad even, since I realize it’s all bunk. I’ve let this thinking run me regularly.
I just realized, while being uncertain about handling this, that this has been a common default when nervous about future decisions. Playing weak or powerless would certainly attract some rescue–this I’ve thought. Since I’ve often viewed my brothers as rescuers. They were strong, and me playing weak or clueless allowed them to lead while I followed. Why haven’t I let this go?
Because I miss my brothers. I miss that connection. I miss that security of being included. Looking back at those years, I realize my biggest fear I carried was growing up since I might lose them, even though they were no more mature than I. No father was ever around, so we just made this up as we went along.
And I, in the name of being healthy emotionally, long ago distanced myself from them…since I thought they were holding me back. (Did you catch that blame!!!) They were my problem, so I said. Yeah, bastards! The only part holding that is a 7-8 year old making his (self-righteous) stand. Flip.
I texted my brother 2 days ago since my scooter was not running right and I was late. I had a coworker come get me, and my brother responded an hour later. It was 6AM when I texted, and he’s a contractor, so work starts a little later for him. But he told me to call him anytime.
I’m going to do that now, just to challenge myself. Out.
Wow.
I must be changing. Near the end of the call, he asked me to call him tomorrow, and … wow. I want to. I will. People stay in touch with friends and girlfriends, and I’ve desired this, but I kept getting in my own way, talking myself out of it. Or just finding “reasons” why it wasn’t a good idea (old fears would come and spook me).
And it wasn’t all peaches and roses. He got irritated at first since he’s (obviously) resented rescuing people constantly. I realized this and stayed in my right mind, not being needy. I was very vague at first, and as I owned more of this bullshit on the call, he calmed down. He was also with his youngest kids, now teens, and he was being parental with his children while we were talking.
I’ll continue this. It’s a good challenge for myself.
Hint: all these “other people” I’m referring to mirror me. I wrestle with these issues.
They might be detached from many relationships (strangely enough, to avoid abandonment).
They might take their own path (in anything, really) to avoid attachements or painful loss of them
They might shoot low in life since possibly failing (in anything, again) might be associated with people leaving them.
They may be alone excessively and find some sense of security in doing so. However, a “safe life” is actually a very small life.
They may live and act like a victim in life since playing a victim worked for them. Even though this really didn’t “work”, it was used, and this creates another spider web of problems in their life and relationships.
Those are my first thoughts. I’ve been right in the middle of this issue, so it takes effort to be objective. Thank you for this challenging question RV. I’ll write out my thoughts on the 2nd question tomorrow, for it’s late. Goodnight.
I’m realizing and seeing something.
The last two listening days I’ve played Genesis totally separate from CFW. CFW in the AM, Genesis in the PM. And both times my mind and emotions opened up with Genesis. I’m going to keep this schedule since it takes energy and time to process what comes up. Mixing all that with getting ready for work in the morning means I push a lot of needed work aside.
I’ll stick with this. It’s been working for me.
Right on, mate! These are tough questions. Remember if you think and attempt to understand, you might be able to get more control over it.
June 23, 2023
CFW this morning
I’ve felt this digging last night while in bed. I’m feeling it now, and it’s not running roughshod like I’d have expected. It’s gently opening up awareness to shame and how I view myself.
I felt this last night, which is why I didn’t answer RV’s second question. I was scared to be real and honest. I felt vulnerable and chose to allow it.
I hid. I’m wondering if I’ll be different today. CFW is a rare sub since it shows me I have power over my choices. I’ll find out.
June 25, 2023
CFW earlier, Genesis now
I became aware of why I’m on healing subs.
Why I don’t/won’t date.
Why I isolate.
Why I fear success.
All of that.
It’s a fear of being rejected, hinging on trauma from my mother at a young age. This isn’t some "I read about it’ story. CFW has been digging these last 2 weeks, and I’ve been slowly dropping my resistance to it. I even had a dream last night and what I still feel now is that normal response in my gut. I put up a wall so I won’t be hurt. I lock up my feelings.
That same feeling I have at work. I’m the one driver in our company who chose not to get his CDL license. I’ve bloomed in a lot of different places, but I’ve still had this fear–bear with me here, I’m going to lay this out. I see it like a direct reflection of my childhood with my mom.
I’ll take my driver tests, get my medical card…and fear uncovering this painful reality. When younger, I prepped and smoozed, seeking my mother’s love and attention. This was something I could achieve, so I thought.
Mom wasn’t emotionally available or willing to love me. She had her own real traumas and kept it down daily with alcohol. I see her now, with fear in her eyes, likely reliving her own traumas daily. I just thought I could be loved by her. And I was wrong. I ended up believing something was bad about me; I felt unloveable. I blamed myself, I hated myself, and I turned to my brothers and others to earn love there. Inside me was a mess of blame, self-accusation, and self-hate constantly reminding me of my failure. This accusation I’ve worn all my life.
So, life has become small due to this belief that I need to protect myself from anyone’s rejection. i’ve even partially succeeded. But this doesn’t feel right. I’ve rejected myself countless times each day. I’ve held stuff in, fearing rejection constantly.
However, something is changing. I want it to change too. CFW seems to be disintegrating some internal holdups slowly. I could get into the dreaming stage now, and I’m even afraid to do that.
I have been reliving this trauma all my life. CFW is whittling it down. Right now I’m edging on tears, wishing to wail loudly to LET IT OUT.
And damn, I’ll admit this. i remember being on DR, I think, maybe Regeneration. I remember listening to some 80’s tune which touched me, and I remember crying the loudest I ever had. It was significant since I lived in a rented room, constantly trying to be unheard and unknown. Looking back, I was trying not to hear that myself. I was doing that rejection to myself, and I felt it. I wrote about it in a journal here.
I’m there now, needing to expel stuff. I’ve feared the very thing I’ve sought after.
And I’ve hung on to writing still this morning since I find myself rejecting me. I’ve always thought others were more loving to me than I was. That’s my life. I’m wondering “how/where/can I change this?”
I’ll share this. I felt my post an hour ago was and is bit too self-defacing, too disempowering. It’s toxic to live there.
Sitting here wondering and self-doubting my voice while typing. Maybe I should allow it, as the subs came in and stirred my thoughts and emotions again. I don’t want to stay there.
But have I processed it sufficiently? CFW has been making me aware that I do have this ability and I’ve allowed it lately.
I’ve some times wondered how many “issues” can be traced back to parental abandonment. Maybe they were not there physically. Maybe they were not present emotionally.
Yeah. It’s affected me my whole life.
I’m actually motivated now, seeking possible solutions. From most of my time in recovery arenas, I went on feeling like a victim to my defeatist thoughts. I never had a solution to it, and recovery implied multiple (5-10) years in therapy. To say I was discouraged would be an understatement.
But this feels empowering. Having consistent thoughts of hope and change feels like a genuine first.
And maybe it’s ZPv.2. I’ve never had this with other avenues I’ve tried. This feels like me
My past always called the shots in my life. I’m starting to intervene now, and steering my decisions.
It’s a challenging ride. But one that feeds me too. I am really blessed to be where I am.
Definitely a lot. Not only does it impact your ability to form relationships, but emotional neglect also robs an individual of being able to process their own emotions in a healthy way. As we’ve all seen with these subs emotional processing is a heavy component of self growth. It’s a key component to transformation, but it can be inaccessible for some people.
June 26, 2023
Rest day
CFW is active. I’ve been consistently reframing old and new experiences, which is new for me. In dreams. In daily thought life.
Even to where I had a feeling of imposter syndrome show up this morning. I’ve never had that with a healing sub. It’s evidence that it’s working.
June 28, 2023
Day 1 of 5 day washout
CFW is moving me steadily into awarenesses of what’s running me, and I’m scared.
I’ve hidden every day of my life behind some mental wall so I’d stay in a mentally immature spot and not change. And CFW is actually handing me skills and beliefs to allow a major change.
One of my defenses has always been “I don’t have the tools and knowledge to handle this!” I’ve felt that fear and retreated. But what CFW is doing is building me up to believe in myself, and that real change (while doubting myself and looking over at old norms) scares me on a deep level. It’s been coming out as anger building in me around people I (only) imagine misusing and taking advantage of me.
This is real for me. I’m losing the battle I’ve fought for so I could hide from life. It’s made life so difficult for decades, but I’ve held on to it (wanting and expecting some kind of rescue).
CFW is shaking me out of this norm a day at a time. And old ways are slowly being replaced with different thinking.
i’m just seeing this transition now. My inner self is like “WTF??!!!”
July 3, 2023
Rest day
I woke up feeling a clear and strong fear. I listened to it and decided to write about it.
It’s not old childhood fears. I’ve felt a lot of that recently, and I’ve purposely held off from sharing it since repeating it just sustains it.
I woke up without familiar guards and protections in place. And I’m very, very used to living completely caged in, even when I’m alone. I woke up looking for those cages, and they were not there. Amazingly though, since choosing to write about this, I’m not frozen up or locked up in fear.
I did do some things differently yesterday. It was day 5 of washout, and I chose to end it since I was locked up in fear and isolating, hoping to avoid risk and pain. It just stayed on my mind.
I listened to PCC along with AC by themselves, under suggestion from someone here since my self protections have been very weak. I’d planned on listening to CFW later on, but hours later that fear and isolation was holding on, so I listened to Emperor to move me, and it worked. I got out, went shopping, and I enjoyed socializing a bit. I wasn’t avoiding myself constantly, so it took no effort.
And I just remembered old fears while looking back. I was (and am) walking around without old shields up. This is strange. New. Exciting.
I’m gonna just go live life today. Something’s inviting me to.