I realized why I’m all flustered and anxious. I’ve been busy contacting my health insurance provider (2 different providers). I’ve been overly anxious.
I’m scared of failing anybody and everybody. I’m attempting to make my trader, my employer, and even anyone here happy with me. So I won’t have failed again.
That’s what’s running my life.
Careful with DRLD. It can be really heavy.
I know the frustration of wanting to be beyond what holds you back. But you have to be careful not to try to brute force it and land yourself in more trouble.
Having said that I have no idea how it stacks with DR in general. So it could be a good outcome.
I have no idea either.
Day 19
LBFH this morning
I chose LBFH this morning. I felt like I was forcing something when I considered DRLD.
In terms of progress, the lid’s been opened on my trauma. I’m sensitive now. I overreacted yesterday to a friend asking to know my story.
I couldn’t even go there. I couldn’t think in third person. I was in it. Most of the social person I am is made up so you’ll like me. The traumatized self only thinks in emotional survival. BS and smokescreens have no value or purpose.
I saw myself in my head flashing knives with both hands. And words were how I communicated. I felt dangerous.
Defensive. I was very defensive
Just did 7 minutes of St.1, and a thought came to my awareness.
I always ask for permission, almost for anything
The thought was “why do I do that?”
Day 1 of washout
I’m struggling. Feeling very vulnerable. I reacted strongly today, and I feel guilt and sorrow over it.
I’ve been sharing pieces of my DR journey with a friend online, and as DR has been tearing away my old normal, I’ve seen him react…very appropriately if one wasn’t familiar with trauma. And he’s not.
I’d responded to an invitation to share more today, and before even leaving work, I sat down and explained my normal thinking in writing, explaining how the traumatized kid in me often shouts out his demands because it’s all survival to him. I let him know that kid is probably ages 2 through 8, and he runs me when he’s really scared, like when DR unearths something.
I shared this so I wasn’t hiding anything and to show my intentions.
He responded with a boorish adult mindset, dismissing my thinking and sharings, as if I could turn it off at will. The message left me feeling all alone. It cut me.
I responded quickly and angrily. He’d invalidated everything I shared, and I shut him off. I then send a one word email: Goodbye.
30 minutes later, feeling great sorrow and regret, I replied I was sorry I hurt him, but I wouldn’t share these important parts with him anymore. He’s my trader, so I’ve got business dealings with him.
Fuck. I’ve never done that before in real life. I’ve imagined it many times with different characters, but I’ve never actually cut someone off like that. It hurts since I’ve clung to relationships to not feel alone and abandoned (a lot, actually). I usually set things up where people will pull away from me, but I’ve never done this before.
Growth? Maybe. Growing pains–definitely. I’ve thought and felt myself to be a young boy when I’m real–which is why adult activities like job promotions and gains have always eluded me. This just hurts right now.
I also reopened a support ticket last night since Regeneration was advised in their last reply. I asked for a possible plan on how to work into Regeneration. It started after I wrote this last night:
I realized I’ve followed anyone’s advice since I’ve not trusted my own, which I see as a result of surviving trauma. I even shared this in the ticket and realized that yes, I was seeking their permission in my ticket. However…
A conflicting truth: I’m seeing DR allowing these feelings and struggles to pop up. Yesterday, I was swimming with some pain and fear, and then…I felt slightly better, like I was over that specific pain. For me, there’s nothing better than feeling some lifelong chains snap in my life.
Maybe…nah…it is time to grieve some. I’ve cried and slept some today. Wishing to grow up someday.
Day 2 of washout
I’m realizing a transformation in me. I considered how I’d write here, and I noticed it. This is big.
Just a few years ago, I’d come here and freely spit out anything on my mind. I’d do “mind flushes” quite regularly. Like a psychic enema, really.
And I noticed something different now. Wow, this is big to me.
I’ve shared many times over the years how I’ve sought a big brother figure here and everywhere. I’ve done this since childhood, as my big brother, who I leaned on heavily, left home one night and never returned. I was lost when he left. I never closed the door on him coming back, and I sought him out through others here, hoping someone would pick up the mantle. I’d been trying this in real life for decades already. I’ve met some really good men over the years, but that expectation eventually lets others know that I’m just taking from them. It’s not healthy. And I just took. I regret treating people like that since I unfairly expected them to be responsible for me. (Yuck. I know) It killed a number of friendships.
What I notice this morning is me wanting to be fair. To be true and honest-with myself AND with others. Lying to myself and others always creates pain, and I don’t want that.
The difference? I’m taking responsibility for myself. That’s incredible. Wow. Growth is happening 
To be honest during this day, I’m having both moments of seeing growth, and I’m seeing habits of protecting myself.
I’ve been home all day, and I’ve spent some time with my housemate. I had breakfast and dinner with him today, and as dinner finished, I found myself looking to leave. I was nervous, not thinking about it, but I longed for safety once again.
And DR is still working on this. 2 weeks back I realized I’d basically demonized him in my writings…after he challenged me and said tough, caring things to me. My heart was open, and he respected me. I had cried a few times in front of him, and it was ok. I was wrong and admitted it here.
And my point of writing this is to say that some old bad memories are still prompting me to isolate, though I was more social today.
I’ll compare something important which I noticed today. In months and years earlier, someone would correct me, and I’d just abandon myself to hopefully gain some acceptance, and it made me socially and relationally impotent. I’d give all my power to another, expecting them to “tell me what to do”. Very uninspiring. And who wants to admit that? Not me.
In contrast, today I listened without mentally shutting down when I got a “you’ve got to…” vibe. I listened for his intention, and it allowed me to stay open. He wasn’t such a threat.
But there’s still some belief/some root fear which needs to be worked on. I’m jittery now, 30 minutes after leaving for my room.
Day 3 of washout
I’ve had an unusually positive day in washout. And to be honest, I didn’t have major events or circumstances happen.
I’ve felt good,
positive,
elated sometimes,
joyful inside,
just unattached to circumstances.
I feel really hopeful today.
Day 4 of washout
I’m actually sad and happy. Both.
This is the very first time I’ve sensed one of those lofty things happening as stated in DR’s objectives.
Fears being crushed. Yesterday I couldn’t find a reason for my happiness. It was just there with nothing holding me back. Normally, I hold myself back. Something took away that desire.
I could handle living there forever.
Things are happening this time that have never happened before.
Day 4 of washout (cont.)
Ever been encouraged to do something, but doubted yourself heavily (even habitually)?
I’m going to spit this out. I was encouraged to “trust myself” twice today. Old patterns have had me relying on or even depending on others habitually. This is a direct challenge to what’s been normal for me.
And at work, I had a direct situation today which challenged me to trust myself. This is what put this on my mind before the encouragement by someone else later in the day.
I’ve been employed by my company for 5 years. When I was hired, I had forklift training and certification, which was good for 2 years. Despite this, I was always nervous (fearing failure), and it was obvious. That nervousness showed, and I wasn’t asked to jump on it regularly at all. I’ve dodged having to use it many, many times, sharing my quick response that my certification lapsed.
Well, I’ve been working our work yard these last few weeks. 2 different guys have been doing forklift work for me, and yeah, I saw myself acting powerless in it, at least mentally.
And today, one who’s been driving it for me had to leave the yard, and he asked me if I could run the forklift. I gave him my honest answer, yes, but I wasn’t certified. He quickly told me to go ahead and do it anyway. He believed in me.
And I did a good job. I remembered old experiences and feelings of times past…but it didn’t hang on me heavily. I was fine with it, even discovering solutions to get my specific job done. I surprised myself.
The truth is that I’ve used this “I can’t” response to so many challenges. Like I hid using it. I’ve used it…um…to keep me in some childish mentality.
The root of this is an unresolved trauma when I was younger. DR’s been changing things in me steadily, like for real. I’m wondering if…it’s actually been digging at this. Maybe it has.
Day 1 of Cycle 3
Ascension this morning, DR and AC an hour ago
Thought I’d stick with a 3rd round of DR St.1 since I’ve had fears of moving forward surface today.
And I know I’m having some normal recon: I’ve been at odds with staying in the same spot. The reason I resumed St.1 was curiosity: what might show itself now?
I think DR’s hitting in newer spots. While writing here, I felt old shame, something I’ve not felt in years. I’m up for this since shame keeps me hiding, keeps me lowkey unnecessarily, even painfully.
Let’s see where this goes…
I’m not sure where this fits, but I looked up Stark again just before writing here. My last cycle had me feeling very free, and I wanted to not lose that. Stark affects me greatly, where socializing is never a problem. Being free has been on my mind a lot lately. Not sure where Stark fits, but when I last used it, I was definitely not in my own way socially.
Day 2
Rest day
I woke up not wanting to face life again. Part of me still wants to not grow.
I also had some tears, and that is wonderful. The tears were me letting things go.
Change does happen. I’m wanting this.
Day 3
Switch today: Ascension this morning. Regeneration a few hours ago. 5 minutes each.
I slept right after listening, like it began immediately.
One major thing I’ll point out is I chose to not hide from finishing my laundry before chilling out–after Regeneration. I was very clear why: I’ve not liked myself when I’ve ran away. I finished it and am not worried now. Weeks back, I avoided folding it and let it stay in the basket for a week. Sabotage in action.
I’m going to drop now. I even wrote this after wanting to avoid avoid avoid the truth that I’ve not trusted myself to make this decision. Bullshit. I did it.
Day 4
Rest day
I’m feeling good. Motivated. Even excited. I’m watching myself just following a feeling, but this feels good.
I’ve kept my mind and awareness open to changes happening, and what’s awesome is I’ve been seeking growth avenues lately. I’ve spoken of Stark, NR, and one I have history with is Genesis.
On Genesis, it allowed me to grow joyfully and thrillingly, I might add. I saw and began desiring some things which I’ve had major hindrances to. I’m speaking of relationships with women. Genesis’ adventure scripting woke me up bigtime. I even began running Primal, with thinking and confidence I’ve never known or experienced before. It was a very short run, and I have no regrets.
Why I’m excited is Regeneration seems to be a perfect match for moving forward AND addressing the emotional issues and holding points. I stopped Genesis mainly because I was hung up with my altered views of success I’ve held. A strong trauma actually pulled me back when I began my crypto trading platform again, as success, to me, reacquainted me with that pain quite regularly. I let it go again.
I’ve been held up in life for so long that failing, or pulling out, has been a damn standard. I’ve looped and looped that pattern again and again. Damn, I’m tired of this. It’s known, it’s familiar, and I’m willing to step into something which actually builds me up now.
On Regeneration’s sales page, it suggests pairing it up with something one has issues with. It suggests Sex Mastery if one has sexual issues. I’ll probably add Primal for myself. But adding it with Genesis since it promotes success thinking really excites me. I’ve had such a cap on my success levels. I am dead serious there. 2 different careers I’ve had (and presently have), and on both I’ve stopped before I could be successful financially. Also, my trading platform I’ll put in that sphere too since I own it but don’t use it. Same results. Same outcome. Same hindrances. It’s some trauma related issue linking to success. And my fears have held me back. Me fearing and remembering a trauma has kept me holding on to a belief that if I don’t move, or don’t succeed, I’ll be safe. I’m not looking forward to the pain of growth, but in a way I am. The wisdom scripting has already kicked in, and I know it’s needed. And what will life be like without such major barriers? I look forward to finding out.
I know this is quite contrary to my prior direction with DR, but upon feeling the same sticking points when I began cycle 3 of St.1, I grew impatient. I asked myself “what am I doing?! How long before this clears?” DR is a fantastic program. But I began using it mainly to clear these traumas. And upon hearing from support that Regeneration was the clearest route to clear these traumas, I’ve had it on my mind. I don’t want to keep repeating the same 'ol, same 'ol “I can’t change” mantra. Tools exist, and I’ve begun using Regeneration.
I’m excited about this awareness. I truly am. I’m opening up to the path I truly want, and I am allowing it.
I am experiencing some reconciliation.
I’ve felt this low-key sadness most of the day, and I’ve wanted to fan it out, make it show itself.
I just watched a Christmas romance movie. I cried twice. But I am really yearning to let it out.
Maybe 4 years back, I was using a sub here, and it triggered a hard crying spell. I remember sharing that I cried loudly, and I wondered if the family in the main house heard me.
And seconds ago, I felt a hidden shame. Wow.
Shame’s been the most obvious inhibitor of my expressions. It’ll kneecap a healthy emotional upchuck in a flash.
I hope I’m not repeatedly thrown off by this. Maybe that’s why I cried so loud then–I felt free enough to let it out.
Here was one song I remember crying to.
I found the video in my Kahn journal, in 2019.
I sat reading my Kahn journal for about an hour. I was seeking some emotional connections, but ended up staying.
I know I did this while on DR a month back. It just felt different reading it.
Still thinking about it.