Day 12
Ascension this morning
I’m facing myself now.
Day 13
Rest day
Since that experience 2 days ago (post 183), it’s not been the same for me.
This is coming from a guy who hides a lot. I hide behind words here. Everywhere else it’s some mental fabrication, anything that feels nicer than reality.
That coworker who reached out last weekend asked me to call him yesterday. Last night I could have. I didn’t.
I’ll flesh this out.
Him: how are you doing today?
Me: (smiling dishonestly. Searching for some safe answer. I finally find something which isn’t really my issue) I’m struggling with something.
Note: I’m struggling here writing this out. I usually lie to myself so much.
I struggle only because I hide the truth from myself.
And that experience 2 days ago messed that up. My feet still aren’t solid ground. I keep looking for old ways, something I know. I don’t know this.
My life goal has been to find a safe place or mentality each day. This goal and plan has been disabled. This is not easy.
And I don’t want to post this really. Denial has been way easier
I reopened a ticket to support a few days ago, and I got a reply yesterday. I’ll get to it soon.
Weeks back, I was remembering my experiences on Genesis, and I was clearly aware of a fear of failure I’ve carried into every challenge, every job, and every relationship. While on Genesis, I realized that that’s why I would either start and pull out, or most often, I’d never even start. Jobs, business opportunities, relationships, anything and everything in life.
The root: I sought love from my mother, and she never returned it, or outright rejected me. I was always afraid of being hurt, and I always expected to be rejected.
I asked support what could help me overcome this fear of trying, this fear of failing. I didn’t expect the response.
Regeneration was advised. I’ve found a major root to problems in my life, and Regeneration’s aim is to directly focus on and eliminate them.
I’m wondering “should I start after this cycle?” I’m in my 2nd cycle of St.1.
That same fear of failure and rejection is what prompted this post.
I don’t have to start then. But my life’s locked up by this constant fear.
I’m also battling the messages of quitting DR again.
@RVconsultant
@Fractal_Explorer
@Michel
@Geoff (I’m reading your Regeneration journal)
My 02 cents. You have to ask yourself, have I been down this road before and will it actually get me to where I want to be?
Fears, limiting beliefs, and past issues are all valuable knowledge. But I’ve abandoned the idea they can be healed in a vacuum. Maybe that’s just me and my experiences. But personally I leaned too heavily on this idea that I could fix things first, then face the world, and that’s the core of avoidance. I still struggle with this. This was my survival strategy, this is the only thing I had to hang onto during the darkest years of my life. But it wasn’t the truth.
If you want to leave DR because it’s too much I think that’s fine. As long as the next approach is something you’ll stick to long term and won’t effectively stick you in limbo. Regeneration might be good, it might be more gentle than DR and help you work at your own pace more. But if you do go that route I’d actually recommend putting a time limit on the healing. Give yourself a cut off point so you don’t get stuck there.
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I’m not sure what you’re current stack is, I see st. 1, of DR? And 1 day ago Ascension.
My only real advice is listen to DRLD. If you want to keep DR, I’d simple run Stage 4 + DRLD.
If you want to switch, just run DRLD with whatever
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Believe it or not, jumping off DR has not been on my mind. I’ve been in that spot of itching to pull off a sub, and that’s not my motivation. I’ll credit 5 minute loops for that.
I’ve been wrestling with deep stuff, yes. But since I’ve not been overloaded I’m seeing it. These are firsts for me on DR, and I’m quite appreciative of that. Seeing what’s really running me is major progress.
Now, my motivation. I am usually looking for some emotionally safe reality to find comfort in. That’s been my norm. DR’s been pushing the envelope, but I’ve not had that sabotage thinking.
Again, I didn’t see this coming, and I wanted to protect myself imagining me rejecting the counsel of considering Regeneration. To blame them. To make them the bad guys.
But why would I want that?
Because Regeneration scares me. It threatens everything I’ve built my life on. I used it in the pre-Q era, and I was fileted open easily with it. Even writing that has me remembering feeling very young and helpless.
So, my tagging you and others is to look at the big picture. I want this healing. But now? When? And with what limits for myself?
Lastly, I was reading @Geoff’s journal this morning. I remember having days when all plans and goals seemed meaningless. When everything that was me was thrown up in the air. Regeneration does that initially. But with LBFH, Sanguine, or possibly SE, along with shorter loops, this is a real possibility.
Please share your thoughts Fractal. Thank you for responding.
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I resonate with that thinking more now. I’ve had days when I wonder why I’m not doing this, doing that, doing anything at all, yet I’m still supposedly “healing”.
I even feel some grief writing that, as it seems that being stuck just doesn’t work anymore.
I’m trying to find an emotional foundation right now. Because I’m tempted by all the financial and relational possibilities being offered here at SC.
One thing at a time, for now.
It’s DR St.1 now, stacked with LBFH (mostly) and Ascension.
I read your DR St.4 suggestion, and I’ve avoided jumping there due to @RVconsultant’s experience. He skipped St.3, went to St.4, and recon floored him. I’m unsure if that was before ZP, but I think it was.
Let it be known this is my 3rd go with DR. I spent maybe 5 months on St.1 and St.2 last time, but pulled off.
I’m doing 5 minute loops on all subs, and I’ve not felt overloaded when I’ve stuck to that. St.1 is also digging incredibly deeper this time.
5 months on each? Stage 4 has all stages, I don’t see the point of going past 3 months on each stage. I’d say start stage 3, 1 month then run st. 4 + drld and stick with that. Stage 4 is the goal right?
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Not 5 months of each. 3 months on St.1, then 2+ of St.2.
Actually, eliminating the trauma and its fallout is the goal. It’s mine, anyway.
I, too, have accepted that program completion is the actual goal in times past. I didn’t know any better because I had no real internal goals. Except to possibly feel better, day in and day out.
I’m seeing now that trauma steals my show. I see its attachment to every major emotional pain in my life. That’s what’s fucking up my life and steering me wrong. That’s what needs addressing.
Eliminating trauma’s cancerous spread is my goal.
I could foresee using Regeneration and possibly SE for up to 6 months, then shifting to something much more pleasant, like Genesis and NV.
This focus to handle the trauma specifically is quite new to me. Normally, I’m ducking and dodging it mentally. But I also remember days when Regeneration was digging in without restraint, where the only choice was to face it.
I’m willing to go there.
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Truthfully this doesn’t sound like a DR focused goal to me. This sounds like Sanguine and Regeneration. DR strikes me as a “go beyond the limits sub”, but what you’re looking for sounds more like you need stability and not disruption.
I think stability is a tricky subject though because it can often intermingle with stagnant comfort zones. But throwing more chaos in an already unstable foundation, personally I think it’s a gamble if you come out the other side with consistent growth. I don’t mean to persuade you from running DR but I saw this on the sales page.
If you’ve never used any Subliminal Club subliminal, please start from a title such as Ascension followed by a harder title like Emperor. There will be reconciliation, but there also will be untold greatness waiting for you with Dragon Reborn – it will be your worst enemy, your closest friend, your wisest advisor, and one of the most powerful tools that you will be able to use again and again throughout your life, whenever you need another phase of profoundly intense self-discovery.
At first glance this seems like. “Oh I’ve run Ascension for a few cycles before or oh I’ve tried Emperor so I’m not new to this”. But looking at it closer it seems like run Ascension, master it, move to emperor, master that, then hit DR. I’ve said it a few times on this forum but I think sometimes DR is advocated for in the wrong contexts. This is not the healing sub for someone lacking a strong foundation in my opinion.
I think this is a good idea with a small tweak. I’d run it for 3 months instead. During that time note your improvements, see if you start naturally taking action more and how you feel. After the 3 months is up run Genesis + NV or some other action oriented subs for 3 months. Note how it effects you, if you saw more results than the healing focus or less. This will give you a good comparison and let you see which one you want to dedicate your focus to vs really guessing which is better for you at this point in time.
Or you could run it in reverse. Do 3 months of Genesis + NV. Note the difficulties you ran into. Now your mind has a clearer focus of what to dig into and the idea of healing will be less open ended and confusing.
The reason I think 6 months is a little too long, it might give your subconscious mind a little too much room for loop holes and try to hide within the healing in day to day life. 3 months is enough time to experiment with it, but not so long that you could potentially lose a sizable chunk of time if you’re not getting the results you want.
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Thank you. I’m a little wowed, being honest.
You gave me a lot to think about. I’ll chew on it, then respond.
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Day 14
5 minutes of LBFH this morning
I’m thinking of your words @Fractal_Explorer, and I’d like to thank you. I feel low now. I’m just facing stuff popping up today.
I’ll admit that you are probably right stating my aims are much simpler vs. the advanced ones in DR. And I’ve avoided Regeneration due to … pain. Old memories of using Regeneration and feeling slapped by truths I’ve wanted to forget…plus the overwhelm of “too much”.
I also want to share I’ve been reading my Regeneration and Chosen journal (2022). I flew all over the place, changing out subs…and I’ve been considering how I could prevent that. I did only 15 minute loops (ZP v.1), and over time, it weighed me down, as if the sub was “too much”. I’d had the same experiences with DR this run and last year’s run, but once I began with 5 minute loops…my experience became much different and more tolerable. Doing 5 minute loops will be my norm with Regeneration.
I read my old journal, and I have regret from jumping all over. Staying with what needs attention seems to provoke healing and growth. Please correct me if I’m wrong. But when tempted by “feel good” subs, I can justify jumping quickly. That’s simple recon though. Too much is too much. No 15 minute loops.
What I’m concerned about is what I stack with it. I say this since my template still seeks a separation from emotional pain and trauma. Chosen felt good, and Regeneration feels difficult and murky initially (and I’m remembering 15 minute loops as well). I may be planning for overload, which might not even happen with 5 minute loops.
I’m just not confident which sub would work best with Regeneration. My biggest struggle when starting it was often kicking my own ass since I was allowing pain into my reality again. Maybe LBFH. I’ve shied away from Sanguine often since I’ve not seen or felt results with it. Maybe switching LBFH with Sanguine, back and forth. NOTE: I’m willing to admit I’ve dismissed results of Sanguine since beliefs like “I’m not worthy of that” still run me. Considering my run time with Regeneration has been short, maybe Sanguine has just not activated that much due to these old beliefs.
For today and tomorrow, I’m going to not listen to anything. I thought LBFH would help on my usual 2nd rest day, and I was only trying to cover up the processing taking place.
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Would you expand more on that?
Is there anything else you want to accomplish?
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Yeah whenever you’re in a cycle and you feel something would be “better” at solving the thing that’s coming up for you, it’s a sign you’re looking for a way out. The longer we stay on the subs, the more they drill down deeper. Starting a fresh sub can give you an initial dopamine hit, but it’s like starting back at the surface and escaping the deeper stuff.
A lot of the decision of what to run is up to you and what you intuitively feel would be best. Personally I don’t make it a habit to mix deep emotionally healing with action oriented subs anymore. In the past this was removed from scripts because it was said to slow them down. That’s how I feel on them, it’s like pulling at two sides and neither manifests strongly. So my approach is all healing focus or all action focus with another title that might be supportive or geared towards embracing more change.
Sanguine is subtle because it promotes a sense of stability and calm. It doesn’t really jump out at you, I’ve found it aids in lessening the impact of outside events and overall ability to tolerate things. It also subtly raises the trust in yourself, so you may have thoughts that you’ve always handled things that well or you’re able to articulate your thoughts and emotions better. As the trust builds things seem more obvious, but they only seem obvious because Sanguine helped you build that trust. So it’s easy to overlook them.
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The fear keeping trauma alive seems to spread when it senses its existence is threatened.
Fear creates justifications for its existence. It even creates new problems to distract from its original focus.
Shit. Am I running away?
Normally I’d say “that question’s for me”. But no.
I’m kind of scared. Am I running?
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From my experience the more uncomfortable you get on a sub, the more you have to stay on it. You might want to look into the stack rotation support article. Have one core sub that you don’t change for a good year and have 1 or 2 others that you can shift around as needs arise.
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